Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

AS FLEETING AS SNOW...


AS FLEETING AS SNOW...



Drapes of white purity
Burying the stark silhouette
Of what lies beneath

Sheer beauty lasts
Only a Season
Then the landscape changes yet again

As soon as it touches
The palm of your hands
It melts into obscurity

Snow falls
Then sleet thaws
Nothing is made to last forever

So, here we are
Chasing dreams and renting time
In someone else’s space

Moments like these
Are only on loan
We never know how each season fare

Standing here
A little scared
But I no longer care

When it is all OVER
I want you to know that I was with you when
I HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE.




Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Chapter Five: EAST OF THE HEART


Chapter Five: The Great Plan

1925 – George Town, Penang

Mei Yee did not go down to the formal dining room to join Mrs. Wong and the other ladies in the household for dinner. In fact, she had not left her room since her late lunch. Ah Ping conveyed to the matriarch of the Wong family that Mei Yee was suffering from a splitting headache, and had requested to be allowed to rest in her attic room. Mrs. Wong, who was only concerned that the bride-to-be must be well and prepared for the wedding ceremony, gladly granted Mei Yee the leave of absence. She then took the liberty to arrange a light dinner to be sent up to Mei Yee.

Ah Ping knew only too well that her mistress had lost all her appetite to eat. When she returned to the attic with the dinner tray, she found Mei Yee staring out of the window. The sun had already set, leaving the sky with a charcoal grey hue. There was no wind or stars, only a melancholy stillness to accompany the devastated Mei Yee. Ah Ping did not utter a single word but quietly placed the dinner tray on the table, and left the room. She was careful not to disturb her mistress who was deep in her thoughts, and wrought up over her feelings.

As Mei Yee gazed into the darkness of the city, her mind returned to her mother in Fujian. She was still much incensed with hostility against her mother. She kept asking, WHY? WHY? WHY would her own mother do this to her? The more she questioned, the more hateful she became towards her mother. There would be no forgiveness from her. She was unrelenting. In truth, she would no longer regard herself as a part of the “Lim family”. Most of all, she would cease carrying the responsibility of honouring the family’s name. They had clearly meant to abandon her in the worst possible way. Hence, Mei Yee would reciprocate with the same renunciation. She reached into her silken pocket and took out the jade bracelet that her mother had given her before she left the village.

Ever since Mei Yee arrived in Penang, she has been holding onto the bracelet like it was a priceless treasure. She did not even dare wear the bracelet, as she felt that she was unworthy. The jade bracelet was the only connection she had to her mother and her village. So, she kept it in her pocket and only held it each time she felt homesick. However, now looking at it, she felt nothing but disgust. Mei Yee took hold of the bracelet and smashed it on the windowpane. The crackling sounds reverberated with Mei Yee’s shattered heart. Then Mei Yee flung the broken pieces of the jade out of the window. That very ritual sealed her status as an orphan. She then erased all the memories of her past. She made a vow that she would not shed another tear for as long as she lived.

The very next morning when Ah Ping came to the room with a breakfast tray, she announced that Mrs. Wong had excused Mei Yee for the entire day. Mrs. Wong wanted to make sure that her soon-to-be daughter-in-law was well rested. Mei Yee was thankful for not having to appear before the rest of the ladies in the family. She still did not know how to face Ai Ling and Sun Lee. Knowing what she knew now, she could not bring herself to be in the same room as the two women. Despite how much she could feel their contempt for her, she felt she deserved every ounce of it.

“I need you to do something very important for me, Ah Ping.” Mei Yee said in a somber tone. 
   
Ah Ping’s heart skipped a beat. This was the first time she has ever heard her mistress speak in such a grave voice. Instantly, she stopped clearing the breakfast tray and stood still.

“Yes, mistress Mei Yee. What would you like me to do for you?” Ah Ping was almost afraid to hear her mistress’s answer.

“There is no one here that I trust, but you. I need you to promise me that you will do this for me and you will not tell a single soul.” Mei Yee stared hard at her personal attendant friend.

