DAY NINE: A Wonderful Evening with the Living Buddha

DAY Nine: Monday, 29th March 2010

Today has been a very special day.

 I had the most wonderful surprise in the evening and that is, a private audience with the Living Buddha (aka our Guru: H.E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche)

There are many reasons why I love being in the company of Rinpoche, but one of the most important reason is that Rinpoche never fails to give a Dharma Talk. And usually, Rinpoche will use 'skillful, creative means' to teach us, the 'munster' students. And tonight, the spotlight was on me.

As some of you may know and have read, Rinpoche has been leaving messages in his personal Blog and Facebook about how he is waiting for me to do Dharma work 100%, and he will keep waiting for me. (Yes, our Guru blogs, tweets, and has his own Facebook. Rinpoche's blog is written by himself. Yes, Rinpoche is very hands-on in everything that begins with the words: Buddha, Dharma, Sangha and students. Just check out his personal blog at http://tsemtulku.typepad.com/tsem-tulku-rinpoche/ and you will know what I mean.)

Infact, I am constantly in awe and amazed at Rinpoche's energy, attention to details and people, and at his own endless capacity to always think about helping people, animals and making the Dharma easily accessible to everyone.

This is why Rinpoche would blog and tweet. So, anyone can seriously write to him or send him a comment or question in his blog and Rinpoche will answer. This is literally Dharma at your finger tips and brings a whole new meaning to the words: Digital Guru.

Now, let me get to my being in the spotlight before I digress too much.

Rinpoche has hundreds of students as it is. It is incredible how Rinpoche makes time, remembers and keeps track of everyone's progress, not to mention having to customize his way of teaching to each individual so that his message does not get lost or be misinterpreted.

I always appreciate it when Rinpoche takes the time to tell me the truth about what I need to work on, directly. To me, that is already a huge blessing and most auspicious, because my faults and flaws are pointed out to me in plain view so that I can immediately work on them, or just begin addressing them. To me, that's the fastest way to improve.

I'll share some of things that Rinpoche has highlighted to me on this very night. Ok, I shall share 3 main things.

On top of the list is my laziness, of course. Second on that list, is what an anti-social I really am deep down inside. And finally, how it is time for me to do Dharma 100%. After which, Rinpoche shared some of his own personal life stories with me. Some of these are things I was hearing for the very first time.

Rinpoche said that the two most difficult things in his life and that he dislike them most, are teaching the Dharma and raising funds. In fact, Rinpoche said, he hates it.

I was shocked and I think, even my eyes widened with disbelief.

How can Rinpoche hate teaching the Dharma?! That would mean that Rinpoche does not like being a Dharma Teacher as well, but, but, but...isn't that the whole reason of being for Rinpoche though...to teach the Dharma? Well, he is a Guru!

So much internal dialogue was going on inside my head. Sensing this, Rinpoche smiled and said to me, "Let me explain why."

" Teaching the Dharma in countries like Malaysia, where the people are not that acquainted with the real meaning of spirituality and spirituality is not ingrained into their culture or lifestyles, it is most challenging. Moreover, the people here simply do not really understand what Dharma is all about, and what is the significance of a Dharma Teacher, and how all of these are relevant to them. It is not like in Tibet or Nepal, whereby Dharma is part of their way of life, if not, it is their way of life."

Rinpoche proceeded to explain that he had endured many pains, grief and suffering just to teach Dharma in Malaysia. Not only did he have students who fought against him, some even tried to threathen him, others have attempted to con him, and did. I guess, the most unimaginable were those who went to as far as treating Rinpoche very much like a "performing bear in a circus".

Yet Rinpoche is not complaining.

If anyone has seen the old pictures of Rinpoche when he first came to Malaysia with a small suitcase, you would not find it hard to believe the above statement.

And on top of all these, Rinpoche gets disappointed, saddened and even, heart broken when he sees that some students could not or would not transform. These students would continue in their self-destructive path and refuse to adhere to the advice from Rinpche's heart. Until it becomes too late, then they all come crying and begging to Rinpoche. But there is little Rinpoche can do for them by then, because their Karma was already done in by their own actions and decisions. All Rinpoche can do is make extensive prayers for them.

But then again, there are some students who never return.

I often suspect that they may be too embarrassed. Because most often than not, the realities of what Rinpoche has said or predicted, would manifest and have come to be. And they would have to suffer the consequences, as such is life.

It always pains Rinpoche to have to watch his students go off into this self-destructive mode, and yet he can't do anything to stop them, because they themselves do not wish to listen. Everyone has freewill and they like to believe that they know how best to exercise that freewill.

Imagine that you can see how a person would deteoriate deeper and deeper into their 'illness' and yet because they refuse to take 'their medication', you already know that they are, in actuality, killing themselves. How would you feel if you have to sit through and watch the entire movie of their own 'death' being played out by their own misunderstanding of life and Dharma?

I am sure you would not be sitting at the front row with a basket of popcorns and saying, I told you so. You would most likely put a bucket right on your lap, because tears would not stop streaming down from your face and your heart would be bleeding away from the pain.

Which sane and caring Teacher would want to witness another student's life being wasted away or perished?

Hence, yes, I was beginning to understand that being a Dharma Teacher is not an easy job and teaching the Dharma is not all that rewarding when we have just too many examples of students gone awry.

I am pretty sure that Rinpoche's heart must cry a great deal on a day to day basis.

Yet, Rinpoche said that he must do what he promised his Gurus that he will do, because the whole monastery is depending on him as well. Guru Devotion is of the utmost importance to Rinpoche. He dare not go against his Guru's words. It is against his DNA to even think of it.

Unlike us, the lucky ones, we can quit our jobs or Spiritual practice anytime we want to and give some lame excuse of why we quit and attempt to justify it at every family gathering, or social events with friends. And in time, everyone would forget anyhow and be more concerned with the latest gossips.

But Rinpoche does not have that luxury of choice. When he doesn't teach the Dharma and when he doesn't raise funds, the monks in Gaden Monastery in India will literally suffer, if not, die. They are all depending on him to help sustain the monastery and sustenance of the monks.

So, inspite of his own likes or dislikes, or even his own personal issues, Rinpoche must continue what he does. Rinpoche said that his own personal preferences are unimportant because he is insignificant. However, Rinpoche said that everyone else is most important and significant. It is about them, not him. It is for them, not him.

Here, I began to feel ashamed of myself.

In some ways, Rinpoche and I do share the same dislikes and 'anti-social' issues, but our results are very different.

My own personal issues have ended up crippling me, or even damaging me, and have even helped me in causing harm and injury to others.

Rinpoche, on the other hand, has risen above them all, and even used them to help him to relate better to the people he is trying to help. In the end, Rinpoche's preferences or personal issues do not stop him from doing his job in the best way he knows how. He still gives his best to every student, each and every time. In this sense, the 'quality' of his work does not diminish or fluctuate.

Yes, most of us would have used all our pains and suffering as excuses and reasons to stop, to quit or even to just continue in our bad behaviour. But not Rinpoche. Never. I guess, that is what makes him a truly great Dharma Teacher eventhough he always say that he is such a lousy teacher.

Rinpoche always give all of himself and he never holds back. And all he wants to do is help people become better people, regardless of their creed, faith, culture and age. Above all, he sincerely cares about his students and people in general, even when they have displayed little or no care towards him. Rinpoche does not stop caring just because others have stopped caring. Most of the time, he continues to care even more.

In truth, Rinpoche has given his whole life to the Dharma, in every sense of the word.

What have I done with my whole life?

How have I used up all my time, talents and resources in this lifetime?

Now that I know Dharma and have Rinpoche as my Guru, I will have to make some real changes to my life and my own mind set. Above all, I must start contributing to Dharma as I said I would and not stop until, finally, I am in Dharma 100%.

For now, here is my Day Nine's Summary -

Weight: still 54kg  *rolls eyes*

No. Of Prostrations: 25

Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done!

