The Morning Wet Market & The Breakfast of Champions

I am not usually a morning person.

However, this morning I decided to drag myself out of bed and venture to the morning wet markets. As a child, I used to accompany my mother to these wet markets to buy fresh produce. It was the only way to shop in those days - before the big supermarket chains changed the way we bought our groceries. 

The Morning Wet Market

At the break of dawn, these fresh produce and meat sellers would procure their products from the farms and suppliers. Then they will assemble their products in their own carts or stalls at a specified area. Yes, the area is zoned for a wet market with the condition that they will dismantle everything and leave the said area by 12 noon or the set time. It is usually a large parking spot that has been turned to a wet market like the one pictured above. After 12 noon, it will be returned to its original status as a parking lot. It is always busiest at around 9:00am to 10:00am.  

In Malaysia, these markets are called wet markets because the ground is literally wet. 

The View from at the Ground Level

You can find all things "fresh" here - vegetables, fruits, seafood, meat and etc. I have not taken a picture of the hanging fresh cut meats. It has never been a pretty sight to behold in my books. What I do enjoy going through are the vegetables and fruits. Every stall owner would mind their own space, careful not to over-step the boundaries of another. 

Vegetables Galore

Assortment of Fruits

One of the several Fish Mongers

A wet market is never complete without the usual "traditional" breakfast stall-sellers. There is the "nasi lemak" lady with her own small table set up. "Nasi Lemak" is a staple breakfast diet for most Malaysians. It is basically coconut milk-infused cooked rice served with a half of a hard boiled egg, some fried anchovies, roasted peanuts, slices of cucumber and accompanied by the famous spicy "sambal" sauce. Then it is all wrapped up nicely in banana leaf.

The "Nasi Lemak" Lady

"Nasi Lemak" Unwrapped 

These days, there are several variations to the original "nasi lemak". There are even "gourmet" versions whereby you can add "chicken rendang" or "beef rendang", fried chicken and etc. "Rendangs" are traditional Malay-styled curries but in a dry form, unlike the soupy curries that we usually see. These "rendangs" are always loaded with spices and exude a wonderful enticing aroma when done well.

Another local favourite breakfast diet is the "Chee Cheong Fan". It is essentially made of rice flour and rolled into individual long cylinder pieces. Similar to the rice flour "Cheong Fans" in Chinese Restaurants for "Dim Sum". However, these are plain "Cheong Fans" - without any meat fillings.

The "Chee Cheong Fan" Stall

These are usually eaten with fish balls, fish cakes of different varieties and drenched in sauce. We have a choice of sauces - from curry, to spicy to sweet. I usually pack all three just because I do appreciate variety. Of course, we can pick anything that we like to go with the "Chee Cheong Fan". The stall above sells all kinds of tofu and soy products to go along with the "Chee Cheong Fan".

The sauces to accompany the "Chee Cheong Fan"

This is how we serve the "Chee Cheong Fan" at home

And this is usually how I eat mine - drenched in a mixture of the sweet and spicy sauce. Yes, in the end, the curry sauce was left aside :(

My Fave Combi of the "Chee Cheong Fan"

Lastly, another local delight which one may not find in Western countries - the "Putu Mayam". It is another childhood fave of mine. It is a sweet rice-vermicelli-looking dish that is served with grated coconut and "gula melaka" (coconut palm sugar). Here, at the wet market, an Indian man sells it straight from a box off his motorcycle. 

Preparing the "Putu Mayam" for a customer

Yes, he uses his bare hands! No, just kidding.

All packed up and ready for the happy customer to take home

The "Putu Mayam" is the perfect ending to my entire breakfast. Yes, I started off with the "nasi lemak" which is traditionally Malay, then moved onto the "Chee Cheong Fan" which stems from a Chinese culture and ended with the Indian "Putu Mayam".

Naturally, there are much more varieties in a Malaysian cuisine in terms of breakfasts. I am just highlighting one small part of my Sunday morning. The cities all around Malaysia are buzzing with all kinds of people waking up, and venturing out of their homes in search for their favourite Malaysian breakfasts by now. 

This is the glorious priviledge of living in Malaysia. Our breakfasts are created from our colourful and diverse communities. To me, IT IS THE BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS.

