LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX - AN HONEST DIALOGUE

YES, SEX IS ON MY MIND.

Quite a lot lately, to be honest.

Yes, seriously.

It's all because of the"disturbing" and "interesting" articles I have been reading online.

The "disturbing" reveals a rather "damaging" data on how porn is affecting the relationships between men and women, and how men's sexuality are warped by internet porn.

The "interesting" articles offer insights and even possible solutions to the above mentioned problem. This is where it gets "provocative" for me. And I do use that term: "provocative" loosely.

I am going to ask the obvious question before proceeding any further, and it is really up to you to be completely honest with yourself or not -

When was the first time you watched porn or anything sexually graphic?

I remember my first experience was at around 12 or 13 years of age. It was a big deal, considering I lived in a traditional and strict Chinese household. I would not say that it was hard core porn by today's standards, but it was certainly sexually graphic enough for a kid who had no prior knowledge of any sort of "birds and bees". It may seem archaic for me to say this, but those were the days when we had no internet, no smart phones, computers and etc. In a way, it was an age of innocence. It was much harder to find anything sexually graphic during those days. Of course, these days it is an entirely different world whereby a "climax" can be reached with a click of a button.

In those days, it was more of a big deal that someone got to watch something sexually graphic. It could be a picture of bare breasts, and it would have caused a HUGE commotion. However, there was no real understanding of what we saw. Then again, who could have explained it to us? Certainly not our parents or elders. They would have killed us for watching anything sexual in the first place, or at least got our share of bashing for "indecent" behaviour. Yes, it was considered extremely indecent for young kids to think about sex, watch anything that has anything to do with sex, let alone porn.

Yet I stumbled upon the VHS entitled something like "Miss Penelope and her adventures" by accident. Someone in the household must have forgotten to retrieve the video from the VHS machine. (For those born before the times of VHS, please look it up.)

Of course, I did not watch it for long. As it horrified me more than anything else. I could not understand what it was all about and whether the women in the video were in pain or having a fun time. I switched it off immediately, having felt like I had violated some cardinal rule just by watching. All I can really say is that the visuals left me with more confusion than anything else.

Still, the images ( it is always the visuals, isn't it?) lingered in my young mind. I was still trying to figure it out, or make some sense of it. However, there was no one I could talk to about it. In fact, sex was a subject that Asian families do not talk about in their homes. It may still be true to this day. It is as if talking about it would mean encouraging their children to participate in any kind of sexual activity with reckless abandonment. So, in those days, not talking about it was meant to be a good thing. Or so they thought. Personally, I think it just made everyone even more curious. Then they had to devise their own ways of finding out more about the taboo subject of sex. Before we know it, some people have graduated to experimenting having sex with whoever that were willing.

Of course, no one really understood the real meaning of it. I dare say, some still don't and they are well into their forties or fifties. Now, why would I say such a thing?

Knowing how to do the deed, does not automatically mean that you understand it or that you are any good at it.

Oh yes, and just because you may have slept with a lot of people does not necessarily mean that you are good in bed either. Yes, it had to be said. 

Which brings me to the "disturbing" articles that I have been reading of late. 

THIS IS WHAT THEY HAVE FIGURED OUT FINALLY! When I say THEY, I mean the men who are finally being open and honest with themselves, the media and those who sincerely wish to rise above this predicament that they are all in. 

The Mail is not the only newspaper reporting this. There are similar reports/stories from Huffington Post and other online sources/forums. 

Source: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2264419/Vanilla-sex-OUT-porn-addiction-IN-Disturbing-results-Cosmo-survey-reveal-porn-damaging-relationships.html

Vanilla sex is OUT, porn addiction is IN: Disturbing survey reveals how porn is damaging our relationships

• Leading sex and relationship experts find men suffer performance anxiety because of ‘impressive’ feats in porn
• Women feel insecure about their bodies and feel pressured to ‘perform’
• ‘Vanilla’ sex is becoming less desirable, while porn addiction is increasing
• 'More young people are learning about sex through porn, and it’s having a devastating effect on their perceptions.'

