Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Chapter Five: EAST OF THE HEART


Chapter Five: The Great Plan

1925 – George Town, Penang

Mei Yee did not go down to the formal dining room to join Mrs. Wong and the other ladies in the household for dinner. In fact, she had not left her room since her late lunch. Ah Ping conveyed to the matriarch of the Wong family that Mei Yee was suffering from a splitting headache, and had requested to be allowed to rest in her attic room. Mrs. Wong, who was only concerned that the bride-to-be must be well and prepared for the wedding ceremony, gladly granted Mei Yee the leave of absence. She then took the liberty to arrange a light dinner to be sent up to Mei Yee.

Ah Ping knew only too well that her mistress had lost all her appetite to eat. When she returned to the attic with the dinner tray, she found Mei Yee staring out of the window. The sun had already set, leaving the sky with a charcoal grey hue. There was no wind or stars, only a melancholy stillness to accompany the devastated Mei Yee. Ah Ping did not utter a single word but quietly placed the dinner tray on the table, and left the room. She was careful not to disturb her mistress who was deep in her thoughts, and wrought up over her feelings.

As Mei Yee gazed into the darkness of the city, her mind returned to her mother in Fujian. She was still much incensed with hostility against her mother. She kept asking, WHY? WHY? WHY would her own mother do this to her? The more she questioned, the more hateful she became towards her mother. There would be no forgiveness from her. She was unrelenting. In truth, she would no longer regard herself as a part of the “Lim family”. Most of all, she would cease carrying the responsibility of honouring the family’s name. They had clearly meant to abandon her in the worst possible way. Hence, Mei Yee would reciprocate with the same renunciation. She reached into her silken pocket and took out the jade bracelet that her mother had given her before she left the village.

Ever since Mei Yee arrived in Penang, she has been holding onto the bracelet like it was a priceless treasure. She did not even dare wear the bracelet, as she felt that she was unworthy. The jade bracelet was the only connection she had to her mother and her village. So, she kept it in her pocket and only held it each time she felt homesick. However, now looking at it, she felt nothing but disgust. Mei Yee took hold of the bracelet and smashed it on the windowpane. The crackling sounds reverberated with Mei Yee’s shattered heart. Then Mei Yee flung the broken pieces of the jade out of the window. That very ritual sealed her status as an orphan. She then erased all the memories of her past. She made a vow that she would not shed another tear for as long as she lived.

The very next morning when Ah Ping came to the room with a breakfast tray, she announced that Mrs. Wong had excused Mei Yee for the entire day. Mrs. Wong wanted to make sure that her soon-to-be daughter-in-law was well rested. Mei Yee was thankful for not having to appear before the rest of the ladies in the family. She still did not know how to face Ai Ling and Sun Lee. Knowing what she knew now, she could not bring herself to be in the same room as the two women. Despite how much she could feel their contempt for her, she felt she deserved every ounce of it.

“I need you to do something very important for me, Ah Ping.” Mei Yee said in a somber tone. 
   
Ah Ping’s heart skipped a beat. This was the first time she has ever heard her mistress speak in such a grave voice. Instantly, she stopped clearing the breakfast tray and stood still.

“Yes, mistress Mei Yee. What would you like me to do for you?” Ah Ping was almost afraid to hear her mistress’s answer.

“There is no one here that I trust, but you. I need you to promise me that you will do this for me and you will not tell a single soul.” Mei Yee stared hard at her personal attendant friend.

Ah Ping kept silent but nodded her head.

“Can I really count on you, Ah Ping?” Mei Yee asked firmly.

Ah Ping nodded again, without saying a word.

“I mean it. You cannot tell anyone, and you must do exactly as I tell you. You promise?” Mei Yee insisted.

Ah Ping finally replied, “Yes. I promise, mistress.”

“Good. I am really counting on you. So, please do not let me down.” Mei Yee said seriously.

“I will not let you down, mistress. I really promise.” Ah Ping assured her mistress.

“All right. I believe you. Now, this is what I want you to do for me.” Mei Yee said and pulled Ah Ping closer to her. She proceeded to whisper her instructions into Ah Ping’s ears.

Before Mei Yee could finish her sentences, Ah Ping’s face turned white. She looked at her mistress in disbelief.

“But mistress…” Ah Ping began, but Mei Yee stopped her from speaking further.

“It is what I want you to do and you already promised me that you will carry it out for me. So, please save your words. Say no more. Just do the deed as I have instructed.” Mei Yee was adamant.

Ah Ping was too shocked to move or blink. She continued to stare at her mistress with fear in her eyes.