In fact, in most households, it is not surprising to find that the dining table would feature dishes from different races. In my family home, our meals are as colourful and diverse as our motherland, Malaysia. This is what "One Malaysia" tastes like :)

May we always enjoy the beauty and harmony of being Malaysians, living in Malaysia. 

Have a lovely Sunday, everyone.

Peace to all :)

Decorating for Chinese New Year with Your Own Touch

Every Friday, a column in NST RED will feature an article written by me. It's all about the unique spaces which I have come across that provide interesting or unusual experiences. Yes, the stories I write for NST RED can be about anything as long as it is related to spaces/places. After all, the RED in NST RED stands for Real Estate & Decor.

So, this Friday 8th February 2013 - I have written an article about fun decorating tips for Chinese New Year. As there are always "constraints" in the newspapers' publication, this is the full version with extra pictures and information. 

It will be Chinese New Year (CNY) soon. Traditionally, CNY a time for families to come together - every single family member will make that journey back to her or his hometown, and have their reunion dinner on the eve of the Chinese New Year. Nothing completes a Chinese New Year more than families reunited to usher in the New Year together. As a kid, it is the best time of the year because they get to receive red packets with money inside from all their elders/adults. As an adult, it is another precious opportunity to spend time with families, relatives and friends. Above all, it is to do the real important stuff such as feasting on the sinfully delicious food.

Traditional Chinese New Year Cuisine

This week KL city is abuzz with much activity as many people are rushing to buy all their Chinese New Year items, apparel, ornaments and décor. Traffic is visibly much more congested. May be every Chinese is apparently out at the same time shopping for all the CNY goodies. 

Shopping for CNY Decorations

If there was ever a time when symbolism and superstitions supersede all else, it would have to be during Chinese New Year. Every single item decked out in 

each Chinese household is filled with metaphors of prosperity, great health, good fortune, happiness, and harmony. Every colour, fruit, flower and candy holds poetic meanings. For example, red is a common traditional colour of Chinese New Year that represents joy, virtue, sincerity and good luck. It is also used to ward off bad luck and “unsavoury” spirits during the festive period. Fruits like pineapple, oranges and tangerines are essential features in a Chinese home as they represent the gathering of families and friends, happiness, abundance and prosperity. Flowers like pussy willow, bamboo, plum or peach blossoms all represent the good tidings like blooms of romance, prosperity, long life, resilience and growth. Sweet treats such as candied melons means good health and growth, where as lychee nuts represents strong family ties in the coming New Year. Hence, it would be no surprise to find all these elements and more in a Chinese home during CNY. This is the only time whereby going overboard in symbolism would be approved and most welcomed. This 2013 will be the year of the Water Snake. Therefore, do expect to see many replicas of the snake greeting every visitor in the Chinese household. 

Usually, shopping for new Chinese New Year clothes take a lot of time. And yes, it is tradition that one must wear new clothes for the New Year. So, after getting our new clothes for CNY, the next most important shopping is for the special décor and ornaments to mark the festive occasion. These days, there are a variety of shops which sell pre-fabricated and assembled ornaments. We do not need break a sweat to put things together from scratch unless you really want to, of course. Today’s buyers are really spoilt for choice, because even online stores are selling CNY wares for cheap. A local favourite place to buy affordable CNY accessories would be Petaling Street. Here, everything and anything can be found. Naturally, most of them are also made in China. However, if one prefers a higher quality and more refined ornaments, SSF in Sungai Buloh is a good place to check out.

Table Decor Sample from "The Secret Party"

 Once all the CNY trimmings and knick-knacks are bought, the challenge lies in putting them altogether in a tasteful and creative fashion. Sadly, I am utterly horrible at decorating. It would be likened to asking a hippo to dance the ballet. It is not a pretty sight. Thus, I decided to consult my friends, Erin Jessen and Coral Tong-Swyny, for their imaginative spin on CNY decorations. Both Erin and Coral own a Singaporean events company called, “The Secret Party”. Their company was set up about a year and a half ago. Coral is Singaporean, and Erin is from New Zealand but has been living in Singapore for six years. Theirs is an interesting company specializing in small and intimate bespoke events where personalization to a client’s desires is key. The featured photographs provide a sample of their artistic work. Below are the 5 tips that Erin and Coral have shared with me on decorating for Chinese New Year.  