Ah Ping kept silent but nodded her head.

“Can I really count on you, Ah Ping?” Mei Yee asked firmly.

Ah Ping nodded again, without saying a word.

“I mean it. You cannot tell anyone, and you must do exactly as I tell you. You promise?” Mei Yee insisted.

Ah Ping finally replied, “Yes. I promise, mistress.”

“Good. I am really counting on you. So, please do not let me down.” Mei Yee said seriously.

“I will not let you down, mistress. I really promise.” Ah Ping assured her mistress.

“All right. I believe you. Now, this is what I want you to do for me.” Mei Yee said and pulled Ah Ping closer to her. She proceeded to whisper her instructions into Ah Ping’s ears.

Before Mei Yee could finish her sentences, Ah Ping’s face turned white. She looked at her mistress in disbelief.

“But mistress…” Ah Ping began, but Mei Yee stopped her from speaking further.

“It is what I want you to do and you already promised me that you will carry it out for me. So, please save your words. Say no more. Just do the deed as I have instructed.” Mei Yee was adamant.

Ah Ping was too shocked to move or blink. She continued to stare at her mistress with fear in her eyes.

“This is really what I want. So, please go now and get it done for me. I shall wait for your return. Again, remember not a word to anyone about this.” Mei Yee warned Ah Ping.

As Ah Ping did not budge, Mei Yee stood up from the chair and pushed her out of the door.

“Do not come back until you have got it. Please make sure that no one sees you. Wrap it carefully in your handkerchief. Now, go!” With those words, Mei Yee closed the door behind Ah Ping.

The young personal attendant stood outside her mistress’s door for a while. She did not know what she should do, but she had already made a promise. Thus, she must fulfill that promise. After she had gathered herself, she walked towards the small door and disappeared into the network of stairs and alleys behind the walls. She headed towards the direction of the main kitchen. Despite how deeply perplexed she felt, Ah Ping knew that she had to make good on her promise to her mistress. So, she walked silently with tears running down her face.

The sun had risen directly above the Wong mansion, casting a scorching heat upon all its inhabitants. It was exactly noon sharp when Ah Ping returned to the attic. This time, she brought a tray containing a teapot and two small teacups. Mei Yee had been waiting for her anxiously. When she saw Ah Ping, she immediately pulled her to the middle of the room.

“Have you got what I asked you to bring? “ Mei Yee asked eagerly.

“Yes, but…” Before Ah Ping could finish her sentence, Mei Yee directed her to show the requested item.

Ah Ping gave a heavy sigh and reached into her pocket. She took out a carefully wrapped handkerchief. There was something inside it. Together, the two ladies stood staring at the object in Ah Ping’s hand.

“Are you sure this is it?” Mei Yee had to be certain. There was no room for mistakes.

“Yes, I extracted it myself from the kitchen storage.” Ah Ping explained.

“And no one saw you in all this time?” Mei Yee asked nervously.

“No one saw me.” Ah Ping replied with sadness.

“Good. Very good. Thank you for doing this for me. I am very grateful. Now, please leave the handkerchief on the tray and go. I need to be alone.” Mei Yee spoke in her serious tone again.

Ah Ping did not want to leave and yet she knew that it was pointless in staying. Her mistress had made up her mind and there was nothing she could say or do. A part of her felt responsible for what her mistress was about to do.

Sensing Ah Ping’s reluctance to depart from the room, Mei Yee said, “I do thank you for everything that you have done for me, Ah Ping. You are the only person who has been kind to me without asking for anything in return. I wish there was a way I could repay you, but it has to be in another lifetime. You must leave me now. Thank you again.”

Tears started swelling in Ah Ping’s eyes again. She could not help herself. Mei Yee walked towards the crying girl and embraced her like a sister would.

“There now. Don’t be silly. Everything will be fine after this. Don’t cry anymore.” Mei Yee said gently.

