Date: 27th December 2009
In the Sunday papers today -
They found a new born baby in a plastic bag in a LRT station. The LRT station is Kuala Lumpur's equivalent of the tube or subway station.
10 people killed by a dozing bus driver
2 private clinics linked to a syndicate selling babies
BUT THE MOST HORRIFIC STORY is -
The body of the girl found floating in a flood retention pond in Kampung Boyan, Jalan Semarak.
She was only nine years old and she was raped and murdered in the most brutal way. Her private parts were stuffed with 'various objects'. She makes case number 5.
Cases before her were Nurin Jazlin Jazimin, Nurul Huda Abdul Ghani, Sharlinie Mohd Nashar and Haserawati Saridi, have all been children who suffered the same fate.
The killer(s) are still at large.
How does one live long enough to deserve such a fate? Either as the victims or parents of the victims?
Is it really KARMA?
Is it the media or the society's fault in general?
Is it really so easy for one to mutate and become a monster in one lifetime?
As I write this, I am shaking with deep sadness.
Today it is someone else's child but tomorrow, it could very well be me or my own child.
There are monsters living amongst us, and inside of us.
All hiding behind the mask of humanity, normality and apathy.
The pain and suffering will not end until something is done.
And something seriously needs to be addressed and dealt with.
What becomes a monster is the very same thing as what makes a monster.
How far will we continue to watch in silence, and reside in numbness?
I say it again and again -
Peace, Harmony and Unity - within us or outside of us - is not someone else's job, task or responsibility.
It is not someone else's problems and they have to deal with it while we look away.
Peace, Harmony and Unity belong to all of us, each of us. It belongs to the world.
Hence, we all have a stake in it and we each hold our own responsibility in upholding it.
Now is the time to come together and stand together.
We have to be there for one another and NOT wait until the body count goes up.
This is NOT a numbers' game.
This is life and the future of our children.
What will become the real fate of our species called, the human race?
Monday, December 28, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Message to SELF: What Remains of the "Cause & Effect"....
Date: 22nd December 2009
Time: 58 minutes past midinight
Title of this entry: MESSAGE TO SELF
Purpose of this entry: To Remind and Slap Myself
Why: Because I am just getting too irritable and grouchy lately. And there should be no excuse.
This delightful play called
"CAUSE & EFFECT"
Which we have enabled
Through our various
Decisions, Speech and Actions Made
But we abhor
The results and consequences.
Do we suffer
Because of them?
Or allow others to suffer
Because of them?
Because of us?
How many of us
Have really pondered
Upon what we have actually
Said and done?
Do we even see ourselves
In the carnage or the wreckage?
From the very day
We learnt how to use words
And understood how to take action -
How have we used these 'talents'?
Did we use words
To cause further grief or promote joy?
Have our actions
Elicit positive or negative reactions
From those around us?
How many of us
Will really find the courage
To own up and take responsibility
For the various situations
That we have carved ourselves into?
Not to mention
Those we have caused others to fall into as well.
Perhaps it has become too easy
And convenient
To blame others
For everything that does not go our way
Perhaps it is less painful
To know that the real enemy
Lies within ourselves
And not outside.
Doubt not,
The cycle will not end
And it will most likely
REPEAT itself
Over and over again
How can anything change when we don't change?
If we want a different result, a better set of consequences - begin by first changing ourselves and not ask others to change their attitude towards us.
We must change our own attitude first and foremost. Here, I am alluding to the attitude of our mind.
As much as we have been the recipient, we have also been the perpetrator - antagonising others silently, viciously or even un-knowingly.
I know many people will protest and say, why must they do all the work and why must they be the ones to make the first move?
Well, for those who ask these types of questions and similar questions - I have only this to ask of them -
Do you want a better ending to your story?
Do you want a happier situation?
Would you like to see a solution rather than more problems arising?
Would you like a more positive response from others around?
If your answer is yes to any of the above, then what are you waiting for?
Do you think it is someone else's job to do all the above for you?
How much success have any of your old thinking and existing methods helped you in any way?
Have you not waited long enough for others to do what you deemed or thought as the right thing to do, but you just sat there and did nothing in return?
If you seriously believe in taking control of your own life, you will NEVER wait for someone else to do what is right. Most of all, you will not waste time in wanting or asking someone else to do YOUR job.
You will do it yourself and you will go all the way.
You will not stop because no one gives you a medal for trying your best.
You will not whine and cry because no one handed you a trophy for coming all this way.
You will not shout and scream because the results you seek are not materialising immediately or as fast as you expect them.
No - you will do what is right because it is the MOST BENEFICIAL thing to do for everyone, including yourself.
You will undertake it all because you believe you hold your own stake in peace, happiness and harmony.
If you truly want to contend yourself with just being the recepient and not an active participant in life, then please give up all control and stop complaining. Just take and accept what comes your way or not come. Because you have already surrendered all your rights to DO, to TAKE PART, to be INVOLVED and STEER your life.
To make a difference, first BECOME THE DIFFERENCE.
Until then, please just shut up and save your B.S for some new audience to fool.
And you know what they say about audience - we can only fool them once. Pretty soon, we'll also run out of new audience.
There, enough words for reminding - Can I slap you now, Shirley?
Time: 58 minutes past midinight
Title of this entry: MESSAGE TO SELF
Purpose of this entry: To Remind and Slap Myself
Why: Because I am just getting too irritable and grouchy lately. And there should be no excuse.
This delightful play called
"CAUSE & EFFECT"
Which we have enabled
Through our various
Decisions, Speech and Actions Made
But we abhor
The results and consequences.
Do we suffer
Because of them?
Or allow others to suffer
Because of them?
Because of us?
How many of us
Have really pondered
Upon what we have actually
Said and done?
Do we even see ourselves
In the carnage or the wreckage?
From the very day
We learnt how to use words
And understood how to take action -
How have we used these 'talents'?
Did we use words
To cause further grief or promote joy?
Have our actions
Elicit positive or negative reactions
From those around us?
How many of us
Will really find the courage
To own up and take responsibility
For the various situations
That we have carved ourselves into?
Not to mention
Those we have caused others to fall into as well.
Perhaps it has become too easy
And convenient
To blame others
For everything that does not go our way
Perhaps it is less painful
To know that the real enemy
Lies within ourselves
And not outside.
Doubt not,
The cycle will not end
And it will most likely
REPEAT itself
Over and over again
How can anything change when we don't change?
If we want a different result, a better set of consequences - begin by first changing ourselves and not ask others to change their attitude towards us.
We must change our own attitude first and foremost. Here, I am alluding to the attitude of our mind.
As much as we have been the recipient, we have also been the perpetrator - antagonising others silently, viciously or even un-knowingly.
I know many people will protest and say, why must they do all the work and why must they be the ones to make the first move?
Well, for those who ask these types of questions and similar questions - I have only this to ask of them -
Do you want a better ending to your story?
Do you want a happier situation?
Would you like to see a solution rather than more problems arising?
Would you like a more positive response from others around?
If your answer is yes to any of the above, then what are you waiting for?
Do you think it is someone else's job to do all the above for you?
How much success have any of your old thinking and existing methods helped you in any way?
Have you not waited long enough for others to do what you deemed or thought as the right thing to do, but you just sat there and did nothing in return?
If you seriously believe in taking control of your own life, you will NEVER wait for someone else to do what is right. Most of all, you will not waste time in wanting or asking someone else to do YOUR job.
You will do it yourself and you will go all the way.
You will not stop because no one gives you a medal for trying your best.
You will not whine and cry because no one handed you a trophy for coming all this way.
You will not shout and scream because the results you seek are not materialising immediately or as fast as you expect them.
No - you will do what is right because it is the MOST BENEFICIAL thing to do for everyone, including yourself.
You will undertake it all because you believe you hold your own stake in peace, happiness and harmony.
If you truly want to contend yourself with just being the recepient and not an active participant in life, then please give up all control and stop complaining. Just take and accept what comes your way or not come. Because you have already surrendered all your rights to DO, to TAKE PART, to be INVOLVED and STEER your life.
To make a difference, first BECOME THE DIFFERENCE.
Until then, please just shut up and save your B.S for some new audience to fool.
And you know what they say about audience - we can only fool them once. Pretty soon, we'll also run out of new audience.
There, enough words for reminding - Can I slap you now, Shirley?
Sunday, December 20, 2009
"THERE IS NO VACATION IN SAMSARA"
We take flights
To Places
Exotic and Far
We travel
Everywhere
Just to get away
Our desires and sensory pursuits
CONSUME
All of our senses
Like a tired old song
That refuses to end
We can run
But we can never hide
Because there is no escape
From an INFLICTED MIND
An unstable mind
Is the most dangerous weapon of all
It kills you slowly like a song
It drains you without drawing blood
Before you know it
You are a walking corpse
Feeding on those around you
Samsara is our worldly world
Samsara is what we have created
Samsara is our reality, our thoughts,
Our daily life
It haunts you when you close your eyes
It teases you when you are wide awake
This sums up our everyday struggle -
The manifestations of the mind's
Exquisite shadow play
How can there be a holiday in Samsara
When our mind is so "UNTAMED"?
The real wild beast is the one that dwells inside our heads.
Tame that beast and you will become the rightful MASTER of your own destiny.
Until then, it is all just another delusion.
Happiness, Peace
"IF NOT NOW, WHEN?"
Saturday, December 19, 2009
THE VOICE OF MY HEART - A Personal Christmas Message
Now this is the real problem – there is really nothing outstanding or worth shouting about. I am really the most “un-accomplished” person (if there is even such a word) in the world. Where people are so busy presenting their resumes and CVs, I am just at a point where I have only just begun.
I am really nothing special. Period.
No one expects anything to come from me.
Even I did not expect anything of value to come from myself.
I have studied in Singapore (Swiss Cottage Primary and Secondary School), Malaysia (Garden International School), London (Holborn College for ‘O’ and ‘A’ Levels) and USA.
Was studying for the undergraduate course of Marketing and Human Resource Management.
I have not graduated to this day, because I went ahead to open my club in Oklahoma City.
Yes, I used to own a dance club/bar.
Yes, I was that crazy.
I just wanted to put into practice what I have learnt in all these years and found the perfect opportunity to do so. I figured that I could always come back and finish my final course in order to graduate, if it was absolutely necessary.
Oh, to hell with justifying that club foray - let's cut the B.S - I just wanted to HAVE FUN, FUN, FUN.
No, I do not drink, smoke or do drugs.
I am already very highly strung and tightly wound as it is. With any more intoxicants of any sort - I'd be swinging on the chandeliers and scaling the walls like Spidey. We do not need another crazy looney on the loose.
I JUST LOVED TO DANCE. Yes, really, seriously.
I guess, this is when I was the spoilt rich brat. Because I always knew that I did not NEED a degree and the qualification is irrelevant when I was going to be absorbed into the family business eventually.
The Club gave me some measure of success and the freedom to buy everything that I did not need – a Porsche 968 convertible, a Range Rover, a Harley Davidson Fat Boy, a jet ski, etc.
Life was different back then.
Shirley was very different back then.
My claim to Fame: Obtained the liqour licence on my own for the club, got the Fire Department to award the maximum occupancy allowed for a club – 880 people, learnt how to sing, dance and spin due to the unpredictability of DJs and performers, learnt how to be a waitress, bartender and even a chef when staff failed to show up at work, had to clean up bathrooms when no one wanted to, and got famous bands like “No Doubt”, “Red Hot Chili Peppers” and “Planet of Soul” to perform at my club. Held the coolest Halloween Party ever in Oklahoma City!
Returned to Malaysia in Dec 1996. Back into the real world.
Hated being back and wanted to literally run away.
Worked for the United Overseas Bank (UOB) as a Management Trainee, then joined Siemens Corporate Communications and worked on their corporate sponsorship for the Commonwealth Games in 1998. That was a lot of fun. Got to do all the PR, Advertising and Promo campaign.
My claim to Fame - changed the way they advertise. We started the trend of having the public buses all painted with the Siemens Logo and Products plastered all over the public buses. It was the first ever in Malaysia at that time. This translated into trains, etc.
Then I was recruited into the family business. Started with the Shipping Company as the HR Director and revamped the entire corporate culture.
Became rather successful at it that I was later brought into the Palm Oil Plantation and Milling Company to embark on a 2 year complete re-engineering program of the whole organization.
Then I was brought into the family’s mixed urban development project named Pavilion. I was holding two positions: Director of Business Development and Director of Food & Beverage. My job was to create or acquire new food and beverage concepts into the mall, and cultivate a portfolio of special brands for the Pavilion brand. I travelled all over the world, meeting famous chefs, restaurantiers, hoteliers and etc for Pavilion. Would liase with owners of H&M, Indochine, Fashion Bar, Ministry of Sound, etc.