Physical Exercise: 1 hour and 45 mins. Yes I am working hard to bring the weight down and making up for the days that I have missed.


Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" - Ok, let's see what is in store for us today. Ok, here I go. My eyes are closed my eyes and I picked out page 051.

Quote from Page 051 for Day Nine:

“Speech is the cause of war as well as peace.


Assumptions make war, clarifications lead to peace.”








Personal Thoughts and Feelings:

Short and profound.

The above quote actually reflects my day’s event. Because I had the most wonderful surprise – I had a private audience with my Guru, H.E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche. And Rinpoche gave us a truly moving Dharma talk, directed at me and my spiritual path.

As with everything else in life, actually, whatever we do or use - be it words, be it our talents, our status in life, power, money or authority and even our weaknesses and flaws - everything and anything can be used to help others, with the right motivation, of course.

However, if the intent is self-serving, then whatever resources we have available to us, and are accessible to us, will be utilised for selfish aims and objectives.

So, where you want to be and how you choose to be can only be defined by you.

Here's wishing and praying that we all will use all our gifts and talents to creating greater peace, harmony and unity for all humankind.

Thank you for reading and sharing your comments, as always.

DAY EIGHT = 8/100 = 92 DAYS MORE TO GO

DAY EIGHT of Week One: 28th March 2010


My lower back feels much better than yesterday, but I thought I would not risk it.
Instead, I will let it rest for one more day.
Yes, I am trying to be very cautious here.
There is a long history of bad backs in my blood line. The docs say it is probably hereditary that we all have weak backs.
So many of our family members are prone to that, or are suffering from that, or have suffered from that.
And there is no cure, more like pain management for the rest of their/our lives.
And their suffering is very, very painful to bear and to watch.
Hence, I am not taking any chances at all.
Rather be safe than sorry.
And to be frank, it happens to be from both sides of my family, as in my mother's side and my father's side.
We have seen so many doctors and know so many doctors in various countries that it is just NOT FUNNY AT ALL.


Weight: sigh...still 54kg...I am aiming to get it down to around 52kg to 50 kg. That was the recommended weight for me by my dear Director.

No. Of Prostrations: 25 - Yes I have increased it from 21.

Daily Sadhanas: Yes, check and done!

Physical Exercise: No exercise today. Giving lower back one more day of rest before taking it for a real work out.

Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" - Ok, let's see what is in store for us today. So, I closed my eyes and picked out page 117. Oh look at these words, very interesting indeed.

Quote from Page 117 for Day Eight:

 " In life, everything passes by very quickly and whatever has happened in the past does not matter anymore - it becomes like a dream. In time, even the dream fades. But the results from that 'dream' do not fade. Eventually, we will have to experience these results so we need to be aware of what we are doing right now that will be the cause of those results.

We talk about death so we can live. We realise death so we can make others live."


Personal Thoughts and Feelings:

What precious words to reflect upon before the day closes.

Today was a rather emotional day for me, at least.

My parents and I were going through all the old pictures of our family, in particular of my grandmother. They were both very kind to search all over for really old pictures for me.

I did an interview with the Shanghai Media Group for their local Chinese documentary of Overseas Chinese living abroad, and how each have built their lives in their new home-lands.

This is quite a significant documentary for them, as they have travelled all over the world to interview interesting Overseas Chinese and their life stories. This docu is going to be showcased in conjunction with the launch of the Shanghai Expo. So, when they got to Malaysia, they found me because I was cheap and available. No, actually, I was free, to be exact. Haha

And in that interview, I talked about my late beloved paternal grandmother.

I love my grandmother dearly and miss her to this day. I cannot stop tears from flowing down whenever I talk about her, or even just remember her.

Because she was the center of our universe, and everything that we can enjoy today is a result of who she was and what she did for all of us. She has changed not only the lives of her children, but also her grand children and the fate of many generations to come. We all have a much better life, simply because of how she has lived and how she has taught each of us how to live.

So, yes, the above quote rings true and deep for my life story and my family's.

One person's acts and behaviour can have very lasting results, even long after they are gone.

It would take me a whole book just to explain and talk about my grandmother. She was simply an amazing woman. She came over to Malaysia on the premise of being married to a wealthy man and her family in China would be well taken care of in return. She was only 19 years of age. It was totally against her will, but she had no choice. When she left China at 19, she never went back there again.

But when she arrived into Malaysia, she found out that the family she was going to be married into was very wealthy, but her husband-to-be was a mentally handicapped person. So, she was very angry and became depressed.

One night, she made two cups of tea. One was laced with poison and the other was just normal tea. She said to herself that she had only two options infront of her, being in a foreign land with no friends or family. If she chose to drink the poisoned tea, then her life would end there and then. But if she chose to drink the normal tea, then she would go ahead with the wedding. It was a very hard decision for her to make. Finally, she knocked both the tea cups over, and decided to give herself the courage of a third option. And that was to escape and run away.

So, one night, she did exactly that. She did not pack anything at all. She just crept out of the house sometime past midnight and just ran as fast as she could, and as far as her legs would take her. Fortunately for her, she landed not far from the Chinese Immigrants Association's doorstep and they took her in. In those days, there were many Associations set up to help various Chinese immigrants who came over from the different provinces in China. It was to help them adapt to their new lives in Malaya.

From there on, her life was in her own hands and she began living as best she knew how. From having nothing, from being dropped literally into a totally different world, she made the best out of her life. All her children are now outstanding individuals in the society, and in the Asian corporate world. Her grandchildren, like myself, are given far better options and opportunities in life than she ever had. And this all stemmed from her.

At her funeral, when all the different friends came to pay their respects to our families and my grandmother, they kept saying how lucky my grandmother was because her children are all such successful and devoted individuals. Then my father stopped to correct them all, he said, "No, you got it wrong. It is we who are very lucky to have her as our mother. She made us into the people we are today."

There is simply too much for me to share about my grandmother, it would not end with one blog post. As it is, I am already getting very emotional as I am writing all these down.

So, when the Shanghai Media Group came to Malaysia for an interview, I was so determined to share her story as I truly wanted the whole of China to know that they had this amazing 'daughter' named, Lim Yoke Moi. And she was extraordinary to her last breath. She changed the fate of all our lives - through her pure grit, her love, her tenacity and devotion to her children's better future.

This was my way of 'sending' my grandmother back to China, and I hope that whoever watches the program when it is out, would be as proud of her as I have always been.

Of all the most important people in my life, my grandmother stands on a higher pedestal than my own parents. Yes, she does. Her death devastated me deeply and completely. I just could not believe that I would not see her again and listen to her voice again. I could not accept that there will be no more grandmother at every dinner, at festive occasion, especially during Chinese New Year. I found it so hard to accept the fact that she was truly gone.


Here, I'd like to pay a small Tribute to My Dearly Beloved.

There are many things which I cannot bring myself to share with anyone about how I feel about my grandmother. May be it's because I will always be gripped with so much emotions even to this day, whenever I think about her. So, where in private there are words I will keep to myself, these are the ones I can share for the public to read.


Just a few lines here,


An album of your life


To record


The countless years


You've held us together in your warmth,


With the generosity of your heart,


The endless joy


You gave each of us –


From your children,


To your grandchildren,


To the great grandchildren


Knowing that


We can never come this far


Without you


To reminisce


How you taught us well


To love our parents,


Our brothers, sisters,


Our children,


And above all,


To love ourselves


Constantly reminding us


That if we stand alone


We can only do so little


But together,


We will all achieve Greatness,


There is no bond


Stronger on this earth


Than what unites a family


Your legacy lives on


In each of us


As we will pass it down


From one generation to the next


Because


You will always be part of us


And who we are,


For now and ever more.


My grandmother have always said that the world is truly a perfect place, but unfortunately, we are not. And until we change, we will never see how beautiful the world really is. Or become the rightful heirs of this magnificent beauty called, life.

