REINCARNATION & PAST LIFE REGRESSION: HOCUS POCUS OR PART OF OUR CYCLE OF LIFE?
This has been a subject that has fascinated me for the longest time.
The videos (POSTED IN THE BELOW LINK) document real-life stories of children and adults who are able to recall memories of their past lives. Some achieve it without any external help, while others require 'hypnosis' to retrieve the memories of a life before this present one. And the hypnosis treatment is known as 'Past Life Regression".
http://blog.tsemtulku.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/2010/05/reincarnation.html
I have always felt that if we are here now, then it is possible that we could have been here before this and could possibly be here again in the future.
Also, how do I explain that un-deniable feeling of "Dejavu"? And this has happened to many people across the globe - regardless to their faith, creed, race and culture. That strange familiar feeling that we have been some place before, seen or done something before, and even met someone before - so many examples to cite and yet, no real logical explanation can be given in such instances. It is almost eerie or inexlicably uncanny. Hence, I have always been very curious how much the mind remembers and how accurately it actually retains memories.
Personally, I have read quite a few books on this subject - especially those written by Dr. Brian L. Weiss who is a trained & certified Psycho-Therapist in the USA. He is one of many who made Past Life Regression very 'mainstream' when he published his books: "Same Soul, Many Bodies" and "Many Lives, Many Masters".
Dr. Brian Weiss, himself, was totally blown away and astonished when he first discovered that there was such a thing. And he was brought up in a middle class America, very Christian environment - not believing in such things prior to a fateful session with one of his patients named: Catherine, who was under hypnopsis therapy with him at that time. It was a life changing moment for both him and Catherine from that session onwards.
On a daily basis, we hold many different memories as it is. How much we remember and how accurately we remember will also present different answers to the puzzles in our lives.
I do not believe that the existence of Past Lives 'fails' when someone fails to recognise someone or something in this life, because some memories may be hard to recall for whatever reason. Especially painful ones. And there are also some memories which could be 'buried deeper', and it would take a longer time to 'unfold'.
The fact that some people can recall something so far remote from their present lives (with such incredible accuracy) is already proof in itself that we were all here before.
I also do not believe that the theory of Past Lives rob us of our responsibility and desire to live out our current lives in full. Because, there is always the obvious and explicit matter of "free will".
As much as we are 'recycled' from one life after another, we also have the natural birth right to exercise our 'free will' and that determines what choices we make in each lifetime.
After all - just in this life alone - this why or how we have ended up with the state we are in now. We all have made certain crucial decisions and they have lasting results and effects. They have led us to where we are here and now.
So, imagine (if you can) all the decisions and actions that have been effected from previous lives - imagine how they all accummulate and mould us into the people we are in this life, and how they have all pre-disposed us with certain habituations - just imagine.
But even then, I like to think that fate and outcomes in each lifetime can be changed when we ourselves make a real change.
Our 'free will' allows us to make that change for the better, or for the worse - or no change at all. At the end of the day, it is our action or inaction or no action that created something with consequences in our lives.
One thing I do appreciate in the existence of "Past Life Regression" as conducted by medically trained therapists and doctors, is that it 'legitimises' the reality of it all.
As always, in our currrent society, if it can't be explained by Science, then it is illogical. And so, when medically trained therapists and doctors themselves certify the very existence of PAST LIVES, then it cannot be false. It could very well be true!
In any case, I think that someone or anyone becomes a firm believer ONLY AFTER they have experienced something for themselves. Until then, they can't be bothered with it, or be persuaded or convinced.
This is all very understandable, because how can anyone believe in something they have not felt, seen, heard of or experienced? Especially when in all their lives, they were raised and programmed to believe that such things do not exist.
I believe that whether we know or remember anything at all is not as important as what we choose to do with it, and how we have benefited from it, in order to become better people. That is the most important key issue here - how has anything in our lives (past or present) helped us into becoming better living icons of humanity.
This is my humble opinion.
What's yours?
Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
DAY 56 to DAY 62: ENDURE, ENDURE, ENDURE, I MUST!!!
My deepest apologies for the extremely delayed postings.
I have been wrought with one thing after another, or several things at the same time.
It just does not stop.
I did say, “Bring it on”, didn’t I?
Well, so here they come – in pairs, in trios and what have you – to complete a real grand parade of pushing me to a breaking point.
I will be doing something different in this posting.
I will be combining a few days into one because I am not sure when my laptop will decide to crash again. As of yesterday and last week, it decided to hang itself and crash every 10 to 15 minutes. And this was just the beginning of the many trying ordeals coming at me.
Yes, I am making most of the time I have, with whatever else I can manage at this time.
I will not be choosing a quote for each day as I have been doing...I will choose one to sum up this whole week from DAY 56 to today, DAY 62: 21st May 2010.
Desperate times call for desperate measures – I’ll improvise as long as I need to, but I will not stop.
If I didn’t know any better, I might even say that “something” is deliberately stopping me or making things just much harder for me.
As I type this, I can tell you that some keys on my laptop have been switched on its own, when it decided to crash. For example, the key for @ has been replaced by “. Yes, so when I want to actually type @, I have to use this key “ instead, and vice versa.
And while I am typing, the cursor will decide to jump from one paragraph to another, without prior warning, of course, and I would be typing over something that I have already written, in the previous paragraph. Oh yes, this is happening as I write this. Imagine how very frustrated I am feeling right now!
Also, I can't copy and paste anything. It won’t allow me to work anything of real significance.
The best is when I press the space bar, it can decide to delete the whole paragraph or sentence that I have written – yes, all by itself, without prior warning.
To say that this laptop is “possessed” would be putting it mildly.
And this is after we have tried re-formatting this laptop.
So, please bear with me if this post may sound funny or seem strange, if I had not been able to catch all the mistakes in time.
I do apologise in advance.
Yes, I am writing this with much anger and frustration held back. I wish you all could see how weird this laptop is acting as I type this all out. I must admit, I had given up writing for a while because it was just too bloody trying on my patience. So, I am attempting to do so tonight.
I had not touched my laptop for over two days now, because I felt like taking an axe and hacking it to pieces.
Let’s see if I can complete this post without me “losing my top”. But then again, I guess, that may be just the very purpose.
So, let us begin, before my time runs out...
DAY FIFTY-SIX: Saturday, 15th May 2010
I joined team KSK tonight in their midnight routes.
As we had many volunteers tonight, Justin (KSK’s Project Director) decided to venture into ‘exploration routes’ – that is, going to places that KSK has not been before, but has received tips that some homeless people are spotted in that area.
And tonight, a Director and a cameraman joined Justin and I in one car. We went round to Masjid India and then to the Sentral Station.
We were shocked to find that there were 20 new homeless people in Sentral Station. Two of them were Malay females, and the rest were males. And they were all mostly elderly folks.
Most of them are not from Kuala Lumpur. Some are from Johor Bahru and Kedah. What are they all doing there, sleeping in the vicinity of the station?
Would you believe that sometimes one bad decision could land someone in such a bad place in life? That one wrong move ruins your entire life? And sometimes it could be due to fear or pride or anger, you allow yourself to wallow in that bad situation, then it becomes your daily reality? As each day passes by, it becomes more and more difficult for you to turn back or turn over a new leaf because you begin to lose hope and you begin to accept that this is your fate. Before too long, you have become accustomed to living in the streets and sleeping on the sidewalks.
We heard a few sad stories tonight.
Yes, it is hard to imagine how a decent human being can descend into such a state and not get out from it.
From their point of view, it is hard to imagine how to get out from their hell-hole.
We ran out of food to distribute by the time we reached Sentral Station. There were so many of them and we were ill prepared because we did not expect to see so many of them.
Luckily, our other team mates came over to give us their extras.
Justin was busy the whole night, talking to the homeless elderly men, those who were awake, that is. The rest of them were sleeping, as if they had better make full use of their moments available to rest. We placed the food by their sides so that they would see it when they wake up.
(BTW, my laptop has just erased two whole paragraphs that I have written after the above. I am telling myself to calm down but sad to say, I can’t even recall what I wrote. So, I will only re-write what I feel most strongly about and can recall.)
This is what KSK does beyond the feeding. And this is by far the hardest for them to explain and show, because it happens when no one is around.
KSK volunteers only come in the weekends, they do not see what goes on during the weekdays. And it is during the weekdays that their real job comes into action.
Justin and his team spend countless hours meeting and chatting with their homeless ‘clients’. Buying them lunch, coffee, tea, or just sitting at the sidewalk, hearing their stories, taking them to the doctors, hospitals, grooming them for job interviews, finding them jobs is the easiest part, getting them ready for the job is the challenge, some do not even have any form of identification so Justin accompanies them to the Welfare Office and National Registration Office, and etc.
I would not be exaggerating when I say that KSK holds their hands through everything, because these unfortunate folks have lost total confidence in themselves, and not just in the society at large. They do desperately need to believe that the community still cares, and we are in dire need to believe that we can help improve someone's life.
It is not just about feeding the poverty in the streets, it is about feeding the poverty in the hearts.
And I used to think that I was doing something helpful by volunteering for KSK and feeding the poor and homeless, but the truth is, they were helping me. KSK gave me the platform and opportunity to serve others. And the poor and homeless helped me to understand compassion in action, in order for the loving kindness to develop within me.
Care and kindness go a long way to changing lives and people.
As of to date, KSK has helped over 100 people get off the streets, find jobs, find their way home, re-united with families, etc.
In time, when these NEWLY RESCUED people are settled, I am very confident that they will also return to KSK or any NGO, and help those less fortunate because they have been there before, and they have benefited, so they know more than anyone else how to benefit others. Then a new cycle begins.
AND THAT IS WHAT WE CALL - MAKING A DIFFERENCE.
WE CAN ALL MAKE A CHANGE.
( My DAY FIFTY-SIX :- )
Weight: 52kg
No. Of Prostrations: 60
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: no time – it is all work, work, work
The week of Sunday 16th May to 21st May 2010
A multitude of problems surfaced – both personal and work.
Found new leaks in my home, and that is going to be another hell of a mess.
My washer and dryer decided to go crazy on me - it will just keep washing but not drying.
My daughter fell ill and her asthma came back. She missed a whole week of school.
Air con starts to leak as well.
Laptop starts to crash, jump, shut down and becomes totally dysfunctional – even after many attempts to rectify the problem. And I just got it this year as well.
Work is meeting its own brew of maladies.
Oh yes, my car is also breaking down on me.
And yes, there are more bills to pay.
I cursed more than I did in this past week alone, than the whole of last year.
I can feel myself being tugged, pulled, yanked and pushed to a breaking point.
Over the last few days, I felt really weak and useless.
I am mostly angry at myself for feeling so drained and inadequate.
I feel that I am not doing enough and I am tired all the time.
In fact, I find that I pathetic because I could not endure more.
Is this what it means to be human? So vulnerable and fragile?
This is our great excuse? Because we are humans and not Buddhas or Gods, so it is ok for us to be weak and slip and fall?
This week, I feel like I am falling and it is already Day 60.
I am already more than half way through and yet I can still struggle like this.
I asked myself, why am I so weak? Why am I so drained and exhausted? Would having a maid lighten my load, and give me more time?
Honestly, the answer is NO.
I am just not used to doing everything and now I have to do everything. Every single thing.
My every DNA hates work of any sort and it repels anything that has to do with work.
Remember the Queen of Sloth? Well, she is harder to kill than I thought.
There goes to show how deep laziness breeds inside me.
My fear of work is the same as my fear of pain.
Fear governed me so strongly. It had paralysed me for so long.
And now, I find myself still at war with the ‘enemy within’.
I have not won the fight yet, but every day I am gaining ground.
I may be bruised and wounded but I get better and stronger.
(BTW, my laptop crashed again and had to be re-started. So, I lost everything that I did not save before this. And now, I have to re-start again.)
Yes, I am very tired, exhausted and depressed. There is so much to do and I find that I am constantly running out of time and energy.
To be frank, this week, I finished three tubs of ice cream and 5 individual sticks of ice cream. That is not including the five cups of frozen yogurt I bought.
When I am sad and depressed, I eat ice cream. A lot of ice cream.
I guess you could say I am disappointed in myself for feeling so weak and fragile. And I am not satisfied with using the excuse that I am only human to make myself feel better. It does not work with me, or on me because I find that no real beneficial results come from using such excuses for myself. And I want to see real results. Not half baked ones.
I do not find that I am being hard on myself. In fact, I firmly believe that I am so over and done with EASY.
EASY may be attractive and appealing for now, but it will soon tie me up in its shackles and chains, and I’d be damned with eternal suffering.
As much as I may be cursing, screaming, growling, kicking and tearing my hair out because it is all just getting to me – I am also well aware of what commitments I made. And I am not about to give any of them up.
Yes, I know that I have not won the war yet.
Yes, I know I can fall at anytime and regress, especially when I am weak.
Yes, I know I am wounded and bruised.
But I also know that I will heal and get better, and become stronger.
Yes, some days it pains me, drains me, and absolutely drives me up the wall, and it can even break me into pieces, but still – it does not kill me.
I will pick up the pieces of me and mend myself, because I can. And I will.
I may need a few days to recover and recuperate, but I will not stop altogether and just give up.
I am here already at DAY 62 and that means, 38 days more to go.
Beyond the 100 days, I am looking at my ‘total liberation’ and not ‘life imprisonment’.
Even after 100 days, things will still continue to take place and I will still be tested on a day to day basis.
It ain’t over until the last breath leaves my body.
And you know what – I rather die trying and fight all the way than to just give up because I am just too darn lazy or cowardly.
( MY DAY FIFTY-SEVEN to DAY SIXTY-TWO:- )
Weight: 52kg
No. Of Prostrations: 65
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: 55 minutes daily
Reflection for the whole crazy week from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 059.
Quote from Page 059 for Day Fifty-Six to Day Sixty-Two :
“Controlling one’s anger one step at a time leads to balance and peace.
Anger is quick and it passes but its effects are worse than EARTHQUAKES and its after-effects stay.
Why create earthquakes when there are none?”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
Once again the quote speaks for me. Or rather, about me.
Every destructive and negative emotion passes quickly – if we allow them to.
And the way we handle them enables ‘their damage’ to be imposed and imparted onto others, not just ourselves.
I have a great deal of anger in me and I have been asking myself, where does this stem from?
Until now, I have not found an adequate answer.
I have noticed that every single thing that goes wrong or does not go according to my expectations, I would get angry – automatically. My natural reaction or reflex to anything is anger.
If I drop something, I get annoyed with myself. If something screws up or gets delayed, I get irritated and angry.
Anything that goes off the wrong way, I react with anger.
And then, after all that GRRRRR, the fangs, claws, barks and bites – after all is quiet and calm, I am filled with remorse.
Especially, after I have surveyed the extent of the damage I have done, while I was in my ‘anger mode’.
I used to say the most hurtful things and do the most unpleasant things when in anger – to both animate or inanimate objects.
Today, for instance, I was so consumed with my anger, exhaustion and frustration that I could not even leave the house and attend a very important Puja. And this Puja is a very important puja for our guru’s Long Life. It is indeed a priviledge and honour to do this puja.
I had spent so much time stewing myself with this draining rage that I could not even do the right thing.