I was living the high life - the coveted jet setting lifestyle.
No, I still don't smoke, drink or do drugs.
I like to be FULLY AWARE when I am having fun, and experiencing life or other sensory pursuits, for that matter.
I guess, the living testament is in Pavilion winning the coveted Fiabci award as the best mall in the world, beating out Shanghai in June 2009.
So, I can actually go around saying that Malaysia has the best mall in the world now.
HAHAHA.
Got married in 1999, got divorced in 2001.
Lost my beloved paternal grandmother in 2003. She was the sun in our solar system.
Met my Tibetan Guru, H.E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche in 2004.
From there on, my perspective of life began to shift and my priorities began to change.
From November 2006 onwards, I started doing more social work.
Became the President of Kechara Soup Kitchen – distributing food to the homeless in the streets of Kuala Lumpur. Then gave up my role as my travel schedules became too hectic at Pavilion.
Yes, I should have listened to my Guru when HE said that I should have quit my post at the Pavilion. But I didn't and shame on me, because I had caused so many problems for various people in the process and even our Kechara Soup Kitchen suffered due to my lack of attention, commitment and complete lack of responsibility. I shall always remember this painful lesson. I never want to let anyone down again.
Now, Kechara Soup Kitchen is headed by a super-fabulous team, headed by Ms. Ruby Khong. To say the least, they kick-ass to help the homeless and those less unfortunate in the streets of Klang Valley, Malaysia. Please check them out at http://www.kskcommunity.org/.
Worked with various local and regionally NGOs, including the Malaysia’s Ministry of Women, Family and Community Development.
Defining moments: Visited a Kids’ Center in downtown Kuala Lumpur, and learnt horror stories of child pronography, child sex trade, etc. Boys and girls, as young as 7 and 8, had already been forced to “service” up tp 6 clients a night.
I was never the same after that visit.
Subsequently, I had more encounters with more NGOs and learnt of the many different harrowing plights of women and children in Asia.
They were enough to shatter my "old perceived" world, and previously held "ideals".
Decided in January 2008 to make that drastic change in my life.
Resigned from all my positions in all the family businesses and companies.
Started to conceptualise media programs with strong social relevance.
Wanted to create a media company that is built on social values and social relevance.
Hence, Life Teachers with Shirley Maya was created.
Hence, the birth of Revolver Asia.
From here on, my life is VERY different.
For one, it is lived out with purpose.
And I truly have to thank my Guru for every single thing.
HE never abandoned me, even when I have abandoned myself many times over.
HE saw the best of me, when I saw the worst of myself.
HE said media is perfect for me. So, if you can imagine an "anti-social with a deep attachment to her bed" doing media work, this is how she looks like! Hahaha.
What can I say, my Guru is uber-cool. I can finally appreciate why media is good for me.
With HIS guidance and help, I know I am on my way. And I am no longer afraid.
For the longest time, I could not understand or even imagine why my Guru loves HIS OWN ROOT GURU SO MUCH and SO DEEPLY. My Guru's Root Guru is H.H. Zong Rinpoche.
To this day, my Guru tells us openly that he misses his Zong Rinpoche, because Zong Rinpoche taught HIM everything.
That bond and love that THEY both shared runs deeper than anything that I could ever fathom.
I have not witnessed anything like it and often wondered what it is all about.
After 5 years of being a student of H.E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche, only now I am beginning to catch a glimpse of it.
Our Gurus are truly our beginning and our end.
(If you would like to understand more, please go into http://www.tsemtulku.com/ and read about what every student has written on their own experiences with Rinpoche. My story is also there.)
I have met so many amazing individuals in so many different countries. Especially my dearest brothers, sisters and partners in the Philippines, Thailand and Malaysia itself.
It would not have been possible if I did not start this media journey. And I cannot imagine how much of life I would have completely missed out if I had not.
I would not have met Mr. Tony Meloto and be so warmly welcomed into his family. He is the founder of the NGO: GAWAD KALINGA in the Philippines. They have evolved from a social youth program to a nation building program. He and his legions of volunteers are heroes of humanity and the shining examples of love without borders. Please check them out at http://www.gk1world.com/
I cannot imagine missing out on the Melotos in this life. What a great loss it would have been for me if I had remained in my old gilded cage.
This has been the most meaningful journey. One which I could never have walked on my own, or even started. Therefore, I can honestly say that my work is my life, my life is my work. There is no boring moment ever.
I guess, words are cheap and meaningless at this stage when so much has been uttered and promised.
So, let us all witness the results as they arise.
Let these results speak volumes for me, for us and what we have set out to do with Revolver Asia. Affectionately known to friends as RevAsia. (http://www.revolverasia.com/).
The honour and glory will always lie with the people in my life and those whom I have come across. In their own unique way, they have nurtured me and brought out a whole new being in me. From my Guru, to my daughter, to my parents, sisters, relatives and dearest friends.
Every fibre in my being is a testament of their greatness, their kindness and grace. Truly, deeply and absolutely.
For this and more, I shall always, ALWAYS value PEOPLE first and foremost.
It has been a real priviledge, an honour and a deep profound gratification beyond words.
Thank you for allowing me inside your world and your private space.
Thank you for all the valuable lessons and meaningful sharing.
When my time on earth comes to an end in this life, I will joyfully smile and relfect upon how I have been so blessed to witness the glorious beauty of life and the triumphant human spirit in every sense of the word.
It is for the love of this human race that I wrote this poem and dedicate to all of you.
A Blessed Christmas to each and every one. And to all, a most fulfilling NEW YEAR!
VOICE OF MY HEART
I am the lyre
That sings all the melodies
For every child,
There’s a sweet lullaby
For every lover,
There are songs of ecstasy
For every loss,
There are painful tunes.
I kiss each hand
I nurse each wound
I embrace one and all
Close to my breast
In the name of Love.
I am the keeper
Of memories old and lost
When no one even cares
To remember anymore
I’ll continue to sing
Those forgotten rhymes
So that every legacy
Can be honoured
And remembered.
I am the earth
That holds all life
In its purity and beauty
Nourishing
Every young bud
Until they all bloom
To hold their own grace.
I provide the common ground
For all to stand strong and tall
And remind each one
How to hold hands
And be united
In our hearts and mind.
As we celebrate our differences
We must cherish our innate values
So we can all be reminded
Where we each came from
And learn to respect one another.
I’d give my heart away
If it saves another,
I’d give up my life
If it feeds a dying baby,
Because this is the way
I was taught to love
By my GURU.
I bear the scars
For those I have loved
I cry the tears
For those who have lost love
Beyond yesterday and tomorrow
Lies here and now.
I will not do what I want
But what others need
Because this is the way
My GURU has taught me
How to LIVE.
And when my strings
Are old and weary
I’ll slip quietly into the dark
Careful not to disturb
The music of the youth
And resign myself
To the sounds of silence.
Who am I,
What am I,
And whom do I live for?
I, myself, don’t quite understand
But as a woman
I’ve moved from being a daughter,
To a wife, and to a mother,
And I’ve learnt that even in death
Our work is never done
Because a woman’s love
Surpasses time and space.
Your humble servant,
Shirley Maya
I am really nothing special. Period.
No one expects anything to come from me.
Even I did not expect anything of value to come from myself.
I have studied in Singapore (Swiss Cottage Primary and Secondary School), Malaysia (Garden International School), London (Holborn College for ‘O’ and ‘A’ Levels) and USA.
Was studying for the undergraduate course of Marketing and Human Resource Management.
I have not graduated to this day, because I went ahead to open my club in Oklahoma City.
Yes, I used to own a dance club/bar.
Yes, I was that crazy.
I just wanted to put into practice what I have learnt in all these years and found the perfect opportunity to do so. I figured that I could always come back and finish my final course in order to graduate, if it was absolutely necessary.
Oh, to hell with justifying that club foray - let's cut the B.S - I just wanted to HAVE FUN, FUN, FUN.
No, I do not drink, smoke or do drugs.
I am already very highly strung and tightly wound as it is. With any more intoxicants of any sort - I'd be swinging on the chandeliers and scaling the walls like Spidey. We do not need another crazy looney on the loose.
I JUST LOVED TO DANCE. Yes, really, seriously.
I guess, this is when I was the spoilt rich brat. Because I always knew that I did not NEED a degree and the qualification is irrelevant when I was going to be absorbed into the family business eventually.
The Club gave me some measure of success and the freedom to buy everything that I did not need – a Porsche 968 convertible, a Range Rover, a Harley Davidson Fat Boy, a jet ski, etc.
Life was different back then.
Shirley was very different back then.
My claim to Fame: Obtained the liqour licence on my own for the club, got the Fire Department to award the maximum occupancy allowed for a club – 880 people, learnt how to sing, dance and spin due to the unpredictability of DJs and performers, learnt how to be a waitress, bartender and even a chef when staff failed to show up at work, had to clean up bathrooms when no one wanted to, and got famous bands like “No Doubt”, “Red Hot Chili Peppers” and “Planet of Soul” to perform at my club. Held the coolest Halloween Party ever in Oklahoma City!
Returned to Malaysia in Dec 1996. Back into the real world.
Hated being back and wanted to literally run away.
Worked for the United Overseas Bank (UOB) as a Management Trainee, then joined Siemens Corporate Communications and worked on their corporate sponsorship for the Commonwealth Games in 1998. That was a lot of fun. Got to do all the PR, Advertising and Promo campaign.
My claim to Fame - changed the way they advertise. We started the trend of having the public buses all painted with the Siemens Logo and Products plastered all over the public buses. It was the first ever in Malaysia at that time. This translated into trains, etc.
Then I was recruited into the family business. Started with the Shipping Company as the HR Director and revamped the entire corporate culture.
Became rather successful at it that I was later brought into the Palm Oil Plantation and Milling Company to embark on a 2 year complete re-engineering program of the whole organization.
Then I was brought into the family’s mixed urban development project named Pavilion. I was holding two positions: Director of Business Development and Director of Food & Beverage. My job was to create or acquire new food and beverage concepts into the mall, and cultivate a portfolio of special brands for the Pavilion brand. I travelled all over the world, meeting famous chefs, restaurantiers, hoteliers and etc for Pavilion. Would liase with owners of H&M, Indochine, Fashion Bar, Ministry of Sound, etc.
I was living the high life - the coveted jet setting lifestyle.
No, I still don't smoke, drink or do drugs.
I like to be FULLY AWARE when I am having fun, and experiencing life or other sensory pursuits, for that matter.
I guess, the living testament is in Pavilion winning the coveted Fiabci award as the best mall in the world, beating out Shanghai in June 2009.
So, I can actually go around saying that Malaysia has the best mall in the world now.
HAHAHA.
Got married in 1999, got divorced in 2001.
Lost my beloved paternal grandmother in 2003. She was the sun in our solar system.
Met my Tibetan Guru, H.E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche in 2004.
From there on, my perspective of life began to shift and my priorities began to change.
From November 2006 onwards, I started doing more social work.
Became the President of Kechara Soup Kitchen – distributing food to the homeless in the streets of Kuala Lumpur. Then gave up my role as my travel schedules became too hectic at Pavilion.
Yes, I should have listened to my Guru when HE said that I should have quit my post at the Pavilion. But I didn't and shame on me, because I had caused so many problems for various people in the process and even our Kechara Soup Kitchen suffered due to my lack of attention, commitment and complete lack of responsibility. I shall always remember this painful lesson. I never want to let anyone down again.
Now, Kechara Soup Kitchen is headed by a super-fabulous team, headed by Ms. Ruby Khong. To say the least, they kick-ass to help the homeless and those less unfortunate in the streets of Klang Valley, Malaysia. Please check them out at http://www.kskcommunity.org/.
Worked with various local and regionally NGOs, including the Malaysia’s Ministry of Women, Family and Community Development.
Defining moments: Visited a Kids’ Center in downtown Kuala Lumpur, and learnt horror stories of child pronography, child sex trade, etc. Boys and girls, as young as 7 and 8, had already been forced to “service” up tp 6 clients a night.
I was never the same after that visit.
Subsequently, I had more encounters with more NGOs and learnt of the many different harrowing plights of women and children in Asia.
They were enough to shatter my "old perceived" world, and previously held "ideals".
Decided in January 2008 to make that drastic change in my life.
Resigned from all my positions in all the family businesses and companies.
Started to conceptualise media programs with strong social relevance.
Wanted to create a media company that is built on social values and social relevance.
Hence, Life Teachers with Shirley Maya was created.
Hence, the birth of Revolver Asia.
From here on, my life is VERY different.
For one, it is lived out with purpose.
And I truly have to thank my Guru for every single thing.
HE never abandoned me, even when I have abandoned myself many times over.
