THE NEW LEAF

Turning over a new leaf is a term many of us are familiar with. But how do you turn over a new leaf when you don't even know yourself well and true?

I guess this is why they say it is a journey that never ends.

We just keep discovering, learning, growing and evolving.
After all, if nothing stays the same and everything changes, how can we be using the old ideas or solutions and expect to resolve current problems or challenges with them.

We have experienced both good and bad times, even nightmares. And we probably will experience much more as we go along. There will be darkest of nights and the brightest of days. We can't hold onto any great moments of our lives, even if we tried.

BUT there are some things that will not change and may be, should not change - no matter what happens. And these are our values and virtues - our strengths, our courage, determination, resilience and etc.

I have come to realise that humankind is definitely made to be destroyed, because we are so vulnerable and fragile. In addition, we also have an expiry date. Although we may not know when that will happen. So, it is inevitable that we will be destroyed in the end. However, we need not be defeated in the whole process.

To be defeated is our choice and lies in our attitude of the mind. We may not be able to control the time of our eventual destruction, but we can definitely control how we will not be defeated while we are still alive and breathing.

As Ernest Hemingway puts it so beautifully, "A man can be destroyed but not defeated."

From here on, I choose life.

Hence, I shall not give in and be defeated.

This is the new leaf I shall turn over. A non-defeatist attitude of mind and spirit.

When Darkness Falls

"Dearest, I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that – everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. V"

V stands for Virginia Woolf.

The above is written by Virginia Woolf. It was to become her last written words - her suicide note to her husband.

On 28th March 1941, Virginia put on her overcoat and filled the pockets with stones. 

Then she walked to River Ouse which was near her home and drowned herself.

Virginia's body was not found until 18th April 1941.

It was probably something like this -

The above are the opening scenes to the movie: "THE HOURS". The movie had a powerful cast of amazing women: Meryl Streep, Nicole Kidman and Julianne Moore. It remains one of my most favourite movies of all time. In "THE HOURS", Nicole Kidman delivered her most memorable role as "Virginia Woolf" and won the Best Actress Academy Award.

Virginia Woolf was not an easy woman to understand, and was an even more difficult woman to live with. To give you some idea of what it she was like, here is an excerpt from http://www.kirjasto.sci.fi/vwoolf.htm 

Woolf's mood swings, depression, physical ailments, headaches, and other symptoms are in current phychiatric parlance considered "psychosomatic", which include the so-called neurasthenic syndromes. Much of her writing reflected her inner conflicts. Woolf developed innovative literary techniques in order to reveal women's experience and find an alternative to the dominating views of reality. In her essay 'Mr. Bennett and Mrs. Brown' Woolf argued that John Galsworthy, H.G. Wells and other realistic English novelist dealt in surfaces but to get underneath these surfaces one must use less restricted presentation of life, and such devices as stream of consciousness and interior monologue and abandon linear narrative. Marital disappointments and frustrations she often dealt ironically. In To the Lighthouse Woolf wrote: "So that is marriage, Lily thought, a man and a woman looking at a girl throwing a ball."

She was indeed a very tormented woman, despite how talented she was.

Virginia had insisted that she was always alone in her suffering. That no matter how much her husband and friends cared about her, none of them could join her in her torment. None of them could save her. It was all in her mind and she alone could only save her.

The sad truth is, no matter how much we are loved and adored by others, none of that can compensate for the hole inside us. 

In the quietness of our mind 

We are all alone with the noises. 

We never allow the pain to leave us

Even as we grow into adulthood

We do not let our suffering go

Only happy to revive the misery

Repeatedly in our mind

We still have to face the hours

All alone...

This is the real maddening suffering that we inflict upon ourselves every day. 

Compressed, compounded by the various memories  of our past, our childhood, not moving past those moments. Each person we meet, every situation we get ourselves into, and if any of it even remotely reminds us of our pains, our sufferings, we are immediately transported back to that very spot or that very moment where it all began. And then, everything else start to culminate within us, like an uncontrollable wave - carrying all sorts of emotions and memories, churning into a vortex. Then it happens, we become overwhelmed. It is no longer about the matter at hand anymore, nor the person standing infront of us - it is everything that has led to this moment because we are still hanging onto every shred of painful memory - unwilling and unable to let them go. 

It is funny how we allow our pains and suffering to mould us and define us more than our virtues, strengths and hopes. 

This is why they say, HELL IS A STATE OF MIND AND NOT A PLACE.