So, of course, I inconvenienced others in the Puja team, and also, missed out on a golden opportunity to serve our Guru. But did I think about that when I was so consumed with myself? Could I even think beyond myself for a second?
No, not today. Not this week.
I could not even see beyond my 5 fingers this week.
I could barely hold it together for my daughter as it was.
ENDURANCE and ENDURE are the two words I have to master, with joy and devotion.
This is the GREAT divide between the Enlightened Beings and us, mere human beings – Enlightened Beings will always endure the most for others’ sake and well being, they will subject themselves to the worst so that the rest do not have to suffer, whereas we humans cannot even control our own anger or mood swings, we cannot even endure a really bad day, and we are already screaming for a break.
Am I selfish? Yes, definitely.
As it is I cannot even get a grip of my own foul mood, there is no need for me to talk about enduring much more for anyone else.
I still have a lot of work ahead of me.
Like I said, it may take more than 100 days, or it may take a whole lifetime – whatever it is, I MUST NOT GIVE UP.
(As I end this post, this laptop has gone screwy about a dozen times, not including the crash and the two deletions of my paragarphs. I did not blow up this time. May be I am more aware at this time and the anger has been vented off much earlier.)
There are a lot of natural disasters around us as it is, we do not need to add 'man-made disasters' to the list now, do we?
I have been wrought with one thing after another, or several things at the same time.
It just does not stop.
I did say, “Bring it on”, didn’t I?
Well, so here they come – in pairs, in trios and what have you – to complete a real grand parade of pushing me to a breaking point.
I will be doing something different in this posting.
I will be combining a few days into one because I am not sure when my laptop will decide to crash again. As of yesterday and last week, it decided to hang itself and crash every 10 to 15 minutes. And this was just the beginning of the many trying ordeals coming at me.
Yes, I am making most of the time I have, with whatever else I can manage at this time.
I will not be choosing a quote for each day as I have been doing...I will choose one to sum up this whole week from DAY 56 to today, DAY 62: 21st May 2010.
Desperate times call for desperate measures – I’ll improvise as long as I need to, but I will not stop.
If I didn’t know any better, I might even say that “something” is deliberately stopping me or making things just much harder for me.
As I type this, I can tell you that some keys on my laptop have been switched on its own, when it decided to crash. For example, the key for @ has been replaced by “. Yes, so when I want to actually type @, I have to use this key “ instead, and vice versa.
And while I am typing, the cursor will decide to jump from one paragraph to another, without prior warning, of course, and I would be typing over something that I have already written, in the previous paragraph. Oh yes, this is happening as I write this. Imagine how very frustrated I am feeling right now!
Also, I can't copy and paste anything. It won’t allow me to work anything of real significance.
The best is when I press the space bar, it can decide to delete the whole paragraph or sentence that I have written – yes, all by itself, without prior warning.
To say that this laptop is “possessed” would be putting it mildly.
And this is after we have tried re-formatting this laptop.
So, please bear with me if this post may sound funny or seem strange, if I had not been able to catch all the mistakes in time.
I do apologise in advance.
Yes, I am writing this with much anger and frustration held back. I wish you all could see how weird this laptop is acting as I type this all out. I must admit, I had given up writing for a while because it was just too bloody trying on my patience. So, I am attempting to do so tonight.
I had not touched my laptop for over two days now, because I felt like taking an axe and hacking it to pieces.
Let’s see if I can complete this post without me “losing my top”. But then again, I guess, that may be just the very purpose.
So, let us begin, before my time runs out...
DAY FIFTY-SIX: Saturday, 15th May 2010
I joined team KSK tonight in their midnight routes.
As we had many volunteers tonight, Justin (KSK’s Project Director) decided to venture into ‘exploration routes’ – that is, going to places that KSK has not been before, but has received tips that some homeless people are spotted in that area.
And tonight, a Director and a cameraman joined Justin and I in one car. We went round to Masjid India and then to the Sentral Station.
We were shocked to find that there were 20 new homeless people in Sentral Station. Two of them were Malay females, and the rest were males. And they were all mostly elderly folks.
Most of them are not from Kuala Lumpur. Some are from Johor Bahru and Kedah. What are they all doing there, sleeping in the vicinity of the station?
Would you believe that sometimes one bad decision could land someone in such a bad place in life? That one wrong move ruins your entire life? And sometimes it could be due to fear or pride or anger, you allow yourself to wallow in that bad situation, then it becomes your daily reality? As each day passes by, it becomes more and more difficult for you to turn back or turn over a new leaf because you begin to lose hope and you begin to accept that this is your fate. Before too long, you have become accustomed to living in the streets and sleeping on the sidewalks.
We heard a few sad stories tonight.
Yes, it is hard to imagine how a decent human being can descend into such a state and not get out from it.
From their point of view, it is hard to imagine how to get out from their hell-hole.
We ran out of food to distribute by the time we reached Sentral Station. There were so many of them and we were ill prepared because we did not expect to see so many of them.
Luckily, our other team mates came over to give us their extras.
Justin was busy the whole night, talking to the homeless elderly men, those who were awake, that is. The rest of them were sleeping, as if they had better make full use of their moments available to rest. We placed the food by their sides so that they would see it when they wake up.
(BTW, my laptop has just erased two whole paragraphs that I have written after the above. I am telling myself to calm down but sad to say, I can’t even recall what I wrote. So, I will only re-write what I feel most strongly about and can recall.)
This is what KSK does beyond the feeding. And this is by far the hardest for them to explain and show, because it happens when no one is around.
KSK volunteers only come in the weekends, they do not see what goes on during the weekdays. And it is during the weekdays that their real job comes into action.
Justin and his team spend countless hours meeting and chatting with their homeless ‘clients’. Buying them lunch, coffee, tea, or just sitting at the sidewalk, hearing their stories, taking them to the doctors, hospitals, grooming them for job interviews, finding them jobs is the easiest part, getting them ready for the job is the challenge, some do not even have any form of identification so Justin accompanies them to the Welfare Office and National Registration Office, and etc.
I would not be exaggerating when I say that KSK holds their hands through everything, because these unfortunate folks have lost total confidence in themselves, and not just in the society at large. They do desperately need to believe that the community still cares, and we are in dire need to believe that we can help improve someone's life.
It is not just about feeding the poverty in the streets, it is about feeding the poverty in the hearts.
And I used to think that I was doing something helpful by volunteering for KSK and feeding the poor and homeless, but the truth is, they were helping me. KSK gave me the platform and opportunity to serve others. And the poor and homeless helped me to understand compassion in action, in order for the loving kindness to develop within me.
Care and kindness go a long way to changing lives and people.
As of to date, KSK has helped over 100 people get off the streets, find jobs, find their way home, re-united with families, etc.
In time, when these NEWLY RESCUED people are settled, I am very confident that they will also return to KSK or any NGO, and help those less fortunate because they have been there before, and they have benefited, so they know more than anyone else how to benefit others. Then a new cycle begins.
AND THAT IS WHAT WE CALL - MAKING A DIFFERENCE.
WE CAN ALL MAKE A CHANGE.
( My DAY FIFTY-SIX :- )
Weight: 52kg
No. Of Prostrations: 60
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: no time – it is all work, work, work
The week of Sunday 16th May to 21st May 2010
A multitude of problems surfaced – both personal and work.
Found new leaks in my home, and that is going to be another hell of a mess.
My washer and dryer decided to go crazy on me - it will just keep washing but not drying.
My daughter fell ill and her asthma came back. She missed a whole week of school.
Air con starts to leak as well.
Laptop starts to crash, jump, shut down and becomes totally dysfunctional – even after many attempts to rectify the problem. And I just got it this year as well.
Work is meeting its own brew of maladies.
Oh yes, my car is also breaking down on me.
And yes, there are more bills to pay.
I cursed more than I did in this past week alone, than the whole of last year.
I can feel myself being tugged, pulled, yanked and pushed to a breaking point.
Over the last few days, I felt really weak and useless.
I am mostly angry at myself for feeling so drained and inadequate.
I feel that I am not doing enough and I am tired all the time.
In fact, I find that I pathetic because I could not endure more.
Is this what it means to be human? So vulnerable and fragile?
This is our great excuse? Because we are humans and not Buddhas or Gods, so it is ok for us to be weak and slip and fall?
This week, I feel like I am falling and it is already Day 60.
I am already more than half way through and yet I can still struggle like this.
I asked myself, why am I so weak? Why am I so drained and exhausted? Would having a maid lighten my load, and give me more time?
Honestly, the answer is NO.
I am just not used to doing everything and now I have to do everything. Every single thing.
My every DNA hates work of any sort and it repels anything that has to do with work.
Remember the Queen of Sloth? Well, she is harder to kill than I thought.
There goes to show how deep laziness breeds inside me.
My fear of work is the same as my fear of pain.
Fear governed me so strongly. It had paralysed me for so long.
And now, I find myself still at war with the ‘enemy within’.
I have not won the fight yet, but every day I am gaining ground.
I may be bruised and wounded but I get better and stronger.
(BTW, my laptop crashed again and had to be re-started. So, I lost everything that I did not save before this. And now, I have to re-start again.)
Yes, I am very tired, exhausted and depressed. There is so much to do and I find that I am constantly running out of time and energy.
To be frank, this week, I finished three tubs of ice cream and 5 individual sticks of ice cream. That is not including the five cups of frozen yogurt I bought.
When I am sad and depressed, I eat ice cream. A lot of ice cream.
I guess you could say I am disappointed in myself for feeling so weak and fragile. And I am not satisfied with using the excuse that I am only human to make myself feel better. It does not work with me, or on me because I find that no real beneficial results come from using such excuses for myself. And I want to see real results. Not half baked ones.
I do not find that I am being hard on myself. In fact, I firmly believe that I am so over and done with EASY.
EASY may be attractive and appealing for now, but it will soon tie me up in its shackles and chains, and I’d be damned with eternal suffering.
As much as I may be cursing, screaming, growling, kicking and tearing my hair out because it is all just getting to me – I am also well aware of what commitments I made. And I am not about to give any of them up.
Yes, I know that I have not won the war yet.
Yes, I know I can fall at anytime and regress, especially when I am weak.
Yes, I know I am wounded and bruised.
But I also know that I will heal and get better, and become stronger.
Yes, some days it pains me, drains me, and absolutely drives me up the wall, and it can even break me into pieces, but still – it does not kill me.
I will pick up the pieces of me and mend myself, because I can. And I will.
I may need a few days to recover and recuperate, but I will not stop altogether and just give up.
I am here already at DAY 62 and that means, 38 days more to go.
Beyond the 100 days, I am looking at my ‘total liberation’ and not ‘life imprisonment’.
Even after 100 days, things will still continue to take place and I will still be tested on a day to day basis.
It ain’t over until the last breath leaves my body.
And you know what – I rather die trying and fight all the way than to just give up because I am just too darn lazy or cowardly.
( MY DAY FIFTY-SEVEN to DAY SIXTY-TWO:- )
Weight: 52kg
No. Of Prostrations: 65
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: 55 minutes daily
Reflection for the whole crazy week from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 059.
Quote from Page 059 for Day Fifty-Six to Day Sixty-Two :
“Controlling one’s anger one step at a time leads to balance and peace.
Anger is quick and it passes but its effects are worse than EARTHQUAKES and its after-effects stay.
Why create earthquakes when there are none?”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
Once again the quote speaks for me. Or rather, about me.
Every destructive and negative emotion passes quickly – if we allow them to.
And the way we handle them enables ‘their damage’ to be imposed and imparted onto others, not just ourselves.
I have a great deal of anger in me and I have been asking myself, where does this stem from?
Until now, I have not found an adequate answer.
I have noticed that every single thing that goes wrong or does not go according to my expectations, I would get angry – automatically. My natural reaction or reflex to anything is anger.
If I drop something, I get annoyed with myself. If something screws up or gets delayed, I get irritated and angry.
Anything that goes off the wrong way, I react with anger.
And then, after all that GRRRRR, the fangs, claws, barks and bites – after all is quiet and calm, I am filled with remorse.
Especially, after I have surveyed the extent of the damage I have done, while I was in my ‘anger mode’.
I used to say the most hurtful things and do the most unpleasant things when in anger – to both animate or inanimate objects.
Today, for instance, I was so consumed with my anger, exhaustion and frustration that I could not even leave the house and attend a very important Puja. And this Puja is a very important puja for our guru’s Long Life. It is indeed a priviledge and honour to do this puja.
I had spent so much time stewing myself with this draining rage that I could not even do the right thing.
So, of course, I inconvenienced others in the Puja team, and also, missed out on a golden opportunity to serve our Guru. But did I think about that when I was so consumed with myself? Could I even think beyond myself for a second?
No, not today. Not this week.
I could not even see beyond my 5 fingers this week.
I could barely hold it together for my daughter as it was.
ENDURANCE and ENDURE are the two words I have to master, with joy and devotion.
This is the GREAT divide between the Enlightened Beings and us, mere human beings – Enlightened Beings will always endure the most for others’ sake and well being, they will subject themselves to the worst so that the rest do not have to suffer, whereas we humans cannot even control our own anger or mood swings, we cannot even endure a really bad day, and we are already screaming for a break.
Am I selfish? Yes, definitely.
As it is I cannot even get a grip of my own foul mood, there is no need for me to talk about enduring much more for anyone else.
I still have a lot of work ahead of me.
Like I said, it may take more than 100 days, or it may take a whole lifetime – whatever it is, I MUST NOT GIVE UP.
(As I end this post, this laptop has gone screwy about a dozen times, not including the crash and the two deletions of my paragarphs. I did not blow up this time. May be I am more aware at this time and the anger has been vented off much earlier.)
There are a lot of natural disasters around us as it is, we do not need to add 'man-made disasters' to the list now, do we?
Saturday, May 15, 2010
DAY 55: NEW HABITUATIONS START TO CREEP IN???
DAY FIFTY-FIVE: Friday, 14th May 2010
Guess what?
I am beginning to feel restless now that today is much more relaxed.
Now that I have some spare time, I do not feel quite so at ease.
I am not even happy about it like I normally would be.
I do not find myself gravitating towards the bed or the DVD player and TV.
In fact, I shocked myself by thinking, “Hmm...what else can I do now?”
Can it be? Can it really be happening already?
Can new sets of behaviour and habits start to kick into my system at long last?!
Dare I hope and dream?
Well, let me just say this – “IT’S BLOODY WELL TIME! WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG, WOMAN?!”
I just had to say that to myself. Haha
In any case, I ain’t going backwards, so there is only “forward movements” and that equals to progress.
Can you believe it that I do not want to procrastinate and delay things anymore?
I want to do them and complete them as soon as they land on my hands. My only obstacle to completing tasks fast is remembering them in the first place. I am getting so forgetful these days. But no fear, I am writing it all down on yellow post-it notes and sticking them all over the place. Even one in the bathroom wall! Ha!
So, I volunteered myself for more Dharma work at E-Division and on top of that, I am undertaking a special Dharma project which will be un-veiled in due course.
Today, I also went to a local casting agency because I wanted to get myself ‘hired’ out. Yes, I am a ‘gun for hire’, selling my face and talent for a fee. The other bigger projects are taking some time to materialize, as they usually do.