By DENI KIRKOVA

PUBLISHED: 11:56 GMT, 18 January 2013 | UPDATED: 13:35 GMT, 18 January 2013

Britain’s leading sex and relationship experts have revealed their fears that porn use damages relationships.

70 per cent of men aged 18-34 admitting to using porn at least once a month and the use of it by both men and women is becoming more and more prevalent. But, at what cost? 

Cosmopolitan magazine questioned 68 leading sex and relationship experts about the effects of porn on today’s relationship, and the result was overwhelmingly negative.

'More young people are learning about sex through porn, and it’s devastating their perceptions'

Eighty six per cent of the therapists questioned believe porn has had a negative effect on relationships and 90 per cent have seen an increase in relationship problems due to porn in recent years.

As porn is now so easily accessible, Cosmopolitan was also told that ‘vanilla’ sex is becoming less desirable, while porn addiction – once seen a very niche sexual problem – is on the increase. 

Almost all of the therapists surveyed (94 per cent) have seen an increase in incidents of porn addiction and 63 per cent believe porn increases men’s expectations of sex with their partner.

Needless to say, porn has become a ticking time bomb in relationships and is crushing men’s and women’s confidence in the bedroom. 

More and more men are suffering from performance anxiety because of the ‘impressive’ feats they see in porn, whilst women feel insecure about their bodies and feel pressured to ‘perform’. 

'Porn can affect men’s ability to form relationships with real women, rather than those on their laptop,' said Psychosexual therapist Carol Featherstone.Porn is becoming such a problem for some that 85 per cent of experts think porn has had a negative effect on women’s confidence and 67 per cent agree that women are under pressure to behave like porn stars in the bedroom.

Psychosexual therapist Karen Lobb-Rossini says, 'More and more young people (girls as well as boys) are learning about sex through porn, and it’s having a devastating effect on their perception of themselves and their bodies.'

Whilst some experts have claimed porn can help some relationships, many experts now believe it can have a devastating effect by skewing what is expected in the bedroom,' said Louise Court, Editor of Cosmopolitan.

So, my next question is this -

When was the last time you watched porn or something sexually explicit?

I know that most young boys start their "sexual education" through watching porn. The number of girls may not be as high as boys...for now. But this could easily change. Especially in today's world, with the internet porn, IT IS even more rampant. Young people's "sexual awakening" would begin at an even younger age now than ever. Most of them watch without any real understanding of the act, the emotions or anything related to intimacy, for that matter. Because porn does not promote real intimacy or understanding. Least of all, respect for women. Therefore, what "healthy" perspective would any of these young minds hold of sex, relationships, love and women, in general? 

IF this is not enough to cause for any real concern, please read the following article from "Huffington Post".

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/16/internet-porn-men-pornography-male-sexuality_n_2488056.html?ir

When 23-year-old writer Isaac Abel wrote a powerful piece on Salon asking "Did porn warp me forever?" he set off a conversation about how watching online pornography during adolescence impacts men's sexuality later on.

HuffPost Live host Ricky Camilleri spoke with Abel Tuesday, as well as HuffPost Women editor Margaret Wheeler Johnson, author Naomi Wolf, MakeLoveNotPornfounder and advertising consultant Cindy Gallop, and activist John Stoltenbergabout the subject.

Abel described the appeal of Internet porn, "I think to an extent it's actually being physically turned on by the rapid deviance, by sort of the addictive progressive perversity of being able to click from one climactic scene to another." Wolf said that pornography consumption can diminish men's ability to climax and become aroused with their real-life partners, and Johnson pointed out that the ubiquity of porn creates a sexual standard that impacts women just as much as it does men. "It creates certain expectations about what women will be willing to do, what women like. It informs how women think they have to behave in sexual situations," she said.