HE saw the best of me, when I saw the worst of myself.
HE said media is perfect for me. So, if you can imagine an "anti-social with a deep attachment to her bed" doing media work, this is how she looks like! Hahaha.
What can I say, my Guru is uber-cool. I can finally appreciate why media is good for me.
With HIS guidance and help, I know I am on my way. And I am no longer afraid.
For the longest time, I could not understand or even imagine why my Guru loves HIS OWN ROOT GURU SO MUCH and SO DEEPLY. My Guru's Root Guru is H.H. Zong Rinpoche.
To this day, my Guru tells us openly that he misses his Zong Rinpoche, because Zong Rinpoche taught HIM everything.
That bond and love that THEY both shared runs deeper than anything that I could ever fathom.
I have not witnessed anything like it and often wondered what it is all about.
After 5 years of being a student of H.E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche, only now I am beginning to catch a glimpse of it.
Our Gurus are truly our beginning and our end.
(If you would like to understand more, please go into http://www.tsemtulku.com/ and read about what every student has written on their own experiences with Rinpoche. My story is also there.)
I have met so many amazing individuals in so many different countries. Especially my dearest brothers, sisters and partners in the Philippines, Thailand and Malaysia itself.
It would not have been possible if I did not start this media journey. And I cannot imagine how much of life I would have completely missed out if I had not.
I would not have met Mr. Tony Meloto and be so warmly welcomed into his family. He is the founder of the NGO: GAWAD KALINGA in the Philippines. They have evolved from a social youth program to a nation building program. He and his legions of volunteers are heroes of humanity and the shining examples of love without borders. Please check them out at http://www.gk1world.com/
I cannot imagine missing out on the Melotos in this life. What a great loss it would have been for me if I had remained in my old gilded cage.
This has been the most meaningful journey. One which I could never have walked on my own, or even started. Therefore, I can honestly say that my work is my life, my life is my work. There is no boring moment ever.
I guess, words are cheap and meaningless at this stage when so much has been uttered and promised.
So, let us all witness the results as they arise.
Let these results speak volumes for me, for us and what we have set out to do with Revolver Asia. Affectionately known to friends as RevAsia. (http://www.revolverasia.com/).
The honour and glory will always lie with the people in my life and those whom I have come across. In their own unique way, they have nurtured me and brought out a whole new being in me. From my Guru, to my daughter, to my parents, sisters, relatives and dearest friends.
Every fibre in my being is a testament of their greatness, their kindness and grace. Truly, deeply and absolutely.
For this and more, I shall always, ALWAYS value PEOPLE first and foremost.
It has been a real priviledge, an honour and a deep profound gratification beyond words.
Thank you for allowing me inside your world and your private space.
Thank you for all the valuable lessons and meaningful sharing.
When my time on earth comes to an end in this life, I will joyfully smile and relfect upon how I have been so blessed to witness the glorious beauty of life and the triumphant human spirit in every sense of the word.
It is for the love of this human race that I wrote this poem and dedicate to all of you.
A Blessed Christmas to each and every one. And to all, a most fulfilling NEW YEAR!
VOICE OF MY HEART
I am the lyre
That sings all the melodies
For every child,
There’s a sweet lullaby
For every lover,
There are songs of ecstasy
For every loss,
There are painful tunes.
I kiss each hand
I nurse each wound
I embrace one and all
Close to my breast
In the name of Love.
I am the keeper
Of memories old and lost
When no one even cares
To remember anymore
I’ll continue to sing
Those forgotten rhymes
So that every legacy
Can be honoured
And remembered.
I am the earth
That holds all life
In its purity and beauty
Nourishing
Every young bud
Until they all bloom
To hold their own grace.
I provide the common ground
For all to stand strong and tall
And remind each one
How to hold hands
And be united
In our hearts and mind.
As we celebrate our differences
We must cherish our innate values
So we can all be reminded
Where we each came from
And learn to respect one another.
I’d give my heart away
If it saves another,
I’d give up my life
If it feeds a dying baby,
Because this is the way
I was taught to love
By my GURU.
I bear the scars
For those I have loved
I cry the tears
For those who have lost love
Beyond yesterday and tomorrow
Lies here and now.
I will not do what I want
But what others need
Because this is the way
My GURU has taught me
How to LIVE.
And when my strings
Are old and weary
I’ll slip quietly into the dark
Careful not to disturb
The music of the youth
And resign myself
To the sounds of silence.
Who am I,
What am I,
And whom do I live for?
I, myself, don’t quite understand
But as a woman
I’ve moved from being a daughter,
To a wife, and to a mother,
And I’ve learnt that even in death
Our work is never done
Because a woman’s love
Surpasses time and space.
Your humble servant,
Shirley Maya
Friday, December 18, 2009
Homage to the Adamantine Garnet Goddess: VY
Here begins my love affair with the most beautiful but ferocious uber VAMP...
She walks in flames of ruby red fire,
Like the sun bursting in volcanic lava,
Her orange vermillion hair
Drapes her luscious neck,
Like the consummation of passion & desire.
Her eyes emit lightning darts
Crushing your ego,
Her lips part just enough
To swallow your ignorance whole,
The more you yearn
The deeper she'll burn
Luring you with raging sensuous heat
Into her silky satin web,
As your mind becomes her lair of games.
SHE'll have you crawling on your knees
SHE'll have you begging PLEASE!
SHE'll have you stripped, whipped and bared
BECAUSE
SHE stands as the epitomy
Of seductive compassion in action,
Masking salvation
In latex and garters,
Peeling away all lies and fears,
Leaving no one behind.
Begin your own love affair with this red hot babe today.
Would you dare?
Naked and conquered,
Yours,
Shirley Maya
She walks in flames of ruby red fire,
Like the sun bursting in volcanic lava,
Her orange vermillion hair
Drapes her luscious neck,
Like the consummation of passion & desire.
Her eyes emit lightning darts
Crushing your ego,
Her lips part just enough
To swallow your ignorance whole,
The more you yearn
The deeper she'll burn
Luring you with raging sensuous heat
Into her silky satin web,
As your mind becomes her lair of games.
SHE'll have you crawling on your knees
SHE'll have you begging PLEASE!
SHE'll have you stripped, whipped and bared
BECAUSE
SHE stands as the epitomy
Of seductive compassion in action,
Masking salvation
In latex and garters,
Peeling away all lies and fears,
Leaving no one behind.
Begin your own love affair with this red hot babe today.
Would you dare?
Naked and conquered,
Yours,
Shirley Maya
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
The Theory of the Real Man???
A friend recently explained this theory of the real man to me. I don't know about the rest of you, but frankly, this is the first I have heard of it.
A real man apparently does what most men fail to do - on top of that list is, being responsible. My friend, let's call him Manley, shall we - Well, Manley reckons that most men these days have no real clue as to what responsibility truly means, and most women nag more than they think they do.
But Manley believes that if men were really responsible, then women wouldn't have to nag at all. In fact, Manley implies that women take over most tasks and are becoming more self-reliant because the men fail at their end. So, if men are doing such a great job, women wouldn't have to do anything at all! She just sits pretty and have her man pamper her from head to toe all day.
I don't know if this is what Manley is suggesting in truth, but what he has said many times over is that he wouldn't want to bother his woman with all the decision making. He would like to do it all for her. She shouldn't have to be troubled in the least. Sounds chauvanistic may be? Well, may be he is just old school or perhaps, he is the last living relic of the 'real man'?
Then again, Manley is in his early forties and still single. He claims that he has a real sense of what responsibility means and until he is sure that he can keep up his end for his woman, he will remain single. However at the same time, that doesn't mean that he can't have casual relationships and dates. But that's another story altogether.
Contradictory? Perhaps...but life and love is all about contradictions.
Think about it for a minute. Seriously.
Women want men who would adore them, pamper them and open doors for them, take out the garbage when he can obviously see it is over-flowing and not ram more rubbish into it, help to clean up the dishes without being asked, better yet, help clean the whole entire house without her having to ask him to, compliment on her new hairstyle, or shoes, and especially give her a real opinion when she asks which outfit looks better on her? Therefore, women do want a little bit of that chauvanism, but without being dominated or patronized by her man. Because at the end of the day, a woman would like to believe that the man loves her for the beauty of her mind and soul.
Men, on the other hand, are such visual creatures. ( And I do say this with great affection. ) They must really 'dig' what they see. If they don't 'dig' what they see, it's all over. Well, it wouldn't start to begin with. Now, that is not to say that some men can't transcend beyond a woman's looks and fall in love with their personality. But it is far and rare.
Personally, I don't think it is a man's job to make a woman happy or to complete her so-called 'wish-list' or to fill in all her blanks. It is not a man's job to compensate all that's missing in her life, it isn't his responsibility to provide a secure and comfortable environment for her either. Just in the same way that I don't think that it is a woman's job to serve a man, to please him and to agree with everything he says/thinks. It is not her job to fulfill all his fantasies, especially those involving threesome. ( HAHAHA. Couldn't resist inserting that in. )
This is what I seriously think -
When a man or woman have a set of ideas of what should and shouldn't be, they are already setting up parameters and expectations of each other's roles in a relationship. And when those ideas and beliefs are especially rigid, problems ensue. Because more than likely, we will fall short of each other's expectations - especially so in relationships when there is intense lack of communication and maturity.
Expectations is the real silent killer of most relationships.
Do you know what's the other fatal disease in relationships?
It's taking each other for granted. When you have certain expectations, more often that not, you would start to take things for granted. These two elements come hand in hand.
You will notice that of all your personal experiences in life or love, those which you had no expectations of, will usually yield the most joy and pleasure. Because you hadn't expect anything out of it, or from that individual, and you appreciate it so much more. From having no expectations alone, you don't take it for granted. In fact, you actually become grateful and thankful. And you can or will actually express it - be it subconsciously or consciously.
It is always such a warm and wonderful feeling to be appreciated, to be thanked and to be recognised or remembered for the things we have done or said. It is innately in us. Perhaps, this is the very thing that makes us human.
At the highest level, I do agree with my friend, Manley, that responsibility does play a big part in all relationships - be it between families, friends, husbands and wives, or lovers and etc. But beyond the concept of responsibility, it is, in essence, a promise between two individuals. A promise not to lie, cheat, or be unfaithful. The promise to hold and keep, beyond thick or thin, in sickness or in health, through richer or poorer and so forth.
Now, before you roll your eyes and say, come on, Shirley Maya, this kind of promise only extends to marriage vows. Does it really? Now, think about it deeply and ask yourself these questions:-
Do you want your best friend to lie and cheat on you?
Would you want your brother or sister to abandon you when you are sick or poor?
Do you want anyone you care about or know, to be unfaithful to you? Here, unfaithful does not just mean having adulterous sex and all that phsyical intimacy. As long as the faith you have in a person has been broken and damaged, that is being unfaithful. Because that person is no longer being truthful to you in whatever way or form.
I dare say that all of you would not want your friends, families and people whom you care about to do all those things to you. So, therefore, these are not confined to just marriage vows. These are implied vows and standard promises we make to people we care about, eventhough we may not have expressed them verbally or intently or solemnly at all. Truth is, who in the world has ever entered into any friendship or relationship with the intent to want to cheat or lie, or be unfaithful to one another? And who has ever started any relationship or friendship with anyone, with expecting that their friend or partner would commit all the above wrongdoings to them? The answer is simple, no one.
Thus, this is what I mean, when I say, at the highest level it is all about responsibility and a commitment to up-holding that promise made.
All of us have responsibilities of sorts - ranging from our parents, children, siblings, friends, wives, husbands, to lovers, colleagues and so forth. They are the very things that sum up our lives. So, if we are serious about caring for the people we care about, and loving the people we claim to love, being responsible would come naturally.
Granted, we may not always do it so well, but we do hold some parts well enough. Otherwise, we wouldn't have any friends or any family members who would want to be with us, or who want to come near us at all.
To be honest, responsibility and commitment have been two very issues I have been severely adverse to. ( You can ask Sharon and Terence for validation. ) I've grappled with them all my life simply because I've misunderstood what they truly mean.
I've always thought them to be limitations and a real hindrance to my freedom and independence. Because I was one person who valued my independence and freedom more than I valued life itself.
In my deep attachment to my false sense of independence and freedom, I never wanted to be tied down to anything or anyone. So, yes, everyone and everything were disposable and replaceable. As you can imagine, I was never sentimental - to the point that I could easily up-root and leave anyone or anything without much thought.
In my personal assessment, I believe my fear of responsibility or commitment hid a more selfish desire. It is not so much of freedom or independence which I craved. Those were just disguises for something else entirely.