So, I am available for hire for hosting, acting in TVCs or corporate videos or anything at all.
Sorry, no X Rated stuff.
You wouldn’t want that either.
Underneath this body is nothing but cobwebs and weeds.
Take my word for it. Don’t even go there. That’s a horror movie in itself! Yup, in 5D as well, not just in 3D! Hahahahaha
Here, my DAY FIFTY-FIVE unfolds :-
Weight: 52kg
No. Of Prostrations: 60
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: no time – it is all work, work, work
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 047.
Oh my, I so love this!
Quote from Page 047 for Day Fifty-Five:
“PEACE CANNOT BE LEFT AS AN UNATTAINABLE GOAL. IF WE APPLY EFFORT, IT IS ACHIEVABLE.
THERE IS NO ONE CAUSE FOR WORLD PEACE BUT IF YOU HAD TO PICK, THEN ERADICATE THE SELF-CENTRED MIND FIRST. THE REST WILL FOLLOW.”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
Only one more thing to add – AMEN!
(If we only had a word in Tibetan Buddhism for Amen)
Now, if your'll excuse me I have an essay to complete and then I have to mop the floors.
Night night, everyone. Or Good Morning, depending on where you are.
Most importantly, have a good one!
Life is so interesting when one is not lazy. Many things can take form!
Guess what?
I am beginning to feel restless now that today is much more relaxed.
Now that I have some spare time, I do not feel quite so at ease.
I am not even happy about it like I normally would be.
I do not find myself gravitating towards the bed or the DVD player and TV.
In fact, I shocked myself by thinking, “Hmm...what else can I do now?”
Can it be? Can it really be happening already?
Can new sets of behaviour and habits start to kick into my system at long last?!
Dare I hope and dream?
Well, let me just say this – “IT’S BLOODY WELL TIME! WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG, WOMAN?!”
I just had to say that to myself. Haha
In any case, I ain’t going backwards, so there is only “forward movements” and that equals to progress.
Can you believe it that I do not want to procrastinate and delay things anymore?
I want to do them and complete them as soon as they land on my hands. My only obstacle to completing tasks fast is remembering them in the first place. I am getting so forgetful these days. But no fear, I am writing it all down on yellow post-it notes and sticking them all over the place. Even one in the bathroom wall! Ha!
So, I volunteered myself for more Dharma work at E-Division and on top of that, I am undertaking a special Dharma project which will be un-veiled in due course.
Today, I also went to a local casting agency because I wanted to get myself ‘hired’ out. Yes, I am a ‘gun for hire’, selling my face and talent for a fee. The other bigger projects are taking some time to materialize, as they usually do.
So, I am available for hire for hosting, acting in TVCs or corporate videos or anything at all.
Sorry, no X Rated stuff.
You wouldn’t want that either.
Underneath this body is nothing but cobwebs and weeds.
Take my word for it. Don’t even go there. That’s a horror movie in itself! Yup, in 5D as well, not just in 3D! Hahahahaha
Here, my DAY FIFTY-FIVE unfolds :-
Weight: 52kg
No. Of Prostrations: 60
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: no time – it is all work, work, work
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 047.
Oh my, I so love this!
Quote from Page 047 for Day Fifty-Five:
“PEACE CANNOT BE LEFT AS AN UNATTAINABLE GOAL. IF WE APPLY EFFORT, IT IS ACHIEVABLE.
THERE IS NO ONE CAUSE FOR WORLD PEACE BUT IF YOU HAD TO PICK, THEN ERADICATE THE SELF-CENTRED MIND FIRST. THE REST WILL FOLLOW.”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
Only one more thing to add – AMEN!
(If we only had a word in Tibetan Buddhism for Amen)
Now, if your'll excuse me I have an essay to complete and then I have to mop the floors.
Night night, everyone. Or Good Morning, depending on where you are.
Most importantly, have a good one!
Life is so interesting when one is not lazy. Many things can take form!
DAY 54: SIMPLE DEEDS, SMALL GESTURES
DAY FIFTY-FOUR: Thursday, 13th May 2010
Finally, a day to breathe a little.
All the major works are done, and sent out.
Now, I have a moment to breathe in and out without a mad rush and dash.
So, after weeks of madness and mayhem having a parade every single day – I finally can dance a whole parade by myself.
So, I decided to do something nice NOT for myself for a change.
I decided to cook for my whole family because my parents’ maid had also run away this last Saturday. Imagine that. (What did I tell you about things just kept happening?! HAHA)
Anyways, my mother has been cooking all our meals and running around the house like a headless chicken.
Not that I have been home much because I was so tied up with my own work and was mostly bound to my own home.
But usually, everyone in the family eats together at my parents’ house. Especially, dinners.
So, I thought I would be a good daughter and relive her for one day.
And I did just that.
Before cooking dinner, I took her out for a coffee break and we had cheese-cakes.
I sat opposite her, listening to her stories for the 4th or 5th time. Until she was well emptied out of her own frustrations and sadness.
I could not solve all her problems because most of hers also lie within her own mind set. But I provided her with what she needed most at that time, a sympathetic ear.
Then later at night, when everyone got home from work, they all ate dinner together.
Me? I never eat after I cook.
I don’t know why but it has always been like that.
In any case, they were all fed well.
Above all, my mum was a little relieved and that made me happy.
So, now for my DAY FIFTY-FOUR :-
Weight: 52kg
No. Of Prostrations: 60
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: no time – it is all work, work, work
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 057.
Quote from Page 057 for Day Fifty-Four:
“CHOOSE TO BE PART OF THE PROBLEM OR PART OF THE SOLUTION.”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
Needless to say, this is one of my favourite quotes.
Sometimes even when we cannot become part of the solution, we can stop ourselves from being part of the problem – and that would be a great help in itself.
In the case of my family, I always find that I cannot really help them much and I can’t resolve anything for them in actual sense, but by providing some form of relief, it can soothe the mind and spirit a great deal – even if it is for a brief respite.
Sometimes a brief respite allows one to recuperate so that they can go back into their daily battles once again, or continue facing them.
We cannot fight someone else’s war for them, no matter how much we love them.
We certainly can’t choose the battles for them either.
But we can give offer them a temporary shelter from all their chaos, just enough for them to gather their strength and rise again.
And that is helping a lot as it is.
Relief gives them a temporary shelter from the barrage of problems so that each person can recuperate and then continue with their own battles once again.
Life’s battles can only be fought and won by the individual in question.
We can’t fight someone else’s war nor choose the battles for others, but we can help in various other ways. This is something within our powers to do so. And what a difference that could make to that particular individual!
For my mum’s case, she managed to smile for the rest of the day and frowned a lot less.
SOMETIMES A SIMPLE GESTURE CAN BRING SUCH COMFORTS, IF NOT RELIEF - EVEN IF IT IS A BRIEF RESPITE AT THAT.
WE ALL NEED A LITTLE BREAK EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE SO THAT WE CAN CONTINUE WITH OUR OWN BATTLES.
Finally, a day to breathe a little.
All the major works are done, and sent out.
Now, I have a moment to breathe in and out without a mad rush and dash.
So, after weeks of madness and mayhem having a parade every single day – I finally can dance a whole parade by myself.
So, I decided to do something nice NOT for myself for a change.
I decided to cook for my whole family because my parents’ maid had also run away this last Saturday. Imagine that. (What did I tell you about things just kept happening?! HAHA)
Anyways, my mother has been cooking all our meals and running around the house like a headless chicken.
Not that I have been home much because I was so tied up with my own work and was mostly bound to my own home.
But usually, everyone in the family eats together at my parents’ house. Especially, dinners.
So, I thought I would be a good daughter and relive her for one day.
And I did just that.
Before cooking dinner, I took her out for a coffee break and we had cheese-cakes.
I sat opposite her, listening to her stories for the 4th or 5th time. Until she was well emptied out of her own frustrations and sadness.
I could not solve all her problems because most of hers also lie within her own mind set. But I provided her with what she needed most at that time, a sympathetic ear.
Then later at night, when everyone got home from work, they all ate dinner together.
Me? I never eat after I cook.
I don’t know why but it has always been like that.
In any case, they were all fed well.
Above all, my mum was a little relieved and that made me happy.
So, now for my DAY FIFTY-FOUR :-
Weight: 52kg
No. Of Prostrations: 60
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: no time – it is all work, work, work
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 057.
Quote from Page 057 for Day Fifty-Four:
“CHOOSE TO BE PART OF THE PROBLEM OR PART OF THE SOLUTION.”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
Needless to say, this is one of my favourite quotes.
Sometimes even when we cannot become part of the solution, we can stop ourselves from being part of the problem – and that would be a great help in itself.
In the case of my family, I always find that I cannot really help them much and I can’t resolve anything for them in actual sense, but by providing some form of relief, it can soothe the mind and spirit a great deal – even if it is for a brief respite.
Sometimes a brief respite allows one to recuperate so that they can go back into their daily battles once again, or continue facing them.
We cannot fight someone else’s war for them, no matter how much we love them.
We certainly can’t choose the battles for them either.
But we can give offer them a temporary shelter from all their chaos, just enough for them to gather their strength and rise again.
And that is helping a lot as it is.
Relief gives them a temporary shelter from the barrage of problems so that each person can recuperate and then continue with their own battles once again.
Life’s battles can only be fought and won by the individual in question.
We can’t fight someone else’s war nor choose the battles for others, but we can help in various other ways. This is something within our powers to do so. And what a difference that could make to that particular individual!
For my mum’s case, she managed to smile for the rest of the day and frowned a lot less.
SOMETIMES A SIMPLE GESTURE CAN BRING SUCH COMFORTS, IF NOT RELIEF - EVEN IF IT IS A BRIEF RESPITE AT THAT.
WE ALL NEED A LITTLE BREAK EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE SO THAT WE CAN CONTINUE WITH OUR OWN BATTLES.
DAY 53: RECKONING, APOLOGIES AND MAKING PEACE
DAY FIFTY-THREE: Wednesday, 12th May 2010
Can I just say it again how much I totally loathe so many things coming at me all at the same time?
In my natural state – ok, perhaps not quite natural – maybe it is a state that has been compounded by many lifetimes of habituation – so let me start again...
In my habitual preferred state, I certainly do not like nor appreciate so many things happening ALL at one time and coming at me ALL at the same time.
I have always reacted very badly in the past.
Oh, very atrociously indeed!
Let me just state one very good blast from the past...
In my brief time of marriage (less than 2 years), what I could not stand most being in that marriage was that things just kept happening to us.
There was no rest, pause and you can forget about the word: STOP.
There was simply no such button.
And I took them all very badly because I viewed them as real problems and that would mean, dire absence of peace – in my context, in my world, of course.
What did I expect at that time?
Simple – I expected that I got married to this man and things would be rosy and well.
I expected, all things EASY.
At first, I was very keen and industrious in resolving all our challenges and woes. In fact, I was very much at the forefront of the battlefields, almost like a Joan of Arc.
Well, that didn’t last very long.
Because as soon as I resolved one problem, two more would turn up. And as soon as I resolved those two, three more would pop up. I am sure you get the sequence here.
It was unbelievable!
At some point, I began to question if there was a leaky tap of problems somewhere just directed at my ex-husband’s family in particular - because it truly, really felt like that for the longest time.
Then this un-ending and bottomless pit of problems began to gnaw at my sanity.
Until finally - I began to view my “ex-husband and his whole lot” as a real burden to me.
And I wanted to be rid of them so that I could also get rid of the problems once and for all.
That was my mental state and how I viewed things, people and life back in 2002.
I could not understand how problems are very much part of life, and that they do go hand in hand.
In truth, for the most part of my life, until I got married, that is – it was all very smooth and lovely. More like fun and games. There was never a dull or painful moment. Not real ones, at least. Problems simply did not exist in my world prior to marriage.
BUT after being married and starting a life, all these changed overnight.
And it was not so much that anything was super bad, I just could not handle anything remotely not good – all of them, all at the same time.
In a word, I succumbed.
In the end, all I was left was in tatters and shreds. I could barely recognise myself anymore.
And yes, I blamed "him(my ex-husband) and his whole lot". I really did.
But seriously, it was just me and my inability to manage life, in general.
So, the very idea of ending my own life became most appealing.
When one starts to view everything around as a LIVING HELL-HOLE, then one would be dying to die.
From then onwards, the disintegration was total and fatal.
Him, me and everyone else in the family.
Above all, our poor little daughter.
Now, I understand where all my anger stems from.
Frustrations, resentment and bitterness – that a picture perfect life was denied of me.
And the guilt that I could not complete my daughter’s idea of the picture perfect family also devastated me – until simply, one day, I just decided that it was really so easy and possible to die at any moment and I could make it happen. And that it will all really end with that slit on my wrist.
Morbid, isn’t it?
Well, I was ruled by Darkness for the longest time.
Do you know of the kind of darkness that I am talking about here?
The no-end-in-sight of a long lonely night, that drips, and drips, each drop beckons a leaky painful sting of no escape.
Yes, that was how I viewed it all.
But that is precisely the point – I viewed it all as such, as opposed to what was real - because I was so incapable and unwilling to see beyond my own pain.
The mere fact that I was suffering and that my suffering supersedes all else and everyone else, made me into a glorified self-piteous, pathetic betrayer of life.
We do not see it when we are in it.
In fact, we can’t even tell the difference anymore after a while.
That is the scariest and most dangerous thing about one’s delusional mind.
It weaves such insidious lies!
Before you know it, you’ve become an “invalid, crippling retard” because that is exactly how you have allowed your mind to mould you into. You find yourself asking for it, because you no longer want to be responsible and accountable. You cannot bear to be so, as that would mean that you must share the blame. And there is no way that you would want to believe that, of course. So, you begin to embrace, if not devour every delusion, illusion until they all become your new perceived reality.
Yet, in truth, everything is still left un-resolved.
You are still swimming in the very cesspool that you have created. In fact, you have even made it bigger and deeper. So, now it will not only consume you but also those around you.
No different than that huge Black Hole in outer space.
It just sucks the life out of you and everyone else.
No, this is NOT just a vicious cycle anymore.
It is a bloody sadistic one.
Yup, that is what we have all become in today’s world.
"You inflict pain on me, I get you back."
In your mind, you’ll be saying to yourself – “I want you to feel all the pain I have felt and more. You are not getting off that easy. You will join me in the suffering.”
Before too long, you’ll start to derive too much pleasure out of inflicting the pain onto others, you’d start to really enjoy it so much that it becomes your only vocation in life.
Sadistic is the name you wear around your neck like a garland of great achievement.
Yes, that was how I saw life and people.
The sad thing – it took me so long to understand what great injustice and suffering I was inflicting onto others.
Hence, when we can’t resolve our own problems, we do become not just part of the problem to others and ourselves – we may just become the “real cause” of the problems to everyone else, including ourselves.
Now you can understand why I killed the old Shirley with my own bare hands.
It was mercy killing.
These days, when all things are flying at me all at the same time, I develop better time management and less agitation.
I would even squeeze in a time for Monopoly with my baby girl because it makes her happy to play that game before she goes to bed. Especially, when she wins.
The joy and calmness at nights when she lays sound asleep next to me, that face is everything that sums up the reason why I chose to transform myself in the first place.