But perhaps it's not just porn that's to blame for the sense Abel wrote that he and other young men have of being alienated from their own sexuality.

"If the only cues you've ever been given are from porn ... then those are the cues you'll take," said Gallop. "If we don't talk about sex in the real world, they don't know how. The issue isn't porn. The issue is the complete lack in our society of an open, healthy, honest dialogue around sex for real."

Here, I am going to begin my "honest dialogue about sex for real".

Porn sex has very little to do with real life sex. The only times porn sex comes into the equation is when the couple is using it for fantasy play or experimenting with new scenarios and positions of sorts. Again, notice that it is only fun when the women or partner involved is willing and that they are actually into it. Otherwise, it is awkward, embarrassing and even coerced.

TRUTHFULLY -

There are ONLY very few women who actually enjoy giving men BJs. Most women gag at the thought of it. And I know some women who would rather eat pure lard than go down on a man. Many women do not find it remotely sexy to have men cum at their faces. They hate it especially even more when all the men do is push their heads down south, without as much as a gentle caress or a tender kiss. For some, THEY FIND IT DEMEANING to be shoved downwards. 

Here, I think it is important to emphasize that respect for women does not stop or pause when you hit the sack with her. In fact, it is even more crucial to show a woman how much you respect her when you are in bed with her. The respect never ends for the woman or the man. It works both ways.  Hence, your behaviour towards one another during sex would say a great deal about what you really think and feel about the opposite gender. Are they merely toys and objects of your pleasure, to be used, played with and to fulfill all your sexual fantasies? Where do you get all these crazy ideas from in the first place? PORN, AGAIN?

I am going to introduce all of you to someone who has made it one of her life's missions to educate people (especially, young people) about the difference between porn sex and making love. In fact, her website is called, makelovenotporn. Please meet Cindy Gallop. 

Cindy Gallop in her element

Please watch her in this TEDtalks video. You will be surprised and definitely somewhat educated by the end of the 4 minute video - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FV8n_E_6Tpc

"At TED2009, audience member Cindy Gallop gave a 4-minute presentation that became one of the event's most talked about. Speaking from her personal experience, she argued that hardcore pornography had distorted the way a generation of young men think about sex. She talked about how she was fighting back with the launch of a website --http://makelovenotporn.com -- to correct the myths being propagated."   

Cindy Gallop is not your average 50-something year old woman. She professes to date mostly younger men and they are largely 20-somethings. Below is her brief bio. 

Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/09/fashion/cindy-gallops-online-effort-to-promote-real-not-porn-fed-sex.html?_r=0

ABOUT a decade ago, Cindy Gallop, a pixie-like businesswoman, said she began dating and sleeping with men about half her age. While their stamina and her experience made a good combination, Ms. Gallop said, she also discerned a disturbing trend: the boudoir moves of many of her young lovers seemed drawn entirely from pornography.

Despite her strident views, Ms. Gallop said she did not set out to become a sex evangelist. Born to a Chinese mother and British father, she was raised in Borneo (“a great deal more boring than it sounds,” she said) and studied English at Oxford. After college, she went into advertising and joined the firm Bartle Bogle Hegarty in London, where she quickly scaled the ranks. She moved to New York in 1998 to start up its United States office.

At first, she reveled in her sexual discovery. In 2008, she gave a talk at TED university titled “The Toyboy Manifesto: Why Older Woman Plus Younger Man Is the Relationship Model of the Future,” in which she argued that such pairings, while generally deemed socially unacceptable, were not only sexually ideal but also righted gender imbalances. Young men, she said, found her life experience appealing rather than threatening.

But when she saw that many of the young men had little sex education outside of pornography, she was moved to speak out. “The issue I’m tackling is not porn,” she said. “It’s the complete lack of open, healthy dialogue around porn and sex.”

For the full article, please go here. 

Please do visit Ms. Gallop's sites and read the articles. I am certain that you will find it beneficial, if not informative and educational.