Ah Ping held Mei Yee tightly and sobbed even more. After she had recovered, Mei Yee reminded her that it was time to go. Silently, Ah Ping walked out of the attic room and collapsed outside the door. She buried her head between her knees and continued to cry uncontrollably.

Inside the room, Mei Yee was re-arranging the tray to face her. She admired the pretty china teapot and teacups. Mrs. Wong certainly had a refined taste in everything she bought. The blue intricate designs on the china suggested an artistic influence of the Ming dynasty. Hence, they must have been very expensive. The Wongs would certainly not use anything less.

Mei Yee smiled as she poured the tea into the two cups. Then with great care, she unwrapped the handkerchief. Nestled in the white cotton fabric, was a folded piece of pink paper. After spreading out the paper, she could see the white powder. Ah Ping had delivered her promise, and brought the rat poison to Mei Yee.

Such a small amount it was, but fatal enough to kill a buffalo, Mei Yee mused.

Mei Yee lifted the pink paper and dropped the powder into one of the teacups. Nothing was wasted. Everything dissolved into the tea instantly.

Before her, sat the two beautiful teacups – one was filled with an ordinary Oolong tea, and the other was drenched in rat poison.

Mei Yee had two options laid out in front of her.



Option one – drink the ordinary Oolong tea and get married in less than 2 weeks. Her husband would never really be her husband in every sense of the word. In fact, she may not even see much of her husband. They may never be in the same room if Mrs. Wong had her way. From the wedding night onwards, Mei Yee would have to surrender to the fact that she was to be desecrated by her husband’s elder brothers. They each would take their turn in violating her until she was pregnant with child. However, if the child she bore was not a male child then the process would be repeated until the profane mission was accomplished. She would have to continue living in the household pretending that it was all a natural course of propagation, and not some repulsive fornication. She would have to look at the grim faces of her sisters-in-law every single day and feign her innocence in the whole marital charade. As long as Mei Yee complied with the Wong family, she would live in the confines of opulence, abundance and extravagance. She would never have to worry about not having enough to eat or wear. Mrs. Wong would ensure that everything would be provided for her. However, the real question remained tugging at her mind. Could she really live every day of the rest of her life like that? And if she could not and would not, then she would have to seriously consider the second teacup.

Option two – drink the rat poison infused tea and die instantly. Her life would end and everything would stop here. There would be no wedding, no husband and no dishonoring of her entire being by her husband’s brothers. There would be no future, no fear, and no shame. Along with those, there would also be the death of her hopes and dreams. She would not have any opportunity to make something of herself. Most of all, there would be no chance at real happiness and a life worth living. All would be lost and denied from the moment her last breath left her body. Could she really condemn herself to a life cut short due to the offensive circumstances? Would she not regret? More than anything else, all Mei Yee wanted was a chance – a chance to live a life defined by her own terms. Could she really go through with killing herself? Did she really want to die in the first place?

Mei Yee sat for what seemed like an eternity, staring at the two teacups. Each presented two very different and frightening paths. Yet that was all she had. There was nothing else left for her. Both of the options were variations of Hell – one was on earth and the other would take place in the after-life. None of them were good enough, but what could she do?

Unwilling to abdicate the possibility of a better future for herself, she hacked into the deep recesses of her mind and forced herself to think very hard. She desperately needed a third option. Is there one to be found?

Then it hit her. 

The third option uncloaked the confusion in her mind. It came to her like a flash of lightning. 

The third option showed her what she had to do. If she planned it well and did it right, she would have a chance. Within Mei Yee, hope began to simmer.

Option Three was a real possibility. Option Three meant hope and a pathway to her dreams. 

Mei Yee decided to choose Option Three.

Without a second thought, Mei Yee knocked down the two teacups before her and stood up triumphantly.

Ah Ping heard the strange noises from outside the door. She feared the worst had happened. So, she quickly rushed into the room and was surprised to find that her mistress was very much alive. She did not quite understand what had transpired, but was extremely relieved to know that her mistress had chosen not to proceed with the suicide.

