Personal Christmas Message for 2012

Over the past few years, I have literally dropped out of the social and professional radar.
Those who knew me thought that they had lost me, and those who were with me thought I had abandoned them.
In every situation, there was no pleasing everyone. Disappointments were rife, and each dispensed their own judgement on me.
Explanations seemed contrived and inadmissible. Apologies came too late, even Forgiveness turned a deaf ear.
Before the total darkness finally descended, some friendships were lost and my faith was ruptured beyond repair.
In the end, it seemed that no one cared to know me at all. They have casually forgotten that I was there, fighting by their sides, pushing the boundaries of my own limits, and above all, I DID GIVE ALL THAT I COULD GIVE at that point in time.
Still, it was not enough. It would never be enough. Enough is a vulgar word that does not exist when everyone else was depending on me to do more, and give more.
I am very sorry to confess that I could not give more as the light flickered its final glimmer.
This is how I came to the very cliff of my own limitation.
It was either jump to the death or leap and fly. However, my wings were not strong as yet to employ the winds around to help me soar further. So, into the depths, I plunged.
It was a choice I made. No one is to be blamed. That is very clear.

After having immersed myself in the service of giving to others as much as I could possibly do, I was gripped with the worst realization. The hate, anger and darkness was consuming me. What I saw all around was not hope at all, but rather, a vortex of helplessness.

How do I hold the remnants of my peace and remain committed to a loving kindness process when I was slowly eaten alive by all the choking negativity? How could I withstand the ravages of humankind without losing my own sanity?

In truth, I struggled with the overwhelming urge to pull the same trigger onto the perpetrators of crimes and violence. I hated them as much they hated humanity with a vengeance. The heart of me turned into an unrecognisable cold black hole. I had to get away from everything before I became exactly like one of them - a spitting image of evil incarnate.

How could I continue to give when everything inside me was poisoned and toxic?

And so, I did retreat and resigned from EVERYTHING. I thought it was the safest and noble thing to do. Naturally, not everyone understood. Then again, why should they? They didn't walk in my shoes, nor have they seen life through my eyes.

Again, the fault lies with me and not someone else.

It took a long while for me to collect the pieces and try to make sense again.
It took an even longer time to separate the lies from the truth.
As I regained my strength, I made a promise not to ever be ensnared by Death's sweet caressing voice, or the soft kisses of corruption.
I will believe no whisperers but take counsel from my own fighting spirit.
I will no longer run backwards, but forward.
Even if I have to stop from time to time, I know that I am doing so in order to recuperate and not indulge in laziness.
There will always be some people who will never understand me, and they may also never find it in their hearts to forgive me.
That is their prerogative, and they have every right to hold onto their views.
I will continue to try and make progress towards my dreams and goals, BUT IT WILL BE ACCORDING TO MY OWN TERMS.
I have not given up on anything, but have chosen to embrace all that is meaningful to me IN MY OWN WAY.

For those who stood by, and continued to throw a life line at my way, I thank each and every one of you with all my heart.
For those who gave up on me, I offer my deepest apology yet again and wish for all the great things to come your way as always.
For those who are still deciding, I shall leave you to your own conclusions.

To be very frank, there was a point in time last year when I thought that I could not make it out into the light again. I felt lost and empty after being stripped off the very things that I have dedicated my life to. It was a very painful and lonely place to be. Nonetheless, I know now that even that episode was absolutely necessary in my own growth as a human being who aspires to be in the service of others.

Yes, after all these years, I STILL have much to learn and a long way to go before I would evolve into the person I truly want to be. Every juncture takes us deeper and higher, only if we succeed in surviving its own massacre. With every little death, there is new life. One which is definitely stronger and brighter than the previous mould that we grew out of.

So, this Christmas I shall gleefully throw myself upon an altar of my own making, and be grateful that I have finally achieved another milestone in my journey of life. 

I would take this opportunity to thank each and every true friend and family member who held me through the last two years. They were my crutch, my cane, my wheel-chair and my life-support. I could not have done it alone, and that is for sure.