“This is really what I want. So, please go now and get it done for me. I shall wait for your return. Again, remember not a word to anyone about this.” Mei Yee warned Ah Ping.

As Ah Ping did not budge, Mei Yee stood up from the chair and pushed her out of the door.

“Do not come back until you have got it. Please make sure that no one sees you. Wrap it carefully in your handkerchief. Now, go!” With those words, Mei Yee closed the door behind Ah Ping.

The young personal attendant stood outside her mistress’s door for a while. She did not know what she should do, but she had already made a promise. Thus, she must fulfill that promise. After she had gathered herself, she walked towards the small door and disappeared into the network of stairs and alleys behind the walls. She headed towards the direction of the main kitchen. Despite how deeply perplexed she felt, Ah Ping knew that she had to make good on her promise to her mistress. So, she walked silently with tears running down her face.

The sun had risen directly above the Wong mansion, casting a scorching heat upon all its inhabitants. It was exactly noon sharp when Ah Ping returned to the attic. This time, she brought a tray containing a teapot and two small teacups. Mei Yee had been waiting for her anxiously. When she saw Ah Ping, she immediately pulled her to the middle of the room.

“Have you got what I asked you to bring? “ Mei Yee asked eagerly.

“Yes, but…” Before Ah Ping could finish her sentence, Mei Yee directed her to show the requested item.

Ah Ping gave a heavy sigh and reached into her pocket. She took out a carefully wrapped handkerchief. There was something inside it. Together, the two ladies stood staring at the object in Ah Ping’s hand.

“Are you sure this is it?” Mei Yee had to be certain. There was no room for mistakes.

“Yes, I extracted it myself from the kitchen storage.” Ah Ping explained.

“And no one saw you in all this time?” Mei Yee asked nervously.

“No one saw me.” Ah Ping replied with sadness.

“Good. Very good. Thank you for doing this for me. I am very grateful. Now, please leave the handkerchief on the tray and go. I need to be alone.” Mei Yee spoke in her serious tone again.

Ah Ping did not want to leave and yet she knew that it was pointless in staying. Her mistress had made up her mind and there was nothing she could say or do. A part of her felt responsible for what her mistress was about to do.

Sensing Ah Ping’s reluctance to depart from the room, Mei Yee said, “I do thank you for everything that you have done for me, Ah Ping. You are the only person who has been kind to me without asking for anything in return. I wish there was a way I could repay you, but it has to be in another lifetime. You must leave me now. Thank you again.”

Tears started swelling in Ah Ping’s eyes again. She could not help herself. Mei Yee walked towards the crying girl and embraced her like a sister would.

“There now. Don’t be silly. Everything will be fine after this. Don’t cry anymore.” Mei Yee said gently.

Ah Ping held Mei Yee tightly and sobbed even more. After she had recovered, Mei Yee reminded her that it was time to go. Silently, Ah Ping walked out of the attic room and collapsed outside the door. She buried her head between her knees and continued to cry uncontrollably.

Inside the room, Mei Yee was re-arranging the tray to face her. She admired the pretty china teapot and teacups. Mrs. Wong certainly had a refined taste in everything she bought. The blue intricate designs on the china suggested an artistic influence of the Ming dynasty. Hence, they must have been very expensive. The Wongs would certainly not use anything less.

Mei Yee smiled as she poured the tea into the two cups. Then with great care, she unwrapped the handkerchief. Nestled in the white cotton fabric, was a folded piece of pink paper. After spreading out the paper, she could see the white powder. Ah Ping had delivered her promise, and brought the rat poison to Mei Yee.

Such a small amount it was, but fatal enough to kill a buffalo, Mei Yee mused.

Mei Yee lifted the pink paper and dropped the powder into one of the teacups. Nothing was wasted. Everything dissolved into the tea instantly.

Before her, sat the two beautiful teacups – one was filled with an ordinary Oolong tea, and the other was drenched in rat poison.

Mei Yee had two options laid out in front of her.



Option one – drink the ordinary Oolong tea and get married in less than 2 weeks. Her husband would never really be her husband in every sense of the word. In fact, she may not even see much of her husband. They may never be in the same room if Mrs. Wong had her way. From the wedding night onwards, Mei Yee would have to surrender to the fact that she was to be desecrated by her husband’s elder brothers. They each would take their turn in violating her until she was pregnant with child. However, if the child she bore was not a male child then the process would be repeated until the profane mission was accomplished. She would have to continue living in the household pretending that it was all a natural course of propagation, and not some repulsive fornication. She would have to look at the grim faces of her sisters-in-law every single day and feign her innocence in the whole marital charade. As long as Mei Yee complied with the Wong family, she would live in the confines of opulence, abundance and extravagance. She would never have to worry about not having enough to eat or wear. Mrs. Wong would ensure that everything would be provided for her. However, the real question remained tugging at her mind. Could she really live every day of the rest of her life like that? And if she could not and would not, then she would have to seriously consider the second teacup.