1) Rice Paper Lanterns

These are an affordable and fun way to "dress up" our homes for the New Year.  Lanterns look great hanging from the ceiling but to add that extra impact, try hanging them in large clusters. For example, above the dining room table might be a perfect spot and suspended at different levels to create a cloud-like effect. Choosing a color scheme is a splendid way to start, but try to keep it to a limit of two to three colors so that it does not become too overwhelming. 

A Chandelier of Red Lanterns

Paper lanterns can be used as table centerpieces as well. Place three small sized lanterns down at the center of the table. Then on the top of each lantern, we can add flowers such as peonies. These floral companions make great choices, as their shape will fit perfectly over the top of the lantern and become a covering for the hollowness in the middle.

We can also use the same concept as above, but instead of the lanterns being presented as a table centerpiece, we can use them as place card settings for each dinner guest. We write each guest’s name in the center of the lantern with a gold ink pen.

Paper Lanterns do not have to be plain. We can add a variety of ideas to help personalize it into our own. Covering them in lace will give it a more “vintage” look, or we could also add ribbons cut into different lengths (tissue paper can be substituted for ribbons here) to the bottom of a hanging lantern to give it a “whimsical” look.

2) Mandarin Oranges

As it is customary to have oranges or tangerines be presented to our guests as gifts, personalizing them is another wonderful way to incorporate a fun décor factor to our CNY celebrations. A cluster of oranges or tangerines can be placed in a large bowl, or they can be displayed lined up on a side table like an art piece, as well as, serving as a traditional facet of Chinese New Year. Oranges can also be wrapped with big red bows made out of satin ribbons, or wrapped in a sheet of lace and tied with a curled ribbon. Small labels could be printed out and then glued to a toothpick, and be inserted into the oranges with a special message of well wishes from you to your guests for the coming year.

A Table filled with Goodies

3) Pussy Willow/Mandarin Wishing Tree

Have pre-made tags ready for guests to write a wish for you and your family for the coming new year is another interesting way to celebrate CNY. Once the guests have written their personal messages, they can hang it on the mandarin or pussy willow tree. This can become a great centerpiece or conversational piece for our homes. After the festivities, these lovely notes can be placed into keepsake box or even framed to hang on the wall as another CNY decorative item for the following year.

4) Horoscope Print Outs

This can be a fun family project. Each household can print out and frame a picture of the “animal” birth sign of each family member.  Then the framed animal pictures can be used as a centerpiece décor or be hung on walls in the dining room or living room. The same print out with different animal birth signs can also be made for the guests and visiting relatives. They are all encouraged to write their own names on it. These are personalized fun ways of decorating, or they can become a nice keepsake for guests to take home with them.

5) Fun for Kids

Keeping children preoccupied during CNY in any household may require more than just iPads, Playstations, tv and etc. We can create print outs of various coloring sheets, and these can be packaged with crayons or colored pencils to keep the children busy. The themes could be based around the different animals of the Chinese Horoscope, or the various meaningful symbols of Chinese New Year such as the double happiness words, mandarin oranges and CNY flowers. When the children are well occupied, the adults can happily indulge in their own “games” over CNY.

A Circus Themed CNY for Kids

As with all decorating, one should not be afraid to adjust, mix it up and modify according to one’s preferences and personal tastes. Some older accessories can be recycled and updated when matched with new items. In the case of adorning one’s home for CNY, it becomes even trickier because some family members might be very particular about the symbolism and its meanings. I know of some traditional folks who are very superstitious and will never have anything to do with the colour blue, or allow hanging umbrellas into their living spaces, and they would definitely take offence to the colour black during CNY. Therefore, it is always advisable to decorate with sensitivity and consideration to the elders who are also residing in the same household. I always find it safer to consult the traditional members in the family and the elders so that they can feel included in the whole process of beautifying the house for CNY. After all, the main focus of CNY is in the congregation of families. Therefore, encouraging every family member to participate will not only minimize any unpleasant surprises, but also help bring the whole family closer together. It is truly heart warming to see how families get together and do their part in getting their homes ready for CNY. At all times, please do not forget to have fun while decorating together. It is the most essential element of the CNY spirit.