Today we plant the seeds of what we want to sow tomorrow. The same applies to us for the people we want to grow into in the future. We got to start from here and now, from where we are. And we have got to continue putting in the effort and time, invest into it wholeheartedly, and keep working at it. The results will always speak for itself, for us. As it always has done so, as it always will be doing so.

I hope that some day I will indeed honour the memory of my grandmother by living out my life in the best way that I know how, and I did not just give up, like I almost did.

Yes, all the way, here I come!

When in Samsara ...

When I am not on a holiday in Samsara, this is what I do as part of my job

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8isfa1ox8Y


Among other things, I get to meet wonderful creative individuals, and we make fun music together

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiKi4gvWF7s

And sometimes to raise funds for NGOs and community work, I would make an utter fool of myself infront of  thousand people


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7MZoIZKzW5Y


This is to give you a little idea about my work in the world of Samsara.

HAHAHA

DAY Seven = 93 Days To Go

Day Seven of Week One: Saturday, 27th March 2010


BACK PAIN!

BODY ACHE!

SHOULDERS SORE!

ARMS SORE!

Purification of negative karma? I certainly hope so. Either that, or please just purify the fats from my body!

Weight: Still at 54 kg. Obviously, it likes this number. Oh, when, oh, when will you go down?

No. Of Prostrations: 21

I seriously looked like I was doing prostrations in slow motion! Going down, slowly and going, ouch, ouch, ooh, aahhh...and then back up, ouch, ouch, oooh, aahhh....like it is a new mantra or something.

Daily Sadhanas: Yes, check and done!

Physical Exercise: No exercise today. Lower back not in good shape. Will try some lighter exercises tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" - Here we go again. I closed my eyes and picked out page 123.

HAHA - you wouldn't believe what it says on page 123. Let's read it out loud together, shall we?

Quote from Page 123 for Day Seven:

" Yes, your difficulties and your problems are genuine, they are real, but they will also pass.

Time is short. Opportunities will be lost. If you think you are young and you are going to live forever, the people around you, who you care about will not be young and live forever. "


Personal Thoughts and Feelings:

This is a real gem of a quote. How timely too.

If we scroll back up to what I wrote in CAPS, then we can sit together and laugh about how the quote seems to reflect what I wrote at the very beginning of this post.

And you know, I literally do just close my eyes and pick out the quote after I have typed in whatever I want to write. So, I really do not know what quote will pop up on each day.

What it speaks to me is simply this -

Our daily human drama, the challenges in life and all its magnificent struggles that we face are all REAL. Yes, they do exist and they will not likely just disappear altogether before being replaced by newer and may be harder ones for us to tackle.

In other words, they will not end.

But how we perceive them and how we respond to them will make all the difference in the world.

Nothing really stays the same and everything does change.

This applies to every joy, sadness, pain, pleasure - and everything else in between.

They each will come to pass.

Hence, we do not have to gripe and complain about the pain and misery too much.

And what do I mean by 'too much'?

When all you see and think about is the pain and misey, all the negativities and nothing else. And all you spend your time doing is dwell upon the suffering and agony, to the point that you seem to be "married" to it, and not wanting to be divorced" from it so that you can move onto finding solutions and rise from it all.

Ever heard of the phrase, only happy when miserable? Or misery loves company?

Well, I've been guilty of all of the above.

There was a time, somewhere in between 2001 to 2003, when the minute I opened my eyes in the mornings, I just thought about the different ways I was going to kill myself that day. And I would continue to lay there and go through the different methods of ending my life - shall I slit my wrists, or would I be better off swallowing the whole bottle of sleeping pills, or perhaps, I could turn on the gas and close all the windows...the list was not very long because I did not have a wide imagination of death by suicide. Ye, strangely enough, considering how much imagination I have for coming up with B.S. Come to think of it, I was "married" much longer to my depression than I was "married" to my ex-husband. The irony of it all.

In any case, my entire day and night were spent on the contemplation of death, all my own. And if I had been remotely successful in any of the suicidal attempts, I would not be sitting here today.

More importantly, I would not be living out an authentic life that was mine, using my existing talents or skills to help others, or even attempt to help others. Above all, I would not have had the wonderful experience of meeting and learning from all the extraordinary people whom I have come to adore and be so inspired by, after 2003. And they each have made me into a much better person than I could ever be on my own. On top of that list is, my Spiritual Teacher, H.E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche.

In other words, I would have denied myself the most precious opportunity of all, and that is, to become...just to be and become.

Now, in the same vein, if I do not invest the time and effort to better myself with an urgency that could only be good for everyone concerned, then how would that affect the people I love, or even the people around me?

In retrospect, it was my daughter who gave me the courage to continue living and stop thinking about dying. But it was my Teacher who taught me how to live my life meaningfully and with a purpose so that my every living moment is used to benefit the people around me, especially to those I care about and love.

If this is not the greatest gift that I can give to those I care, while I am able and alive, and while they are alive and able to receive, then what is ?

How else could every waking moment of one 's life become a moment that is worth living?

FEAR


Spreads like a plague


Paralyzing every individual in sight


Numbing our hearts


Fortifying our minds


And amputating


Our very souls




No one dares to love openly these days


No one dares to give or share anymore


We creep back into our little shells


Because we are so petrified


Of being hurt again



HURT


This vulgar four-letter word


Is not some chocolate-coated poison


Which gets us in the end



The human condition is NOT


As fragile as we like to think


We are much stronger


Than we want to believe


All that is missing


Is an UNDERSTANDING HEART



This is my prayer for all of us


That we may each find strength


In our own vulnerability


And have the courage to live


Without pride,


Without expectations,


But with grace and love.



HAPPINESS, IF NOT NOW,


WHEN ?


Good Night and Sweet Dreams.

6/100 = DAY SIX

Day Six of Week One: Friday, 26th March 2010


Yes, it is a delayed post and I do apologise.
I was not feeling well and had slept very early last night and woke up terribly late this morning.
Been nursing a runny nose and lower back pain.

Nonetheless, I am glad that I am still rather awake. Unlike yesterday night, I was out by 9pm. And yes, that is considered too early for me.

I actually enjoy this time of the day - after 1am. Because it is all quiet and almost tranquil enough for me to hear my own thoughts with much clarity.

So, here's what my Day Six looked like -

Weight: I still weigh 54 kg. No difference as yet. Haha

No. Of Prostrations: 21
Now, I am definitely very sore all over. If some parts were spared before, today pain made sure it covered every fibre of my being.

Daily Sadhanas: Check and done! There are some prayers and mantras that I never miss. In other words, they are compulsory. Just to share with you how my daily sadhanas look like/read like.

1. Practising Guru Devotion With the Nine Attitudes
2. My Guru's Long Life Mantra
3. Samayavajra - This is a special form of Vajrasattva that is practised specifically to purify samaya with our Gurus. Yea, I do it every day. Just in case and to be safe!
4. Guru Yoga Of Lama Tsongkhapa
5. Tara Short Mantra
6. 35 Confessional Buddhas
7. Black Tea Offering To Setrap w/ Mantra
8. Heart Sutra
9. Vajrasattva 100-Syllable Mantra for Purification
10. Prayer to Vajrayogini: Entreaty to Bless and Awaken Friends by H.E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche
11. Complete Dedication Prayer
12. Shantideva's Dedication Prayer
13. Yonten Shigyurma: Foundation of All Good Qualities

However, first thing in the mornings, without fail, I will chew my "Yangchen Rilbu Pills" and then do the practice of "Gangloma: Praise to Manjushri".

I just would like to stress that being discipline like this on a daily basis is not something that I was brought up on. In fact, it goes against every grain my body because I was never disciplined and couldn't stick to one thing long enough for its benefits to take effect. That has been a major issue with me, for the longest time.

Hence, doing all the above, without fail every single day, is a big step for me. So, I do it because it truly helps me in countering my intense lack of discipline. On Sunday, which is tomorrow. I will raise the "stakes" a little. That's the whole point. Push myself to a higher level.