What I truly wanted was to be showered with attention and affection all the time, but I didn't and couldn't give back the very same things I yearned for. Yes, I enjoyed being pampered and adored. I relished being someone special or the center of the universe to a man, or a few men for that matter. But I didn't like the responsibility and commitment that came with being given that status in someone's life.
You could very well say that I did the taking and receiving very gladly. In fact, I could make a real career out of the taking and receiving part. But I couldn't and wouldn't give in the very real sense, or at the very highest level.
I remembered when I was in primary six, I had a little pink book which had all the names of all the boys who liked me, or who had a crush on me. And I would write down what they each could do for me - be it helping me with my Maths homework which was my most hated subject in school, or doing my Science homework, which my second most hated subject. ( You get the picture, I am sure ).
At one time, I think I had over 30 names in my little pink book and it made me feel truly triumphant in the most egoistical way. Well, I was much cuter when I was 13. ( I know it's kind of hard to imagine me being that cute now. Well, time is what ravages and it does that so well. Coupled with the inevitable powers of karma.)
And as I grew older, I perfected my so-called 'art' of removing responsibility and commitment from my every being. I never had any real boyfriends or relationships. And for those who were brave enough, or even foolish to want to ask for more than just my friendship, I'd give them my favourite 'blanket cover' line :-
"If you want to be with me, these are the things you must be prepared to accept. I get bored with people and things very easily. I have many male buddies whom I like a lot, and would spend a lot of time with. I have no intention of settling down. And don't for one minute think that you would be the one who can change me, or influence my mind. So, if you are ok with all that, you can have my number. Otherwise, it ends here and now."
Of course, at the end of the day, someone would always want more and yes, I'd fail to give them more than what they desired, but I could always say to their faces that I had told them so, and that I had even pre-warned them. But that doesn't change the fact that I still had broken quite a few hearts and wounded a lot of people's feelings in the process. At that time, I thought I was being as honest and open as I could have been. But the fact remained, I was the cause of many people's unhappiness.
No, I am not proud of the things I have said and done. And yes, I thought I was being very clever to have devised all the ways and means to escape responsibility and commitment like they were some death knell. In truth, I was not a nice person in every sense of the word. I wasn't even a good friend to anyone. I was completely incapable of thinking of anyone else's feelings or needs, other than my own.
Now, it has been almost 8 years and counting, since I was last attached with a man. And no, I haven't removed myself entirely because I was afraid of getting myself hurt. It was namely to stop myself from hurting someone else.
In these eight years, I have learnt much more than I ever did in the last 40 years of my entire life. And I thank the kindness of so many people for that. For this small measure of mercy and blessing in my silly life, I am compelled to share my story with you all today. Because I don't believe in hiding anymore or any longer for that matter. And I certainly don't think that we should continue to carry any more fallacies onto the rest of our lives. We have all come to this stage of our lives, wasted enough time going after the things we thought were important, and chasing after people whom we thought could make us happy - how much have all of that done us any real good? How much of time have we truly wasted on these pursuits or telling ourselves we would go on waiting for something good to happen, or 'the one' to come along?
The question we should be asking ourselves is, are we ready?
And if we keep thinking we are not ready, and we rather choose to sit out and wait on the side-lines, how would we ever know when we are ready?
How can we ever know what we are made of, and how much we can do by removing ourselves entirely from the whole equation of life and love?
By refusing to play at all, we will definitely not have a chance to find out, let alone, know the truth.
And so, how do we know when we do play, we will do it well?
Truth is, we will never know until we try. And sometimes, it is by the very virtue of certain situations and challenges taking place that we come to know what we are made of.
We do not become better people, better lovers, better anything or anyone by not living out our lives in full. We become better in all aspects by immersing ourselves into life and love. That is why they say, heros are not born. They are made.
So, for my friend, Manley, I have only this to say - you will always have to console yourself by saying, 'I am not happy, but I am not unhappy.' But by deciding to take a leap of faith, you might just be able to turn it around and finally say, 'I am not unhappy, but darn happy!'
When we truly care about someone, we would naturally want to be responsible and committed to them, because their happiness and peace of mind become paramount to us. Just in the very same way that our happiness and peace of mind are important to those who love us.
We wouldn't feel that we'd be losing our freedom or independence in any sense. In fact, we would understand how much we are all inter-related and inter-dependent in the first place. And we wouldn't feel trapped or suffocated at all. In fact, we would finally get the taste of what it means to truly be free - free of false expectations, free of inhibitions and false pride and ego, etc. More than anything else, our lives would become so much more enriched just because they are in our world.
I was the PHD holder of 'I AM NOT READY'. I held the Masters of 'NOT WANTING TO LOVE OR BE LOVED'. I was the graduate of 'THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SOUL MATE'.
I was all the above because my heart was closed and I refused to allow myself to see, feel and believe.
It would be such a shame to live out the very little time that I have left on earth in the same manner. Don't you think so?
After all, I think I have wasted enough time proving that they don't exist when I was clearly proven wrong.
So, what does the theory of the real man means to me - simply this, the real man is someone who isn't afraid to love with all his heart and soul. And the real woman is someone who can be loved in every sense of the word.
p/s as to why am I still single? Well, that's another story altogether.
A real man apparently does what most men fail to do - on top of that list is, being responsible. My friend, let's call him Manley, shall we - Well, Manley reckons that most men these days have no real clue as to what responsibility truly means, and most women nag more than they think they do.
But Manley believes that if men were really responsible, then women wouldn't have to nag at all. In fact, Manley implies that women take over most tasks and are becoming more self-reliant because the men fail at their end. So, if men are doing such a great job, women wouldn't have to do anything at all! She just sits pretty and have her man pamper her from head to toe all day.
I don't know if this is what Manley is suggesting in truth, but what he has said many times over is that he wouldn't want to bother his woman with all the decision making. He would like to do it all for her. She shouldn't have to be troubled in the least. Sounds chauvanistic may be? Well, may be he is just old school or perhaps, he is the last living relic of the 'real man'?
Then again, Manley is in his early forties and still single. He claims that he has a real sense of what responsibility means and until he is sure that he can keep up his end for his woman, he will remain single. However at the same time, that doesn't mean that he can't have casual relationships and dates. But that's another story altogether.
Contradictory? Perhaps...but life and love is all about contradictions.
Think about it for a minute. Seriously.
Women want men who would adore them, pamper them and open doors for them, take out the garbage when he can obviously see it is over-flowing and not ram more rubbish into it, help to clean up the dishes without being asked, better yet, help clean the whole entire house without her having to ask him to, compliment on her new hairstyle, or shoes, and especially give her a real opinion when she asks which outfit looks better on her? Therefore, women do want a little bit of that chauvanism, but without being dominated or patronized by her man. Because at the end of the day, a woman would like to believe that the man loves her for the beauty of her mind and soul.
Men, on the other hand, are such visual creatures. ( And I do say this with great affection. ) They must really 'dig' what they see. If they don't 'dig' what they see, it's all over. Well, it wouldn't start to begin with. Now, that is not to say that some men can't transcend beyond a woman's looks and fall in love with their personality. But it is far and rare.
Personally, I don't think it is a man's job to make a woman happy or to complete her so-called 'wish-list' or to fill in all her blanks. It is not a man's job to compensate all that's missing in her life, it isn't his responsibility to provide a secure and comfortable environment for her either. Just in the same way that I don't think that it is a woman's job to serve a man, to please him and to agree with everything he says/thinks. It is not her job to fulfill all his fantasies, especially those involving threesome. ( HAHAHA. Couldn't resist inserting that in. )
This is what I seriously think -
When a man or woman have a set of ideas of what should and shouldn't be, they are already setting up parameters and expectations of each other's roles in a relationship. And when those ideas and beliefs are especially rigid, problems ensue. Because more than likely, we will fall short of each other's expectations - especially so in relationships when there is intense lack of communication and maturity.
Expectations is the real silent killer of most relationships.
Do you know what's the other fatal disease in relationships?
It's taking each other for granted. When you have certain expectations, more often that not, you would start to take things for granted. These two elements come hand in hand.
You will notice that of all your personal experiences in life or love, those which you had no expectations of, will usually yield the most joy and pleasure. Because you hadn't expect anything out of it, or from that individual, and you appreciate it so much more. From having no expectations alone, you don't take it for granted. In fact, you actually become grateful and thankful. And you can or will actually express it - be it subconsciously or consciously.
It is always such a warm and wonderful feeling to be appreciated, to be thanked and to be recognised or remembered for the things we have done or said. It is innately in us. Perhaps, this is the very thing that makes us human.
At the highest level, I do agree with my friend, Manley, that responsibility does play a big part in all relationships - be it between families, friends, husbands and wives, or lovers and etc. But beyond the concept of responsibility, it is, in essence, a promise between two individuals. A promise not to lie, cheat, or be unfaithful. The promise to hold and keep, beyond thick or thin, in sickness or in health, through richer or poorer and so forth.
Now, before you roll your eyes and say, come on, Shirley Maya, this kind of promise only extends to marriage vows. Does it really? Now, think about it deeply and ask yourself these questions:-
Do you want your best friend to lie and cheat on you?
Would you want your brother or sister to abandon you when you are sick or poor?
Do you want anyone you care about or know, to be unfaithful to you? Here, unfaithful does not just mean having adulterous sex and all that phsyical intimacy. As long as the faith you have in a person has been broken and damaged, that is being unfaithful. Because that person is no longer being truthful to you in whatever way or form.
I dare say that all of you would not want your friends, families and people whom you care about to do all those things to you. So, therefore, these are not confined to just marriage vows. These are implied vows and standard promises we make to people we care about, eventhough we may not have expressed them verbally or intently or solemnly at all. Truth is, who in the world has ever entered into any friendship or relationship with the intent to want to cheat or lie, or be unfaithful to one another? And who has ever started any relationship or friendship with anyone, with expecting that their friend or partner would commit all the above wrongdoings to them? The answer is simple, no one.
Thus, this is what I mean, when I say, at the highest level it is all about responsibility and a commitment to up-holding that promise made.
All of us have responsibilities of sorts - ranging from our parents, children, siblings, friends, wives, husbands, to lovers, colleagues and so forth. They are the very things that sum up our lives. So, if we are serious about caring for the people we care about, and loving the people we claim to love, being responsible would come naturally.
Granted, we may not always do it so well, but we do hold some parts well enough. Otherwise, we wouldn't have any friends or any family members who would want to be with us, or who want to come near us at all.
To be honest, responsibility and commitment have been two very issues I have been severely adverse to. ( You can ask Sharon and Terence for validation. ) I've grappled with them all my life simply because I've misunderstood what they truly mean.
I've always thought them to be limitations and a real hindrance to my freedom and independence. Because I was one person who valued my independence and freedom more than I valued life itself.
In my deep attachment to my false sense of independence and freedom, I never wanted to be tied down to anything or anyone. So, yes, everyone and everything were disposable and replaceable. As you can imagine, I was never sentimental - to the point that I could easily up-root and leave anyone or anything without much thought.
In my personal assessment, I believe my fear of responsibility or commitment hid a more selfish desire. It is not so much of freedom or independence which I craved. Those were just disguises for something else entirely.
What I truly wanted was to be showered with attention and affection all the time, but I didn't and couldn't give back the very same things I yearned for. Yes, I enjoyed being pampered and adored. I relished being someone special or the center of the universe to a man, or a few men for that matter. But I didn't like the responsibility and commitment that came with being given that status in someone's life.
You could very well say that I did the taking and receiving very gladly. In fact, I could make a real career out of the taking and receiving part. But I couldn't and wouldn't give in the very real sense, or at the very highest level.
I remembered when I was in primary six, I had a little pink book which had all the names of all the boys who liked me, or who had a crush on me. And I would write down what they each could do for me - be it helping me with my Maths homework which was my most hated subject in school, or doing my Science homework, which my second most hated subject. ( You get the picture, I am sure ).
At one time, I think I had over 30 names in my little pink book and it made me feel truly triumphant in the most egoistical way. Well, I was much cuter when I was 13. ( I know it's kind of hard to imagine me being that cute now. Well, time is what ravages and it does that so well. Coupled with the inevitable powers of karma.)
And as I grew older, I perfected my so-called 'art' of removing responsibility and commitment from my every being. I never had any real boyfriends or relationships. And for those who were brave enough, or even foolish to want to ask for more than just my friendship, I'd give them my favourite 'blanket cover' line :-
"If you want to be with me, these are the things you must be prepared to accept. I get bored with people and things very easily. I have many male buddies whom I like a lot, and would spend a lot of time with. I have no intention of settling down. And don't for one minute think that you would be the one who can change me, or influence my mind. So, if you are ok with all that, you can have my number. Otherwise, it ends here and now."