For those who are not as superstitious or traditional, you can add your own personal touches in whatever colours that you wish. Brand the CNY decor theme in your home as your own. It could be fun, creative and definitely, original. 

A Fun Invitation to Eat

This CNY the only real decorating I shall undertake will be on myself. I shall be sporting a new look for 2013. My long locks shall be snipped off and a short chic version will crown my head. After which I can fully concentrate on savouring the glorious scrumptious Chinese New Year feasts. There are a few Yee Sangs, and pineapple tarts with my name on them.

Until next time, have a prosperous and happy Chinese New Year. May the year of the Water Snake bring good fortune, splendid 

THINGS THAT WOMEN FIND SEXY ABOUT MEN

This post is dedicated to the guys, especially the really good ones. 
Because they are the ones who rock my world. 
Through the good men, I witnessed the greatness of mankind. 
Through the good ones, I realised that I will never settle for anything less.
Thank goodness for the really good men!
This is why I am actually glad that men and women are really different. 

As I have said before, learning more will help us understand better.
So, it is in this spirit that I am sharing this post.

Now, below are the ten things what a typical male thinks makes a man sexy to a woman. Yes, it is written by men. You can read their whole article here. 

Source: http://datingrelationship-advice.blogspot.com/2009/03/hot-sexy-guys.html

1) Smile - This is self explanatory
2) Masculinity - The way he moves and talks
3) Confidence - Make her feel protected and taking charge
4) Eye Contact - Especially when talking and not staring at her boobs
5) Aromatic Scent - Smells nice
6) Having a Sense of Style - Looks nice and dresses well
7) Communication Skills - Know how to talk to a woman
8) Ability to Cook - An actual meal that's impressive
9) Having Sensitivity - Confidentiality, empathy and trust
10) Sense of Humour - Make her laugh

Notice how these are mostly designed to attract the women to the men, but it may not necessarily be the very things that women find sexy about a man. 

Although I have to say the Aromatic Scent thing is a must with me, and women like me. I can't stand men who smell like they have not showered for weeks, or those who seem to shower in the whole bottle of cologne. Just a tad hint of the scent, guys. Go easy with the cologne, please. You do not want to suffocate the woman now, do you? 

I'll tell you when the men smell really sexy - it is precisely when the hint of his cologne is mixed with his own natural scent. Now, that's what I'd call: "oozing sexiness". 

Now, let us look at what WOMEN find sexy in MEN. And yes, this is from the perspective of a woman. You can read Melanie Curtin's entire article here.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/melanie-curtin/ten-things-i-find-sexy-ab_b_2602313.html?ir=Women 

Here are the top 10 such things:

10. Lift Me Up
The guy that picks me up and spins me around, or holds me tightly with my arms and legs wrapped right around him, will always win my heart. Depending on the context, it is one of the sexiest, most comforting, or most erotic of experiences. Even if we're not dating, I always feel happy and free and feminine.

Perhaps it is the reminder of your strength, or my petite-ness, or both at the same time. Perhaps it's the sensual, spontaneous experience of the way we fit together, the way our bodies are connected in that moment. Perhaps it's just the fact that you're bigger than me.

Whatever it is, it's sexy.

9. Open Doors & Give Up Seats
I find it annoying when people say chivalry is dead. It's not. It's alive and kicking -- yes, even in the younger generation.

I know this because, amongst other things, I ride the NYC subway. There, I've experienced many men -- good men, great men -- give up their seats for the elderly (both women and men), open doors for others, and help me lift my (many) suitcases up the (many) stairs. To them I say, I salute you. I thank you.

Some women hate it when men open doors for them. They may interpret it as a statement that they can't take care of themselves, or that they're somehow less independent because a man is doing something for them.

I am not one of these women. I love it when a man carries my groceries for me, lets me go ahead of him in line, opens a door for me, or schleps my luggage.

I know I could do these things by myself, for myself. I've done them plenty of times. But when someone else does it, it really does make my life a little bit easier. I feel taken care of. Especially in cities, where we spend a lot of our time with headphones in, consciously ignoring everyone around us, it feels really good to be noticed. The way these men are says, "I see you." I care about you, simply because you're alive.

I also look at that guy who just gave up his seat in a new light. He comes across as strong, aware, trustworthy, significant. He comes across like a man.