Mei Yee smiled at Ah Ping. It was no ordinary smile. Optimism was rising in the horizon, and she was ready to seize it. It was time to plan something great. 



To be continued in Chapter Six….

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Personal Christmas Message for 2012

Over the past few years, I have literally dropped out of the social and professional radar.
Those who knew me thought that they had lost me, and those who were with me thought I had abandoned them.
In every situation, there was no pleasing everyone. Disappointments were rife, and each dispensed their own judgement on me.
Explanations seemed contrived and inadmissible. Apologies came too late, even Forgiveness turned a deaf ear.
Before the total darkness finally descended, some friendships were lost and my faith was ruptured beyond repair.
In the end, it seemed that no one cared to know me at all. They have casually forgotten that I was there, fighting by their sides, pushing the boundaries of my own limits, and above all, I DID GIVE ALL THAT I COULD GIVE at that point in time.
Still, it was not enough. It would never be enough. Enough is a vulgar word that does not exist when everyone else was depending on me to do more, and give more.
I am very sorry to confess that I could not give more as the light flickered its final glimmer.
This is how I came to the very cliff of my own limitation.
It was either jump to the death or leap and fly. However, my wings were not strong as yet to employ the winds around to help me soar further. So, into the depths, I plunged.
It was a choice I made. No one is to be blamed. That is very clear.

After having immersed myself in the service of giving to others as much as I could possibly do, I was gripped with the worst realization. The hate, anger and darkness was consuming me. What I saw all around was not hope at all, but rather, a vortex of helplessness.

How do I hold the remnants of my peace and remain committed to a loving kindness process when I was slowly eaten alive by all the choking negativity? How could I withstand the ravages of humankind without losing my own sanity?

In truth, I struggled with the overwhelming urge to pull the same trigger onto the perpetrators of crimes and violence. I hated them as much they hated humanity with a vengeance. The heart of me turned into an unrecognisable cold black hole. I had to get away from everything before I became exactly like one of them - a spitting image of evil incarnate.

How could I continue to give when everything inside me was poisoned and toxic?

And so, I did retreat and resigned from EVERYTHING. I thought it was the safest and noble thing to do. Naturally, not everyone understood. Then again, why should they? They didn't walk in my shoes, nor have they seen life through my eyes.

Again, the fault lies with me and not someone else.

It took a long while for me to collect the pieces and try to make sense again.
It took an even longer time to separate the lies from the truth.
As I regained my strength, I made a promise not to ever be ensnared by Death's sweet caressing voice, or the soft kisses of corruption.
I will believe no whisperers but take counsel from my own fighting spirit.
I will no longer run backwards, but forward.
Even if I have to stop from time to time, I know that I am doing so in order to recuperate and not indulge in laziness.
There will always be some people who will never understand me, and they may also never find it in their hearts to forgive me.
That is their prerogative, and they have every right to hold onto their views.
I will continue to try and make progress towards my dreams and goals, BUT IT WILL BE ACCORDING TO MY OWN TERMS.
I have not given up on anything, but have chosen to embrace all that is meaningful to me IN MY OWN WAY.

For those who stood by, and continued to throw a life line at my way, I thank each and every one of you with all my heart.
For those who gave up on me, I offer my deepest apology yet again and wish for all the great things to come your way as always.
For those who are still deciding, I shall leave you to your own conclusions.

To be very frank, there was a point in time last year when I thought that I could not make it out into the light again. I felt lost and empty after being stripped off the very things that I have dedicated my life to. It was a very painful and lonely place to be. Nonetheless, I know now that even that episode was absolutely necessary in my own growth as a human being who aspires to be in the service of others.

Yes, after all these years, I STILL have much to learn and a long way to go before I would evolve into the person I truly want to be. Every juncture takes us deeper and higher, only if we succeed in surviving its own massacre. With every little death, there is new life. One which is definitely stronger and brighter than the previous mould that we grew out of.


So, this Christmas I shall gleefully throw myself upon an altar of my own making, and be grateful that I have finally achieved another milestone in my journey of life. 