There is another role I can choose to become – a source of comfort and joy.
Perhaps some day when I finally grow up, I can even become the solution to problems, not just for myself, but also, to others.
And that would be truly lovely.
Now, for my DAY FIFTY-THREE :-
Weight: 52kg
No. Of Prostrations: 60
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: no time – it is all work, work, work
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 125.
Quote from Page 125 for Day Fifty-Three:
“I want you to have another perspective.
Right now, tonight, you find out your husband or your wife died. They died. No more.
You go home and your partner, your friend, your mother, your daughter, your sister, your wife, your husband is dead.
You go home alone.
Now, how do you feel?
Now, who wins?
What about the latest argument? The latest nagging session? The latest fight?
The last time you sat there in anger and thought, “They did this and they did that to me?”
And you know what is the fear behind all that? It will happen. None of us can escape that.”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
Will you be happy when everyone dies, because you actually believe that they are the source of all your problems?
Will be you attain your happiness when they are all dead?
Do you think you will be happy then?
I don’t think so either.
So, what will you choose to do?
Well, this is something you can only find out for yourself – when you decide to find that courage to dig deeper within, and un-earth the truth buried into the depths of you.
For me, I just have one more thing I need to do while I still can...
I offer my very public and deepest apologies to my ex-husband - for I had caused him the most pain and the greatest suffering until we were both drenched in blood, haemorrhaging all the way to the divorce courts and out. And the subsequent years it took to mend those wounds and heal those scars.
Though now we are no longer husband and wife, but surely, as good friends we can both continue to work on that.
THANK YOU FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME for all those years.
THANK YOU FOR BEING SUCH A GRACIOUS SOUL in all this time.
I sincerely wish you all the happiness that you so deserve with the most wonderful lady you have now.
Oh yes, she is a real darling and don’t you ever forget that!
I adore her dearly too. So, please value her every single day and make each day meaningful to behold.
Thank you for ALWAYS having such good taste in women! HAHA
And my personal message to the rest of you reading -
Our Past is gone. Our Future is yet to be.
Our Present becomes a gift when we make it to be, by creating the causes for a much better future to manifest.
And what is the best gift of all – PEACE FOR ALL, PEACE FOR YOURSELF.
The time for peace is now.
The time to make peace is NOW.
PEACE FOR YOURSELF, PEACE FOR ALL.
Don't delay it anymore ya.
Can I just say it again how much I totally loathe so many things coming at me all at the same time?
In my natural state – ok, perhaps not quite natural – maybe it is a state that has been compounded by many lifetimes of habituation – so let me start again...
In my habitual preferred state, I certainly do not like nor appreciate so many things happening ALL at one time and coming at me ALL at the same time.
I have always reacted very badly in the past.
Oh, very atrociously indeed!
Let me just state one very good blast from the past...
In my brief time of marriage (less than 2 years), what I could not stand most being in that marriage was that things just kept happening to us.
There was no rest, pause and you can forget about the word: STOP.
There was simply no such button.
And I took them all very badly because I viewed them as real problems and that would mean, dire absence of peace – in my context, in my world, of course.
What did I expect at that time?
Simple – I expected that I got married to this man and things would be rosy and well.
I expected, all things EASY.
At first, I was very keen and industrious in resolving all our challenges and woes. In fact, I was very much at the forefront of the battlefields, almost like a Joan of Arc.
Well, that didn’t last very long.
Because as soon as I resolved one problem, two more would turn up. And as soon as I resolved those two, three more would pop up. I am sure you get the sequence here.
It was unbelievable!
At some point, I began to question if there was a leaky tap of problems somewhere just directed at my ex-husband’s family in particular - because it truly, really felt like that for the longest time.
Then this un-ending and bottomless pit of problems began to gnaw at my sanity.
Until finally - I began to view my “ex-husband and his whole lot” as a real burden to me.
And I wanted to be rid of them so that I could also get rid of the problems once and for all.
That was my mental state and how I viewed things, people and life back in 2002.
I could not understand how problems are very much part of life, and that they do go hand in hand.
In truth, for the most part of my life, until I got married, that is – it was all very smooth and lovely. More like fun and games. There was never a dull or painful moment. Not real ones, at least. Problems simply did not exist in my world prior to marriage.
BUT after being married and starting a life, all these changed overnight.
And it was not so much that anything was super bad, I just could not handle anything remotely not good – all of them, all at the same time.
In a word, I succumbed.
In the end, all I was left was in tatters and shreds. I could barely recognise myself anymore.
And yes, I blamed "him(my ex-husband) and his whole lot". I really did.
But seriously, it was just me and my inability to manage life, in general.
So, the very idea of ending my own life became most appealing.
When one starts to view everything around as a LIVING HELL-HOLE, then one would be dying to die.
From then onwards, the disintegration was total and fatal.
Him, me and everyone else in the family.
Above all, our poor little daughter.
Now, I understand where all my anger stems from.
Frustrations, resentment and bitterness – that a picture perfect life was denied of me.
And the guilt that I could not complete my daughter’s idea of the picture perfect family also devastated me – until simply, one day, I just decided that it was really so easy and possible to die at any moment and I could make it happen. And that it will all really end with that slit on my wrist.
Morbid, isn’t it?
Well, I was ruled by Darkness for the longest time.
Do you know of the kind of darkness that I am talking about here?
The no-end-in-sight of a long lonely night, that drips, and drips, each drop beckons a leaky painful sting of no escape.
Yes, that was how I viewed it all.
But that is precisely the point – I viewed it all as such, as opposed to what was real - because I was so incapable and unwilling to see beyond my own pain.
The mere fact that I was suffering and that my suffering supersedes all else and everyone else, made me into a glorified self-piteous, pathetic betrayer of life.
We do not see it when we are in it.
In fact, we can’t even tell the difference anymore after a while.
That is the scariest and most dangerous thing about one’s delusional mind.
It weaves such insidious lies!
Before you know it, you’ve become an “invalid, crippling retard” because that is exactly how you have allowed your mind to mould you into. You find yourself asking for it, because you no longer want to be responsible and accountable. You cannot bear to be so, as that would mean that you must share the blame. And there is no way that you would want to believe that, of course. So, you begin to embrace, if not devour every delusion, illusion until they all become your new perceived reality.
Yet, in truth, everything is still left un-resolved.
You are still swimming in the very cesspool that you have created. In fact, you have even made it bigger and deeper. So, now it will not only consume you but also those around you.
No different than that huge Black Hole in outer space.
It just sucks the life out of you and everyone else.
No, this is NOT just a vicious cycle anymore.
It is a bloody sadistic one.
Yup, that is what we have all become in today’s world.
"You inflict pain on me, I get you back."
In your mind, you’ll be saying to yourself – “I want you to feel all the pain I have felt and more. You are not getting off that easy. You will join me in the suffering.”
Before too long, you’ll start to derive too much pleasure out of inflicting the pain onto others, you’d start to really enjoy it so much that it becomes your only vocation in life.
Sadistic is the name you wear around your neck like a garland of great achievement.
Yes, that was how I saw life and people.
The sad thing – it took me so long to understand what great injustice and suffering I was inflicting onto others.
Hence, when we can’t resolve our own problems, we do become not just part of the problem to others and ourselves – we may just become the “real cause” of the problems to everyone else, including ourselves.
Now you can understand why I killed the old Shirley with my own bare hands.
It was mercy killing.
These days, when all things are flying at me all at the same time, I develop better time management and less agitation.
I would even squeeze in a time for Monopoly with my baby girl because it makes her happy to play that game before she goes to bed. Especially, when she wins.
The joy and calmness at nights when she lays sound asleep next to me, that face is everything that sums up the reason why I chose to transform myself in the first place.
There is another role I can choose to become – a source of comfort and joy.
Perhaps some day when I finally grow up, I can even become the solution to problems, not just for myself, but also, to others.
And that would be truly lovely.
Now, for my DAY FIFTY-THREE :-
Weight: 52kg
No. Of Prostrations: 60
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: no time – it is all work, work, work
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 125.
Quote from Page 125 for Day Fifty-Three:
“I want you to have another perspective.
Right now, tonight, you find out your husband or your wife died. They died. No more.
You go home and your partner, your friend, your mother, your daughter, your sister, your wife, your husband is dead.
You go home alone.
Now, how do you feel?
Now, who wins?
What about the latest argument? The latest nagging session? The latest fight?
The last time you sat there in anger and thought, “They did this and they did that to me?”
And you know what is the fear behind all that? It will happen. None of us can escape that.”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
Will you be happy when everyone dies, because you actually believe that they are the source of all your problems?
Will be you attain your happiness when they are all dead?
Do you think you will be happy then?
I don’t think so either.
So, what will you choose to do?
Well, this is something you can only find out for yourself – when you decide to find that courage to dig deeper within, and un-earth the truth buried into the depths of you.
For me, I just have one more thing I need to do while I still can...
I offer my very public and deepest apologies to my ex-husband - for I had caused him the most pain and the greatest suffering until we were both drenched in blood, haemorrhaging all the way to the divorce courts and out. And the subsequent years it took to mend those wounds and heal those scars.
Though now we are no longer husband and wife, but surely, as good friends we can both continue to work on that.
THANK YOU FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME for all those years.
THANK YOU FOR BEING SUCH A GRACIOUS SOUL in all this time.
I sincerely wish you all the happiness that you so deserve with the most wonderful lady you have now.
Oh yes, she is a real darling and don’t you ever forget that!
I adore her dearly too. So, please value her every single day and make each day meaningful to behold.
Thank you for ALWAYS having such good taste in women! HAHA
And my personal message to the rest of you reading -
Our Past is gone. Our Future is yet to be.
Our Present becomes a gift when we make it to be, by creating the causes for a much better future to manifest.
And what is the best gift of all – PEACE FOR ALL, PEACE FOR YOURSELF.
The time for peace is now.
The time to make peace is NOW.
PEACE FOR YOURSELF, PEACE FOR ALL.
Don't delay it anymore ya.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
DAY 52: Fire-fighting or Fire-Starter? Which are you?
DAY FIFTY-TWO: Tuesday, 11th May 2010
I have never been poorer than I am now.
I feel that I am living from hand to mouth.
Little does anyone know but I have to pay off so many bills and whatever extras I have left, I rather give it to Kechara.
But even I know that I am to blame for my current state because I am the one who created the causes for me to land in this situation now. So, there is nothing more that I can say nor should I complain. Hence, creating the causes is something very real. The results do come and bite us in the end, if it is bad. If it is good, then it comes to reward us in the end.
We do not realise it, but every day we are creating the causes for a certain future for ourselves to manifest.
For me, I am already putting on all the brakes on how I spend my money. I am creating another future for myself. One that does not see me living from hand to mouth and hopefully, relatively smaller bills to pay.
As of now, I can’t even remember the last time that I had bought myself a new dress. The last treat I gave myself was doing my hair, but even that is for the media work I have to personify.
There is the real me or the normal me, and there is the “media me”.
And yes, I always talk about the “media me” as a third person because in many ways it is hard to imagine that we are one and the same.
Also, it helps me not to get it into my “easily inflated head” that I am this or I am that, and that the “media me” is so highly important.
A resounding NO.
The “media me” is a job that I have to do in order to achieve the things I need to achieve. But to say that she is all of me, would be untrue. And to say that I am completely unlike her is also untrue.
I am not sure if I am explaining myself properly here. I hope all of you are able to understand me somehow.
In a sentence, I do not think the “media me” is anything special. She is just a media profile. Even when the day comes that she happens to be super famous, she will still be just a media profile, to me.
The one who is truly special is one who created her in the first place.
Oh, it is not me – at least, not all me.
The real creator is my Guru and all those people who helped her to get through every stage and every level.
A personality or celebrity does not arrive on his or her own. (Not that I am one yet. hehe) So, don’t be fooled. A lot of people work very hard behind the scenes to make it possible for them to embody that status. There is a whole entourage that keeps "personalities and celebrities" where they are – from the publicists, the managers, the stylists, etc.
The day that “media me” becomes someone special and earns my respect is when she uses her fame for greater good. And that is exactly what I am waiting or working hard to accomplish.
For now, the “media me” is someone I have to wear when I go out. That is all.
Here is my DAY FIFTY-TWO :-
Weight: 52kg
No. Of Prostrations: 35
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: no time – it is all work, work, work
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 067.
Quote from Page 067 for Day Fifty-Two:
“If people react negatively to you, and you react in the same way, then you are just the same as them. But, you say, they started it. Yes, they did but you continued it.
What is the difference?”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
I think it is safe to say that most people do not think or even believe that they are wrong, as long as they did not start it.
They completely remove themselves from blame and responsibility when they convince themselves that they were just defending themselves by the virtue that they did not start it.
So, I am going to pose this question to everyone:-
“Who will we honour and thank – regardless of who started the FIRE, would we actually applaud the one who allows the FIRE to CONTINUE and SPREAD or the one who actually STOPS the FIRE altogether?”
I think the answer is obvious.
We always thank and remember those who saves lives and helps. Like the heroic Firemen. They certainly never ever start the fires that they rush to put out and sometimes, they get burnt by the fires too. So, they even risk their own lives in wanting to save the lives of others.
So, is there really any difference when we allow ourselves to continue in any negative way towards anyone or anything?
In truth, and this may hurt a little - we are just as guilty when we continue, and we are just as accountable for all the mess.
Stop playing the victim when we are not, because the real victim is really dying, where as we are just adding to the fuel and causing death to others around us, inclusive of our own self.
Yes, don’t start.
Better yet, do not add on and continue.
Stop the fire, save lives and friendships.
That would be much more valuable in the end.
No one needs to get burnt at all in the first place.
I have never been poorer than I am now.
I feel that I am living from hand to mouth.
Little does anyone know but I have to pay off so many bills and whatever extras I have left, I rather give it to Kechara.
But even I know that I am to blame for my current state because I am the one who created the causes for me to land in this situation now. So, there is nothing more that I can say nor should I complain. Hence, creating the causes is something very real. The results do come and bite us in the end, if it is bad. If it is good, then it comes to reward us in the end.
We do not realise it, but every day we are creating the causes for a certain future for ourselves to manifest.
For me, I am already putting on all the brakes on how I spend my money. I am creating another future for myself. One that does not see me living from hand to mouth and hopefully, relatively smaller bills to pay.
As of now, I can’t even remember the last time that I had bought myself a new dress. The last treat I gave myself was doing my hair, but even that is for the media work I have to personify.
There is the real me or the normal me, and there is the “media me”.
And yes, I always talk about the “media me” as a third person because in many ways it is hard to imagine that we are one and the same.
Also, it helps me not to get it into my “easily inflated head” that I am this or I am that, and that the “media me” is so highly important.
A resounding NO.
The “media me” is a job that I have to do in order to achieve the things I need to achieve. But to say that she is all of me, would be untrue. And to say that I am completely unlike her is also untrue.
I am not sure if I am explaining myself properly here. I hope all of you are able to understand me somehow.
In a sentence, I do not think the “media me” is anything special. She is just a media profile. Even when the day comes that she happens to be super famous, she will still be just a media profile, to me.
The one who is truly special is one who created her in the first place.
Oh, it is not me – at least, not all me.