Option two – drink the rat poison infused tea and die instantly. Her life would end and everything would stop here. There would be no wedding, no husband and no dishonoring of her entire being by her husband’s brothers. There would be no future, no fear, and no shame. Along with those, there would also be the death of her hopes and dreams. She would not have any opportunity to make something of herself. Most of all, there would be no chance at real happiness and a life worth living. All would be lost and denied from the moment her last breath left her body. Could she really condemn herself to a life cut short due to the offensive circumstances? Would she not regret? More than anything else, all Mei Yee wanted was a chance – a chance to live a life defined by her own terms. Could she really go through with killing herself? Did she really want to die in the first place?

Mei Yee sat for what seemed like an eternity, staring at the two teacups. Each presented two very different and frightening paths. Yet that was all she had. There was nothing else left for her. Both of the options were variations of Hell – one was on earth and the other would take place in the after-life. None of them were good enough, but what could she do?

Unwilling to abdicate the possibility of a better future for herself, she hacked into the deep recesses of her mind and forced herself to think very hard. She desperately needed a third option. Is there one to be found?

Then it hit her. 

The third option uncloaked the confusion in her mind. It came to her like a flash of lightning. 

The third option showed her what she had to do. If she planned it well and did it right, she would have a chance. Within Mei Yee, hope began to simmer.

Option Three was a real possibility. Option Three meant hope and a pathway to her dreams. 

Mei Yee decided to choose Option Three.

Without a second thought, Mei Yee knocked down the two teacups before her and stood up triumphantly.

Ah Ping heard the strange noises from outside the door. She feared the worst had happened. So, she quickly rushed into the room and was surprised to find that her mistress was very much alive. She did not quite understand what had transpired, but was extremely relieved to know that her mistress had chosen not to proceed with the suicide.

Mei Yee smiled at Ah Ping. It was no ordinary smile. Optimism was rising in the horizon, and she was ready to seize it. It was time to plan something great. 



To be continued in Chapter Six….

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

When Darkness Falls


"Dearest, I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that – everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. V"

V stands for Virginia Woolf.

The above is written by Virginia Woolf. It was to become her last written words - her suicide note to her husband.

On 28th March 1941, Virginia put on her overcoat and filled the pockets with stones. 
Then she walked to River Ouse which was near her home and drowned herself.

Virginia's body was not found until 18th April 1941.

It was probably something like this -



The above are the opening scenes to the movie: "THE HOURS". The movie had a powerful cast of amazing women: Meryl Streep, Nicole Kidman and Julianne Moore. It remains one of my most favourite movies of all time. In "THE HOURS", Nicole Kidman delivered her most memorable role as "Virginia Woolf" and won the Best Actress Academy Award.

Virginia Woolf was not an easy woman to understand, and was an even more difficult woman to live with. To give you some idea of what it she was like, here is an excerpt from http://www.kirjasto.sci.fi/vwoolf.htm 

Woolf's mood swings, depression, physical ailments, headaches, and other symptoms are in current phychiatric parlance considered "psychosomatic", which include the so-called neurasthenic syndromes. Much of her writing reflected her inner conflicts. Woolf developed innovative literary techniques in order to reveal women's experience and find an alternative to the dominating views of reality. In her essay 'Mr. Bennett and Mrs. Brown' Woolf argued that John Galsworthy, H.G. Wells and other realistic English novelist dealt in surfaces but to get underneath these surfaces one must use less restricted presentation of life, and such devices as stream of consciousness and interior monologue and abandon linear narrative. Marital disappointments and frustrations she often dealt ironically. In To the Lighthouse Woolf wrote: "So that is marriage, Lily thought, a man and a woman looking at a girl throwing a ball."


She was indeed a very tormented woman, despite how talented she was.


Virginia had insisted that she was always alone in her suffering. That no matter how much her husband and friends cared about her, none of them could join her in her torment. None of them could save her. It was all in her mind and she alone could only save her.

The sad truth is, no matter how much we are loved and adored by others, none of that can compensate for the hole inside us. 