8. Initiate Middle-of-the-Night Sex
If you know how to do this right (slooowly, softly, **gently**), it is one of the sexiest things in the world. I love the feeling of being touched between states of consciousness, of arousal before awareness. I adore the dissolving quality of dark, sleepy caresses, the extension of the dreamlike state of not knowing where you stop and I begin.

And I love the slow build, the way a man who knows what he's doing carefully rearranges my body for me, gently positioning me so that I don't have to do anything. The fact that he's guiding the situation, softly but firmly in control, means that I can just lay there languidly and enjoy the ride.

Yes, please. Over and over and three times on Sunday.

7. Deal With Sh*t
I have many talents. I can speak five languages. I'm a good writer. I'm exquisitely empathetic. I kick ass at Trivial Pursuit. I can even dance the tango at a near-professional level. However, I suck at practical, common sense stuff. I can barely change a lightbulb, let alone fix sh*t around the house.

But my dude roommate can. And I gotta tell you, it's sexy. I came home the other day and a set of lights that had been out for months (literally months!) were fixed. Just like that. Ditto the thermostat. When I asked him how he did it, all I heard was, "Wah wah wah," like Charlie Brown's mother. I didn't follow it because I just don't care. I do, however, care that I can now actually see objects in the living room.

I get that this is a cliché -- trust me, I do. It's also true. I find it somehow deeply satisfying that men are distinct. I love that I'm good at things that they're not, and that they effortlessly do things I don't understand at all. I compliment you for complementing me. I get to relax because you just take care of sh*t. It's freeing.

It's also sexy.

6. Be Super Solid While I'm Freaking Out
When I am absolutely losing it about something (legitimate or not), I don't need to be fixed. I don't need to be told what to do, I don't need advice, and I certainly don't need someone to tell me to calm down.

I just need to be witnessed.

That's right, when I'm on my crazy train, I don't want a man to try to stop it (he won't be able to, anyway). I just want him to be with me while I'm on it. I want to know I'm not alone.

So the man who quietly listens, who takes it all in without taking it too seriously, is unbelievably sexy. He is sexy in his solidity, he's sexy in his presence, he's sexy in his naturally grounded nature. He's extra super-really sexy when I can tell that not only is he not intimidated by my freakout, he's actually (respectfully) entertained by it -- he welcomes it.

Those exceptional men I've been with who enjoy the ride, who witness my storms or those of other women with a knowing look, a wisdom that goes beyond my high-strung-ness or defensiveness or just general freakout, are rare.

They're also sexy.

5. Play With Kids
Straight up, it is hot when a man is genuinely good at playing with kids. This does not include faking it to get attention from women -- obviously that's a huge turnoff (and dude, we're biologically made to know when you're faking it). No, it's only -- and very -- hot when he actually likes them. It's probably something primordial, basic, an animalistic understanding that he'd be good at playing with our kids. But who cares?

Because it's not just a sweet moment, like, "Awww, look how good he is with that kid." It's an actual, visceral turn-on -- I literally feel a tingling in my nether regions. It doesn't make me want to have babies with you, but it sure makes me want to make them with you. (Just kidding. Sort of).

4. Accept Emotions
I recently called a guy friend to let him know that I was on my way to meeting up, but I wasn't feeling all that great. Being a little sad and irritable, I said, "Sorry in advance for not being very fun. I'm going to try to get into a better mood."

Do you know what he said?

"If you are, great. If not, great. Whatever you got, bring it."

I felt so accepted I started to tear up. I knew it would be OK even if I wasn't OK -- that I wouldn't be blamed or shamed for not being cheerful or upbeat. I could bring my truth -- my real truth -- and he would still be there.

I wasn't a problem.

When a man resists emotions -- mine or his own, I feel repressed and uncomfortable. A roiling sensation in my stomach builds, that I just can't kick. And in my experience, many men (many people, but men in particular) are threatened by emotions like sadness, anger, or fear. They want to fix it right away to soothe their own anxiety. They can't tolerate the idea that a woman is unhappy. They can't tolerate the idea that they might be blamed for it.

Then there is the man who accepts me in all of my facets, not just the 'pretty' ones. He has learned to be with emotion -- just be with it. He doesn't feel the need to make it go away or turn it into something else. He just accepts, and genuinely wants to know.