The real creator is my Guru and all those people who helped her to get through every stage and every level.
A personality or celebrity does not arrive on his or her own. (Not that I am one yet. hehe) So, don’t be fooled. A lot of people work very hard behind the scenes to make it possible for them to embody that status. There is a whole entourage that keeps "personalities and celebrities" where they are – from the publicists, the managers, the stylists, etc.
The day that “media me” becomes someone special and earns my respect is when she uses her fame for greater good. And that is exactly what I am waiting or working hard to accomplish.
For now, the “media me” is someone I have to wear when I go out. That is all.
Here is my DAY FIFTY-TWO :-
Weight: 52kg
No. Of Prostrations: 35
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: no time – it is all work, work, work
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 067.
Quote from Page 067 for Day Fifty-Two:
“If people react negatively to you, and you react in the same way, then you are just the same as them. But, you say, they started it. Yes, they did but you continued it.
What is the difference?”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
I think it is safe to say that most people do not think or even believe that they are wrong, as long as they did not start it.
They completely remove themselves from blame and responsibility when they convince themselves that they were just defending themselves by the virtue that they did not start it.
So, I am going to pose this question to everyone:-
“Who will we honour and thank – regardless of who started the FIRE, would we actually applaud the one who allows the FIRE to CONTINUE and SPREAD or the one who actually STOPS the FIRE altogether?”
I think the answer is obvious.
We always thank and remember those who saves lives and helps. Like the heroic Firemen. They certainly never ever start the fires that they rush to put out and sometimes, they get burnt by the fires too. So, they even risk their own lives in wanting to save the lives of others.
So, is there really any difference when we allow ourselves to continue in any negative way towards anyone or anything?
In truth, and this may hurt a little - we are just as guilty when we continue, and we are just as accountable for all the mess.
Stop playing the victim when we are not, because the real victim is really dying, where as we are just adding to the fuel and causing death to others around us, inclusive of our own self.
Yes, don’t start.
Better yet, do not add on and continue.
Stop the fire, save lives and friendships.
That would be much more valuable in the end.
No one needs to get burnt at all in the first place.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
DAY 51: COMING UNDONE BUT NOT GOING UNDER
DAY FIFTY-ONE: Monday, 10th May 2010
I have been just snowed under so many things.
And you know what that does to my mood? NOT A VERY PRETTY PICTURE.
Of course, I have been house bound too – because when one has so much to do, one can’t even leave the front door unless one is going out to throw the garbage.
Here, I am beginning to appreciate having a maid.
I have calculated the time it takes me to clean just my bathroom. Of course, this is bearing in mind that I clean like a NAZI on cleanliness and everything being spot-free. The “finish off” is the Disinfecting Spray.
It takes me 1 hour just to finish my bathroom according to my standards. Let’s not even go to how long it takes me to iron, mop the floor and vacuum.
In the past, I never knew how long it took to do all these things. And I used to think that an hour was already giving the maid plenty time to clean! Well, now I cannot blame her for missing out on so many things, and breaking many things in the process.
To date, I broke one of my offering bowls to Mother White Tara’s altar. But I have burnt and scalded myself numerous times. My fingers and hands carry all kinds of WAR wounds!
Now, the reason I am sharing all this is because when I used to have the maid, she was around to take care the many things that I do not need to do so that I can sleep in some more, or watch my DVDs or just do nothing and be happy about doing nothing.
I did not use the extra time I had for any worthy deeds, noble works or anything useful - NADA. I did not even offer to volunteer my time for any Dharma work!
I wanted to spend time going to the spa, shopping, singing and even dancing. By the way, when I say shopping – it is not shopping for clothes or shoes or bags. I do not have that kind of passion. Thank goodness!
I like shopping for household items, gadgets and all things for the kitchen. I also have a penchant for buying Blu Ray DVDs, and watching them, naturally.
I love all things audio visual! Music, Movies and then some! I love the whole theatre surround sound and THX effect. 3D, if I could too.
But sadly, these days I do not even have the time to switch on the telly or the DVD player, or even take out any of my Blu Ray Discs. I just say “Hello” when I walk past them every morning and then, I say “Good Night” when I walk past them at nights.
And I haven’t even told you the time I have to spend on my REAL work, after the cleaning and washing and ironing, etc.
I have to rush out a lot of writings for various different projects – from documentary, to MTV, to movie to a Gallery to a song.
And the famous words flashed before me – “DO NOT RUSH THE CREATIVE PROCESS”.
Yeah, right.
I am like going on the speed of the supersonic jet, and I still feel that I am running out of time.
So, if I were to hire a maid again – and that is a big “IF” – I’ll make sure that all my free time will not be used up in vain anymore.
These days, luxury comes in the form of me having the chance to eat Doritos Chips with Salsa sauce and just hear the quiet end to the day’s madness. Luxury takes on different meanings nowadays. And also, sleep.
I have to tell you about the one time that I screamed and threw my electric toothbrush across the bathroom because I was just sooooo darn mad that the ceiling in my bathroom leaked and it started to fall apart on me.
I had to spend 3 hours cleaning the bathroom that day, not counting the 2 hours it took the maintenance people to fix the leak. And guess what, they still have to come back and re-do the ceiling because they had to make sure that there is no more leak. All in all, I felt that I had wasted 5 fricking hours of doing things that did not have to be done if I had a maid, and I could just get on with my work. Yup, there will be more mess to clean when they come back to fix the ceiling. GAWD. What will I throw now since I have already completely damaged my electric toothbrush? HAHA
Yes, in the past, I would have screamed even more – probably throw more than a toothbrush and then may be took the screaming to the management of the condo, the workers or anyone I could get hold of because I HAD TO VENT. Yes, Her Majesty had to let it all out and so her subjects must endure her. I was always more pissed because it all ate into my “leisure time”, or it was disturbing my “leisure time”.
These days, I have no time for leisurely activities and have probably forgotten what they look like too.
All in all, I am very glad to be under-going all this – despite that one day of explosion. Thank goodness no one was around, except may be two fruit flies got whacked in the process. Karma, Karma, Karma...yes, I am well aware. After the whole volcanic eruption was over, I wept and wept – literally broke down in front of my altar.
I felt that I was coming undone.
Then I realised why people quit from Spiritual Practice and Dharma work.
They can’t take these trying times and all of us will undoubtedly have ours, because detoxification is about purging the bad stuff out. In our case, it is our minds, our emotions and our ill-intended desires. So much crap to flush out.
So, I begged for forgiveness and prayed for the two fruit flies which were casualties of my personal war within, and pledged to continue pushing myself. I vowed that I will return life after life and help these two flies until they too meet with a more beneficial option in their lives. Yes, imagine me – praying for two dead flies!
Honestly, I do not want to give up or even stop, just because everything is hard and challenging, and even if it is really draining on me. No, I simply do not want to keep running away because I expect things to be easy. Why must things be easy anyhow?
WHAT HAS “EASY” DONE FOR ME IN ALL MY LIFE?
Seriously, it only made me lazier, more afraid, more defensive, extremely selfish and I could go on and on.
Now, here lie before me is my golden chance to make something better of myself and I want to quit just because it is painful or difficult at this stage? Sorry, NO WAY!
I can cry and I may scream and curse again – I may even throw the whole toilet sink out of the window at some stage, but I will continue with this. I WILL!
The reality is I can’t even squeeze any more time out of myself even if I slept a little less than 3 hours without being dysfunctional, but I firmly believe in this training. This is the training of my life and I am not about to ask for an easier route. Not anymore. No more escapism from the truth. No more hiding from myself.
I don’t care how hard it is going to be – as I am sure it will get harder than this and I have heard so many different comments from all my family members and friends that it is just soooo terribly HARD. Well, my news for all of you – I ain’t going no where.
BRING IT ON.
GO AHEAD, CHALLENGE ME.
I am not going under. I have faith in my Guru.
I will show you what I am made of.
Here is my DAY FIFTY-ONE :-
Weight: 52kg
No. Of Prostrations: 50
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: zero because I spent it all on household chores and my media work.
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 095.
Quote from Page 095 for Day Fifty-One:
“If we look around us, if we are very honest with ourselves and examine the difficulties we have in our lives, we should begin to question where these difficulties came from.
Who gave them to us? Who created them?
We have to be very honest, in the silence of our rooms, alone with our minds and we have to ask ourselves, “Was I the cause and author of all this?” If we are honest with ourselves, we will realise that we most likely were.
Commitment is not about how many obstacles you face.
Commitment is how much you want it.”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
Took the words right out of my mouth!
I do not need to wait until I am in the silence of my own room. I have already bared the truth about myself to all of you in here - openly, willingly and honestly.
I am the author of my own mess. I have created the causes for all of these to happen here and now, from all the things I have said and done in the past, and even those that I have not said and done.
I have carved this bed with my own bare hands, and if I don’t like lying in it, I had better re-upholster them myself and learn new skills if I have to.
So, there are no difficulties infront of me but only what I want.
And what I want is the best of Shirley Maya Tan.
Yes, I want that so badly that it burns through every pore in my body.
Now, I have to end here and get back to work.
Please forgive me for the delays in the blog posts and please expect that there will be more delays to come.
Life has just begun to get very interesting.
Thank you all and a very good night.
I have been just snowed under so many things.
And you know what that does to my mood? NOT A VERY PRETTY PICTURE.
Of course, I have been house bound too – because when one has so much to do, one can’t even leave the front door unless one is going out to throw the garbage.
Here, I am beginning to appreciate having a maid.
I have calculated the time it takes me to clean just my bathroom. Of course, this is bearing in mind that I clean like a NAZI on cleanliness and everything being spot-free. The “finish off” is the Disinfecting Spray.
It takes me 1 hour just to finish my bathroom according to my standards. Let’s not even go to how long it takes me to iron, mop the floor and vacuum.
In the past, I never knew how long it took to do all these things. And I used to think that an hour was already giving the maid plenty time to clean! Well, now I cannot blame her for missing out on so many things, and breaking many things in the process.
To date, I broke one of my offering bowls to Mother White Tara’s altar. But I have burnt and scalded myself numerous times. My fingers and hands carry all kinds of WAR wounds!
Now, the reason I am sharing all this is because when I used to have the maid, she was around to take care the many things that I do not need to do so that I can sleep in some more, or watch my DVDs or just do nothing and be happy about doing nothing.
I did not use the extra time I had for any worthy deeds, noble works or anything useful - NADA. I did not even offer to volunteer my time for any Dharma work!
I wanted to spend time going to the spa, shopping, singing and even dancing. By the way, when I say shopping – it is not shopping for clothes or shoes or bags. I do not have that kind of passion. Thank goodness!
I like shopping for household items, gadgets and all things for the kitchen. I also have a penchant for buying Blu Ray DVDs, and watching them, naturally.
I love all things audio visual! Music, Movies and then some! I love the whole theatre surround sound and THX effect. 3D, if I could too.
But sadly, these days I do not even have the time to switch on the telly or the DVD player, or even take out any of my Blu Ray Discs. I just say “Hello” when I walk past them every morning and then, I say “Good Night” when I walk past them at nights.
And I haven’t even told you the time I have to spend on my REAL work, after the cleaning and washing and ironing, etc.
I have to rush out a lot of writings for various different projects – from documentary, to MTV, to movie to a Gallery to a song.
And the famous words flashed before me – “DO NOT RUSH THE CREATIVE PROCESS”.
Yeah, right.
I am like going on the speed of the supersonic jet, and I still feel that I am running out of time.
So, if I were to hire a maid again – and that is a big “IF” – I’ll make sure that all my free time will not be used up in vain anymore.
These days, luxury comes in the form of me having the chance to eat Doritos Chips with Salsa sauce and just hear the quiet end to the day’s madness. Luxury takes on different meanings nowadays. And also, sleep.
I have to tell you about the one time that I screamed and threw my electric toothbrush across the bathroom because I was just sooooo darn mad that the ceiling in my bathroom leaked and it started to fall apart on me.
I had to spend 3 hours cleaning the bathroom that day, not counting the 2 hours it took the maintenance people to fix the leak. And guess what, they still have to come back and re-do the ceiling because they had to make sure that there is no more leak. All in all, I felt that I had wasted 5 fricking hours of doing things that did not have to be done if I had a maid, and I could just get on with my work. Yup, there will be more mess to clean when they come back to fix the ceiling. GAWD. What will I throw now since I have already completely damaged my electric toothbrush? HAHA
Yes, in the past, I would have screamed even more – probably throw more than a toothbrush and then may be took the screaming to the management of the condo, the workers or anyone I could get hold of because I HAD TO VENT. Yes, Her Majesty had to let it all out and so her subjects must endure her. I was always more pissed because it all ate into my “leisure time”, or it was disturbing my “leisure time”.
These days, I have no time for leisurely activities and have probably forgotten what they look like too.
All in all, I am very glad to be under-going all this – despite that one day of explosion. Thank goodness no one was around, except may be two fruit flies got whacked in the process. Karma, Karma, Karma...yes, I am well aware. After the whole volcanic eruption was over, I wept and wept – literally broke down in front of my altar.
I felt that I was coming undone.
Then I realised why people quit from Spiritual Practice and Dharma work.
They can’t take these trying times and all of us will undoubtedly have ours, because detoxification is about purging the bad stuff out. In our case, it is our minds, our emotions and our ill-intended desires. So much crap to flush out.
So, I begged for forgiveness and prayed for the two fruit flies which were casualties of my personal war within, and pledged to continue pushing myself. I vowed that I will return life after life and help these two flies until they too meet with a more beneficial option in their lives. Yes, imagine me – praying for two dead flies!
Honestly, I do not want to give up or even stop, just because everything is hard and challenging, and even if it is really draining on me. No, I simply do not want to keep running away because I expect things to be easy. Why must things be easy anyhow?
WHAT HAS “EASY” DONE FOR ME IN ALL MY LIFE?
Seriously, it only made me lazier, more afraid, more defensive, extremely selfish and I could go on and on.
Now, here lie before me is my golden chance to make something better of myself and I want to quit just because it is painful or difficult at this stage? Sorry, NO WAY!
I can cry and I may scream and curse again – I may even throw the whole toilet sink out of the window at some stage, but I will continue with this. I WILL!
The reality is I can’t even squeeze any more time out of myself even if I slept a little less than 3 hours without being dysfunctional, but I firmly believe in this training. This is the training of my life and I am not about to ask for an easier route. Not anymore. No more escapism from the truth. No more hiding from myself.
I don’t care how hard it is going to be – as I am sure it will get harder than this and I have heard so many different comments from all my family members and friends that it is just soooo terribly HARD. Well, my news for all of you – I ain’t going no where.
BRING IT ON.
GO AHEAD, CHALLENGE ME.
I am not going under. I have faith in my Guru.
I will show you what I am made of.
Here is my DAY FIFTY-ONE :-
Weight: 52kg
No. Of Prostrations: 50
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: zero because I spent it all on household chores and my media work.
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 095.
Quote from Page 095 for Day Fifty-One:
“If we look around us, if we are very honest with ourselves and examine the difficulties we have in our lives, we should begin to question where these difficulties came from.
Who gave them to us? Who created them?