Physical Exercise: I have to shelve my exercise for today and tomorrow due to this lower back pain. I think I pulled a muscle during day four's exercise routine. Will do lighter exercises after tomorrow, and will make up for the days that I have missed when my back is much better.

Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" - ok, so I closed my eyes and picked out page 049.

Quote from Page 049 for Day Six:

" If we do not create inner peace, outer peace is not possible. As a result of the selfish mind, we have global warming, we have war and conflicts. All this arises from the selfish mind."










Personal Thoughts and Feelings:

Everything begins from what we fabricate in our mind, and ends with what we tells ourselves in our head. I truly believe that.
 
In fact, to be frank, I have been observing the motions in my own mind over the past few weeks. I came into the conclusion that the human mind is really fragile and most petrified of pain. This is something common that we all share. The only difference lies in the degree we would allow our minds to proliferate in the 'self-protection" mode. Otherwise also known as the "self-cherishing" mind.
 
A friend of mine said that it is our natural survival instinct to protect oneself.
 
But I asked him this next question, "If it is a survival instinct to protect our own self, then why should our mind employ deceptive means/tools and delude us, instead of tearing down the walls or shades and allow us to see the truth of it all. Would that not make us into better and stronger people, in the real sense?"
 
The mind is such a curious system, for the lack of searching for a better word at this 3am in the morning.
 
It shelters us by deceit because it convinces us that we are correct and other people are wrong. Almost, instinctively.

It persuades us to think only of ourselves first and foremost, especially of our own comforts and convenience and disregard everyone else's. Sometimes, even at the expense of everyone else.

It can even disguise itself as many things in order to delude us into thinking that we are not responsible for all the things that have gone wrong in our lives, not even for those that we have impacted on others.
 
If it truly cares for our real survival, then should it not care about helping us becoming champions of our lives, instead of prisoners or cowards of our lives?

How does being blinded from the truth and being sheltered from reality help us become the better versions of ourselves? Let's not even talk about achieving the best that we can be.
 
Yes, perhaps as a species, we can be considered as reasonably cool and great because we have highly developed 'outer technology', but unfortunately, we have neglected to develop our 'inner technology' highly in the process.

While our "outer technology" may provide us with the comforts, luxury and convenience in living out our every day lives, it is really our "inner technology" which will define our lives as meaningful and worth living.
 
A highly evolved or developed society is a highly conscious society. Otherwise then, it would be no different than giving a bunch of juveniles sophisticated machineries, but the juveniles would not know how best to use that machinery to benefit humanity at large. Rather, they just end up playing with it for their own pleasure. Or worse, use it to cause great harm or injury to those around them.
 
Without the "heart", there can be no real understanding of the mind and hand.  
 
And I'd like to think that what we humans, as a species, do have that is far superior than all the rest of creation, is our great big heart with its great big capacity to love and care for all the rest living on earth. This is perhaps the only thing that would make us closest to being the "Crown of Creation".
 
Otherwise, we are just simply a barbarian, disguised in sophisticated clothing and armed with weapons of mass destruction.

What do you think? Seriously.
 
Day Six ends here.

Day Five = 95 More Days To Go

Day Five of Week One: Thursday, 25th March 2010


I've put my rather unwell baby to sleep.
Just showered after my exercise.
Now, sitting infront of the lappie to log in my daily post.
This will be a short one. I hope.
I am really tired today.
Last night, I was doing some writing at Rinpoche's Ladrang with the E-Division Head, Beng Kooi. Otherwise, affectionately known as 'BK'.
Well, let me re-phrase that. I was trying to write what BK was directing me to write.
You know the way I write - its sooooo flowery, long winded and nothing resembling a corporate content.
I like the way BK cuts through the fluff and gloss. She helps me write precisely what Kechara needed to convey without the fluffy gloss.
So, only came home early this morning at 6am.
Slept at 7:30am and woke up at 9:30am.
I don't know how Rinpoche's Liasions and Kechara personnel do it, but they work like this almost every other day. Well, Rinpoche does it every day! But then again, Rinpoche is a Living Buddha.
But BK is not far behind, she is the Supreme Queen of No Sleep Needed.
I always suspected that she has a chip behind her neck somewhere because I just don't know how she can go on and on like the Energiser Bunny every single day. And she still smiles!
Hence, you have to salute these wonderful amazing individuals who truly push beyond themselves to do what needs to be done because they know that it will all benefit someone, somewhere, somehow.

As for me, just after experiencing one night of sleep-depravity, I am already a walking zombie.

So, what's the summary for Day Five...

Weight: I actually forgot to weigh myself today. Haha. I probably still weigh 54 kg. Well, I certainly hope so! Will weigh myself tomorrow morning and then we will know.

No. Of Prostrations: 21 - Pain is here to stay. This is because I never did a lick of exercise and this is why I am in pain. Please purify my body, speech and mind and remove all the obstacles to my body, speech and mind, especially the interferences to my mind. This is what I say everytime I go down with each prostration.

Daily Sadhanas: Had to break it up into 3 parts today as it was a busy day. But the good thing is that I noticed I don't need to have the room totally sealed with slience whenever I do my sadhanas now, not anymore. I can still continue and concentrate quite happily. Previously, whenever Izabella would come and chat with me while I was doing my sadhanas, and I would say to her in my irritated tone, "Can't you see that I am praying?"

That in itself is just so wrong. I mean, we all pray in order to become better people and to cultivate more compassion, but what did I say to the person right infront of me, my dearest little girl? Not very compassionate, is it? Which makes me think, what the hell I am praying for when I can't even exercise a little courtesy, control and kindness? After all, she just wanted to be with me. That is what struck me as absurb. I pray for so many good qualities and namely, compassion but I couldn't even dispense it to the one dearest and closest to me, or to the one sitting right next to me. But I was so intent on doing my sadhanas and completing them. Laughably twisted. Yea, I had it all backwards. I confess and I admit it all.

So, these days, it is very different. Izabella would be in the room with me. She could be drawing, reading or looking at photo albums and she would stop to chat with me every once in a while, and I would turn around and smile and answer her in a loving tone, and say, "Yes, darling". And after she got a reply from me, she would leave me be and I would continue with my sadhanas.

Sometimes she would ask what tea am I giving to Setrap today, or if she could sit with me while I pray. So, this sums up my little minute progress on a daily basis.

And yes, I do Black Tea Offering to Setrap every single day, without fail in my daily Sadhanas. I love Setrap!

For those of you who are not familiar with Setrap, well, he is the Wrathful Emanation of Buddha Amitabha. one ferocious "Terminator". That's what I call him. But really, he is a Dharma Protector. He protects those who are studying the Dharma or pursuing the Dharma. And he removes all the obstacles to our Dharma practice.

No, he will not answer your plea to get you a girlfriend or boyfriend, or aid you in finding a spouse. Setrap is not a dating agency or match maker. "He is the Terminator", remember that!

And no, Setrap is not going to help you get more money or win the lottery either. DHARMA and ONLY Dharma. Hence, he is called a Dharma Protector. My dearest friend, Sharon Saw of Kechara Media and Publications actually wrote a book about Setrap. It's everything that you ever wanted to know about the red fiery Setrap, and it comes complete with instructions, a DVD (in case you are adverse to reading) and a Setrap's prayer book. The best part is that all of the above comes in a box, together with a small tsa tsa of Setrap.

I have a strange feeling that some readers are blinking away like as if I have lost you. Ok, I'll even explain what a tsa tsa is - its somewhat like a mini version of a statue, but it is made of clay and it is flat so that you can travel anywhere with it. Tsa tsas are created for the ease and convenience in travelling with our holy Buddha images. OK, I better stop here because I am beginning to sound like a Sales Person.