With him, I feel deeply safe. I know I can bring ALL of me, and he's going to be able to handle it. I don't have to manage his experience of me. I can just be. And the fact that he wants to know me makes me want to know him. Biblically.

3. Care About His Friends
I fell in love with my last boyfriend in stages. The first was one night when we sat in his truck outside his place while he called his best friend, who had just lost his grandfather. He listened, made manly sounds of sympathy (like grunts), asked about his friend's family members, told his friend he loved him in his own way, and promptly got off the phone.

It was brief, but real and heartfelt. And when I saw him care about his friend -- really care about him, but in a totally different way than I care about my female friends -- I fell pretty hard.

I think he was surprised by how much I wanted him after that phone call. I may or may not have given him a minute, then attacked him right there in the truck.

2. Show His Backbone
If you're my man, I want you to be vulnerable with me. I love watching you agonize over which stuffed animal your 3-year-old niece would like better: The panda or the whale? I enjoy when you tell me about something that's hard for you to admit about your past, or how you didn't have it all together for that presentation at work today, or when you own up to just how much you want me to like the necklace you just gave me (and how stressed you are that maybe I don't). I cherish those moments.

But it also turns me on when you have to be a hardass and you're willing to go there. Pointless aggression is a turn-off, but watching a man enforce strong boundaries is a huge turn-on. It's hot when a man stands up for himself by telling his boss to find someone else to work this weekend, or puts his foot down with the slacker on his team, or quietly but firmly tells his brother that he can't borrow the car (given that he drove it drunk the last time he did). Even when it's directed at me, I love seeing that fire within you, that point of resistance that says NO.
In fact, your NO has me say YES. Yes, yes, yessss.

1. Listen
The sexiest thing a man can do is listen to me -- all of me. With all of him.

Some men don't listen at all. They just don't. They talk about themselves ad nauseam and then wonder what happened when I wander away. These men are generally referred to as "douchebags."

Other men listen in such a manner that they practically collapse into me. They fall all over themselves to "do" listening right, keeping their focus and attention so on me that they lose themselves. In a way, they actually stop listening in their attempt to prove how well they do listen. These men are generally known as "nice guys."

Either way, not sexy.

Then there is the man who maintains his own core while also holding space for me. This man has a way of drawing out my deepest truth simply by being fully present. He isn't thinking about what to say next, whether I still like him, how to get me to stop crying, or what to do now. He's just noticing me, tracking me, tuning himself to me. He's letting the moment unfold without trying to control it. And him taking the lead in this way has me stop trying to control it as well. Which feels good.

This man listens to what I'm saying and what I'm not saying; he listens with his body as well as his heart. He listens with his mind, with his emotions, with his curiosity, with his soul. He asks questions when the time is right, because he really wants to understand, not because he wants to coach me to get somewhere else. He listens to all of me, with all of him.

When I am in his presence, my entire being relaxes. I become more gracious, more present, more in flow. I am expressive without being self-conscious. I am emotional without being reactive. I am beautiful without being perfect. I feel safe, I feel seen, I feel radiant.
In other words, I feel like a woman. With a man.

And that is sexy. For all parties involved.

Melanie Curtin is the founder of "Vixen On The Loose". 

I hope you guys can see the difference in the way women communicate and what they appreciate about a man. Things women find sexy in a man are imbued with her emotions. Because the qualities that turn her on would be the very attributes she would seek in a potential mate or partner. Hence, this is why her choices would have very little to do with a man's looks. A man's physical appearance may attract her at the beginning, but it will not work to sustain a relationship with her unless he possesses some of the qualities listed above. Women are beautiful emotional beings and trust me, you would not want to change that. 

Also, notice that LISTEN is the number one thing on the list. Guys, this is really the central key in maintaining a relationship with a woman. You have got to learn how to listen. And not just with your ears, but your entire being. Most importantly, your heart. I cannot stress this enough.

The two things that are missing from the above list are:- 

1) HIS MIND. I do personally value a man's mind and his intellect. It is to me, one of the most sexy features of a man - his brilliant mind. I am pretty sure, many women would agree with me as well.  

2) HIS SINCERITY. When a man is sincere, he shows that he genuinely cares. And that is super sexy. Always.