We have to be very honest, in the silence of our rooms, alone with our minds and we have to ask ourselves, “Was I the cause and author of all this?” If we are honest with ourselves, we will realise that we most likely were.
Commitment is not about how many obstacles you face.
Commitment is how much you want it.”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
Took the words right out of my mouth!
I do not need to wait until I am in the silence of my own room. I have already bared the truth about myself to all of you in here - openly, willingly and honestly.
I am the author of my own mess. I have created the causes for all of these to happen here and now, from all the things I have said and done in the past, and even those that I have not said and done.
I have carved this bed with my own bare hands, and if I don’t like lying in it, I had better re-upholster them myself and learn new skills if I have to.
So, there are no difficulties infront of me but only what I want.
And what I want is the best of Shirley Maya Tan.
Yes, I want that so badly that it burns through every pore in my body.
Now, I have to end here and get back to work.
Please forgive me for the delays in the blog posts and please expect that there will be more delays to come.
Life has just begun to get very interesting.
Thank you all and a very good night.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
DAY 50: A MOTHER WHO CAN LOVE ALL, and WHO CAN BE LOVED
DAY FIFTY: Sunday, 9th May 2010
It’s actually 50 days down, 50 more to go to complete my 100 days.
I am half way there.
It has been incredible. Can’t wait to see how the next 50 days will unfold.
Persistence is crucial.
Consistency is mandatory.
Otherwise, we fall prey to our inner demons again.
Every wrong decision made could set us backwards drastically.
Not different than the game of snakes and ladders, except it is reliant on chance, but our very own will in making the right decisions.
So, commitment must be uphold constantly.
This is the part that scares me the most.
Until we are truly transformed, we are, in many ways, still vulnerable.
This is why we must recognise where our vulnerabilities are, and acknowledge what they are.
So, in the period of transformation, we would not and should not expose ourselves to anything or anyone who will distract us further, disrupt our progress and cause us to stray from our commitments.
This is something I have learnt to recognise in myself of late.
And I know I do not want to waste all my efforts and time. So, I have cut myself off from things that do not aid my progress, but may actually hinder it.
I seriously do not want to regress in any way. Not anymore.
Time is ticking and the only one left behind will be me.
So, no thank you.
I’ll stay on the path and go all the way.
Today, I was selling Kechara's Wesak Day coupons to my second sister at our parents' house. We were all gathering to have a united Mother's Day lunch. Then my daughter came up to me and asked me what all these coupons are for?
I explained that Kechara will be holding a Wesak Day Fair on 22nd May, and there will be lots of fun activities for everyone and all of the funds raised will be used to do all the wonderful things that Kechara needs to do for everyone. Then, she said, "I'll support Kechara. I'll buy two books. Mummy, please take it from my savings. Will you take me there on that day?"
I was really shocked.
Then before the night was over, my daughter selected a few books from her own library to give to the little monks in Gaden Monastery, India. (I am in the midst of getting books out to the little monks there, as our friend, Duke is stationed out there for 6 months to teach them English. So, Duke has been asking for anyone and everyone who could donate English books to these little monks.)
After having spent some time making her selection, my daughter asked me to vet through the books, and see if they are good choices for the little monks. She was quite surprised to learn that there are little monks in the monastery. Now, she is all curious about them and is keen to visit Gaden Monastery.
This is the best Mother's Day gift I ever received from my daughter, to date.
Anyways, here is my DAY FIFTY :-
Weight: 52kg
No. Of Prostrations: 50
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: 45 mins
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 031.
Quote from Page 031 for Day Fifty:
“We can bring joy to others if we have controlled our minds. We can control our minds if we take any holy being’s teachings - of BUDDHA, MOHAMMED, JESUS CHRIST, KRISHNA – and we really sincerely practise them, not just follow blindly, then we will see a big difference..”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
That is an amazing quote.
I’ll take that as encouragement for me to persevere.
In 100 days, I will see a big difference in myself.
As it is, I am already feeling it and seeing a lot.
Thank you all for being with me, and helping me stay on the path.
Above all, thanks to Rinpoche for his undying love for all sentient beings and their transformation.
This is a most meaningful Mother’s Day indeed.
This is the only Mother’s Day that I have given myself a gift that matters – not only to me, but to those around me - my own transformation.
Now, isn’t that what a real mother should do – love all unconditionally and always have courage to do even the most difficult of tasks because her children are counting on her?
I am finally becoming a real mother.
It’s actually 50 days down, 50 more to go to complete my 100 days.
I am half way there.
It has been incredible. Can’t wait to see how the next 50 days will unfold.
Persistence is crucial.
Consistency is mandatory.
Otherwise, we fall prey to our inner demons again.
Every wrong decision made could set us backwards drastically.
Not different than the game of snakes and ladders, except it is reliant on chance, but our very own will in making the right decisions.
So, commitment must be uphold constantly.
This is the part that scares me the most.
Until we are truly transformed, we are, in many ways, still vulnerable.
This is why we must recognise where our vulnerabilities are, and acknowledge what they are.
So, in the period of transformation, we would not and should not expose ourselves to anything or anyone who will distract us further, disrupt our progress and cause us to stray from our commitments.
This is something I have learnt to recognise in myself of late.
And I know I do not want to waste all my efforts and time. So, I have cut myself off from things that do not aid my progress, but may actually hinder it.
I seriously do not want to regress in any way. Not anymore.
Time is ticking and the only one left behind will be me.
So, no thank you.
I’ll stay on the path and go all the way.
Today, I was selling Kechara's Wesak Day coupons to my second sister at our parents' house. We were all gathering to have a united Mother's Day lunch. Then my daughter came up to me and asked me what all these coupons are for?
I explained that Kechara will be holding a Wesak Day Fair on 22nd May, and there will be lots of fun activities for everyone and all of the funds raised will be used to do all the wonderful things that Kechara needs to do for everyone. Then, she said, "I'll support Kechara. I'll buy two books. Mummy, please take it from my savings. Will you take me there on that day?"
I was really shocked.
Then before the night was over, my daughter selected a few books from her own library to give to the little monks in Gaden Monastery, India. (I am in the midst of getting books out to the little monks there, as our friend, Duke is stationed out there for 6 months to teach them English. So, Duke has been asking for anyone and everyone who could donate English books to these little monks.)
After having spent some time making her selection, my daughter asked me to vet through the books, and see if they are good choices for the little monks. She was quite surprised to learn that there are little monks in the monastery. Now, she is all curious about them and is keen to visit Gaden Monastery.
This is the best Mother's Day gift I ever received from my daughter, to date.
Anyways, here is my DAY FIFTY :-
Weight: 52kg
No. Of Prostrations: 50
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: 45 mins
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 031.
Quote from Page 031 for Day Fifty:
“We can bring joy to others if we have controlled our minds. We can control our minds if we take any holy being’s teachings - of BUDDHA, MOHAMMED, JESUS CHRIST, KRISHNA – and we really sincerely practise them, not just follow blindly, then we will see a big difference..”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
That is an amazing quote.
I’ll take that as encouragement for me to persevere.
In 100 days, I will see a big difference in myself.
As it is, I am already feeling it and seeing a lot.
Thank you all for being with me, and helping me stay on the path.
Above all, thanks to Rinpoche for his undying love for all sentient beings and their transformation.
This is a most meaningful Mother’s Day indeed.
This is the only Mother’s Day that I have given myself a gift that matters – not only to me, but to those around me - my own transformation.
Now, isn’t that what a real mother should do – love all unconditionally and always have courage to do even the most difficult of tasks because her children are counting on her?
I am finally becoming a real mother.
DAY 49: INTO THE ARMS OF KECHARA & BECOMING "KECHARIAN"
DAY FORTY-NINE: Saturday, 8th May 2010
My life would be very different without Rinpoche and Kechara.
If you read my post the day before this, you will have some definite ideas.
And yet there are just some people would not understand or even appreciate, because no one could see the inner turmoil in the past and the inner calmness that is embodying me now.
Here, I am referring to those ‘disbelievers’ and those who choose to see all this Dharma and spirituality as hocus pocus, or simply, losing oneself or worse, becoming a fanatic. Like a Tailban Buddhist.
When they see us devoting ourselves to Rinpoche, they immediately would say, “Oh, how can you entrust your whole life into the hands of one man?! You have no self-control or a mind of your own?”
They look at me, and they think I am pathetic or they think that I have totally lost it.
Or I would get this kind of comment - “Gawd, what happened to you? I always thought that you were smarter than that?”
In this post, I am not going to mince my words. I am going to be very direct.
So, you have been warned. Proceed at your own risk.
Yes, if it was allowed and I would not be incurring any bad karma by doing it – I would love to take out one of my whips and just whack the living daylights out of these people! Yes, I so would!
Oh I am well aware what is the very thing that they are afraid of.
It is, the truth.
1) They have already entrusted their whole lives into their own hands, and look where are they at?
They may dress in the finest of clothes and look somewhat altogether but inside? And here, we do not even have to delve too deep. They are a mess, a wreck and are in shambles. So, how are they doing a good job so far? Let’s be honest, shall we? We all suck at managing our lives but we like to ‘project’ that we are doing so fabulously well. (liars, liars, pants on fire – at least, some of us have the guts to admit and get help) Sadly, when we refuse to acknowledge, when we cannot or won't even give ourselves the real help we so desperately need, then we would have wasted our whole lives, living in a sham and in pain.
2) Who at this day and age – I mean, the average folks out there, has a real self-control?
Bloody hell, when the first sale comes, we all rush to it. Women can’t even stop themselves from buying the next great pair of shoes or that new dress or handbag. Men can’t get control their own urges. And most people are chasing after paper money and worshipping it like its their brand new God. So, that is self-control? When you are strung up like a puppet and all the strings are tied to your desires, ego, self-serving needs and wants – that’s in total control? Right.
3) Honey, if you were so smart – you’d start getting some help too instead of depriving yourself from what truly frees you.
Ok sorry, may be, you are much smarter – because you have come up with such ingenious ways to avoid doing what is truly good for you so that you can continue indulging in all that you desire. And why do you even need to create such grand justifications in the first place? Because you have already given yourself over to your desires. So, what fricking self-control are we talking about here? The self control to perpetually self-serve and self-indulge? Truth to be told, this is your new God. That’s you idol worshipping in today’s context, and your idols are named: money, branded goods, sex, drugs, alcohol, etc.
THIS IS ADDICTION OF THE HIGHEST DEGREE, DARLING.
Yes, I can say this because I have walked down those paths, worshipped those very same idols and then some!
I WAS ONE OF THOSE, ONE OF YOU.
I have convinced myself over and over again that this is what culminates enjoying the best of life, and achieving one’s life goals. And I did all that just so I could CONTINUE doing it all, and not feel guilty about it. And the more people I gathered around me, like an every expanding Club, the less we feel it is bad and we can all start to make this as the acceptable STANDARD of living and label it as true QUALITY of life.
And yet when we each go back home – we cry ourselves to sleep, or we feel the emptiness within and we wonder why. Still, instead of dealing with it and facing it, we distract ourselves even more with higher dosage of what we have been accustomed to, or have become addicted to. Oh yes, we will find ourselves, always wanting more and more. There is no such thing as enough. It is like we keep stuffing our faces, but we always end up hungry and craving for more.
This is the real situation here, ok. Let’s not kid ourselves anymore. Stop for a second. Step back and take a good look at yourself and your life. Seriously evaluate.
Do we really want to wait until the day we lay on our death bed, and then we regret? By then, it is way too late.
AS THEY SEAL OUR COFFINS, OUR KARMA IS ALSO SEALED.
There, I have said it! Yes, I had to say it because I am so fed up of hearing these statements over and over again. How many more lies do we want to keep telling ourselves?!
DO YOU KNOW WHY I LOVE RINPOCHE AND WOULD GLADLY SURRENDER TO HIM – five times a day, if I have to?
Because in teaching me to submit to HIM, I learnt HUMILITY.
I learnt how to put someone else ahead of me, above me and hold this person in the highest regard like a precious jewel. Because this is and should be the very same way I treat those I love, and people around me.
Rinpoche pushes all my buttons, un-earth all my ugliness and scars so that I do not just bury them and forget about them. None of them will go away just because I chose to ignore them. But when I face them, with Rinpoche's guidance, and deal with them, I grow from there.
As Rinpoche heals me, HE teaches me the ability to heal myself and others too.
From just ONE MAN, I have not only regained myself – I regained my life’s purpose and I can too become a source of joy, comfort and benefit to others. Especially, to people I love.
Yes, from just ONE MAN, I gained freedom from my self-serving ways and broke down all barriers within.
This same ONE MAN taught me the courage to believe in a better me, and in the process, brought out the best of me.
I am no longer afraid to do more, to care more and to give more.
Now, I know how to love myself in the right way and start caring for others in the right way as well.
THIS IS THE MAN who gave me a new lease in life – one that I can carry forward into my next, and so forth.
And guess what? I am not the only one.
HE does the same for everyone - to every student and friend.
This is the great compassion in action of H.E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche.
What has any of your desires, cravings, addiction and self-serving ways done for you?
Where have they all taken you?
Better yet, have you even done anything for someone else lately?
I learnt that the courage to give more is not because one has more to give. It is because one understands the real meaning of giving and losing.
WHY would anyone – from the day he was born to his whole adult life – be spent on just thinking about others, how to help others and making it easy and convenient for others to get help?
Rinpoche does this, from the minute he opens his eyes to the time he closes his eyes to sleep. And he does not even sleep much.
You know what – Rinpoche understands us more than we think. He has seen, counselled and met so many thousands and thousands of people in the course of his work.
The good, the bad, the ugly, the confused, the lost, the hopeless, the rebel, the whatevers, you name it – he has met them all.
The truth is, Rinpoche relates to us very well (more than we can relate to him) and that enables him to guide us to relate to our own spirituality. More importantly, how it becomes part of our daily life, in today’s context – without compromising our so-called ‘lifestyle’, ‘quality of life’ and ‘standards of living’.
You find yourself still retaining yourself – but it is a much better you and definitely, a happier one.
And why I love Kechara so much – because it is a place whereby all of the same like-minded individuals, guided by the same search or motivation, and love for all beings come together, to help one another, in order to become better people. As we are all healing ourselves, we are also healing others.
It is like a Country Club of love, healing, joy and spirituality.
Rinpoche designed Kechara in such a way, with the various departments, specialising in different fields or activities, because they provide the gateway for anyone to enter to find themselves.
Be it arts, crafts, feeding the homeless, or media and publications or animal care – whatever your interests or skills and talents lie – you can become the best of you by starting from where you are, with your own interests, skills and talents. This is spirituality tailored to the individual, made easy and convenient because we want such comforts and ease.
So, this is Kecharian Spirituality, attained by just being you, because spirituality is very personal. Therefore, it becomes our personal journey.
No, I ain’t making a sales pitch.
I am taking the time and trouble to explain what it is all about.
May be you should spend some time and trouble finding out what you are all about too.
Aren't you worth it?
Here, is my DAY FORTY-NINE :-
Weight: 52kg
No. Of Prostrations: 10
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: 0
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 025.
Quote from Page 025 for Day Forty-Nine:
“Universally, whatever country, race or religion, the thought of taking pain and suffering for others onto ourselves, quietly and secretly, is true spirituality.