All I will say is that I totally believe in Setrap and I actually make prayers to Setrap to help me assissinate my enemy within, namely my "self-cherising mind" and all its "entourage of delusions". So, please go to http://www.kechara.com/ if you want to find out more about the "Terminator" who removes all obstacles in our Dharma practice named: Dharmapala Setrap Chen.

To all my non-Buddhist friends and readers, Setrap is no different than an angel whose sole purpose is to help us get rid of our inner demons. Yes, He is just like that.

Physical Exercise: 55 minutes

Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" - ok, its that time again, and today I closed my eyes and picked out page 035.

Quote from Page 035 for Day Five:
 
" Stop looking for reasons not to practise. Stop looking for reasons to be unhappy. Where has that gotten you? Surrender! If you do not want to be happy for yourself, then be happy for the people you claim you love. Make them happy by being happy yourself."
 
 
 
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
 
For me, I just do not want to continue blaming others for everything - be it an unhappy event or emotion, or anything that went wrong in my life. Nor am I dependent on others to make me happy either.
 
Actually, all I needed to do was just to care, pay attention, listen well, be respectful and be more considerate to the people around me.
 
Our happiness is not at the mercy of someone else. But other people are definitely at the mercy of our loving kindness.
 
So, if we truly love the people we say we love then it is time to look from their point of reference, and not ours. It is time to let go and give ourself over to Compassionate Love and stop being so calculative about every single thing.

If there is anything worth calculating, it is how much we are willing to invest in making ourself better individuals, and becoming truly relevant to the lives of those we say we love. So, if we don't start now, then when? When it is too late? When there is no one around or alive to hear, experience and see?

So, I make it a point nowadays to do the things I really want to do with all my heart and say the things that I want to say to those I cherish on a daily basis. I am not going to be miserly about expressing love and care anymore.

In that way, even if the time of death does come a little too soon, I would have said the things I want to say to the people who are meant to hear them and I have not held back like it is better to save it for some rainy day notion.

Not everyone can wait for us to be ready, well and willing. Like I said again, it is not from our point of reference but from theirs. When you see the joy in others and they are all worth it.



Happiness is best served when shared. Don't you think?
 
That's all from me tonight. Got to lie down now, really need to sleep.
 
Tomorrow is a brand new day. So, its 5 down and 95 to go.
 
Cheerios! Night and night.

DAY FOUR = 4/100 = 96 More Days To Go

Day Four of Week One: Wednesday, 24th March 2010


Weight: 54 kg  - Haha, wait till my Director hears of this. He said that I must lose 10 pounds because we tend to look much bigger in the telly. And he said that I should be around 50 kg in order to look just right in the telly. Thank goodness I am not seeing him anytime soon just yet. ( Hope he is not reading this either. Yikes! )

No. Of Prostrations: 21 - Yup, it is official - body aches, shoulder aches, they have arrived and landed on me. I woke up this morning and felt like as if a train has ran over me, and then it did a reverse, and decided to run over me again because I was not quite ironed out. I felt so shattered that I was looking around my bed to see if there were any parts of me which came apart while I had slept. Well, it would have been darn interesting for me to put myself back together again, that's for sure. I don't think that all the King's men or horses could have helped me either! Ok, should stop over-exaggerating now. I am in one piece, albeit sore, ok, check and done!

Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done!

For those of you who are not familiar with what Sadhanas are - it is basically a personal daily prayer that one does under the direction of one's Spiritual Teacher or Guide. Mine takes me about 1 hour and a half to complete. And that is if I am concentrating well, and not day dreaming, or being distracted by other thoughts. I remember in the early days when I first started doing sadhanas, I couldn't make myself sit still nor could I endure the continuous chanting of the same verses as I went through my mala (similar to a rosary bead). And this was with something very short and simple that Rinpoche had instructed me to do. As you can imagine, I always ended up forgetting to do it, or 'deliberately' forgetting to do it, and to out right not wanting to do it at all. It got to a point whereby I became resentful about doing it. See, how languid I was! Every DNA in my body just refused to make an effort to do something for myself in a consistent and disciplined manner. Yup, LAZY TO THE CORE. Hence, the rightful nick name: Queen of Sloth.
The irony is that I was also terribly VAIN (ok, still is to some degree). And that made me most impatient and irritable when results did not materialize or took a snail's pace in arising. Can you imagine an impatient sloth? Ridiculous, I know. Yea, we can laugh about it now, but it was no laughing matter there and then. I simply wanted results without working for it, or at it. And then I'd cry and feel sorry for myself when things did not happen. "Woe is me, woe is me!" What utter B.S. So glad that I am so over with that! Now, moving swiftly along....


Physical Exercise: 35 minutes

Yes, today was another busy day. I had mentioned yesterday that my only darling daughter, Izabella, is down with a very bad viral fever, and I had to take care of her. It is really the pits when young children get ill. We worry and worry to death. We can't sleep, we got to keep watch over them and hope and pray that the fever breaks. But I must say, I am truly very fortunate indeed. Although Izabella's father and I have been divorced for about 8 years now, we do co-parent very well. So, I am not suffering the pains and agonies of a single mother. And I have witnessed and listened to enough horror/sob stories about and from single mothers. So, I am well aware how fortunate I am.
Izabella's dad loves her dearly and have always been there for her. Infact, we do support each other very well in raising our daughter together but not under the same roof. Things could be a lot worse and are so for many other seperated couples or estranged couples, yet we are able to remain good co-parents to this day. And this is something I am very very grateful for. He truly tries his very best to be the best father for Izabella. Mind you, we did not always had it so smooth. Especially not during our marriage. Funny enough.
In this respect, I came to realise that being parents do not automatically qualify us as being wiser or more mature. In fact, it may have no bearing whatsoever on one's maturity, wisdom or even understanding of the word: Responsibility.
In any case, I am much relieved and thankful that I do have a lot of help and support from various wonderful, caring people. Even Izabella's father's girlfriend. She is indeed a gem! We are very blessed that she is who she is and does what she does.


Daily Reflection from “IF NOT NOW, WHEN?” - Ok, let's do this again, I close my eyes and turn to a page at random. And today, it is - OH MY, MY - Guess what? It's Page 085 yet again! I wonder what does that mean. Haha.

I am just going to post it and share it here again. Just for easy reference and re-cap.

Quote from Page 085 for Day Four:
 
" Saving does not come from an outer source, it comes from yourself.


If you blame others for everything wrong in your life, you give control over your life to them. If you control your life, you cannot blame others."





My personal thoughts and feelings:

After much contemplation, I do find the above quote very relevant to the events of the day.

If we don't save ourselves, who could? Or rather, who should?

Frankly, I no longer believe that it is someone else's job to fix all the missing gaps and leaks in my life. Nor do I expect it either.

Ever since I started this whole new career in media, I have never been more exhausted in my entire life. I have not worked longer hours, days and weeks than I have ever done in my adult life. Sometimes they just seem to meld into one long phase of no sleep, no sight of an end, and it just drips on and on like a leaky faucet.

Some days I just seem to live out of a suitcase, because it is just non-stop travelling from one country to another. Other days, it is like a dreadful waiting game and the suspense build-up just gets more and more nerve wrecking. No, I have not been pulled, snapped, tugged, ripped and probed as much as I have been ever since I plunged into the world of media, tv and film. Yes, it is all foreign to me. Yes, it is sometimes scary and I don't even know what is going to happen tomorrow. Whether everything is going to get 'aired' or 'released' at some point in the near future, or whether I will ever get a proper pay check from this business. No, I don't know and I have no real concrete answers to offer at this point in time.

Just a little over two months ago, my dad came up to me and asked me to consider quiting this media business altogether. He said that he can see that it is not going to be easy. In fact, he said that it was going to be very tough for an inexprienced nobody like me, a complete unknown to break into this 'playing field'. He asked me to consider returning to the family business, because it is safer and already established. Less risky.

