The landscape is charred,
The ground is stained with fresh blood -
All mine.
My stomach churns
As my head aches
My whole body feels drained,
Exhausted and shattered
I was just here yesterday
I thought I had conquered this region
The smell of a long endless war swarms the air
A new realisation crept into my tired mind,
As long as we are still stuck in samsara
The battles never end.
Yes, we get completely bruised, wounded beyond recognition and even get thrown from Hell and back.
It feels like that sometimes.
And it feels so real.
Sometimes I think I am deliberately being pushed and beaten into submission - submit to giving up....and yet I cannot bring myself to believe that I cannot break through.
I guess, at the end of the day, I do want to break through and this is why I do WANT to continue.
There are many terrible days - too many to list, but then again, I have been the only one who is responsible for all this.
I am the one who created all of it. Hence, I must go through the consequences.
We are all the product of our own Karma.
We created all of it.
So, if we created it - we can definitely correct it or make it better.
This is how Dharma empowers us to take control of our lives.
There are days whereby I don't even know if I am winning or losing, but I believe as long as I do not stop - then I am definitely winning.
If I do stop - it means I have given up and it all ends right there.
What really ends?
The potential for us to become better - our best will not be realised and we will never know what we are truly made of.
Here, I would like to share the words of my Perfect Guru - H. E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche -
"We move ahead a few steps, then we go back a few steps...we find it hard to battle the 'inner demons' within ourselves fighting all the time...we find the secret struggles never end...it almost seems futile... we find transformation so difficult.
Does it get any easier?
It doesn't get easier.
The battle never stops.
It gets worse and the struggles will bring us down.
THAT IS GOOD.
If there was no battle, then we know we are on the wrong path. The battle is actually our own efforts....efforts long overdue and weak at this point.
Sometimes we fall because most of the time we were down, and now we are starting to get up, as we get up we fall. The fact that we fall, means we are getting up again and again.
Remember Buddha under the Bodhi Tree in the last watch of the night, the maras attacked Him full force...even one so close to Buddhahood was attacked...so imagine for us?
Never give up..because there is nothing to give up for." ~ Tsem Rinpoche
H.E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche advises -
"It's hard to change for the better because we were THAT much longer in self indulgence not thinking of others.
So changing now will take monumental efforts, but if you don't, it becomes THAT much harder in the future.
You'll end up so stuck, you really can't get out. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop thinking over and over how hard it is.
Stop wondering if you are going the right way and JUST PRACTICE DHARMA AND DO DHARMA WORK!"
If we seriously think that everything is so hard now, it will not get any easier later on.
Improving oneself takes consistent effort and time - only then we will see the results that we seek.
The real question we should be asking ourselves is ARE YOU WORTH ALL THE TIME AND EFFORT?
For a long time, I didn't realise what Rinpoche was trying to show me, and teach me.
Rinpoche was always trying to show me if I did not even think that I was worth any time or effort and I would not even stick through for me - then it would not be possible for me to do any of it for someone else.
Hence, is it any wonder that most of the time I failed in my past relationships - be it with friends, families or loved ones.
At the end of the day, the relationships we have with those around us reflect the real relationship we conduct with ourselves.
So, whatever you are involved in and whatever you are doing - whatever it is called, labelled or named - just do it and go all the way, because it is really for you.
In Tibetan Buddhism, we practice Dharma and do Dharma work because in that DHARMIC process we can finally start transforming from our lesser self to a much better self.
As Rinpoche always say, whatever that makes you a better person and helps you to become better will be the most suitable path for you. Then, just do it and go all the way with it.
I am going all the way because I do want to become a better person for all the people I love and only then, I can do more for those around me.
I wish everyone who is on their journey the very best.
May we never ever give up.
May we never be afraid to continue with the struggle.
May we truly WIN the war.
See you at the "finish line".
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