Holiness is not a state of you having a halo. Holiness is you trying harder.”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
And if we don’t try harder for ourselves, who should?
Liberation lies in the palm of our own hands.
It is not just a pretty phrase.
It is truth.
My life would be very different without Rinpoche and Kechara.
If you read my post the day before this, you will have some definite ideas.
And yet there are just some people would not understand or even appreciate, because no one could see the inner turmoil in the past and the inner calmness that is embodying me now.
Here, I am referring to those ‘disbelievers’ and those who choose to see all this Dharma and spirituality as hocus pocus, or simply, losing oneself or worse, becoming a fanatic. Like a Tailban Buddhist.
When they see us devoting ourselves to Rinpoche, they immediately would say, “Oh, how can you entrust your whole life into the hands of one man?! You have no self-control or a mind of your own?”
They look at me, and they think I am pathetic or they think that I have totally lost it.
Or I would get this kind of comment - “Gawd, what happened to you? I always thought that you were smarter than that?”
In this post, I am not going to mince my words. I am going to be very direct.
So, you have been warned. Proceed at your own risk.
Yes, if it was allowed and I would not be incurring any bad karma by doing it – I would love to take out one of my whips and just whack the living daylights out of these people! Yes, I so would!
Oh I am well aware what is the very thing that they are afraid of.
It is, the truth.
1) They have already entrusted their whole lives into their own hands, and look where are they at?
They may dress in the finest of clothes and look somewhat altogether but inside? And here, we do not even have to delve too deep. They are a mess, a wreck and are in shambles. So, how are they doing a good job so far? Let’s be honest, shall we? We all suck at managing our lives but we like to ‘project’ that we are doing so fabulously well. (liars, liars, pants on fire – at least, some of us have the guts to admit and get help) Sadly, when we refuse to acknowledge, when we cannot or won't even give ourselves the real help we so desperately need, then we would have wasted our whole lives, living in a sham and in pain.
2) Who at this day and age – I mean, the average folks out there, has a real self-control?
Bloody hell, when the first sale comes, we all rush to it. Women can’t even stop themselves from buying the next great pair of shoes or that new dress or handbag. Men can’t get control their own urges. And most people are chasing after paper money and worshipping it like its their brand new God. So, that is self-control? When you are strung up like a puppet and all the strings are tied to your desires, ego, self-serving needs and wants – that’s in total control? Right.
3) Honey, if you were so smart – you’d start getting some help too instead of depriving yourself from what truly frees you.
Ok sorry, may be, you are much smarter – because you have come up with such ingenious ways to avoid doing what is truly good for you so that you can continue indulging in all that you desire. And why do you even need to create such grand justifications in the first place? Because you have already given yourself over to your desires. So, what fricking self-control are we talking about here? The self control to perpetually self-serve and self-indulge? Truth to be told, this is your new God. That’s you idol worshipping in today’s context, and your idols are named: money, branded goods, sex, drugs, alcohol, etc.
THIS IS ADDICTION OF THE HIGHEST DEGREE, DARLING.
Yes, I can say this because I have walked down those paths, worshipped those very same idols and then some!
I WAS ONE OF THOSE, ONE OF YOU.
I have convinced myself over and over again that this is what culminates enjoying the best of life, and achieving one’s life goals. And I did all that just so I could CONTINUE doing it all, and not feel guilty about it. And the more people I gathered around me, like an every expanding Club, the less we feel it is bad and we can all start to make this as the acceptable STANDARD of living and label it as true QUALITY of life.
And yet when we each go back home – we cry ourselves to sleep, or we feel the emptiness within and we wonder why. Still, instead of dealing with it and facing it, we distract ourselves even more with higher dosage of what we have been accustomed to, or have become addicted to. Oh yes, we will find ourselves, always wanting more and more. There is no such thing as enough. It is like we keep stuffing our faces, but we always end up hungry and craving for more.
This is the real situation here, ok. Let’s not kid ourselves anymore. Stop for a second. Step back and take a good look at yourself and your life. Seriously evaluate.
Do we really want to wait until the day we lay on our death bed, and then we regret? By then, it is way too late.
AS THEY SEAL OUR COFFINS, OUR KARMA IS ALSO SEALED.
There, I have said it! Yes, I had to say it because I am so fed up of hearing these statements over and over again. How many more lies do we want to keep telling ourselves?!
DO YOU KNOW WHY I LOVE RINPOCHE AND WOULD GLADLY SURRENDER TO HIM – five times a day, if I have to?
Because in teaching me to submit to HIM, I learnt HUMILITY.
I learnt how to put someone else ahead of me, above me and hold this person in the highest regard like a precious jewel. Because this is and should be the very same way I treat those I love, and people around me.
Rinpoche pushes all my buttons, un-earth all my ugliness and scars so that I do not just bury them and forget about them. None of them will go away just because I chose to ignore them. But when I face them, with Rinpoche's guidance, and deal with them, I grow from there.
As Rinpoche heals me, HE teaches me the ability to heal myself and others too.
From just ONE MAN, I have not only regained myself – I regained my life’s purpose and I can too become a source of joy, comfort and benefit to others. Especially, to people I love.
Yes, from just ONE MAN, I gained freedom from my self-serving ways and broke down all barriers within.
This same ONE MAN taught me the courage to believe in a better me, and in the process, brought out the best of me.
I am no longer afraid to do more, to care more and to give more.
Now, I know how to love myself in the right way and start caring for others in the right way as well.
THIS IS THE MAN who gave me a new lease in life – one that I can carry forward into my next, and so forth.
And guess what? I am not the only one.
HE does the same for everyone - to every student and friend.
This is the great compassion in action of H.E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche.
What has any of your desires, cravings, addiction and self-serving ways done for you?
Where have they all taken you?
Better yet, have you even done anything for someone else lately?
I learnt that the courage to give more is not because one has more to give. It is because one understands the real meaning of giving and losing.
WHY would anyone – from the day he was born to his whole adult life – be spent on just thinking about others, how to help others and making it easy and convenient for others to get help?
Rinpoche does this, from the minute he opens his eyes to the time he closes his eyes to sleep. And he does not even sleep much.
You know what – Rinpoche understands us more than we think. He has seen, counselled and met so many thousands and thousands of people in the course of his work.
The good, the bad, the ugly, the confused, the lost, the hopeless, the rebel, the whatevers, you name it – he has met them all.
The truth is, Rinpoche relates to us very well (more than we can relate to him) and that enables him to guide us to relate to our own spirituality. More importantly, how it becomes part of our daily life, in today’s context – without compromising our so-called ‘lifestyle’, ‘quality of life’ and ‘standards of living’.
You find yourself still retaining yourself – but it is a much better you and definitely, a happier one.
And why I love Kechara so much – because it is a place whereby all of the same like-minded individuals, guided by the same search or motivation, and love for all beings come together, to help one another, in order to become better people. As we are all healing ourselves, we are also healing others.
It is like a Country Club of love, healing, joy and spirituality.
Rinpoche designed Kechara in such a way, with the various departments, specialising in different fields or activities, because they provide the gateway for anyone to enter to find themselves.
Be it arts, crafts, feeding the homeless, or media and publications or animal care – whatever your interests or skills and talents lie – you can become the best of you by starting from where you are, with your own interests, skills and talents. This is spirituality tailored to the individual, made easy and convenient because we want such comforts and ease.
So, this is Kecharian Spirituality, attained by just being you, because spirituality is very personal. Therefore, it becomes our personal journey.
No, I ain’t making a sales pitch.
I am taking the time and trouble to explain what it is all about.
May be you should spend some time and trouble finding out what you are all about too.
Aren't you worth it?
Here, is my DAY FORTY-NINE :-
Weight: 52kg
No. Of Prostrations: 10
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: 0
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 025.
Quote from Page 025 for Day Forty-Nine:
“Universally, whatever country, race or religion, the thought of taking pain and suffering for others onto ourselves, quietly and secretly, is true spirituality.
Holiness is not a state of you having a halo. Holiness is you trying harder.”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
And if we don’t try harder for ourselves, who should?
Liberation lies in the palm of our own hands.
It is not just a pretty phrase.
It is truth.
DAY 48: WHAT BECOMES A VICIOUS CYCLE - IT BEGINS WITH SELF-LOATHING
DAY FORTY-EIGHT: Friday, 7th May 2010
Sometimes I feel that whatever I am doing is still not enough.
There is just so much ‘toxic’ in me to purge out – like bad blood.
For example - There is not enough time in the day for me to do what I need to do – or so I keep saying and thinking. And I have been rushing like mad from one thing to another, even doing a few things at the same time. That’s really bad because I usually end screwing up something because I am not concentrating.
So, I asked myself, why am I rushing and for what purpose am I trying to finish up as fast as I could?
On the surface, to everyone watching, I may seem like such a hard-working little bee, doing so much at one go. But on deeper reflection, I realised that my main motive was that I could squeeze out extra few minutes or hours to myself so that I could do absolutely nothing.
I love doing nothing and lying in bed, not moving a muscle!
I don’t have to be sleeping. I just adore lying in bed and doing nothing. That to me, is the highest form of luxury. (You can see what I mean by sloth now, don’t you? Yes, it goes so deep)
This is how bad it is – the point that even if I have to pee, I’d control it until my bladder is like literally yelling, I can’t stand it anymore. Then I’d grumble and growl and drag myself out of bed and finally go to the bathroom.
But the thing is though, once I am out of bed, I do not go back. That is why leaving it is soooo darn difficult.
So, as you can clearly see, my motivation for doing things fast and handling many things at one go is NOT the right motivation. And motivation sets the whole deed. The results will reflect the motivation.
Hence, I will always mess up some things, and be exceptionally late for meetings or appointments, or forget something important. The list goes on and on.
Frankly, I do not even know why I love doing nothing so much.
In fact, I would love it even more if there were no one around and no cars in the streets. Yes, I totally enjoy being isolated and away from everyone else. I do not like being in places that are filled with people, I do not even like talking to people and here I am, baring myself to the world and media is my career!
Yes, deep down inside – I am an anti-social to the core. I cringe every time I have to leave the house, drive my car and face the roads filled with other cars and mad drivers. Then I have to talk to people and care. So exhausting! It went against every natura grain in my body.
Yes, everyone remarks that they will never guess that I am one. Of course, looks can be deceiving at all times.
So, why and how I get myself to do all the things that I can’t naturally stand?
A different motivation is in place. A higher motivation. A spiritual motivation, to be exact.
When it is not about me, I think less about myself.
When I focus outwards, then it becomes for others, about others.
Mind you, it is not every day that I get it right.
But on the days that I get it right, I do feel completely, immensely and deeply happy. Happy that I did something for someone else. Then I realised, I really like making people happy and seeing them happy. It’s a joy that I cannot explain. Definitely a joy that even sex cannot come close – any time, any day.
So, for the anti-social to start caring for others and being concerned about other people’s happiness and peace of mind – there is only one thing I can say about this – it is because I hate pain and suffering. Especially having experienced a fair share of my own. Not that mine is any greater than others. I know for a fact that mine pales in comparison to others, but mine is all internal, in my mind. And I really dread that anyone else, or everyone else would have to feel pain, suffering or any sort of misery. I seriously do not like that.
So, that becomes more important than my own dislikes or my own preferences, and even my own sense of what is luxurious.
It is funny – knowing that the little I do or say has done something for someone truly completes my day.
Now, that is very ironic indeed for this anti-social.
This is my DAY FORTY-EIGHT :-
Weight: 52kg (WOW! FINALLY!)
No. Of Prostrations: 15 (It’s going to eratic, but I will continue to pay forward or make up)
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: 55 mins
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 109.
I think this may be a repeat, but nonetheless most appropriate for what I have been sharing above.
It still amazes me how I pick a page at random and it still comes out something like a teaching, as if to further expound on what I have been discussing - for the audience's benefit.
It is a sign that this book is just so darn GOOD!
It is just packed with wisdom for every single affliction that we humans have and are going through.
Quote from Page 109 for Day Forty-Eight:
“The people who complain, have difficulties, who are bitchy and problematic, the people who don’t transform, and the people who create gossip and problems – forgive them, love them, transform them by your example, and give them hope and courage by your persistence and effort of not giving up. Do not criticize, gossip, talk about them, write about them or say things about them, but in response to their harm, give them benefit.”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
I finally discovered and understood the source of my deep-seated anger.
I noticed that in the instance something goes wrong, or when I made a mistake, I will get very furious with myself.
In the past, I would even slap myself – oh yes, literally. I am so enraged at myself for failing to do the most simple of things. And I'd say things like, " Shirley, how can you be so stupid?! Didn't you go to school? You dumb bitch!"
So, if I can react or do respond as such towards myself – can you imagine how I would react to others?
In the very same vein - especially when someone makes a mistake, no matter how innocent or major. Blowing up like a short fuse was as regular with me as the scheduled screenings of movies at the cinemas. Yes, they were all major productions.
I have carried so much anger in me, at myself for so long. And it is really not about other people or what they do. In the end, I found out that I really did not love myself.
In truth, I hated myself – every fibre of me.
I was always most merciless and hardest on myself.
Despite what other people may say or think, but I know, because I know what inner dialogue went on inside me, and how much I ended up hitting myself. I just could not stand myself.
I was not kidding when I wrote in one of my older blog posts that I spawned from a place of self-loathing.
To be more explicit – I believed that I was utterly worthless. Hence, thoughts of suicide came every easy and conveniently so.
I even thought that my life would have been better served to someone else. If I could give my life over to someone else, I was sure he or she would have made a better living out of it, than I ever could.
Pain was my ever constant companion and suicide was like my arm candy.
So, whenever I saw people crumble, cry and fall from Grace – yes, I would also end up judging them very harshly. The coldness and numbness were not an act – they were real. As I was the same way with myself.
What hell I unleashed unto others could never compare to the hell I drowned myself in. If there was a walking HELL on earth, that would be me.
This is when you know you have allowed your thoughts, motivation and deeds to embody all of you. It is no longer a state of mind.
It is a state of being.
It was the most unbearable state of being – not just for me, but also to anyone who comes within my 5 mile radius.
Finally, I saw that there was a fate worse than suicide – it was the living hell that I personified.
Seriously, if I had not met Rinpoche – I would have succeeded in killing myself many times over. And I would probably be the cause of many other people’s suicides too - no doubt.
That’s how a vicious cycle begins.
The very things we do and say, will impact on those around us and then they get ‘infected’ by it and they end up getting ‘sick’ and then, they will start ‘infecting’ others because they are already ‘highly contagious’.
Scary, ya?
Makes you think?
I certainly hope so.
Here, I will leave you with one of my favourite quotes from Rinpoche's SMS teachings. This has come to mean a great deal to me.
"WHEN WE PUSH OURSELVES TO IMPROVE AND NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES, THAT MEANS WE LOVE OURSELVES THE RIGHT WAY AND WE RESPECT OTHERS"
Sometimes I feel that whatever I am doing is still not enough.
There is just so much ‘toxic’ in me to purge out – like bad blood.
For example - There is not enough time in the day for me to do what I need to do – or so I keep saying and thinking. And I have been rushing like mad from one thing to another, even doing a few things at the same time. That’s really bad because I usually end screwing up something because I am not concentrating.