I do agree with Ms. Gallop that real sex is not porn sex.

When we were younger, just doing the deed seemed like a huge deal. To lose one's virginity seemed to be on every guy or girl's personal agenda, as it was the cool thing to do. And they associated that loss with maturity or coming of age. Unfortunately, this one act of losing one's virginity does not make one "older" or "wiser" or more experienced in any which way or form. It is basically a loss of one's innocence, no matter how you want to put it. 

If one's virginity is not regarded as a prized personal gem, then it ceases to be that. Hence, losing it would be no big deal. And to whoever one lost it to would probably become a distant memory in time. However, if it was viewed as something precious, then it would be a sacred and beautiful jewel that's worthy of "safeguarding" until one is truly certain. Also, the person whom one would be willing to share it with would have to be worthy as well. Thus, one need not be in such a hurry to lose it. 

Most young people lose their virginity early on for all the wrong reasons. It was mostly peer pressure or something they had to prove. Therefore, in this respect, it is imperative to establish one's INTENT - to understand and acknowledge why do we really want to be de-virginized in the first place? What's the hurry? What is the real reason behind all this rush to NOT be a virgin?

One should take time to ask these questions and look within or beyond. The key lies in knowing and understanding oneself first and foremost. 

Just being able to have sex does not mean you know how to have real sex, as Ms. Gallop has kindly elaborated in her many talks. How much do we really know of our own body, let alone the body of another individual? How much do we really know how to please ourselves, let alone pleasing someone else? Do we know how to maintain mutual respect for one another in our most intimate acts with each other? 

There is a world of difference between ability and capability in the realms of sex. Ability comes with the basic human equipment that we are blessed with in life. Capability comes from experience, understanding and knowledge of the human equipments that we are blessed with in life. Therefore, how well we use these human equipments, and with whom would depend on our capability.

There is also a world of difference between sexuality and sensuality. Sexuality is nothing more than what the porn industry has churned out over time. It is all scripted, pre-meditated and fabricated. Nothing is real. Sensuality is something very real, experienced between two individuals. It takes into account their emotions, vulnerability, intimacy and of course, capabilities.

In fact, when one is older and more experienced, we will begin to appreciate and understand words like "intimacy" and "connection". Even the words: "making love" would not be viewed corny or out dated. With real understanding, these words mean so much more in a relationship between a man and a woman. Or any LGBT couple/relationship. Essentially, it is about intimate human relationships. 

I have had counseled my fair share of couples about their intimacy and relationships. At the end of the day, I learnt one thing - Many people do enjoy playing "games" and may even seek out different "games" to play to enhance their sexual encounters. However, nothing can ever replace the real passionate intimacy and connection between two individuals. And these intense beautiful connections do not revolve around games to be played or fantasies to be re-enacted. They are the true unions of two hearts, minds and spirits. Beyond the sex, it is the intimacy that couples or individuals seek. Most of us just want to be with someone who could understand us and love us. Then, the physical intimacy with that person becomes much more than just another sexual activity. It becomes an extension of ourselves and our love for that person. This is the kind of intimate union that transcends time and space. I believe, this is the real intimacy everyone seeks and yearns for. 

As every person is different, what pleases each individual would also be different from one to another. Finding out may take time, but it can also be a fun process. As long as it is done with love and respect, then the whole intimate act becomes special.

So, my final question would be this -

Why do you feel the need to watch porn or something sexually explicit?

This is something for you to ask yourself.

If what you seek is to connect with someone, then watching porn will not be of much help.

If you want to have fun, then seek out people who just want to have fun without strings attached. However, be honest and clear about your intent. 

If you are seeking for something more lasting and a relationship, then please stop using porn as a reference or guide. It will not help you at all.

"An intimate relationship does not banish loneliness. Only when we are comfortable with who we are can we truly function independently in a healthy way, can we truly function within a relationship. Two halves do not make a whole when it comes to a healthy relationship: it takes two wholes." ~ Patricia Fry