I looked at him and smiled. I understood where he was coming from. He was just being a dad, a caring and protective father who does not wish for his child to get hurt in any way. Yes, I understand, from where he stood, I must look like a deranged woman who seems to be on a self-defeated mission.

But I remember the words of my Teacher well and clearly. Especially when HE said, "Success is subjective. Failure is subjective."

So, this is precisely what I told my dad, "Thank you for being so concerned, daddy. I am very lucky to have a father like you who cares so much for his daughter. But it is precisely because it is hard and difficult that I chose to do this. My very training in life lies in it being hard, and I am not complaining. If it were easy and safe, then I would not have left the family business. I would have stayed. So, this is exactly what I need."

In truth, this whole journey has enriched me beyond words. I have met so many wonderful and inspiring individuals, and have learnt so much that I would not have been privy to had I stayed within my 'gilded cage'.

Who would have guessed that this spoilt over-pampered brat would have had the guts to travel all the way to Mindanao and interview ex-Muslim rebel leaders and soldiers.

Who would have imagined that this same self-absorbed cow would ever get her hands dirty and participate in building houses for the poor in the most dangerous slums of the Philippines.



Who would have guessed that I would learn so much about poverty from a real life every day hero named Tony Meloto and his legions of selfless patriots who are changing the lives of thousands in the whole of Philippines. Now, they are like my second family. (Tony is the one with the head full of white hair)

When this is all said and done, I already know what I will say.

I will say, "This is for you, Rinpoche because you gave me the wings to fly and taught me the courage to leap out of my gilded cage."


That's right.

Don't waste any more of your precious time on earth in waiting for someone else to come and save you.

You do it and define your own life. Then you would start owning your life.

Have a good night, wherever you are!

Day Three of 100 days with "If Not Now, When?" Peace Edition by H.E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche

In my last blog post, I had forgotten to mention that I started something on Monday as well.

I started taking the "Yangchen Rilbu pills".

Rinpoche explained to us that it is most beneficial and precious as it helps in improving our memory, concentration, understanding, among other things.

It is very time consuming to make as the monks had to collect many medicinal herbs in order to make these pills, and finally, blessing them with extensive prayers/mantras.

But taking these highly blessed pills are not as simple as popping it into your mouth like vitamins or candies.

It has to be taken first thing in the morning, without you having eaten or drunk anything at all. Yes, on an empty stomach. Then we have to chew it and not just swallow it whole. Once the pills are all chewed up, then we wash them down with water.

After which, we have to do the Gangloma Prayer. It is also known as the "Praise to Manjushri", and followed by the Saraswati Mantra. Saraswati is the consort of Lord Manjushri. She bestows the blessings of the arts, music, creativity and etc.

I will be doing this for a year in addition to my daily Sadhanas. We shall see if my memory improves. Hehe


Day Three of Week One: Tuesday, 23rd March 2010


No. Of Prostrations: 21 ( Check and Done! I am beginning to feel some slight aches and soreness around my shoulders and arms. Talk about being un-fit and un-healthy! )


Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done!


Physical Exercise: 35 minutes ( Yes, only managed to achieve the minimum requirement. Today was slightly hectic. My daughter, Izabella is down with a very bad viral fever. At first, te doctor suspect that she has dengue. We had to do some blood test on Izabella today. Yes, it was not a pretty sight. She was not happy but in the end, she found some courage in her weakened body and just went ahead with it. Fortunately, the tests came out negative for dengue. But that means, the viral fever is really aggressive. Izabella has been unwell since Sunday. By the way, I think it would be a good idea to start weighing myself each morning to monitor my progress, if there's any at all worth noting. )

Daily Reflection from “IF NOT NOW, WHEN?” - Ok, once again, I close my eyes and turn to a page at random. And today, it is Page 085.

Quote from Page 085 for Day Three:

" Saving does not come from an outer source, it comes from yourself. 

If you blame others for everything wrong in your life, you give control over your life to them. If you control your life, you cannot blame others."





My personal thoughts and feelings:

Once again, the quotes seem to reflect what is going on with my situation on a day to day basis.

It is rather unbelievable.

These words are actually some of my personal favourites.

I remember a time when I used to assign the blame and responsibility to everyone else, except myself. And this always coincided with when things go wrong. Conveniently enough.

In life, things are always going to happen. Things will pop up and wreck your day or expectations of the day, etc. Whatever you think will go wrong, most likely will. Whatever you did not think will go wrong, will also eventually go wrong somehow.

Even people you know or love will at one point in time let you down in one way or another.

Well, because we hold a great deal of expectations about this or that, and everything else in between.

Secretly, deep down inside, we do imagine that we deserve to have this or that and people should be treating us with more courtesy, respect, etc. The list plays over and over again in our mind. And before you know it, we have become so petty that as if our hearts have shrunk into the size of raisins. Then our tempers will flare like the fourth of July, from 0 to 100 in less than 35 seconds.

When we realise that our own expectations and perception are flawed, then we can get through anything that life throws at us - without making it hard for ourselves and everyone around us. Its like when we sneeze, everyone else ends up catching a cold.

I am still working at my flaws as we speak.

Some day, when I grow up, I hope that I am capable of healing myself and also, capable of healing others at the same time. Then no matter who sneezes, no one else would need to catch a cold but gets a hug instead.

For now, it is 3/100 - 97 days more to go. Check and done!

Until we meet again tomorrow, here's wishing everyone a very good night to all  and sweet dreams.

Day Two of 100 days with "If Not Now, When?" Peace Edition by H.E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche

Day Two of Week One: Monday, 22nd March 2010

No. Of Prostrations: 21 ( Check and Done! )

Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done! To be honest, I was never a big fan of prayers and rituals. I used to shun pujas like a cat would shun 'bath-time'! But ever since I started doing them regularly last year, it has been very relaxing, almost therapeutic. Now, I actually look forward to sitting infront of my altar and having a personal dailogue with the Buddhas. And I end it with contemplation or meditation.

Physical Exercise: 55 minutes ( Unbelievable that I even lasted that long! I remember once when I decided to join my sisters to work out at the Gym with their personal instructor. We were just sliding into 5 minutes of the warm-up and I was already hyperventilating. It was just the warm-up!!! So, I am very glad that this time around, I did not pass out. Check and pulse still throbbing! I have survived! Yay! )

Daily Reflection from “IF NOT NOW, WHEN?” - Ok, once again, I close my eyes and turn to a page at random. And today, it is Page 075.

Quote from Page 075 for Day Two:

“When corrected, watch that your mind does not automatically cover the fault. Examine the fault deeply instead. Cultivate great appreciation that someone pointed out the fault at all. The pain you feel when someone brings your faults out in the open is small compared to the suffering you cause others with your faults.


When we say ‘I AM SORRY’ from the heart, it is not necessarily about whether we are wrong. By habituation, we might have done something to make someone unhappy. If we say sorry, it is because we are sorry that someone is unhappy.”



My personal thoughts and feelings:

OK, I have to admit that whenever I am corrected, my mind does an auto-pilot and go into a "self-cherishing mode" of "I am not wrong, you are just not right." Almost immediately after that, it would automatically go into an "attack mode". It'll persuade me pounce and assert my 'right-ness' by speaking louder and louder. Before I know it, I am actually shouting in anger and shaking my fists at everyone in sight. And after all is said and done, I would convince myself that I was the poor little victim. Yes, and then I'd take my overtly twisted mind set and myself on a long self-piteous trip.

Why do I do that time and time again?

Why am I so petrified of listening to the truth and find out that my views are wrong? What is so unbearable about being corrected, why do I flinch and crinch at the mere mention of it?

The "Self-Cherishing Mind" weaves such an insidious web. It seems that so much work is done just to hide the pain, not knowing that the pain only exists because we do not want to face the truth in the first place. If I only had the courage to face the truth each and every time, then there would be relatively very little pain to bear. In any  case, just like everything else, the pain would come to pass. Nothing lasts. What's most important is the lesson learnt.