Of course, at the end of the day, someone would always want more and yes, I'd fail to give them more than what they desired, but I could always say to their faces that I had told them so, and that I had even pre-warned them. But that doesn't change the fact that I still had broken quite a few hearts and wounded a lot of people's feelings in the process. At that time, I thought I was being as honest and open as I could have been. But the fact remained, I was the cause of many people's unhappiness.
No, I am not proud of the things I have said and done. And yes, I thought I was being very clever to have devised all the ways and means to escape responsibility and commitment like they were some death knell. In truth, I was not a nice person in every sense of the word. I wasn't even a good friend to anyone. I was completely incapable of thinking of anyone else's feelings or needs, other than my own.
Now, it has been almost 8 years and counting, since I was last attached with a man. And no, I haven't removed myself entirely because I was afraid of getting myself hurt. It was namely to stop myself from hurting someone else.
In these eight years, I have learnt much more than I ever did in the last 40 years of my entire life. And I thank the kindness of so many people for that. For this small measure of mercy and blessing in my silly life, I am compelled to share my story with you all today. Because I don't believe in hiding anymore or any longer for that matter. And I certainly don't think that we should continue to carry any more fallacies onto the rest of our lives. We have all come to this stage of our lives, wasted enough time going after the things we thought were important, and chasing after people whom we thought could make us happy - how much have all of that done us any real good? How much of time have we truly wasted on these pursuits or telling ourselves we would go on waiting for something good to happen, or 'the one' to come along?
The question we should be asking ourselves is, are we ready?
And if we keep thinking we are not ready, and we rather choose to sit out and wait on the side-lines, how would we ever know when we are ready?
How can we ever know what we are made of, and how much we can do by removing ourselves entirely from the whole equation of life and love?
By refusing to play at all, we will definitely not have a chance to find out, let alone, know the truth.
And so, how do we know when we do play, we will do it well?
Truth is, we will never know until we try. And sometimes, it is by the very virtue of certain situations and challenges taking place that we come to know what we are made of.
We do not become better people, better lovers, better anything or anyone by not living out our lives in full. We become better in all aspects by immersing ourselves into life and love. That is why they say, heros are not born. They are made.
So, for my friend, Manley, I have only this to say - you will always have to console yourself by saying, 'I am not happy, but I am not unhappy.' But by deciding to take a leap of faith, you might just be able to turn it around and finally say, 'I am not unhappy, but darn happy!'
When we truly care about someone, we would naturally want to be responsible and committed to them, because their happiness and peace of mind become paramount to us. Just in the very same way that our happiness and peace of mind are important to those who love us.
We wouldn't feel that we'd be losing our freedom or independence in any sense. In fact, we would understand how much we are all inter-related and inter-dependent in the first place. And we wouldn't feel trapped or suffocated at all. In fact, we would finally get the taste of what it means to truly be free - free of false expectations, free of inhibitions and false pride and ego, etc. More than anything else, our lives would become so much more enriched just because they are in our world.
I was the PHD holder of 'I AM NOT READY'. I held the Masters of 'NOT WANTING TO LOVE OR BE LOVED'. I was the graduate of 'THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SOUL MATE'.
I was all the above because my heart was closed and I refused to allow myself to see, feel and believe.
It would be such a shame to live out the very little time that I have left on earth in the same manner. Don't you think so?
After all, I think I have wasted enough time proving that they don't exist when I was clearly proven wrong.
So, what does the theory of the real man means to me - simply this, the real man is someone who isn't afraid to love with all his heart and soul. And the real woman is someone who can be loved in every sense of the word.
p/s as to why am I still single? Well, that's another story altogether.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
My Beloved ASIA - What Has Become Of You?
Today is Sunday 6th November 2009.
I am in Hong Kong.
As of now, I am sitting at my desk, in my hotel room with a spectacular view of the Harbour. Yes, it is breath-takingly beautiful.
Many a times I have thought of Hong Kong as being the HEART of Asia.
Please let me explain why.
If there is a city that is more developed and clapsed within a concrete jungle, it is Hong Kong. It has pride itself to be the center of Finance, Banking, Asian Cinema and etc for many decades. Until recently, she is being eclipsed by the rising magnitude of the mother dragon: CHINA and the phenomena called: Korean Pop.
Hong Kong was what other Asian cities dreamed of becoming when they grow up. She was glorious at her peak - deeply steeped in the Chinese traditions and culture, and yet poised with modern and western grace. She was the Asian model idol - if I could say so myself.
Many a times I, myself, also imagined to wanting to be like her - having the Western open minded-ness and education but strongly rooted in our Asian values. The West met East in Hong Kong - at least, that was the way it used to be. Then things started to crack at the seams - the side effects of materialism or what I would call as "the entrails" that ensue after much pursuit of power, money, politics and wealth - began to surface. And they come in various sizes, shapes, colours and forms. They are unforgiving and unbias. No one is spared or can be pardoned.
The saddest casualty to me, have always been and will always be, the youth.
On my way over to the hotel from the airport, I sat next to the limo driver and chatted with him all the way.
Apparently, there were more news report of youngsters engaging in sexual parties and losing their innocence as young as 13 years of age. And some are even taking their older lovers to court when things have fallen apart or when they wanted 'something paid' in return for "popping their cherries". These made up the recent headlines in HK.
In actuality, these make up the lifestyles of young Asians here and now in the region.
And if you think this is bad, you ain't seen nothing yet.
I have visited a Kids’ Center in a beautiful developed Asian city, and learnt first hand the horror stories of child pronography, child sex trade and child trafficking.
Boys and girls, as young as 7 and 8, had already been forced to “service” up tp 6 clients a night.
I was never the same after that visit.
Is this what has become of our Asian society?
Babies having babies,
Ecstasy achieved at the pop of the pill
Heirtage and Values are traded in for Sensory Pleasures and Viagras
It is no longer about the pursuit of happiness, life & liberty
BUT
Sustaining the frantic feed of an addiction
NAMED:
The Temporal Desires of the Diseased Mind
My Beloved Asia, how did you lose so much of yourself?
Do you know how much my heart bleeds for you?
Do you even know how much I truly love you - all of you?
I am in Hong Kong.
As of now, I am sitting at my desk, in my hotel room with a spectacular view of the Harbour. Yes, it is breath-takingly beautiful.
Many a times I have thought of Hong Kong as being the HEART of Asia.
Please let me explain why.
If there is a city that is more developed and clapsed within a concrete jungle, it is Hong Kong. It has pride itself to be the center of Finance, Banking, Asian Cinema and etc for many decades. Until recently, she is being eclipsed by the rising magnitude of the mother dragon: CHINA and the phenomena called: Korean Pop.
Hong Kong was what other Asian cities dreamed of becoming when they grow up. She was glorious at her peak - deeply steeped in the Chinese traditions and culture, and yet poised with modern and western grace. She was the Asian model idol - if I could say so myself.
Many a times I, myself, also imagined to wanting to be like her - having the Western open minded-ness and education but strongly rooted in our Asian values. The West met East in Hong Kong - at least, that was the way it used to be. Then things started to crack at the seams - the side effects of materialism or what I would call as "the entrails" that ensue after much pursuit of power, money, politics and wealth - began to surface. And they come in various sizes, shapes, colours and forms. They are unforgiving and unbias. No one is spared or can be pardoned.
The saddest casualty to me, have always been and will always be, the youth.
On my way over to the hotel from the airport, I sat next to the limo driver and chatted with him all the way.
Apparently, there were more news report of youngsters engaging in sexual parties and losing their innocence as young as 13 years of age. And some are even taking their older lovers to court when things have fallen apart or when they wanted 'something paid' in return for "popping their cherries". These made up the recent headlines in HK.
In actuality, these make up the lifestyles of young Asians here and now in the region.
And if you think this is bad, you ain't seen nothing yet.
I have visited a Kids’ Center in a beautiful developed Asian city, and learnt first hand the horror stories of child pronography, child sex trade and child trafficking.
Boys and girls, as young as 7 and 8, had already been forced to “service” up tp 6 clients a night.
I was never the same after that visit.
Is this what has become of our Asian society?
Babies having babies,
Ecstasy achieved at the pop of the pill
Heirtage and Values are traded in for Sensory Pleasures and Viagras
It is no longer about the pursuit of happiness, life & liberty
BUT
Sustaining the frantic feed of an addiction
NAMED:
The Temporal Desires of the Diseased Mind
My Beloved Asia, how did you lose so much of yourself?
Do you know how much my heart bleeds for you?
Do you even know how much I truly love you - all of you?
Friday, December 4, 2009
The closing of the year that was 2009
It is a fact. I am a late bloomer.
While everyone else around me have found themselves and came into their own very early in life, I was still struggling to find myself. It took me a long time before I could even understand myself, let alone see myself.
I used to be so envious of those who seemed to know exactly what they wanted to do with their lives and who they were, even before they reached 30 years of age. I didn't understand how they could do it and wanted desperately to ask them if they had a secret manual that's titled - "The Idiot's Guide to Knowing Thyself", or "The Easy, Quick Fix to Finding Yourself: An Insider's Guide".
While I was fumbling, stumbling, crumbling and falling from Grace like every other month, they all blossomed like Spring time in Paris. For so many years, I felt inadequate, incompetent and dejected. Thinking that something was seriously "damaged" about myself.
Not knowing - was both frustrating for myself, and especially for those who cared about me. They all just didn't quite know what to do with me, or about me. Nor did I, for that matter.
For many years, I drifted from this place to that - changing places, faces, body shapes and sizes, and even trading lovers from one city to another. Not realising that I can never run from myself or hide - even if I didn't know who the hell "myself" was at that time. So, this 'escapade' continued for a long time.
As I look back now, I can honestly say out loud : "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, WOMAN?"
Well, clearly, I wasn't - so that just compounded the unfortunate series of circumstances that made up the last 35 years of my life.
It was not until recently that I finally discovered what I was really looking for. And it was not until recently that I understood why I did the things I did. Here, please allow me to share some of my own reflections as the year comes to a close.
1) Finding someone to love me is not the same thing as me being the someone who can be loved, or who can love in return. People may truly really love me, but I didn't know how to love myself.
2) Collecting loads of admirers and suitors does not equate to one's appreciating market value in life or love. The only thing inflated is my ego.
3) Moving from one country to another is not going to change the view within, only the view on the outside.
4) Not doing anything and not moving, being static in every sense of the word is also a choice. It does not excuse me from all responsibility and accountability.
5) As I dwelled within the realms of indecisiveness, I am not the only one being 'stuck'. I also dragged others along in this 'stagnant' mode. This was something I did not want to acknowledge.
6) No matter how many times I tell myself that I was being honest from the start when I told each person that I was incapable of being faithful, it does not acquit me from hurting their feelings or breaking their hearts. The blood still stains my hands.
In truth, I do not need people to love me or understand me.
I just needed to love and understand myself. No matter how much other people can love me or understand me, it can never compensate for my lack of love or understanding of myself. It is, in a word, irreplaceable.
This was the reason why I could not cherish anyone or anything deep enough. It was all very superficial.
This was the reason why I could leave everything out and live without anyone.
This is the very reason that kept me from living my life - really living. Because my heart was never opened.
People and things were no different to me. They can be replaced, disposed of and a newer, shinier version could be bought at the next grand sale. At some instances, at 50% off the original cost price. So, there was no need for me to value, treasure and endear myself to anyone or anything.
I was empty because there was this huge hole. Although I could sense it, I did not know what to do about it. So instead of seeking ways to resolve this, I did my best to mask it. Or attempted to ignore it and hoped that it will magically disappear.
We humans have a strange habit.
We will always seek an external source to feed the things that are inherently missing inside of ourselves. I still don't quite know why we do that, but we always do so. May be it is just easier that way and less painful.
But we do not realise that in actual fact, it is the more fatal and painful in the end.
So, after so many years living with myself and learning about myself, I began to understand that the human race is acutally one which is deeply petrified of pain and suffering. So, we rather spend all our efforts, money and emotional investments in escapism, delusions and illusions.
We do not want to face the truth about ourselves. We do not want to see the real face of who we are.
If you sit back and reflect on how you have behaved and observed the movements of your own mind over the years, you will see what I mean. You will then discover what you have been hiding from in all this time, and what you are attempting to escape from.
As a species, yes, we are terribly vulnerable and fragile. Our bodies and mind break and shatter as easily as glass. We cannot evolve as fast as the germs we are trying to kill off. We can't even mutate to a stronger life form so-to-speak. Hence, we can only create, innovate and participate in all things external of us.
This is our grandest illusion yet - may be that is why we are so fascinated with magic.
We rather buy into the farce than the truth and live in fallacy than reality.
So, what words of advice or, ahem, wisdom can I share after finally coming of age?
Only these -
You are as beautiful and wonderful as you are. Right now, right here.