I have begun to write again, sing with a joyful heart and acquired an equilibrium of my own. I no longer compare my progress to others, nor do I wallow in the sadness of not blooming as beautifully as others.

I am a strange awkward flower which will only blossom at the coldest winter. And often, very late into the decade. 

I shall no longer make excuses for myself and retire into shame for not being able to fit into a square peg hole. I have always been a rather odd shape. Naturally, there is no point in forcing the issue.

Forgiveness may or not may come eventually. So, here, I take this opportunity to sincerely apologise to every person whom I have hurt and disappointed in any way. I am truly sorry that I did not or could not rise to the occasion when you needed me to. No matter what, you are still very much in my thoughts and prayers, as always.

There will be some places which I will make it a point to return to very soon, and re-visit frequently. However, there will be a few places which I will not return to.

I know what I made of, and what I want. I DO know what I have to do to achieve them.

Above all, I also know what I cannot do and will never do.

May this Christmas bring clarity to all and hope to those who need it most.

May every journey be challenging enough to make each one stronger, and gentle enough to comfort the pains.

May we always grow and evolve into the people we aspire to be, even if we are the latest to arrive.

Always late than never, better fall then not try at all.

May the New Year usher a brand new dawn of friendship, love, possibilities, opportunities, success and everlasting happiness. May all of the above be accomplished in your own terms, as defined by your values and beliefs.

I shall leave you all with a quote from one of my most favourite people in the world, Mr. Tony Meloto, the founder of "Gawad Kalinga". Mr. Meloto was addressing a group of graduating University students in the Philippines when he said these words. I am tweaking it to include all humankind. I hope, Papa will forgive his adopted daughter no.15 in this modification.

"Never stop hoping for your country. Never stop caring for your people. Demand greatness from yourself as a citizen of the world (as a Filipino), to inspire greatness in all others (other Filipinos)."

Most of all, never leave anyone behind in our journey in life. Everyone could use a helping hand every once in a while.

PEACE!

With folded hands and gratitude,

Shirley Maya Tan

  

A Compelling Piece by Jada Pinkett-Smith

JADA PINKETT-SMITH: “THE WAR ON MEN THROUGH THE DEGRADATION OF WOMAN”

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After slaying critics in defense of her daughter Willow, outspoken actress and activist Jada Pinkett-Smith took to Facebook today to drop some knowledge on how the degradation of women has resulted in problems for both sexes.

As we look at societies where the women are lost, struggling for education and otherwise disregarded, versus those who consider women the center of their communities, Jada‘s words ring all the more truer. Read what she has to say below:

How is man to recognize his full self, his full power through the eye’s of an incomplete woman? The woman who has been stripped of Goddess recognition and diminished to a big ass and full breast for physical comfort only.

The woman who has been silenced so she may forget her spiritual essence because her words stir too much thought outside of the pleasure space. The woman who has been diminished to covering all that rots inside of her with weaves and red bottom shoes.

I am sure the men, who restructured our societies from cultures that honored woman, had no idea of the outcome. They had no idea that eventually, even men would render themselves empty and longing for meaning, depth and connection.

There is a deep sadness when I witness a man that can’t recognize the emptiness he feels when he objectifies himself as a bank and truly believes he can buy love with things and status. It is painful to witness the betrayal when a woman takes him up on that offer.

He doesn’t recognize that the [creation] of a half woman has contributed to his repressed anger and frustration of feeling he is not enough. He then may love no woman or keep many half women as his prize.

He doesn’t recognize that it’s his submersion in the imbalanced warrior culture, where violence is the means of getting respect and power, as the reason he can break the face of the woman who bore him four children.

When woman is lost, so is man. The truth is, woman is the window to a man’s heart and a man’s heart is the gateway to his soul.

Power and control will NEVER out weigh love.

May we all find our way. 