When darkness falls, we can choose to allow the darkness to engulf us or choose to swim the surface. But we cannot rise above when we are unwilling to face the truth. Yes, sometimes it is scary and painful to face the truth, whatever it may be. But do we truly want to remain as prisoners of our own pain for the rest of our lives? Do we want to carry these baggages of insufferable torment like they are glorious trophies? Are we only eulogized by our suffering?


Sad to say, some people will never go past their misery and affliction. Because some people actually think and believe that without their suffering, they are nothing. 


These people believe that their suffering becomes them. As if without the anguish, they would become non-existent or even worthless. 

As much as HELL is a state of mind, the same applies for HEAVEN or HAPPINESS.


And that is what I keep telling myself and my friends who seem to be drowning in their sea of pain. I once swam in that very same sea too. But even as a former dweller of that sea, I still could not pull them out of that familiar horrid water. Then I realised, having been in that ocean of suffering does not make me a capable saviour or helper. Just because I have been there and done similar things, do not make me better equipped to help anyone. Having courage alone, without real knowledge is useless. Having knowledge and experience but without compassion is also hopeless.


Just because we know the ways to help, may not mean we care to help. It certainly does not mean that we would be willing to dive that deep into the darkness in order to save another.


Likewise, wanting to help and caring to help without having the wisdom of the right methods is also a suicide mission. Because we do not know the best ways to help, we might end up causing more harm than good if we jump into the depths. We may end up killing the person we want to help and ourselves in the process.


In Buddhism, we stress the importance of having both the compassion and wisdom in union. One cannot exist without the other. Now, I am beginning to understand why.


Without wisdom, we cannot determine which is the most beneficial method to employ in helping someone and what's the dosage in applying the medication. Hence, our methods could be wrong and is not tailored according to that being in question. It is like a doctor who mis-diagnose a patient.


Without compassion, we will not care to help any being even though we may possess the knowledge and expertise. We will not go the extra mile or beyond our comfort zones. We will hesitate when we stand at the edge of the cliff and stare into the depths. We will not be moved to aid anyone without agenda, willingly and happily.


Sylvia Plath 
Ernest Hemingway
Anne Sexton
Elise Cowen
Yukio Mishima
Hunter S. Thompson
Jean Amery
Iris Chang
Kurt Cobain
Vincent van Gogh
Alexander McQueen
Leslie Cheung 


The names above are very talented people who have left our world by taking their own lives. And it is scary how very long this list runs. The names above are all people with a great deal of talent and some have led very wealthy or luxurious lives.


At the end of the day, nothing external can compensate for all that is missing or lacking internally.


Yes, we are a frail and vulnerable species in many ways. 


But we always have a choice.


We can find strength in our own frailty and vulnerability.


We can choose NOT TO GIVE UP even if we fall many times.


In falling down and getting up, we become stronger.


In admitting our own mistakes, facing our own failures and flaws, we grow within.


Above all, understand that darkness is a moment in time. As there is darkness, there is also light. Night will turn into day and vice versa.


It is a cycle of life. There is no need to be afraid of the dark when you realise that you can be your own source of light. 


Learn to cultivate the light within. Then we will never be afraid of darkness ever again, no matter where we go.


For me, I have chosen Buddhism. Because this is the path and method that suit me best. I believe in it and it has helped me so much to this day.


What will be your choice of light force is entirely up to you. Just as long as you don't choose to stay in those murky muddy waters, allowing the darkness to pull you down and drown you.


Become your own saviour.


Yes, you can.


Today's version of yourself is better than yesterday's version of you. And know that tomorrow version of you will be better than today when you do not quit.

SURRENDER CAN BE GOOD

In Shakespeare's Macbeth - we see what happens to a man when his ambition becomes his obsession. It led to his damnation. Macbeth is one of the great 7 tragedies from Shakespeare. It is one of my favourite because it deals with one of the darkest afflictions of humanity - attachment.

Our attachments are no different than Macbeth's self-serving ambition. Whatever it is that we are attached to becomes our obsession. Different obsessions plague us in varying degrees. As long as we are governed by our attachments, we will never know the true meaning of freedom. 

How can we be truly free when we reside within the prisons of our attachments?

And who would know better than we, ourselves - what we are really attached to and how these attachments have led us down paths we truly regret, or the madness that goes inside our minds when we do not get what we want, etc. So, to exemplify - it is not the object that we we abstain from or renounce. It is our attachment to that object. How we react when we don't have it, what we do without it? 

Many people have the misconception that all Buddhists do is renounce and renounce. Hence, a lot of people assume that we, Buddhists, can't possibly live our lives to the fullest or even enjoy our lives in any way. Honestly, it is really not about renouncing life. It is about renouncing our very bad habits, attachments, fears and insecurities. There is a BIG difference. 