I would take this opportunity to thank each and every true friend and family member who held me through the last two years. They were my crutch, my cane, my wheel-chair and my life-support. I could not have done it alone, and that is for sure.

I have begun to write again, sing with a joyful heart and acquired an equilibrium of my own. I no longer compare my progress to others, nor do I wallow in the sadness of not blooming as beautifully as others.

I am a strange awkward flower which will only blossom at the coldest winter. And often, very late into the decade. 
I shall no longer make excuses for myself and retire into shame for not being able to fit into a square peg hole. I have always been a rather odd shape. Naturally, there is no point in forcing the issue.

Forgiveness may or not may come eventually. So, here, I take this opportunity to sincerely apologise to every person whom I have hurt and disappointed in any way. I am truly sorry that I did not or could not rise to the occasion when you needed me to. No matter what, you are still very much in my thoughts and prayers, as always.

There will be some places which I will make it a point to return to very soon, and re-visit frequently. However, there will be a few places which I will not return to.

I know what I made of, and what I want. I DO know what I have to do to achieve them.
Above all, I also know what I cannot do and will never do.

May this Christmas bring clarity to all and hope to those who need it most.
May every journey be challenging enough to make each one stronger, and gentle enough to comfort the pains.
May we always grow and evolve into the people we aspire to be, even if we are the latest to arrive.
Always late than never, better fall then not try at all.

May the New Year usher a brand new dawn of friendship, love, possibilities, opportunities, success and everlasting happiness. May all of the above be accomplished in your own terms, as defined by your values and beliefs.

I shall leave you all with a quote from one of my most favourite people in the world, Mr. Tony Meloto, the founder of "Gawad Kalinga". Mr. Meloto was addressing a group of graduating University students in the Philippines when he said these words. I am tweaking it to include all humankind. I hope, Papa will forgive his adopted daughter no.15 in this modification.

"Never stop hoping for your country. Never stop caring for your people. Demand greatness from yourself as a citizen of the world (as a Filipino), to inspire greatness in all others (other Filipinos)."

Most of all, never leave anyone behind in our journey in life. Everyone could use a helping hand every once in a while.

PEACE!


With folded hands and gratitude,
Shirley Maya Tan



  






Tuesday, December 11, 2012

A SNEAK PEAK INTO A DIRECTOR'S MIND

I am taking a slight digression from story posting today to share this deeply personal perspective of an extremely talented Filipino Director and friend, Erik Matti. 

Erik laments the degradation of the independent film industry in his country. However, I find that some of his words resonate with me on the state of our society at large. After all, art does imitate life to an alarming degree. I hope you will take the time to read this, as it is rather long. It is definitely a worthy read. 


By the way, Erik is one of the nicest guys I have the priviledge of knowing. He is famous for his temper and his fierce loyalty to friends and films. Please do google him and find out more. There are really many good films and Directors that will never see the light of day because mainstream movies have been hogging the cinemas across the globe. How will we ever see other points of views or enjoy the diversity that is an essential part of life?  


Rantings on the state of the indies by Erik Matti

I realized that my collection of paintings has exactly the same qualities I look for when I watch a movie. Craftsmanship, subject, honesty and a unique personal eye imbued by the artist in the world depicted in the subject of his work.

I don't have in my collection conceptual and abstract pieces. The kind that has splashes of color that matches the sofa in 
your living room or a hotel lobby. I also don't have works that has a single nail in the middle of a huge stark white painting with a thread tied to it and the end dangling with a drop of the artist's blood. Nothing wrong with these pieces if it is worthy as final piece of work. Worthy of emotional and form value that we can marvel at.

In short, I don't have a piece of painting where the rationale is more interesting than the work itself. I also don't get swayed buying a piece of work where any one with a wild imagination from 5-12 years old can put together and pass it off as art.