J

SHIRLEY'S THOUGHTS :-

I am not sharing this because I hate men or that I am a Taliban-Feminist. I am sharing this because I am profoundly concerned about the relationship between men and women, regardless of their ethnicity. How a man and woman carry their deepest regard for one another in their minds and hearts need to be refined, retuned or at the very least, re-visited. A higher respect and understanding is a MUST in order for men and women to treat each other way much better than now.

As every man is blessed with a stronger physique than most women, they need to understand their role in not using their brute strength in harming women in any way, but in valuing the unique vulnerability of a woman. The same can be said for their NOT taking advantage of a woman's weakness but to uphold her "divine" right to evolve and grow in the same manner as a man deserves to do the same.

I have seen in many cases, more than I care to recall, despite their age or race, the way some men treat women are just deplorable. Especially, wealthy successful men. 

To me, it is NOT enough that a man makes a huge load of money and then he turns around have affairs and disrespects his wife as well as children. Wealth and power do not give any man the right to misbehave or behave appallingly.

A successful man does not need to ever demean or belittle any other human being. Especially, his own spouse or life partner.The way a man treats his wife and family IS a telling sign of how great a man he is. 

Of course, there is the flip side to this - there are women who would just throw themselves at men, and they do not care whether these men are married, single, or engaged. They will still continue to pursue the men who are already "taken". 

Lately, these types of women have been mostly nationalities of a certain country. And yes, it is not a joke at how many marriages have been broken up, and families torn apart as a result. However, I also recognise that I speak from a very comfortable position. I have never known what it is like to be hungry, desperate and driven to the point that I would do anything and more just get myself out of a terrible position in life. So, I cannot simply judge. I do know that.

But knowing that still does not resolve the problems. 

My questions are simply these -  

How is a man's greatness reflected on the way he treats the women around him? 

How will he define the essence of his character or identity through a woman?

The very same questions apply to women as well.

These are not easy subject matters. Many people will have their points of views, enforced by their own personal issues. But if you can understand why I post this article and questions, perhaps we can start looking at ourselves and begin the true journey of relationship evolution between a man and a woman.

At the end of the day, I truly wish that as we grow and advance in this world, we will also evolve into better people and uphold higher set of values - together and not separately.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE A BETTER MAN, OR A BETTER WOMAN?

As Jada Pinkett-Smith said, "MAY WE ALL FIND OUR WAY".

This shall be my birthday wish for this year.

Peace!

THE NEW LEAF

Turning over a new leaf is a term many of us are familiar with. But how do you turn over a new leaf when you don't even know yourself well and true?

I guess this is why they say it is a journey that never ends.

We just keep discovering, learning, growing and evolving.
After all, if nothing stays the same and everything changes, how can we be using the old ideas or solutions and expect to resolve current problems or challenges with them.

We have experienced both good and bad times, even nightmares. And we probably will experience much more as we go along. There will be darkest of nights and the brightest of days. We can't hold onto any great moments of our lives, even if we tried.

BUT there are some things that will not change and may be, should not change - no matter what happens. And these are our values and virtues - our strengths, our courage, determination, resilience and etc.

I have come to realise that humankind is definitely made to be destroyed, because we are so vulnerable and fragile. In addition, we also have an expiry date. Although we may not know when that will happen. So, it is inevitable that we will be destroyed in the end. However, we need not be defeated in the whole process.

To be defeated is our choice and lies in our attitude of the mind. We may not be able to control the time of our eventual destruction, but we can definitely control how we will not be defeated while we are still alive and breathing.

As Ernest Hemingway puts it so beautifully, "A man can be destroyed but not defeated."

From here on, I choose life.

Hence, I shall not give in and be defeated.

This is the new leaf I shall turn over. A non-defeatist attitude of mind and spirit.

When Darkness Falls

"Dearest, I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that – everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. V"

V stands for Virginia Woolf.

The above is written by Virginia Woolf. It was to become her last written words - her suicide note to her husband.

On 28th March 1941, Virginia put on her overcoat and filled the pockets with stones. 

Then she walked to River Ouse which was near her home and drowned herself.

Virginia's body was not found until 18th April 1941.