This moment is going to be as good as it gets until you make that change inside you.
Yes, you have the ability to do anything you want to do, as long as you really put in the effort to achieve it.
No, crying will not change anything.
And no, screaming and shouting will not make it any better.
The one who really loves you will cherish your vulnerability as well as value your strengths.
When people criticize you, it doesn't mean that they hate you or that you are really that bad or lousy.
It means that you just have more room for improvement and you can learn from it and grow from there.
DO NOT wallow in self-pity.
I repeat - Under no circumstances, should you ever allow youself to wallow in self-pity. Because if you choose to wallow in self-pity, you are just fulfilling their 'unpleasant prophecy' about you. But if you choose NOT to believe in being the 'lesser you' and remaining as the 'lesser you', then do something positive for yourself and change for the better.
Above all, make that change for the better LAST and SUSTAINABLE for the rest of your life.
You are worth every your sweat, blood, tears, dreams and hopes.
So, start acting like one. Start behaving like one.
Be kind and grateful to as many people as you can because you know very well how pain feels.
Therefore, you should not cause others any more pain or suffering.
Before you actually become a solution, stop being a part of the problem.
Yes, you can do all the above.
Because I am doing it and I am much worse than any of you put together.
So, believe in the best of you and allow that very best of you to RISE each and every day.
The rest of your life can be the life you have always dreamed of.
Today can be your true beginning.
It is never too late. It is only too late when you never even gave it a chance.
I say it again, you are worth YOUR every sweat, blood, tears, dreams and hopes.
So, it should all come from you and no one else.
No one else is responsible for you or your life.
You should not marry someone else for their money, but earn your own.
You should not sleep with someone else to reach the top of the ladder, but climb on your own.
You should not use people in order to get what you want in life or love, but use yourself to give what people in your life need and love with all your heart.
Nothing lasts forever and nothing stays the same.
This applies to all sadness, pain, joy and pleasures in life and love.
What you understand of the above statement will determine your maturity and ability to live your life to the fullest, and to appreciate life for what it truly is.
This is all I can share and have to share.
The rest is really up to you.
As the year comes to a close, I pray that each and everyone will be loved as much as they should be loving themselves and others.
I am starting a new exciting chapter in my life and I already know how I will end.
Why?
Because my mind and heart will not be governed by negativities and insecurities.
I rather be found guilty for caring more than not at all, and doing much more than not enough.
The year 2010 will be very interesting indeed.
I promise I will make an effort to write every single day, even if it is a short line or two.
My birthday is coming up soon. It's funny - I don't feel 40 years old at all.
While everyone else around me have found themselves and came into their own very early in life, I was still struggling to find myself. It took me a long time before I could even understand myself, let alone see myself.
I used to be so envious of those who seemed to know exactly what they wanted to do with their lives and who they were, even before they reached 30 years of age. I didn't understand how they could do it and wanted desperately to ask them if they had a secret manual that's titled - "The Idiot's Guide to Knowing Thyself", or "The Easy, Quick Fix to Finding Yourself: An Insider's Guide".
While I was fumbling, stumbling, crumbling and falling from Grace like every other month, they all blossomed like Spring time in Paris. For so many years, I felt inadequate, incompetent and dejected. Thinking that something was seriously "damaged" about myself.
Not knowing - was both frustrating for myself, and especially for those who cared about me. They all just didn't quite know what to do with me, or about me. Nor did I, for that matter.
For many years, I drifted from this place to that - changing places, faces, body shapes and sizes, and even trading lovers from one city to another. Not realising that I can never run from myself or hide - even if I didn't know who the hell "myself" was at that time. So, this 'escapade' continued for a long time.
As I look back now, I can honestly say out loud : "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, WOMAN?"
Well, clearly, I wasn't - so that just compounded the unfortunate series of circumstances that made up the last 35 years of my life.
It was not until recently that I finally discovered what I was really looking for. And it was not until recently that I understood why I did the things I did. Here, please allow me to share some of my own reflections as the year comes to a close.
1) Finding someone to love me is not the same thing as me being the someone who can be loved, or who can love in return. People may truly really love me, but I didn't know how to love myself.
2) Collecting loads of admirers and suitors does not equate to one's appreciating market value in life or love. The only thing inflated is my ego.
3) Moving from one country to another is not going to change the view within, only the view on the outside.
4) Not doing anything and not moving, being static in every sense of the word is also a choice. It does not excuse me from all responsibility and accountability.
5) As I dwelled within the realms of indecisiveness, I am not the only one being 'stuck'. I also dragged others along in this 'stagnant' mode. This was something I did not want to acknowledge.
6) No matter how many times I tell myself that I was being honest from the start when I told each person that I was incapable of being faithful, it does not acquit me from hurting their feelings or breaking their hearts. The blood still stains my hands.
In truth, I do not need people to love me or understand me.
I just needed to love and understand myself. No matter how much other people can love me or understand me, it can never compensate for my lack of love or understanding of myself. It is, in a word, irreplaceable.
This was the reason why I could not cherish anyone or anything deep enough. It was all very superficial.
This was the reason why I could leave everything out and live without anyone.
This is the very reason that kept me from living my life - really living. Because my heart was never opened.
People and things were no different to me. They can be replaced, disposed of and a newer, shinier version could be bought at the next grand sale. At some instances, at 50% off the original cost price. So, there was no need for me to value, treasure and endear myself to anyone or anything.
I was empty because there was this huge hole. Although I could sense it, I did not know what to do about it. So instead of seeking ways to resolve this, I did my best to mask it. Or attempted to ignore it and hoped that it will magically disappear.
We humans have a strange habit.
We will always seek an external source to feed the things that are inherently missing inside of ourselves. I still don't quite know why we do that, but we always do so. May be it is just easier that way and less painful.
But we do not realise that in actual fact, it is the more fatal and painful in the end.
So, after so many years living with myself and learning about myself, I began to understand that the human race is acutally one which is deeply petrified of pain and suffering. So, we rather spend all our efforts, money and emotional investments in escapism, delusions and illusions.
We do not want to face the truth about ourselves. We do not want to see the real face of who we are.
If you sit back and reflect on how you have behaved and observed the movements of your own mind over the years, you will see what I mean. You will then discover what you have been hiding from in all this time, and what you are attempting to escape from.
As a species, yes, we are terribly vulnerable and fragile. Our bodies and mind break and shatter as easily as glass. We cannot evolve as fast as the germs we are trying to kill off. We can't even mutate to a stronger life form so-to-speak. Hence, we can only create, innovate and participate in all things external of us.
This is our grandest illusion yet - may be that is why we are so fascinated with magic.
We rather buy into the farce than the truth and live in fallacy than reality.
So, what words of advice or, ahem, wisdom can I share after finally coming of age?
Only these -
You are as beautiful and wonderful as you are. Right now, right here.
This moment is going to be as good as it gets until you make that change inside you.
Yes, you have the ability to do anything you want to do, as long as you really put in the effort to achieve it.
No, crying will not change anything.
And no, screaming and shouting will not make it any better.
The one who really loves you will cherish your vulnerability as well as value your strengths.
When people criticize you, it doesn't mean that they hate you or that you are really that bad or lousy.
It means that you just have more room for improvement and you can learn from it and grow from there.
DO NOT wallow in self-pity.
I repeat - Under no circumstances, should you ever allow youself to wallow in self-pity. Because if you choose to wallow in self-pity, you are just fulfilling their 'unpleasant prophecy' about you. But if you choose NOT to believe in being the 'lesser you' and remaining as the 'lesser you', then do something positive for yourself and change for the better.
Above all, make that change for the better LAST and SUSTAINABLE for the rest of your life.
You are worth every your sweat, blood, tears, dreams and hopes.
So, start acting like one. Start behaving like one.
Be kind and grateful to as many people as you can because you know very well how pain feels.
Therefore, you should not cause others any more pain or suffering.
Before you actually become a solution, stop being a part of the problem.
Yes, you can do all the above.
Because I am doing it and I am much worse than any of you put together.
So, believe in the best of you and allow that very best of you to RISE each and every day.
The rest of your life can be the life you have always dreamed of.
Today can be your true beginning.
It is never too late. It is only too late when you never even gave it a chance.
I say it again, you are worth YOUR every sweat, blood, tears, dreams and hopes.
So, it should all come from you and no one else.
No one else is responsible for you or your life.
You should not marry someone else for their money, but earn your own.
You should not sleep with someone else to reach the top of the ladder, but climb on your own.
You should not use people in order to get what you want in life or love, but use yourself to give what people in your life need and love with all your heart.
Nothing lasts forever and nothing stays the same.
This applies to all sadness, pain, joy and pleasures in life and love.
What you understand of the above statement will determine your maturity and ability to live your life to the fullest, and to appreciate life for what it truly is.
This is all I can share and have to share.
The rest is really up to you.
As the year comes to a close, I pray that each and everyone will be loved as much as they should be loving themselves and others.
I am starting a new exciting chapter in my life and I already know how I will end.
Why?
Because my mind and heart will not be governed by negativities and insecurities.
I rather be found guilty for caring more than not at all, and doing much more than not enough.
The year 2010 will be very interesting indeed.
I promise I will make an effort to write every single day, even if it is a short line or two.
My birthday is coming up soon. It's funny - I don't feel 40 years old at all.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
The Journey & the Journal begins...
Sitting in a café, looking pensive and contemplative.
It is as if everything and everyone in the café have faded into the background, and all that exists is me and the landscape of my thoughts. The vast, openness of my mind is a stark contrast to the confines of what seems to be my life.
I visualise myself as a bird, trapped in a gilded cage. And yet many people, I am sure, would trade their freedom for my gilded cage. Freedom is not valued, because security and comforts in life are the necessities for the living.
I crave the freedom to spread my wings and to test how high I can soar. I do not wish to spend the rest of my life as an over-pampered domesticated pet.
This strong yearning to start a journey in order to find out what I am made of is not motivated by a desire to rebel, nor the intense lack of appreciation of what I have been blessed with.
I have nothing to whine or complain about.
I do have everything that I could possibly need, and then some.
My parents have never denied me of anything, nor were my sisters ever mean to me.
In fact, it is the complete opposite.
I have beautiful sisters who are always there for me.
They are the very foundation I lean on and can count on.
I have wonderful loving parents who have nurtured me with the best that they have.
Especially, my mother.
She is my original Life Teacher and the source of endless inspiration.
She will always be my ultimate greatest hero.
So, from the perspective of someone who has nothing, then yes, I have everything that most people are working hard to achieve.
From the perspective of someone who has everything, then yes, I should just be very pleased with myself and enjoy the fruits laid before me.
Yet, I am still un-fulfilled.
It is not that I am un-happy.
It is not that I had some abusive childhood.
I would just like to really define the meaning of true happiness.
I’ve been on the Queen Mary 2, cruising from England to Cannes to Rome and back.
I’ve stayed at the Four Seasons, Ritz Carltons and Mandarin Orientals all over the world.
I’ve got my share of Chanels, Pradas, Louis Vs, Loewes and Tod’s.
I’ve got my chauffers, maids and helpers left, right and center.
I had my share of Porsche, Range Rover and Harley Davidson.
But I realised that there are just some things money can’t buy.
Money can’t buy respect.
Money can’t buy trust.
Money can’t buy dignity and humility.
Money can’t nurture the spirit and strengthen the faith.
Money can’t teach you compassion.
Money can’t build substance and character.
There are just some things I have to learn from my own experiences.
And I can’t understand until I go out and gain those experiences.
It is not for the sake of winning others’s trust and respect that I go into this journey.
It is not about seeking my parents’ approval or winning my dad’s pride.
It is definitely not about impressing my sisters or anyone else.
And it is certainly NOT because I love my darling only daughter any less.
Izabella is my world, my highest dreams and greatest aspirations.
This is about gaining my own self-respect from myself.
This is about becoming a much better person for everyone I love.
This journey is for me.
It is as if everything and everyone in the café have faded into the background, and all that exists is me and the landscape of my thoughts. The vast, openness of my mind is a stark contrast to the confines of what seems to be my life.
I visualise myself as a bird, trapped in a gilded cage. And yet many people, I am sure, would trade their freedom for my gilded cage. Freedom is not valued, because security and comforts in life are the necessities for the living.
I crave the freedom to spread my wings and to test how high I can soar. I do not wish to spend the rest of my life as an over-pampered domesticated pet.
This strong yearning to start a journey in order to find out what I am made of is not motivated by a desire to rebel, nor the intense lack of appreciation of what I have been blessed with.
I have nothing to whine or complain about.
I do have everything that I could possibly need, and then some.
My parents have never denied me of anything, nor were my sisters ever mean to me.
In fact, it is the complete opposite.
I have beautiful sisters who are always there for me.