I have to say that I agree with Melanie about men being sexy when they are courteous and chivalrous. Here, please allow me to clarify - it is not that I am a helpless damsel who can't do stuff for herself. It is more of the fact that I appreciate what a man does for me - not because he has to or that he is obliged to - BUT BECAUSE he CARES to and he WANTS to.

When anyone does something out of the kindness of their heart, or because they care, I make it a point to show my appreciation. This is just basic human decency and courtesy.

To me, there is no issue of a power struggle between a man and a woman when it comes to a relationship or courtship. It is matter of how much both parties care for each other and how well they can express that care/love through their actions.

So, if there is anything I hope more women and men could do for one another is please CARE MORE and CARE BETTER.

Lastly, these are some of the basic but golden rules in life, love and relationships to live by. I thought I shall share them here.

1. Being alone does not mean you are lonely, and being lonely does not mean you are alone.
2. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
3. Love means giving someone the chance to hurt you, but trusting them not to.
4. You know you’ve found true love when you catch yourself falling in love with the same person over and over again.
5. Don’t wait for the right person to come into your life.  Rather, be the right person to come to someone’s life.
6. The one who is meant for you encourages you to be your best, but still loves and accepts you at your worst.
7. Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
8. Some relationships are like glass.  It’s better to leave it broken, than to hurt yourself more by trying to put it back together.
9. Just because one person doesn’t seem to care for you, doesn’t mean you should forget about everyone else who does.
10. Someone else doesn’t have to be wrong for you to be right.
11. It is okay to be angry.  It is never okay to be cruel.
12. Never do something permanently foolish just because you are temporarily upset.

May each of you find the right person for you.

Good luck and happy dating!

  

Insecurity and How It Affects Us All

"Most bad behaviour comes from insecurity." ~ Debra Winger

Who in this room has not felt uneasy, inadequate and displaced?
Who in this world has not felt envy, anger, jealousy or hatred?

Do you know where all these negative emotions and thoughts stem from?

Michael Neill suggests that they originate from insecurity.

What contaminates us is our own sense of insecurity. It is like a virus that transforms all positive energies, thoughts and feelings into ugly ones. What's worse, it makes us into lesser beings than what we know we are capable of.

Apparently, people who suffer from insecurity are said to possess the following traits in varying degrees:-

Source: http://www.haveigotaproblem.com/download/254/What-are-some-negative-effects-of-insecurity

1. Have difficulties in establishing healthy, long-lasting relationships.
2. Be perceived incorrectly by others as being snobbish or uppity.
3. Become victims of fears that impair their freedom of action or choice.
4. Be candidates for paranoia, feeling others are out to get them.
5. Scare others away from them by their defensive attitude.
6. Be over-controlled emotionally, having problems letting others in on their emotions. This can lead others to guess what is going on until the passivity of the insecure person leads to an over-reaction by the others, resulting in conflict or rejection.
7. Have problems on the job or in school when they have the knowledge, skills and abilities to do a task efficiently but are told to do it in a different, less effective manner. They get so uptight about the job and are fearful of standing up for what they believe that they get angry, hostile and resentful until they either quit or succeed in submerging their emotions.
8. Get passed over for promotions, advances or honours because they are so quiet about what it is they do. This leads the insecure persons to feel more unaccepted, unappreciated and under-valued.
9. Have problems meeting people and often can become debilitated socially by chronic shyness.
10. Become so inward that they seek to escape into their fantasy life rather than deal with the reality of their lives.

Though the list is not exhaustive, but it gives us some ideas. Of course, the society and its insistence on what is acceptable and the norm do not help alleviate the sense of insecurity that one may feel. 

From wikipedia, emotional insecurity is defined as 

A person who is insecure lacks confidence in their own value, and one or more of their capabilities, lacks trust in themselves or others, or has fears that a present positive state is temporary, and will let them down and cause them loss or distress by "going wrong" in the future. This is a common trait, which only differs in degree between people.

Insecurity may contribute to the development of shyness, paranoia and social withdrawal, or alternatively it may encourage compensatory behaviors such as arrogance, aggression, or bullying, in some cases.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_insecurity

Naturally, there are many levels of insecurity and it affects people in different ways. For example, I know some of the most good looking and beautiful people who are also insecure but in varying degrees. Hence, they may feel the need to project or assert their "beauty" more than others. And they may choose to do so in a variety of ways.