It was probably something like this -

The above are the opening scenes to the movie: "THE HOURS". The movie had a powerful cast of amazing women: Meryl Streep, Nicole Kidman and Julianne Moore. It remains one of my most favourite movies of all time. In "THE HOURS", Nicole Kidman delivered her most memorable role as "Virginia Woolf" and won the Best Actress Academy Award.

Virginia Woolf was not an easy woman to understand, and was an even more difficult woman to live with. To give you some idea of what it she was like, here is an excerpt from http://www.kirjasto.sci.fi/vwoolf.htm 

Woolf's mood swings, depression, physical ailments, headaches, and other symptoms are in current phychiatric parlance considered "psychosomatic", which include the so-called neurasthenic syndromes. Much of her writing reflected her inner conflicts. Woolf developed innovative literary techniques in order to reveal women's experience and find an alternative to the dominating views of reality. In her essay 'Mr. Bennett and Mrs. Brown' Woolf argued that John Galsworthy, H.G. Wells and other realistic English novelist dealt in surfaces but to get underneath these surfaces one must use less restricted presentation of life, and such devices as stream of consciousness and interior monologue and abandon linear narrative. Marital disappointments and frustrations she often dealt ironically. In To the Lighthouse Woolf wrote: "So that is marriage, Lily thought, a man and a woman looking at a girl throwing a ball."

She was indeed a very tormented woman, despite how talented she was.

Virginia had insisted that she was always alone in her suffering. That no matter how much her husband and friends cared about her, none of them could join her in her torment. None of them could save her. It was all in her mind and she alone could only save her.

The sad truth is, no matter how much we are loved and adored by others, none of that can compensate for the hole inside us. 

In the quietness of our mind 

We are all alone with the noises. 

We never allow the pain to leave us

Even as we grow into adulthood

We do not let our suffering go

Only happy to revive the misery

Repeatedly in our mind

We still have to face the hours

All alone...

This is the real maddening suffering that we inflict upon ourselves every day. 

Compressed, compounded by the various memories  of our past, our childhood, not moving past those moments. Each person we meet, every situation we get ourselves into, and if any of it even remotely reminds us of our pains, our sufferings, we are immediately transported back to that very spot or that very moment where it all began. And then, everything else start to culminate within us, like an uncontrollable wave - carrying all sorts of emotions and memories, churning into a vortex. Then it happens, we become overwhelmed. It is no longer about the matter at hand anymore, nor the person standing infront of us - it is everything that has led to this moment because we are still hanging onto every shred of painful memory - unwilling and unable to let them go. 

It is funny how we allow our pains and suffering to mould us and define us more than our virtues, strengths and hopes. 

This is why they say, HELL IS A STATE OF MIND AND NOT A PLACE.

When darkness falls, we can choose to allow the darkness to engulf us or choose to swim the surface. But we cannot rise above when we are unwilling to face the truth. Yes, sometimes it is scary and painful to face the truth, whatever it may be. But do we truly want to remain as prisoners of our own pain for the rest of our lives? Do we want to carry these baggages of insufferable torment like they are glorious trophies? Are we only eulogized by our suffering?


Sad to say, some people will never go past their misery and affliction. Because some people actually think and believe that without their suffering, they are nothing. 


These people believe that their suffering becomes them. As if without the anguish, they would become non-existent or even worthless. 

As much as HELL is a state of mind, the same applies for HEAVEN or HAPPINESS.


And that is what I keep telling myself and my friends who seem to be drowning in their sea of pain. I once swam in that very same sea too. But even as a former dweller of that sea, I still could not pull them out of that familiar horrid water. Then I realised, having been in that ocean of suffering does not make me a capable saviour or helper. Just because I have been there and done similar things, do not make me better equipped to help anyone. Having courage alone, without real knowledge is useless. Having knowledge and experience but without compassion is also hopeless.


Just because we know the ways to help, may not mean we care to help. It certainly does not mean that we would be willing to dive that deep into the darkness in order to save another.