They are the very foundation I lean on and can count on.
I have wonderful loving parents who have nurtured me with the best that they have.
Especially, my mother.
She is my original Life Teacher and the source of endless inspiration.
She will always be my ultimate greatest hero.
So, from the perspective of someone who has nothing, then yes, I have everything that most people are working hard to achieve.
From the perspective of someone who has everything, then yes, I should just be very pleased with myself and enjoy the fruits laid before me.
Yet, I am still un-fulfilled.
It is not that I am un-happy.
It is not that I had some abusive childhood.
I would just like to really define the meaning of true happiness.
I’ve been on the Queen Mary 2, cruising from England to Cannes to Rome and back.
I’ve stayed at the Four Seasons, Ritz Carltons and Mandarin Orientals all over the world.
I’ve got my share of Chanels, Pradas, Louis Vs, Loewes and Tod’s.
I’ve got my chauffers, maids and helpers left, right and center.
I had my share of Porsche, Range Rover and Harley Davidson.
But I realised that there are just some things money can’t buy.
Money can’t buy respect.
Money can’t buy trust.
Money can’t buy dignity and humility.
Money can’t nurture the spirit and strengthen the faith.
Money can’t teach you compassion.
Money can’t build substance and character.
There are just some things I have to learn from my own experiences.
And I can’t understand until I go out and gain those experiences.
It is not for the sake of winning others’s trust and respect that I go into this journey.
It is not about seeking my parents’ approval or winning my dad’s pride.
It is definitely not about impressing my sisters or anyone else.
And it is certainly NOT because I love my darling only daughter any less.
Izabella is my world, my highest dreams and greatest aspirations.
This is about gaining my own self-respect from myself.
This is about becoming a much better person for everyone I love.
This journey is for me.
The Words That Launched My Journey
These are the actual words of my Guru, H.E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche, to me -
Time is short. Opportunities once lost cannot be gotten back. Friends die. Tsem Rinpoche also dies. Activities are forgotten. Even a memory of us will be totally gone. The only thing that remains is karma and its effects.
You know so many ppl. You have met so many ppl. How do they benefit you and you benefit them? But we have met and my benefit to you is the supreme dharma. Don't seek new dharma or another angle of what I have already spoken, but master and adapt what you have heard already from me. If you do so, you will see your whole being completely change. The reactions from others towards you will totally change...it is beautiful that way. I wish that for you and everyone.
Do your work, complete and must do real dharma work continuously before I am gone.
Then my Guru asked me to do an exercise - to imagine my death, my very last moments on earth and imagine my last breath leaving my body.
Then my Guru asked me to contemplate on these questions -
1) What have I really done with my life?
2) Who have I benefited or helped in any way?
3) What are the things I really wanted to do?
4) Why haven't I done them?
5) What was stopping me?
6) What can I do now?
That day un-ravelled me. Because for the first time in my life, I began to look inside and not outside.
It was the first time I used the eyes in my mind and not the eyes on my face.
So, let's answer some of these questions.
1) What have I really done with my life?
Answer: Nothing much. I have only dreamed about doing the things I wanted to do, talked about them, and even whined about them and complained how others are doing them, but I didn't lift a finger to do anything about them. While many are living out their lives by being authentic to themselves, I have not even begun to live.
2) Who have I benefited or helped anyone in any way?
Answer: I could not even help and benefit myself to begin with, how on earth could I do anything for someone else. I was too pre-occupied with justifying to everyone else why I wasn't doing more, giving more and living an authentic life that was mine.
3) What are the things I really wanted to do?
Answer: Now, this stumped me. I seriously did not know the answer to this question for many years. To give an example of how little I knew myself back then - I didn't even know how I like my eggs done for breakfast. So, after that 'defining' session with my Guru, I decided to find out exactly how do I like my eggs for breakfast. For one whole week, I ate all kinds of different brekkies, only to come to the conclusion that I really love Eggs Benedict but minus the bacon because I have just turned vegetarian since October 2009. See how lost I was. But one thing remained clear to this day, I knew what I didn't want to do. And that is, to remain that over-pampered, over-fed domesticated fat brat who was only famous for her volcanic temper and her bitchy sound bites.
4) Why haven't I done them?
Answer: Here, I can share a long list of whys - Lazy to the core, Cowardly, rather have things easy, bolt at the sight of trouble or challenges, no conviction in oneself, hence can't bring myself to believe in anyone or anything else, was completely clueless as to what I was good at and could be good at, was too gifted at making excuses rather than doing the actual deeds, didn't have the resolve to even clean up my own mess, and it can go on and on.
I was dwelling in self-pity so that I could feel sorry for myself and perpetuate the cycle of 'delusions' of grandeur and vicious barking.
5) What was stopping me?
Answer: Me, Myself and I. There are no other culprits and no enemies - only those that reside in my head. And I have allowed them to rule over me so that I can continue in my self-piteous state and pretend that I am not responsible for all of them. Now I know better. If we truly believe in something and want to do something, if we are deeply rooted in our conviction, nothing and no one can stand in our way, let alone, stop us. Challenges and adversity become our fuel, because we will use them to propel us further and not allow them to kill our dreams off. This is the huge difference between dreamers and achievers. Achievers are dreamers who act on their dreams. However, dreamers remain in their dreams.
6) What can I do now?
Answer: Whatever that I have been doing in the past, I'll do the opposite now. Because I have literally done nothing back then. Now I work thrice as hard to do everything I can. As long as I am still breathing, as long as the last breath is not leaving my body as yet, while I still can, I am fully commited in doing everything I can for something much more important than me.
I am un-important. I am not significant. Because it is everyone else who is truly everything.
I want to be worthy of this human race and this beautiful space called earth.
It is for these reasons and more that I undertake this journey.
I would like to give the best of me to those I love and care before it is too late.
And so, yes, I believe this journey will bring out the best of me and make me into a much better person – one I could never become if I continued living within the confines of my gilded cage, one I could never become on my own.
I have complete trust in my Guru. And my Guru says, do media. Go all the way, my Guru says.
So, media is where I am now.
In the process of doing media, I realised that I am deeply passionate about reaching out to the youth.
Hence, I started to create programs that are aimed at getting the message out to the youth in a fun, engaging and creative manner.
I WILL NOT REST UNTIL I HAVE COME TO DO WHAT IT IS THAT I MUST DO.
AND WHEN I AM DONE, I WILL GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT, FOR THE FUTURE LIES WITH THE YOUNG.
This media is my gift to them. Perhaps it would become my final gift as it will take me to the rest of my life.
I gave my Guru my word. I am going all the way.
THE YOUTH IS OUR FUTURE LEADERS. AND THEY WILL DO A BETTER JOB THAN WE EVER COULD. THEY WILL BE THE LEADERS WE COULD ONLY DREAM OF BEING.
And when the time comes for the last breath to leave my body, I can smile and say, I did try all my best, I did do something for others and not myself. I will be glad to close my eyes then.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
The Vomit of Society
Yes, that is the name I gave the old Shirley before I smashed her head into pieces and buried her under a bed of white daisies.
I placed a tombstone out of respect and carved the words, "Here lies Redgrave".
Her funeral was simple and elegant - something she would not have approved. But she is not around to whine and gripe anymore.
The Vomit of Society - you might say it is too harsh? Well, if you only knew the truth. Then you would say that I was being kind on her.
How shall I paint this picture without making anyone barf?
The Old Shirley was born into a really good family, who gave her more than what she needed to start in life.
Few people would have that kind of luck or luxury.
Where people strive each day to make a living. She drove her parents crazy with her wild ways of enjoying life. As if she was just milking it for everything it had, sparing no one and nothing.
What else would you call a person who is blessed with so much, and yet continued to use her abundance to feed her own excesses and self-indulgences?
She created the original cess pool of only thinking of herself and only what she wanted, with no regards for what others would need or how they would feel.
As long as she was happy and got what she wanted, the rest can rot into the background.
This was the same person who proclaimed that she would only drink champagne, and good champagne, mind you - like Dom, Krug and Cristal. If you gave her a Verve Cliquot or Moet, she would pour it down infront of your face for insulting her delicate palette and proceed to ask for a Perrier with a slice of lemon.
She also proudly announced that she would only eat desserts first and then move onto starters because she had no time for inter-courses.
She could paralyse you in 5 words or less and strip you of your self-esteem for all to see. And if she was in a particularly good mood, she would even shred your self-worth in 8 words or less.
Can anything be more horrific than a woman who is armed with some intelligence and the gift of the gab, but use them all to belittle others? It seemed that her only justification for living was to make others feel totally inadequate.
And that is just for starters -
I would say that she does not look too shabby in her heydays. Especially when she cleaned up and made the extra effort to dress appropriately. She used to turn a number of heads and not to mention, string them in a row like a trophy of sorts.
Everything about her was crafted so that she looked as if she was someone truly important and significant. Hence, she bought herself all those cars like Porsche, Range Rover and a Harley Davidson's Fat Boy. She even had the disc brakes installed and the bike lowered so that her short legs could swing over them. But the running joke was that she could not even ride a bike. And if you had the gall to point out that fact to her, she would dismiss you in her casual haughty stance and say, "Because I can".
Her most favourite past time was to make life a living hell for those who served her - from those who had the utter bad luck to wait on her in restaurants, bars and cafes to her own maids in her house. I often wondered if she had a heart at all.
Living with her was like kissing death every morning. I think one of her ex-boyfriends might have actually said that exact same words.
On the surface, she was the embodiment of all the things we love to hate and would truly have to try hard NOT to hate. Well she just made it so darn easy for people to really dislike her.
But on a deeper level, this was one lost chick - one very lonely, empty lost chick.
She never had the courage to use any of her talents or gifts for greater good. Even to just donate her used fancy branded clothes or shoes for charity, she would rather burn them so that no one would ever lay their hands on "her things". Everything was either hers or not hers and thereby should not be enjoyed by anyone else too, for that matter. And if something is not about her, then it should not even be discussed in the first place. A complete waste of good conversation, she would say.
She used to have dreams of becoming an artist, even a fashion designer. And she did win her fair share of awards, without bribing the judges or coercing them, mind you. But she never worked at it.
I always saw her as an over-pampered spoilt brattish pet. She made hell looked like heaven on heels. And I was not even referring to her famous short-fused temper. That is another horror story altogether. Gives me chills just thinking about it.
There was only one thing I liked about the old Shirley - she could write some killer poetry. But even that, she did not pursue to perfect her art of writing or using words. She just refused to work at anything.
In a sentence, she was lazy to the core.
So, are you not starting to agree with me now? My name for the old Shirley will always be "The Vomit of Society".
Yes, she may have been always afraid that she would fail if she went after something or worked hard for something. Yes, she even had a low self-esteem deep down inside because she always believed that she was just the beneficiary of her parents's hard work, blood, sweat and tears. She could never respect herself because she always felt so useless.
In any case, despite it all, her actions and speech have caused the most damage to herself and to those around her. When she refused to face the truth about herself and find the courage to do something positive about them, to change her situation - she became a liability and pain to herself and others around her.
People in various walks of life, are burdened with multitude of responsbilities, problems and issues. Some receive a larger magnitude of those problems more than others. Yet we always have a choice. We can always choose to make those problems worse for ourselves and even become a problem to others - or we can exercise the choice to work hard at resolving those problems and even become a solution for others. That is the most amazing thing about the human spirit. It is boundless and borderless.
However, when someone who is already blessed with so much does so little, or worse, does nothing, then I am very sorry to say, but sympathy for such a person would be lacking from others. And that is the truth about life and people.
We would find it hard to sympathize with people who just keep repeating the same mistakes, and who keep launching the same assaults on us. They just wear us down - they deplete us of our patience, understanding, tolerance and eventually, love.
So, I had a very tough decision to make. It is either old Shirley's life or a completely new life - one that is full of possibilities and that promises a better result. Because old Shirley's ending was just too painful to watch, let alone, bear.
If I don't kill her, who would?
No one would love us enough to stand by all our worst, our ugliness and our atrocities, and yet still remain sane or standing.
We have to clean up our own mess and start the path to redemption all on our own.
So, her death freed me.
I have much to thank her for, actually.
Now, I have no one else to blame but myself. Because my life is finally in my own hands.
From here, I have to work even harder than before, because regaining trust and restoring friendship demand that I must be consistent.
I used to think that freedom was all about doing whatever I want, when I want and how I want and with whom I want. But I realised that was really indiscipline, unaccountability and irresponsibility.
When we really care for the people we claim to care, or if we truly care for ourselves, we will never be so careless and casual about what we must do. To be there for the people we love, to be reliable even for ourselves and to be someone who can be entrusted with greatness, we must rise above our own issues.
This is real control.