It took me a long time before I realised that when I try to justify and cover up the fault, I am actually denying myself the opportunity to learn and improve. At the same time, I would be continuining my assaults on others and prolonging their suffering because of my own selfish desire to appear right and correct. In some cases, it could be worse, "innocent bystanders" could have gotten hurt in the process because of our anger or our inability to "own up".

If we truly care for anyone, or even for our own self development and growth as an individual, we would not allow ourselves to be the cause or reason of someone else's suffering. We certainly would not wish to continue in that behaviour and speech pattern. Because nothing good would come from it.

I am really grateful to be reminded of this teaching/lesson.

I have to continue working at this until it becomes my natural reflect - effortless.

So, have courage to face the truth, accept correction and criticism with grace, and apologise with sincerity and don't repeat the faults/mistakes anymore. Learn and remember the lessons well, Shirley.

100 days with "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" (The Peace Edition) - Assassinating the Enemy Within

So, here begins the WAR...

As I have said earlier, I am no longer going to allow the enemies within me to rule over me, crippling me from moving forward and deluding my senses into believing that not trying is a virtue, that not doing anything is the safest protection from failure.

Upon deeper reflection and even just by looking at my physique, I realised how "ill-minded" I have been. I know exactly why I start so well, but never FINISH.

I blame no one for there is only me to blame. This is all my own doing.

For those who know me very well, namely my sisters, my parents, my close friends and my Spiritual Guide, H.E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche - I have never truly worked for anything in my life.

For those who do not know me at all, well, please allow me to share with you my illustrious resume -

I am the PHD Holder in "Not Trying", the Master Degree Holder in "The Art of Procrastination" and the Honoured Graduate of "Self-Indugence" with a major in "Self-Pity".

Get an idea of what I am now?

See what I am dealing with here? That's exactly what I have allowed myself to descend into and become.

Hence, if it began from me, it can end from me. Therefore, I am going to do something that will yield sustainable and lasting results which will speak for themselves. More importantly, it will help me cultivate a whole new set of habits - positive habits, I might add, into my daily life. 

In Christianity, there are many books designed for Daily Reflections and I have always thought them to be most wonderful. And so I am going to use one of my most favourite books in the world as my book of Daily Reflections to accompany me in this Assassination of my enemy within.

This book is going to be my daily bible for the next 100 days, and the book is "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" by H.E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche.

So, this is my game plan -

Timeline: 100 days

Target to be Assassinated: Queen of Sloth and the Knight of Vanity who reside in the mind of Shirley Maya Tan

Weapon: A Daily Regime, to be administered with discipline, commitment and consistency - absolutely no breaks

Variables Allowed: ONLY Ingredients to be added to raise the level at every phase fort he duration of 100 days. These will be announced on each Sunday of the week.

Bible of Daily Reflections: IF NOT NOW, WHEN? By H.E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche.
I will close my eyes and pick a page at random to read. Most importantly, I must contemplate about the words and write my own thoughts and feelings about it.

While I am doing all the above, I must also continue with everything else that I am doing and must do them all without complaining or whining. Even if my work load increases and even when I travel, I must continue. No excuses.

Absolutely no breaks allowed. If I do have the utter bad luck of not even remembering or have "accidentally" forgotten about doing all the above, then I have to "pay back" by doing everything twice the amount on the following day.

Yes, this is for me.

Yes, I want to do this for me.

So, let it rip!


WEEK ONE

Date: Sunday 21st March 2010

Daily Regime: 21 Prostrations, Daily Sadhanas (by hook or crook) with Black Tea Offering, 15 minutes of meditation and a minimum of 35 minutes in physical exercise.

Daily Reflection from "If Not Now, When?" -

Ok, here we go. I close my eyes and pick out a page at random. Page 083.

OMG!!!!!! You wouldn't believe what it says on page 083 and I seriously picked it out at random.

I did not choose it.

IT CHOSE ME to read out loud.

The words run on two page and there are no photographs on either side, when most of the pages have photographs on at least one page. This being a coffee table book and all. Would you believe it?

How "uncanny"!

I wonder if Rinpoche has a camera installed in this book and Rinpoche is trying to teach me a lesson.

Ok, here are the words from page 083. Read and believe -

" WHEN WE WANT TO GET SOMETHING, ACQUIRE OR ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING WITH LASTING RESULTS, THERE ARE MANY WAYS AND LEVELS TO ATTRACT IT.


IF IT IS BY LOOKS, THEN WE NEED TO BE DISCIPLINED IN DIET AND EXERCISE, ETC.


IF IT IS BY KNOWLEDGE, THEN WE NEED TO PUT EFFORT INTO STUDYING.


IF IT IS BY WEALTH, WE NEED TO MAKE A LOT OF PERSONAL SACRIFICE AND WORK HARD OVER A PERIOD OF TIME.


IF IT IS BY A KIND HEART AND MATURITY, THEN WE HAVE TO MENTALLY TRAIN OURSELVES THROUGH AWARENESS, PRACTICE AND CONSISTENCY.


WHATEVER THE METHOD, EFFORT WITH RESULTS IS THE KEY.


WHEN WE DO THINGS CONTINUOUSLY AND WITH EFFORT, THERE WILL BE RESULTS.


WHEN WE DO IT SPORADICALLY, OUR RESULTS WILL BE SPORADIC.


IF WE ONLY GO TO THE GYM ONCE EVERY SIX MONTHS, WE WILL LOOK LIKE WE ONLY GO TO THE GYM ONCE EVERY SX MONTHS.


IF WE ONLY DRIVE BY A GYM ONCE EVERY SIX MONTHS, WE WILL LOOK LIKE WE ONLY DRIVE BY A GYM ONCE EVERY SIX MONTHS.


SIMILARLY, IF WE MEDITATE, FOCUS, PRACTISE AND CONTROL OUR MINDS WITH THE DHARMA EVERY SINGLE DAY, WE WILL LOOK LIKE WE CONTROL OUR MINDS. WE WILL LOOK LIKE WE ARE PRACTISING THE DHARMA.


WE WILL SEE TRANSFORMATION." 


Wow - what can I say? Even the book is sending me a message and for those out there who do not believe that I did pick it out at random, that is just too bad. But that is not important to me right now - whether readers believe or not. What matters is that I believe because this is my path to transforming myself into a better person. This is not about impressing some cynical reader or anyone. No offence.

What I write in here, is essentially, a personal sharing. And yes, it is all very personal because you are reading and witnessing my journey as I go through them and experience them.

As with all the comments which I have received, I truly appreciate them. I know I am not good at replying to all, but they are taken to heart and mind. And I do sincerely value them. So, I do sincerely thank those who have taken the time and trouble to write to me and in this blog.

A BIG THANK YOU!

Frankly, I am not even sure who reads whatever I write in here. I can only hope that it does offer some help, or at the very least, provides some sort of entertainment. So, let's get back to my daily reflection before I digress too much.

I am actually deeply moved by the words on page 083. For those who actually have the book, please turn to that page and read it as well. Yup, they are all there.

I have always been sporadic. It could very well be my middle name. Yea, imagine Shirley Sporadic Tan instead of Shirley Maya Tan.

In the past, I would only exert enough effort to create an impressive start but I did not or do not want to exert more effort to achieve a successful FINISH. And seriously, everyone only remembers how a game ends. No one really remembers how it begins, because the finish "seals" the results.

Even on a physical level, I know I can look better and feel much better if only I commit myself to working out consistently. But I won't and I don't. I shun exercise as strongly as I shun the morning sun each day, reminding me that's really time for me to get out of bed.

To the one point that even my personal trainer felt so bad about taking my money because she said that I was wasting my money and her time. I wasted the effort that I had put in at the beginning of the training but did not follow through. I am just surprised that she hasn't given up on me yet.

This is what I did instead - I would rather starve myself on really desperate days to lose the weight or cut down on my meals and snacks.