Likewise, wanting to help and caring to help without having the wisdom of the right methods is also a suicide mission. Because we do not know the best ways to help, we might end up causing more harm than good if we jump into the depths. We may end up killing the person we want to help and ourselves in the process.


In Buddhism, we stress the importance of having both the compassion and wisdom in union. One cannot exist without the other. Now, I am beginning to understand why.


Without wisdom, we cannot determine which is the most beneficial method to employ in helping someone and what's the dosage in applying the medication. Hence, our methods could be wrong and is not tailored according to that being in question. It is like a doctor who mis-diagnose a patient.


Without compassion, we will not care to help any being even though we may possess the knowledge and expertise. We will not go the extra mile or beyond our comfort zones. We will hesitate when we stand at the edge of the cliff and stare into the depths. We will not be moved to aid anyone without agenda, willingly and happily.


Sylvia Plath 
Ernest Hemingway
Anne Sexton
Elise Cowen
Yukio Mishima
Hunter S. Thompson
Jean Amery
Iris Chang
Kurt Cobain
Vincent van Gogh
Alexander McQueen
Leslie Cheung 


The names above are very talented people who have left our world by taking their own lives. And it is scary how very long this list runs. The names above are all people with a great deal of talent and some have led very wealthy or luxurious lives.


At the end of the day, nothing external can compensate for all that is missing or lacking internally.


Yes, we are a frail and vulnerable species in many ways. 


But we always have a choice.


We can find strength in our own frailty and vulnerability.


We can choose NOT TO GIVE UP even if we fall many times.


In falling down and getting up, we become stronger.


In admitting our own mistakes, facing our own failures and flaws, we grow within.


Above all, understand that darkness is a moment in time. As there is darkness, there is also light. Night will turn into day and vice versa.


It is a cycle of life. There is no need to be afraid of the dark when you realise that you can be your own source of light. 


Learn to cultivate the light within. Then we will never be afraid of darkness ever again, no matter where we go.


For me, I have chosen Buddhism. Because this is the path and method that suit me best. I believe in it and it has helped me so much to this day.


What will be your choice of light force is entirely up to you. Just as long as you don't choose to stay in those murky muddy waters, allowing the darkness to pull you down and drown you.


Become your own saviour.


Yes, you can.


Today's version of yourself is better than yesterday's version of you. And know that tomorrow version of you will be better than today when you do not quit.

SURRENDER CAN BE GOOD

In Shakespeare's Macbeth - we see what happens to a man when his ambition becomes his obsession. It led to his damnation. Macbeth is one of the great 7 tragedies from Shakespeare. It is one of my favourite because it deals with one of the darkest afflictions of humanity - attachment.

Our attachments are no different than Macbeth's self-serving ambition. Whatever it is that we are attached to becomes our obsession. Different obsessions plague us in varying degrees. As long as we are governed by our attachments, we will never know the true meaning of freedom. 

How can we be truly free when we reside within the prisons of our attachments?

And who would know better than we, ourselves - what we are really attached to and how these attachments have led us down paths we truly regret, or the madness that goes inside our minds when we do not get what we want, etc. So, to exemplify - it is not the object that we we abstain from or renounce. It is our attachment to that object. How we react when we don't have it, what we do without it? 

Many people have the misconception that all Buddhists do is renounce and renounce. Hence, a lot of people assume that we, Buddhists, can't possibly live our lives to the fullest or even enjoy our lives in any way. Honestly, it is really not about renouncing life. It is about renouncing our very bad habits, attachments, fears and insecurities. There is a BIG difference. 

Don't just recoil because you see words like renunciation, abstinence and surrender. Understand what these words really mean and what they entail. So, in Buddhism, we may use huge words like renunciation, but the real renunciation comes from us breaking ourselves away from our attachments. 

As I learn more about Buddhism and renunciation, it invites me to look deeper into myself and discover what is it that I am really attached to. Freedom is not being happy only when we have what we want or just wanting and needing. Freedom is feeling happy and at peace, even when we don't have and we don't need to want.