In the quietness of our mind 
We are all alone with the noises. 
We never allow the pain to leave us
Even as we grow into adulthood
We do not let our suffering go
Only happy to revive the misery
Repeatedly in our mind
We still have to face the hours
All alone...




This is the real maddening suffering that we inflict upon ourselves every day. 
Compressed, compounded by the various memories  of our past, our childhood, not moving past those moments. Each person we meet, every situation we get ourselves into, and if any of it even remotely reminds us of our pains, our sufferings, we are immediately transported back to that very spot or that very moment where it all began. And then, everything else start to culminate within us, like an uncontrollable wave - carrying all sorts of emotions and memories, churning into a vortex. Then it happens, we become overwhelmed. It is no longer about the matter at hand anymore, nor the person standing infront of us - it is everything that has led to this moment because we are still hanging onto every shred of painful memory - unwilling and unable to let them go. 

It is funny how we allow our pains and suffering to mould us and define us more than our virtues, strengths and hopes. 

This is why they say, HELL IS A STATE OF MIND AND NOT A PLACE.





When darkness falls, we can choose to allow the darkness to engulf us or choose to swim the surface. But we cannot rise above when we are unwilling to face the truth. Yes, sometimes it is scary and painful to face the truth, whatever it may be. But do we truly want to remain as prisoners of our own pain for the rest of our lives? Do we want to carry these baggages of insufferable torment like they are glorious trophies? Are we only eulogized by our suffering?


Sad to say, some people will never go past their misery and affliction. Because some people actually think and believe that without their suffering, they are nothing. 


These people believe that their suffering becomes them. As if without the anguish, they would become non-existent or even worthless. 








As much as HELL is a state of mind, the same applies for HEAVEN or HAPPINESS.


And that is what I keep telling myself and my friends who seem to be drowning in their sea of pain. I once swam in that very same sea too. But even as a former dweller of that sea, I still could not pull them out of that familiar horrid water. Then I realised, having been in that ocean of suffering does not make me a capable saviour or helper. Just because I have been there and done similar things, do not make me better equipped to help anyone. Having courage alone, without real knowledge is useless. Having knowledge and experience but without compassion is also hopeless.


Just because we know the ways to help, may not mean we care to help. It certainly does not mean that we would be willing to dive that deep into the darkness in order to save another.


Likewise, wanting to help and caring to help without having the wisdom of the right methods is also a suicide mission. Because we do not know the best ways to help, we might end up causing more harm than good if we jump into the depths. We may end up killing the person we want to help and ourselves in the process.


In Buddhism, we stress the importance of having both the compassion and wisdom in union. One cannot exist without the other. Now, I am beginning to understand why.


Without wisdom, we cannot determine which is the most beneficial method to employ in helping someone and what's the dosage in applying the medication. Hence, our methods could be wrong and is not tailored according to that being in question. It is like a doctor who mis-diagnose a patient.


Without compassion, we will not care to help any being even though we may possess the knowledge and expertise. We will not go the extra mile or beyond our comfort zones. We will hesitate when we stand at the edge of the cliff and stare into the depths. We will not be moved to aid anyone without agenda, willingly and happily.


Sylvia Plath 
Ernest Hemingway
Anne Sexton
Elise Cowen
Yukio Mishima
Hunter S. Thompson
Jean Amery
Iris Chang
Kurt Cobain
Vincent van Gogh
Alexander McQueen
Leslie Cheung 


The names above are very talented people who have left our world by taking their own lives. And it is scary how very long this list runs. The names above are all people with a great deal of talent and some have led very wealthy or luxurious lives.


At the end of the day, nothing external can compensate for all that is missing or lacking internally.


Yes, we are a frail and vulnerable species in many ways. 


But we always have a choice.


We can find strength in our own frailty and vulnerability.


We can choose NOT TO GIVE UP even if we fall many times.


In falling down and getting up, we become stronger.


In admitting our own mistakes, facing our own failures and flaws, we grow within.


Above all, understand that darkness is a moment in time. As there is darkness, there is also light. Night will turn into day and vice versa.


It is a cycle of life. There is no need to be afraid of the dark when you realise that you can be your own source of light. 


Learn to cultivate the light within. Then we will never be afraid of darkness ever again, no matter where we go.


For me, I have chosen Buddhism. Because this is the path and method that suit me best. I believe in it and it has helped me so much to this day.


What will be your choice of light force is entirely up to you. Just as long as you don't choose to stay in those murky muddy waters, allowing the darkness to pull you down and drown you.


Become your own saviour.


Yes, you can.


Today's version of yourself is better than yesterday's version of you. And know that tomorrow version of you will be better than today when you do not quit.







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