But what I won't do is the obvious thing - just exercise and get healthy. And the gym is just downstairs since I am living in a nice condo with good facilities. But I will not even do just that.

Imagine how lazy to the core the Queen of Sloth is and then she has the Knight of Vanity poking at her side saying, "you have a photo shoot coming up. You got to look good."

So, I'll pop in a couple more chocolates into my mouth and say, "its ok, I won't eat dinner later."

And this runs the same with just about everything else in my last life. Yes, I call it the last life because things are going to be very much different from here on.

It took me a long while to dig deep and un-earth the true enemies. I am very fortunate that I have a lot of help, especially with the guidance of a caring Spiritual Teacher.

But imagine those who don't and they will not even hear of it. They will shun every word that starts with Spiritual, Transformation and Surrender.

They go round and round in circles, deluding themselves into thinking that every retail therapy would ease their pain or the alcohol would numb their senses and the list goes on. But trust me, when it is all quiet and no one is around, you will realise that the pain never goes away. It gets bigger and louder and deeper. Then it starts to gnaw at you from the inside out.

Yes, I should talk because I have been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and even got a tattoo just to prove that I have "suffered".

So, when I read those words on page 083 from IF NOT NOW, WHEN?, I cried.

The truth hurts.

But I am not going to just sit around and feel sorry for myself any minute longer. That would be glorifying it, if not, justifying it a little too much.

So, I am going to get up and finish what I am supposed to do as spelled out in my daily regime and get on with more pressing matters and important tasks at hand.

Tomorrow will be day two. A countdown to the next 100 days. For now, it is 1/100.


p/s For those who are waiting for the Part Two of  my short story: Woman, Whore, Wife & Spirituality - yes, I am working on it. Not abandoning it in the least!

Have a wonderful Sunday, everybody!

Woman, Wife, Whore & Spirituality - Part One

Realization came, late and still unwelcomed.

I am not present.

Not in my newly renovated apartment, not eating dinner in my parents' house, not checking my daughter's homework and finding out how she is coping in her new school. Not involved with my dad's companies. Not catching up with my close friends in Bangsar. Not madly rushing from the airport to another meeting.

I could walk the streets day and night, country to country, looking for some clues in every corner, in every person, and in every open arms. I could knock on every single door, apologetic and inquisitive, and I still wouldn’t find any remnant of a real answer.

I am simply not here.

Here is where I have been avoiding all my life.

I could be found everywhere else but here, because here is where everything will come to light. So, I yearned to be away from everyone and everything that would reflect the starkness of the truth.

I am still stuck in that place, somewhere between awakening and nostalgia, crying my goodbyes, on the balcony of revelations, unable or unwilling to let go of the railings, to see what lies ahead and what had come to pass.

My absence hangs over me like a dreaded gloom. Like the certainty that I lost when I decided to escape. I walk around looking for a ghost. Not anyone's, but mine. The ghost of a person I used to be before it all started. Or during. Dozens of people I have made myself into, with unrestraint disguises, creative excuses, innovative facades, utmost indifference. All of them are still evident, here, in Bangsar, in London, and in all the places which I have ever went to. And the latest version of me, created by my abject absence, is trying to find all of them, the different episodes of the same story, and put them back together. I’ve met some of them in the last two months.

I found March 1992, sitting in London’s Harvard Court, all dizzy and drenched with euphoria. She had just turned 21 and lost her veiled innocence to some American bloke. She thought that her feminine shackles have been broken at long last and she could taste freedom in whatever size or colour. No longer would her worth as a woman be measured by what laid between her legs. Or so she thought.

April 1996 was standing outside my old house in Oklahoma, checking out her new toys. She had just opened her dance club in the city and made some money. So, she bought herself things she did not need but wanted to keep at hand just so they could assert her status in life. She winked at me and showed off her Porsche 968 Convertible, her Harley Davidson Fat Boy and Range Rover. At the corner of her garage was a Jet Ski.

Men of all ages and colours were fawning over August 1996. Even women were throwing themselves at her. For the lack of a better word, she was spoilt for choice. There was this constant self-indulgent grin on her face. She was the epitomy of HIP PARTY CHICK.

January 1998 was quite perplexed. She saw death and life in that one month. Her grandfather had passed away quite suddenly, but a boy had knelt down on one knee in the airport, and proposed to her. While her eyes mourned, her heart leapt for joy.

April 1998 was crying frantically, constantly pressing the redial button. Her fiance haven’t spoken with her for two days. From what I understood, both of them have had a really big fight. She couldn’t understand what was taking him so long to come back from Vancouver, and entertained the thought that perhaps he might have had second thoughts.

I saw July 1999 crouching in a corner. She whispered, “It’s been 4 months into our marriage, and I am still learning. Sometimes, I feel quite helpless. I don’t know what goes on in his head sometimes. At nights, we sit in bed, he is reading and I am writing. It seems that we just go about our business quietly, careful not to disturb one another. And I fear that the silence does not equate to any sort of peace”.

I bumped into a frazzled December 1999. “I miss him”, she said, and then, with a sheepish smile, she confessed: “We are expecting our first child next March”.

May 2000 was prancing up and down with anxiety. She said that the baby has helped in keeping her really busy. She said that her husband comes home very late from work these days. And that he has to eat dinner alone, and that the both of you hardly talk and share anymore. Physical intimacy has evolved into playing with the baby together, and she putting plasters on his back.

I came across September 2000 lying in bed, all clenched up. She was mumbling, “I am a terrible mother and wife. No one believes me, but I know, deep down inside, I know the truth. If I were so good, our lives wouldn’t be like this. This is a nightmare!”

I was not surprised to bump into February 2002 standing almost steel-like infront of the Judge at the Divorce Courts. She saw me from the corner of her eyes. I was certain she did see me, but she did not flinch or move a muscle. Her eyes were fixed at the Judge and answered, "Yes".

October 2003 was a sight of wreckage. She didn’t want to talk at all. She had just buried her beloved grandmother and had not come out of her room for 5 days.

I suggested a reunion, a meeting to discuss our situation. They all dismissed it as a very bad idea, and have avoided me ever since.

I suspect that, each in their own way, blame me for what has happened. For not holding on to the good times, for letting things get this bad, for not believing in love enough, or believing in it too much. They don’t want to be reunited, because we don’t belong in the same place. We all exist in different times, different dimensions. We no longer have anything in common with one another. They consider me a completely alien being. If they are the chapters of our story, I am the epilogue. I am the conclusion, one that they wouldn’t have come to understand themselves. To each of them, I am an abstract term. Impossible to define. So, it’s true what they say about the past being a foreign country. Indeed, we do things so differently there.

Hence, my absence is much stronger than my presence.

There were times when I used to sleep next to a warm body, and I had never felt more alone. But the times when I began sleeping on my own, I started to feel the space and freedom I have been yearning for.

In the strangest way, my absence is with me all the time. It has ways of making itself known – just like the jingling of keys to my new home, the turn of the door knob to an empty place when my daughter goes off to stay with her father, the smell of the hotel room in each country during my business travels, the scent of innocence that once was – they all announced the presence of my absence.

At night, I sleep on the right side of the bed. Though I’ve tried my hardest to move towards the middle, to make most of the unexpected space, I still lie on my allocated side, careful not to disturb my absence, sound asleep next to me.

And in the daytime, I walk around the streets and talk to myself. Together, we try to figure it out. So far, we haven’t been successful. The issues we concern ourselves with, are painful ones.

Could this be, as my absence said, our destiny? And in that case, can destiny be bad for you? Could one choose happiness over fate, or would that be considered blasphemy?

My absence follows me down paths none of us have been before. Every now and then, it smiles a smile that implies superiority that seems to confirm the pointlessness of these walks and talks. Sometimes, when everything goes quiet for a while, I can hear it talking to me.

“What are you doing?” It asks. “Why are you pretending to be looking for answers, when we both know who you are really trying to find?”

(To be continued...)