So, I asked myself, why am I rushing and for what purpose am I trying to finish up as fast as I could?
On the surface, to everyone watching, I may seem like such a hard-working little bee, doing so much at one go. But on deeper reflection, I realised that my main motive was that I could squeeze out extra few minutes or hours to myself so that I could do absolutely nothing.
I love doing nothing and lying in bed, not moving a muscle!
I don’t have to be sleeping. I just adore lying in bed and doing nothing. That to me, is the highest form of luxury. (You can see what I mean by sloth now, don’t you? Yes, it goes so deep)
This is how bad it is – the point that even if I have to pee, I’d control it until my bladder is like literally yelling, I can’t stand it anymore. Then I’d grumble and growl and drag myself out of bed and finally go to the bathroom.
But the thing is though, once I am out of bed, I do not go back. That is why leaving it is soooo darn difficult.
So, as you can clearly see, my motivation for doing things fast and handling many things at one go is NOT the right motivation. And motivation sets the whole deed. The results will reflect the motivation.
Hence, I will always mess up some things, and be exceptionally late for meetings or appointments, or forget something important. The list goes on and on.
Frankly, I do not even know why I love doing nothing so much.
In fact, I would love it even more if there were no one around and no cars in the streets. Yes, I totally enjoy being isolated and away from everyone else. I do not like being in places that are filled with people, I do not even like talking to people and here I am, baring myself to the world and media is my career!
Yes, deep down inside – I am an anti-social to the core. I cringe every time I have to leave the house, drive my car and face the roads filled with other cars and mad drivers. Then I have to talk to people and care. So exhausting! It went against every natura grain in my body.
Yes, everyone remarks that they will never guess that I am one. Of course, looks can be deceiving at all times.
So, why and how I get myself to do all the things that I can’t naturally stand?
A different motivation is in place. A higher motivation. A spiritual motivation, to be exact.
When it is not about me, I think less about myself.
When I focus outwards, then it becomes for others, about others.
Mind you, it is not every day that I get it right.
But on the days that I get it right, I do feel completely, immensely and deeply happy. Happy that I did something for someone else. Then I realised, I really like making people happy and seeing them happy. It’s a joy that I cannot explain. Definitely a joy that even sex cannot come close – any time, any day.
So, for the anti-social to start caring for others and being concerned about other people’s happiness and peace of mind – there is only one thing I can say about this – it is because I hate pain and suffering. Especially having experienced a fair share of my own. Not that mine is any greater than others. I know for a fact that mine pales in comparison to others, but mine is all internal, in my mind. And I really dread that anyone else, or everyone else would have to feel pain, suffering or any sort of misery. I seriously do not like that.
So, that becomes more important than my own dislikes or my own preferences, and even my own sense of what is luxurious.
It is funny – knowing that the little I do or say has done something for someone truly completes my day.
Now, that is very ironic indeed for this anti-social.
This is my DAY FORTY-EIGHT :-
Weight: 52kg (WOW! FINALLY!)
No. Of Prostrations: 15 (It’s going to eratic, but I will continue to pay forward or make up)
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: 55 mins
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 109.
I think this may be a repeat, but nonetheless most appropriate for what I have been sharing above.
It still amazes me how I pick a page at random and it still comes out something like a teaching, as if to further expound on what I have been discussing - for the audience's benefit.
It is a sign that this book is just so darn GOOD!
It is just packed with wisdom for every single affliction that we humans have and are going through.
Quote from Page 109 for Day Forty-Eight:
“The people who complain, have difficulties, who are bitchy and problematic, the people who don’t transform, and the people who create gossip and problems – forgive them, love them, transform them by your example, and give them hope and courage by your persistence and effort of not giving up. Do not criticize, gossip, talk about them, write about them or say things about them, but in response to their harm, give them benefit.”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
I finally discovered and understood the source of my deep-seated anger.
I noticed that in the instance something goes wrong, or when I made a mistake, I will get very furious with myself.
In the past, I would even slap myself – oh yes, literally. I am so enraged at myself for failing to do the most simple of things. And I'd say things like, " Shirley, how can you be so stupid?! Didn't you go to school? You dumb bitch!"
So, if I can react or do respond as such towards myself – can you imagine how I would react to others?
In the very same vein - especially when someone makes a mistake, no matter how innocent or major. Blowing up like a short fuse was as regular with me as the scheduled screenings of movies at the cinemas. Yes, they were all major productions.
I have carried so much anger in me, at myself for so long. And it is really not about other people or what they do. In the end, I found out that I really did not love myself.
In truth, I hated myself – every fibre of me.
I was always most merciless and hardest on myself.
Despite what other people may say or think, but I know, because I know what inner dialogue went on inside me, and how much I ended up hitting myself. I just could not stand myself.
I was not kidding when I wrote in one of my older blog posts that I spawned from a place of self-loathing.
To be more explicit – I believed that I was utterly worthless. Hence, thoughts of suicide came every easy and conveniently so.
I even thought that my life would have been better served to someone else. If I could give my life over to someone else, I was sure he or she would have made a better living out of it, than I ever could.
Pain was my ever constant companion and suicide was like my arm candy.
So, whenever I saw people crumble, cry and fall from Grace – yes, I would also end up judging them very harshly. The coldness and numbness were not an act – they were real. As I was the same way with myself.
What hell I unleashed unto others could never compare to the hell I drowned myself in. If there was a walking HELL on earth, that would be me.
This is when you know you have allowed your thoughts, motivation and deeds to embody all of you. It is no longer a state of mind.
It is a state of being.
It was the most unbearable state of being – not just for me, but also to anyone who comes within my 5 mile radius.
Finally, I saw that there was a fate worse than suicide – it was the living hell that I personified.
Seriously, if I had not met Rinpoche – I would have succeeded in killing myself many times over. And I would probably be the cause of many other people’s suicides too - no doubt.
That’s how a vicious cycle begins.
The very things we do and say, will impact on those around us and then they get ‘infected’ by it and they end up getting ‘sick’ and then, they will start ‘infecting’ others because they are already ‘highly contagious’.
Scary, ya?
Makes you think?
I certainly hope so.
Here, I will leave you with one of my favourite quotes from Rinpoche's SMS teachings. This has come to mean a great deal to me.
"WHEN WE PUSH OURSELVES TO IMPROVE AND NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES, THAT MEANS WE LOVE OURSELVES THE RIGHT WAY AND WE RESPECT OTHERS"
Saturday, May 8, 2010
DAY 47: STOP WHINING AND JUST GET ON WITH IT, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
DAY FORTY-SEVEN: Thursday, 6th May 2010
I find myself constantly tired and in need of sleep.
Also, I become forgetful when I am exhausted.
That is the nagging side effect of lack of sleep – fatigue and forgetfulness. What a bummer!
I can totally use an AVATAR of myself. Now we can appreciate and understand why the Buddhas emanate in many various forms too! Wish I could do that too.
It’s going to be almost a month I have been living without a maid. Yup, come 10th May, it will be exactly a month.
Oh yes, that is an achievement in itself.
Especially coming from someone who is totally so "un-accomplished" such as myself.
I guess, now is the time that I am seriously building-up my own resume.
Who would have thought that my life actually starts at 40?!
By the way, I had my very first Chinese lesson today.
Boy, the Chinese Tutor finally realises that she has her work cut out for her. Haha.
She says, “But you can speak fairly well.”
Err..that is because for the little that I know how to pronounce, I made sure that I have learnt to do them well. But if anyone speaks to me for more than 10 minutes in Chinese, they will soon discover what a fake I am.
Imagine, I am a fake Chinese. HAHA
So, we started our lessons in things that will interest me so that I will be very motivated to learn the words well.
And the tutor exclaimed, “Wow, you are so deep into spirituality and philosophy. This is the most unusual class I have taught.”
Little does she know, it is just the beginning of a very beautiful learning experience.
So, I look at what lies ahead of me – with the looming deadline of first week of July to begin filming in China. I swallowed hard and asked her if she could come twice a week. She said, yes.
Thank you, Buddha!
Anyhow, this is my DAY FORTY-SEVEN :-
Weight: 53kg
No. Of Prostrations: 70 (Now I am paying forward too)
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: zero time
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 119.
Quote from Page 119 for Day Forty-Seven:
“Accept that things have to go, accept that things have to change, accept that things have to degenerate, accept that all things DO NOT BELONG TO YOU eventually.”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
I know what you are thinking because it is the very same thing that I am thinking – easier said than done!
I have always hated changes – especially when things break down in my home, oh, that really drove me up the wall and I would end up driving myself and everyone else crazy too.
I also hated the fact that things do not last as well as they should – even people. Sigh, wish I could have a robotic maid. But I am sure even then, that robot can malfunction.
CHANGE is the order of life.
And change was something, is something that completely disrupted/disrupts mine.
When I turn on my air-con, I expect it to be emitting out cold air each and every time. I do not like it when it has leaks and what-have-you.
When I come back home, I expect to see that everything stayed the same way as I left it, not that the light bulb has burst or the fridge had totally gone bad and everything is melting away, creating a mini pool in the apartment.
I particularly hate it when I am always seemingly late these days, even when I try my best to wake up early or leave early. And I used to punctual as TAX DAY.
There is always something coming up and popping up at the very last minute! Oh, I really hate that. I can’t stand last minute stuff.
And to top the icing on this hate-list cake – I especially abhor and utterly detest when things do not stop happening and keep flowing into my already very filled-to-the-brim, spilling out IN-TRAY.
I do not handle a flood of things coming at me, all at the same time well. Uh-uh – not well at all. You will see a very different side of me when this happens. I am a wreck, and I cause wreckages everywhere I go.
I like the fact when I flick a switch, it is sure to turn on and it actually works. Ooooh, I like it a little too much if I could flicker a switch and all these things would disappear as well!
Yes, and I really wish that I could do that same thing to people too. Ok, may be, just some people.
Sounds familiar?
We are all the same. We hate it when things go wrong and we hate it when our expectations are not met.
Expectations are a real silent killer, aren’t they? Silent on the outside, deadly noisy within.
Attachments are the worst of all.
I am still battling my deep attachment to my bed or just to wanting to sleep-in. It is a constant struggle albeit in smaller dosage these days. But it still creeps up on me, from time to time.
So, I should just breathe in and out and remind myself, LET IT GO.
Life happens, and this is all part of life.
Unless of course I seriously do not want to live anymore.
But that’s not an option any longer.
I have things to complete, and I started too darn late in life. So, I better bloody catch up and make up for all the lost time! And quit whining while I am at it!
WE DO NOT STOP BECAUSE THINGS ARE EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
WE DO NOT GIVE UP BECAUSE IT IS HARD AND CHAOTIC.
If we did, then we should stop living altogether. Stop earning a living, stop learning, stop everything.
So, shut up and get on with it, Shirley!
Super sonic speed mode – now activated.
Ok, now, where's my double shot expresso?
I find myself constantly tired and in need of sleep.
Also, I become forgetful when I am exhausted.
That is the nagging side effect of lack of sleep – fatigue and forgetfulness. What a bummer!
I can totally use an AVATAR of myself. Now we can appreciate and understand why the Buddhas emanate in many various forms too! Wish I could do that too.
It’s going to be almost a month I have been living without a maid. Yup, come 10th May, it will be exactly a month.
Oh yes, that is an achievement in itself.
Especially coming from someone who is totally so "un-accomplished" such as myself.
I guess, now is the time that I am seriously building-up my own resume.
Who would have thought that my life actually starts at 40?!
By the way, I had my very first Chinese lesson today.
Boy, the Chinese Tutor finally realises that she has her work cut out for her. Haha.
She says, “But you can speak fairly well.”
Err..that is because for the little that I know how to pronounce, I made sure that I have learnt to do them well. But if anyone speaks to me for more than 10 minutes in Chinese, they will soon discover what a fake I am.
Imagine, I am a fake Chinese. HAHA
So, we started our lessons in things that will interest me so that I will be very motivated to learn the words well.
And the tutor exclaimed, “Wow, you are so deep into spirituality and philosophy. This is the most unusual class I have taught.”
Little does she know, it is just the beginning of a very beautiful learning experience.
So, I look at what lies ahead of me – with the looming deadline of first week of July to begin filming in China. I swallowed hard and asked her if she could come twice a week. She said, yes.
Thank you, Buddha!
Anyhow, this is my DAY FORTY-SEVEN :-
Weight: 53kg
No. Of Prostrations: 70 (Now I am paying forward too)
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: zero time
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 119.
Quote from Page 119 for Day Forty-Seven:
“Accept that things have to go, accept that things have to change, accept that things have to degenerate, accept that all things DO NOT BELONG TO YOU eventually.”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
I know what you are thinking because it is the very same thing that I am thinking – easier said than done!
I have always hated changes – especially when things break down in my home, oh, that really drove me up the wall and I would end up driving myself and everyone else crazy too.
I also hated the fact that things do not last as well as they should – even people. Sigh, wish I could have a robotic maid. But I am sure even then, that robot can malfunction.
CHANGE is the order of life.
And change was something, is something that completely disrupted/disrupts mine.
When I turn on my air-con, I expect it to be emitting out cold air each and every time. I do not like it when it has leaks and what-have-you.
When I come back home, I expect to see that everything stayed the same way as I left it, not that the light bulb has burst or the fridge had totally gone bad and everything is melting away, creating a mini pool in the apartment.
I particularly hate it when I am always seemingly late these days, even when I try my best to wake up early or leave early. And I used to punctual as TAX DAY.
There is always something coming up and popping up at the very last minute! Oh, I really hate that. I can’t stand last minute stuff.
And to top the icing on this hate-list cake – I especially abhor and utterly detest when things do not stop happening and keep flowing into my already very filled-to-the-brim, spilling out IN-TRAY.
I do not handle a flood of things coming at me, all at the same time well. Uh-uh – not well at all. You will see a very different side of me when this happens. I am a wreck, and I cause wreckages everywhere I go.
I like the fact when I flick a switch, it is sure to turn on and it actually works. Ooooh, I like it a little too much if I could flicker a switch and all these things would disappear as well!
Yes, and I really wish that I could do that same thing to people too. Ok, may be, just some people.
Sounds familiar?
We are all the same. We hate it when things go wrong and we hate it when our expectations are not met.
Expectations are a real silent killer, aren’t they? Silent on the outside, deadly noisy within.
Attachments are the worst of all.
I am still battling my deep attachment to my bed or just to wanting to sleep-in. It is a constant struggle albeit in smaller dosage these days. But it still creeps up on me, from time to time.
So, I should just breathe in and out and remind myself, LET IT GO.
Life happens, and this is all part of life.
Unless of course I seriously do not want to live anymore.
But that’s not an option any longer.
I have things to complete, and I started too darn late in life. So, I better bloody catch up and make up for all the lost time! And quit whining while I am at it!
WE DO NOT STOP BECAUSE THINGS ARE EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
WE DO NOT GIVE UP BECAUSE IT IS HARD AND CHAOTIC.
If we did, then we should stop living altogether. Stop earning a living, stop learning, stop everything.
So, shut up and get on with it, Shirley!
Super sonic speed mode – now activated.
Ok, now, where's my double shot expresso?
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