Please read more about what Tsem Rinpoche explains about our attachments in here.

One of my biggest attachments revolve around yearning for approval, fame or recognition. This has led to me to do many things which I have come to regret. Most of the things I did were not things I really wanted to do. Hence, in the end, I never felt any sense of accomplishment or found any fulfillment in them. Most of the time, I'd abandon a project or task half way because I really found no meaning in them. This is just one of the many reasons as to why I have not done much in my life, and did not work for anything in my life. There are other reasons attributing to my complete lack of material success, but this is one of them. 

In the end, I realised that the only true fulfillment I received all came from doing spiritual work. Or any spiritual related work. I am not saying that this is the right path for everyone. I am only sharing my experience and discovery.

Here, I'd like to share an advice which Tsem Rinpoche gave me - 

And Shirley, if you have accomplished nothing in the material world at all for whatever reasons, let it be, accomplish everything in the spiritual world. It's not an escape or to make up or to gain face, but it's the only thing THAT REALLY MATTERS WHETHER PEOPLE ACCEPT THIS OR NOT. 

I found my deepest gratification and meaning in doing spiritual work. Truly, I have and do. Nothing comes to close to it. Everything suddenly made sense whenever I do spiritual related work. And there are going to be people and friends who will never understand or accept. And I do not expect them to either. Each of us view success differently. Each of us have different definitions of success.

I equate mine with spirituality.

There are many people who take the road less travelled and do things just very differently. Some find joy and purpose in creating a FB page on a cause or become an activist. Some find immense gratification in marrying the richest guy who will have them and settle into a life of leisure, luxury and comfort. Others may find most enjoyment out of saving animals or promoting good healthy living.

There are many different types of individuals in our world and we are all motivated by different things. I know some people who wouldn't mind giving up their entire lives to save the poor and those less fortunate like Tony Meloto and Mother Teresa. Yet there are people who would only be satisfied if they have the car, big house, wife and kids. 

There is no wrong or right.

As a parent, I would like to believe that we help our children to grow and find their own place in this world. We would not expect them to live our lives or our notion of what life should be. We can offer advice and guide, but we cannot shelter them from the mistakes they need to make in order to grow and become better.

Everyone's learning curve is also as unique. Just as everyone's pace and time to blossom and bloom are also very personal.

And if we do want to help someone or even our children, we should remember that we are helping them to become who they are meant to be, not what we think they should be. Many parents fail to see this. If we support someone or our children, support in a way that they continue to become the best of who they are meant to be - even if this may be very different from your idea of success and accomplishment. Otherwise, do not offer to help, give or support. Because if we hold any form of expectations, then we are offering to help with strings attached and with conditions. Then, this form of help and support cannot be real.

I think the above applies to everyone and every single situation - whether we choose to help or support a friend, a sibling, a family member, an organization or a charity event.

As of now, I have plans to create more causes for my spiritual journey to deepen. I love this message from Tsem Rinpoche below -

So whatever you are doing now, do not look at others on your left or right, you just look straight ahead and do it! 

I used to compare and compete.

I used to look everywhere to see where I was at.

I'd like to NOT do these things anymore and just concentrate on what I need to do and do them with the best of my ability. Most importantly, do them with all my heart.

As Tsem Tulku Rinpoche says, "So the vows are not suppose to stop you from enjoying what you like or labelling it negative..It is more the perception of what you like. The vows help you to step back and see the reality of your attachments, likes, dislikes, activities and where they bring you….And keep the music playing please…"

Seriously, I have never been happier and more at peace than I am right now.


It's really because I have found myself and understood what I want from my life. And what I want from my life, extends to all lifetimes.


If you are really a friend or if you really care about my happiness and peace, just be glad for me and rejoice that I am no longer lost and clueless.


That would be so nice and I'd appreciate that very much.


I sincerely thank every single person who has helped me, supported me and especially those, who never gave up on me.


Most importantly, I thank those who took the trouble to understand me even when I could not understand myself.


Thank you from my heart.

May the music of love, care, compassion and understanding always play on.