Don't just recoil because you see words like renunciation, abstinence and surrender. Understand what these words really mean and what they entail. So, in Buddhism, we may use huge words like renunciation, but the real renunciation comes from us breaking ourselves away from our attachments. 

As I learn more about Buddhism and renunciation, it invites me to look deeper into myself and discover what is it that I am really attached to. Freedom is not being happy only when we have what we want or just wanting and needing. Freedom is feeling happy and at peace, even when we don't have and we don't need to want.

Please read more about what Tsem Rinpoche explains about our attachments in here.

One of my biggest attachments revolve around yearning for approval, fame or recognition. This has led to me to do many things which I have come to regret. Most of the things I did were not things I really wanted to do. Hence, in the end, I never felt any sense of accomplishment or found any fulfillment in them. Most of the time, I'd abandon a project or task half way because I really found no meaning in them. This is just one of the many reasons as to why I have not done much in my life, and did not work for anything in my life. There are other reasons attributing to my complete lack of material success, but this is one of them. 

In the end, I realised that the only true fulfillment I received all came from doing spiritual work. Or any spiritual related work. I am not saying that this is the right path for everyone. I am only sharing my experience and discovery.

Here, I'd like to share an advice which Tsem Rinpoche gave me - 

And Shirley, if you have accomplished nothing in the material world at all for whatever reasons, let it be, accomplish everything in the spiritual world. It's not an escape or to make up or to gain face, but it's the only thing THAT REALLY MATTERS WHETHER PEOPLE ACCEPT THIS OR NOT. 

I found my deepest gratification and meaning in doing spiritual work. Truly, I have and do. Nothing comes to close to it. Everything suddenly made sense whenever I do spiritual related work. And there are going to be people and friends who will never understand or accept. And I do not expect them to either. Each of us view success differently. Each of us have different definitions of success.

I equate mine with spirituality.

There are many people who take the road less travelled and do things just very differently. Some find joy and purpose in creating a FB page on a cause or become an activist. Some find immense gratification in marrying the richest guy who will have them and settle into a life of leisure, luxury and comfort. Others may find most enjoyment out of saving animals or promoting good healthy living.

There are many different types of individuals in our world and we are all motivated by different things. I know some people who wouldn't mind giving up their entire lives to save the poor and those less fortunate like Tony Meloto and Mother Teresa. Yet there are people who would only be satisfied if they have the car, big house, wife and kids. 

There is no wrong or right.

As a parent, I would like to believe that we help our children to grow and find their own place in this world. We would not expect them to live our lives or our notion of what life should be. We can offer advice and guide, but we cannot shelter them from the mistakes they need to make in order to grow and become better.

Everyone's learning curve is also as unique. Just as everyone's pace and time to blossom and bloom are also very personal.

And if we do want to help someone or even our children, we should remember that we are helping them to become who they are meant to be, not what we think they should be. Many parents fail to see this. If we support someone or our children, support in a way that they continue to become the best of who they are meant to be - even if this may be very different from your idea of success and accomplishment. Otherwise, do not offer to help, give or support. Because if we hold any form of expectations, then we are offering to help with strings attached and with conditions. Then, this form of help and support cannot be real.

I think the above applies to everyone and every single situation - whether we choose to help or support a friend, a sibling, a family member, an organization or a charity event.

As of now, I have plans to create more causes for my spiritual journey to deepen. I love this message from Tsem Rinpoche below -

So whatever you are doing now, do not look at others on your left or right, you just look straight ahead and do it! 

I used to compare and compete.

I used to look everywhere to see where I was at.

I'd like to NOT do these things anymore and just concentrate on what I need to do and do them with the best of my ability. Most importantly, do them with all my heart.

As Tsem Tulku Rinpoche says, "So the vows are not suppose to stop you from enjoying what you like or labelling it negative..It is more the perception of what you like. The vows help you to step back and see the reality of your attachments, likes, dislikes, activities and where they bring you….And keep the music playing please…"

Seriously, I have never been happier and more at peace than I am right now.


It's really because I have found myself and understood what I want from my life. And what I want from my life, extends to all lifetimes.


If you are really a friend or if you really care about my happiness and peace, just be glad for me and rejoice that I am no longer lost and clueless.


That would be so nice and I'd appreciate that very much.


I sincerely thank every single person who has helped me, supported me and especially those, who never gave up on me.


Most importantly, I thank those who took the trouble to understand me even when I could not understand myself.


Thank you from my heart.

May the music of love, care, compassion and understanding always play on.