Nowadays, there seems to be a prevailing acceptance of conceptual films with no solid groundwork on crafting solely because of the charm the work evokes out of the struggle of the filmmaker to put the film together. Again, the story behind the filmmaker's struggle to mount such work has overshadowed the merits of the final film itself.

We all know the limitations of film production in a Third World country such as ours. Without sounding elitist in the way I feel filmmaking should be done, the task of the filmmaker aside from just evoking emotions out of abstract images or poetic dialogues is to really push the form and the medium by which he is working with.

I was asked a week ago by a magazine what i think about "why films should reflect culture". My answer was cynical. Our local films, primarily Indie movies, nowadays, certainly reflect our culture. It reflects our culture of settling down on what we can do as a nation. Our films have lost all the wanting to explore the form and to push for excellence in craftsmanship to help evoke the emotions and the ideas the film material requires. Just like our Government, we have come to believe that to settle is acceptable and that what matters is the spirit behind it even when there really is no effort whatsoever to put out a work of excellence.

The last CinemaOne Originals have reflected that whole spirit of "making do". Movies that are unfinished, masturbatory and are loosely told are deemed "acceptable given its shortcomings". Don't get me wrong here. CinemaOne as a festival is something I highly respect given its bold choices of film subjects and styles. But the filmmakers now have mostly become self-indulgent and lacking in the foundations of film as medium and a good sense of storytelling. And they have become a breed of filmmakers who have come to believe their own glory.

It scares me that such kind of filmmaking and film appreciation seems to permeate in our film culture. We have now become, as a film viewing nation, accepting of badly crafted movies solely on the belief that anyway the idea of the movie and the spirit it moves along with is worth appreciating.

As a filmmaker myself and as someone who has done 8 shooting day movies, I see no excuse for filmmakers to do badly crafted movies using resources as an excuse. It is imperative that, just like painting, the story behind the subject and the execution of it is equally important in the appreciation of the work itself. Why make movies when your resources can't afford the vision in your head?

I am scared to wake up one day and see that we have become a nation of film viewing people who hail only the ineptly made and call it art solely because of the grand idea the film espouses and shoot down the ones that kill themselves to come up with a film work that tries hard to further the form and take crafting their movies seriously to tell their movie ideas using the medium by which it's working with.

I have a general feeling that our local film festivals now have given permission to anyone and everyone to just bring forth their ideas without really thinking hard whether it is really an idea deserving to be made into a film or whether the ideas equal the resources they are handed with. And the sad part is, these festivals have given birth to monsters who feel that they are God's gift to filmmaking.

To paint takes a lot of hard work to find your own signature, to manipulate the paint and the form to make it your own so that the painter can then render the subject that is personal to him.

Everyone can be filmmakers. But at least, take time to learn it first and don't do it on the fly. Filmmaking goes beyond than just grand ideas of indigenous tribes, black and white treatments, long takes, esoteric dream sequences, handheld shots and photographing Third World scum.

Though, I can't really blame the "filmmakers" who resort to all these trappings of a serious, meaningful film. The resources dictated the form. And since the form has been hailed here and abroad, it has become acceptable. But i just can't get over the idea of how unfair it is that other directors like Celso Ad Castillo, Peque Gallaga, Mike De Leon and Ishmael Bernal kill themselves to craft and tell their stories well using the medium when in fact, even critics only appreciate the merits of story and idea but never the painstaking design that a filmmaker puts into the film using the elements at his disposal to further flesh out the basic story on the written page.

But in any work of art, more than craft and the subject, the question is, is it honest? For the last few years of our indie film festivals, we have seen a prevalent mix of movies that have the same kind of form to it primarily to pass it off as "important". But then, where is honesty and integrity in the work in all these?

I apologize for sometimes looking or talking down on these indie works. That's why I haven't been to these festivals for years now (except of course watching only the works of my friends) because i refuse to see it and end up getting furious at watching these pretensions.

I wish to see a different kind of filmmaking soon. Something that appeals to how I was taught films should be made and appreciated. Then maybe I can start a collection of these local indies too. Until then, I think I can settle to just reading about them.

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