I am changing the definition and description of old Shirley, version 2002.
Now, I am working hard to unveil the new Shirley Maya Tan, version 2010.
Some day I know even old Shirley will thank from her grave.
I have re-defined who she really is and what she is made of.
And look how pretty the flowers have grown on top of her since her funeral. There are yellow daffodils, delicate ylang-ylangs and purple hydrangaes.
I might even say that it has become a beautiful garden.
Good bye, old Shirley and hello, Shirley Maya.
I placed a tombstone out of respect and carved the words, "Here lies Redgrave".
Her funeral was simple and elegant - something she would not have approved. But she is not around to whine and gripe anymore.
The Vomit of Society - you might say it is too harsh? Well, if you only knew the truth. Then you would say that I was being kind on her.
How shall I paint this picture without making anyone barf?
The Old Shirley was born into a really good family, who gave her more than what she needed to start in life.
Few people would have that kind of luck or luxury.
Where people strive each day to make a living. She drove her parents crazy with her wild ways of enjoying life. As if she was just milking it for everything it had, sparing no one and nothing.
What else would you call a person who is blessed with so much, and yet continued to use her abundance to feed her own excesses and self-indulgences?
She created the original cess pool of only thinking of herself and only what she wanted, with no regards for what others would need or how they would feel.
As long as she was happy and got what she wanted, the rest can rot into the background.
This was the same person who proclaimed that she would only drink champagne, and good champagne, mind you - like Dom, Krug and Cristal. If you gave her a Verve Cliquot or Moet, she would pour it down infront of your face for insulting her delicate palette and proceed to ask for a Perrier with a slice of lemon.
She also proudly announced that she would only eat desserts first and then move onto starters because she had no time for inter-courses.
She could paralyse you in 5 words or less and strip you of your self-esteem for all to see. And if she was in a particularly good mood, she would even shred your self-worth in 8 words or less.
Can anything be more horrific than a woman who is armed with some intelligence and the gift of the gab, but use them all to belittle others? It seemed that her only justification for living was to make others feel totally inadequate.
And that is just for starters -
I would say that she does not look too shabby in her heydays. Especially when she cleaned up and made the extra effort to dress appropriately. She used to turn a number of heads and not to mention, string them in a row like a trophy of sorts.
Everything about her was crafted so that she looked as if she was someone truly important and significant. Hence, she bought herself all those cars like Porsche, Range Rover and a Harley Davidson's Fat Boy. She even had the disc brakes installed and the bike lowered so that her short legs could swing over them. But the running joke was that she could not even ride a bike. And if you had the gall to point out that fact to her, she would dismiss you in her casual haughty stance and say, "Because I can".
Her most favourite past time was to make life a living hell for those who served her - from those who had the utter bad luck to wait on her in restaurants, bars and cafes to her own maids in her house. I often wondered if she had a heart at all.
Living with her was like kissing death every morning. I think one of her ex-boyfriends might have actually said that exact same words.
On the surface, she was the embodiment of all the things we love to hate and would truly have to try hard NOT to hate. Well she just made it so darn easy for people to really dislike her.
But on a deeper level, this was one lost chick - one very lonely, empty lost chick.
She never had the courage to use any of her talents or gifts for greater good. Even to just donate her used fancy branded clothes or shoes for charity, she would rather burn them so that no one would ever lay their hands on "her things". Everything was either hers or not hers and thereby should not be enjoyed by anyone else too, for that matter. And if something is not about her, then it should not even be discussed in the first place. A complete waste of good conversation, she would say.
She used to have dreams of becoming an artist, even a fashion designer. And she did win her fair share of awards, without bribing the judges or coercing them, mind you. But she never worked at it.
I always saw her as an over-pampered spoilt brattish pet. She made hell looked like heaven on heels. And I was not even referring to her famous short-fused temper. That is another horror story altogether. Gives me chills just thinking about it.
There was only one thing I liked about the old Shirley - she could write some killer poetry. But even that, she did not pursue to perfect her art of writing or using words. She just refused to work at anything.
In a sentence, she was lazy to the core.
So, are you not starting to agree with me now? My name for the old Shirley will always be "The Vomit of Society".
Yes, she may have been always afraid that she would fail if she went after something or worked hard for something. Yes, she even had a low self-esteem deep down inside because she always believed that she was just the beneficiary of her parents's hard work, blood, sweat and tears. She could never respect herself because she always felt so useless.
In any case, despite it all, her actions and speech have caused the most damage to herself and to those around her. When she refused to face the truth about herself and find the courage to do something positive about them, to change her situation - she became a liability and pain to herself and others around her.
People in various walks of life, are burdened with multitude of responsbilities, problems and issues. Some receive a larger magnitude of those problems more than others. Yet we always have a choice. We can always choose to make those problems worse for ourselves and even become a problem to others - or we can exercise the choice to work hard at resolving those problems and even become a solution for others. That is the most amazing thing about the human spirit. It is boundless and borderless.
However, when someone who is already blessed with so much does so little, or worse, does nothing, then I am very sorry to say, but sympathy for such a person would be lacking from others. And that is the truth about life and people.
We would find it hard to sympathize with people who just keep repeating the same mistakes, and who keep launching the same assaults on us. They just wear us down - they deplete us of our patience, understanding, tolerance and eventually, love.
So, I had a very tough decision to make. It is either old Shirley's life or a completely new life - one that is full of possibilities and that promises a better result. Because old Shirley's ending was just too painful to watch, let alone, bear.
If I don't kill her, who would?
No one would love us enough to stand by all our worst, our ugliness and our atrocities, and yet still remain sane or standing.
We have to clean up our own mess and start the path to redemption all on our own.
So, her death freed me.
I have much to thank her for, actually.
Now, I have no one else to blame but myself. Because my life is finally in my own hands.
From here, I have to work even harder than before, because regaining trust and restoring friendship demand that I must be consistent.
I used to think that freedom was all about doing whatever I want, when I want and how I want and with whom I want. But I realised that was really indiscipline, unaccountability and irresponsibility.
When we really care for the people we claim to care, or if we truly care for ourselves, we will never be so careless and casual about what we must do. To be there for the people we love, to be reliable even for ourselves and to be someone who can be entrusted with greatness, we must rise above our own issues.
This is real control.
I am changing the definition and description of old Shirley, version 2002.
Now, I am working hard to unveil the new Shirley Maya Tan, version 2010.
Some day I know even old Shirley will thank from her grave.
I have re-defined who she really is and what she is made of.
And look how pretty the flowers have grown on top of her since her funeral. There are yellow daffodils, delicate ylang-ylangs and purple hydrangaes.
I might even say that it has become a beautiful garden.
Good bye, old Shirley and hello, Shirley Maya.
Realization came, but a little too late...
So, it took me a long while to walk this path.
Fear had ruled over me for as long as I can remember.
Imagine wasting more than half of my life on being afraid. So afraid that I did not allow myself to go after the things I truly wanted, to try the things that could have opened up my mind or enriched my life, say the things I should have said and the list goes on.
Imagine living with fear and nothing else. Believing that I am safe because I will not tread beyond my own comfort zones and step across the yellow lines of false security.
So much inner dialogue I had to uphold in order to maintain the status quo and even more so, to convince myself that it is the best thing for me right now.
How many of us have deprived ourselves from living the life we should have led and denying the person we could have become?
In actual fact, we become someone else entirely so far remote from the person we are meant to be. Hence, we dwell in an existance of lies and we do not even realise it.
We build fortresses of delusions and facades to hide our own deception.
Isn't it funny that we tend to lie to ourselves more than anyone else has ever deceived us in our entire lives?
To see the fallacy of it all, one has to desire living out the truth in the first place.
To have the desire to live in all honesty requires one to be the seeker of truth and not an escapist of truth.
So, in the last few years, I had to find the courage inside me to face myself.
Surrendering demands that I don't just bare all. But I must also own up to my flaws, delusions, lies, weaknesses, faults and mistakes. It meant that I should stop running away, hiding and play cover-ups.
It was about coming into the light and seeing the real me for the very first time.
Most people would not approve and would not be able to endure. For no one likes to think that they have any traces of "bad" in them, or that they are somehow responsible for everything that has gone wrong in their lives. No, their first and natural instinct is always to blame someone else or something outside of them.
And I cannot help but ask myself - why?
Who created this concept that we should not be held responsible for the bad things in our life, but only take credit for the good stuff?
Who instilled the idea that we are not capable of healing ourselves in the first place?
Why must saving ourselves always come from the outside, or become someone else's task and responsibility?
At the end of the day, if we do not save ourselves, who would?
If we do not work hard at lifting ourselves from our own misery and pain, who could?
Why can't we even commit to helping ourselves on a daily basis? Is it any wonder then, no one can also commit to us? Is this not what this society has become - a community of commitment-phobics, masters of disguise and lies, escapists of truth, valour and values...
Is this what humanity has evolved into after years of civilisation and advancement?
Sometimes it seems that the more advanced we seem to get, the more degraded our behaviour becomes. Especially, the health of our mind.
So, I asked myself, why should I continue in this way when it has not fulfilled me in the least.
What has any of my old ways done for me but dig a hole with a tombstone ready on the side?
Am I not worth something more? Do I not deserve the opportunity to rise and become the best of me, instead of living life as a lesser me?
So, I stood up that day and said to myself, I want a different life for myself.
I imagined that I can have a much more meaningful life and I was prepared to work at it, seek it out and find the answers to all my riddles. Even if in the beginning, I know it would be hard, volatile and unstable.
I just did not want to keep running or denying.
So, the first thing I did was find myself a Guru.
I did not want to start a new path without a real spiritual guide.
I wanted to reconcile my body, heart and mind.
I wanted all three of them to be in sync.
Thus began my life, at long last and the adventure never ends.
Fear had ruled over me for as long as I can remember.
Imagine wasting more than half of my life on being afraid. So afraid that I did not allow myself to go after the things I truly wanted, to try the things that could have opened up my mind or enriched my life, say the things I should have said and the list goes on.
Imagine living with fear and nothing else. Believing that I am safe because I will not tread beyond my own comfort zones and step across the yellow lines of false security.
So much inner dialogue I had to uphold in order to maintain the status quo and even more so, to convince myself that it is the best thing for me right now.
How many of us have deprived ourselves from living the life we should have led and denying the person we could have become?
In actual fact, we become someone else entirely so far remote from the person we are meant to be. Hence, we dwell in an existance of lies and we do not even realise it.
We build fortresses of delusions and facades to hide our own deception.
Isn't it funny that we tend to lie to ourselves more than anyone else has ever deceived us in our entire lives?
To see the fallacy of it all, one has to desire living out the truth in the first place.
To have the desire to live in all honesty requires one to be the seeker of truth and not an escapist of truth.
So, in the last few years, I had to find the courage inside me to face myself.
Surrendering demands that I don't just bare all. But I must also own up to my flaws, delusions, lies, weaknesses, faults and mistakes. It meant that I should stop running away, hiding and play cover-ups.
It was about coming into the light and seeing the real me for the very first time.
Most people would not approve and would not be able to endure. For no one likes to think that they have any traces of "bad" in them, or that they are somehow responsible for everything that has gone wrong in their lives. No, their first and natural instinct is always to blame someone else or something outside of them.
And I cannot help but ask myself - why?
Who created this concept that we should not be held responsible for the bad things in our life, but only take credit for the good stuff?
Who instilled the idea that we are not capable of healing ourselves in the first place?
Why must saving ourselves always come from the outside, or become someone else's task and responsibility?
At the end of the day, if we do not save ourselves, who would?
If we do not work hard at lifting ourselves from our own misery and pain, who could?
Why can't we even commit to helping ourselves on a daily basis? Is it any wonder then, no one can also commit to us? Is this not what this society has become - a community of commitment-phobics, masters of disguise and lies, escapists of truth, valour and values...
Is this what humanity has evolved into after years of civilisation and advancement?
Sometimes it seems that the more advanced we seem to get, the more degraded our behaviour becomes. Especially, the health of our mind.
So, I asked myself, why should I continue in this way when it has not fulfilled me in the least.
What has any of my old ways done for me but dig a hole with a tombstone ready on the side?
Am I not worth something more? Do I not deserve the opportunity to rise and become the best of me, instead of living life as a lesser me?
So, I stood up that day and said to myself, I want a different life for myself.
I imagined that I can have a much more meaningful life and I was prepared to work at it, seek it out and find the answers to all my riddles. Even if in the beginning, I know it would be hard, volatile and unstable.
I just did not want to keep running or denying.
So, the first thing I did was find myself a Guru.
I did not want to start a new path without a real spiritual guide.
I wanted to reconcile my body, heart and mind.
I wanted all three of them to be in sync.
Thus began my life, at long last and the adventure never ends.
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