In other cases, some people who display a high level of aggression may use their hostility or confrontational attitude to mask their own insecurity. It is interesting to note how some of the "loudest" individuals may be hiding their insecurity by over compensating with their speech or "loud behaviour".

Insecurity can wreck havoc in our communication with those around us, our friendships and relationships with loved ones. So, how do we really break free from the chains of our insecurity?

Michael Neill further expounds that understanding our own insecurity will help us cleanse ourselves from these negative contaminations. Perhaps, even sets us free. 

I find his article helpful in breaking down insecurity for us to see, and thereby making it easier for us to visualize its dire effects on us. 

Please read his article from Huffpost below. 

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-neill/insecurity_b_2483711.html

Michael Neill

Transformative coach; Best-selling author

Understanding Insecurity

What follows is not a trick question:

Would you rather feel exhilarated, grateful, humble, inspired, resolute, compassionate, and content, or...fearful, sad, worthless, jealous, angry, overwhelmed, and bored?

More to the point, would it surprise you to realize that there was only one difference between the deeper feelings on the first list and the uncomfortable emotions in the second?

One of the many gifts we are given as human beings is the gift of thought, and specifically the ability to imagine things that have not yet happened (and may or may not ever happen). Used one way, imagination allows us to create new possibilities and acts as a stepping stone to creation. Used in another way, it allows us to create feelings of worry, insecurity, and dread in our bodies as we envision all sorts of imminent and eventual disasters in our minds.

The same thing that allows an engineer to design an airplane allows a passenger to imagine that airplane crashing; the same creative element that we use to envision a happy marriage can be used at other times to envision our partner straying and that self-same marriage crumbling under the strain.

In short, the only thing that gets in the way of our experiencing our deeper feelings on a regular basis is the emotional contaminant of our own insecure thinking.

Here's how the misuse of imagination (to create insecure feelings in the body) turns deeper feelings into uncomfortable emotions:

Think about it -- when you are feeling grateful for what you have in your life, you feel wonderful; add in thoughts about how it's all going to disappear (or is already gone and will never come back) and you get to feel miserable and despair.

Admire someone that inspires you and it may well encourage you to find that same strength, beauty, or resourcefulness inside you; add in insecure thoughts about how you'll never be like them and you'll find yourself filled with jealousy and self-loathing.

Happy and content in your marriage? Add in some worry thoughts about how the excitement and passion you once had is gone forever and watch that contentment turn into boredom faster than you can begin taking your partner for granted.

So what do we do about insecure thoughts? If the consequence of insecurity is the contamination of the deeper feelings we all long for and the creation of the emotional states many of us strive to avoid, this would seem to be a pretty important question.

For me, the answer is not in trying to change our behavior or even to control our thoughts, but simply to deepen our understanding of how the whole mechanism works. When I know that feeling emotionally grungy simply means that my thoughts are headed in the wrong direction and my imagination is in negative overdrive, I can take some time out to let my thinking "settle."

I don't have to fix my life, quit my job, dump my partner, or go into therapy -- because no matter how long I've been worrying myself into an emotional mess, I'm only ever one thought away from a deeper peace.

Does that mean it's easy?

Not always. I still get caught up in my own insecure thinking from time to time, and in some ways I've written this post as a reminder for myself. But the more I look for a deeper understanding of how I'm creating my experience of life through my thinking, the more insight I get and the more freedom from the effects of those thoughts I seem to experience.

And when I look behind the content of those thoughts to their source, I occasionally glimpse that space within which thoughts arise and fall. And in that space, I feel both "the peace that passeth understanding" and "the understanding which bringeth peace."

With all my love,

Michael

Personally, I feel that our thoughts, emotions and mental state of mind is likened to a coin. The good side presents all the positive possibilities which we could enjoy, if only we allow ourselves to choose that path or side. 
The flip side or bad side does the complete opposite.
For example, courage and cowardice reside in that same coin. Depending on how we tilt, through our choice - we may end up feeling cowardly or brave.
In every situation we face, we always have a choice - face it bravely or internalize it with negativity and that often produces very unpleasant results for us. 
Therefore, how we internalize each situation will determine how we would learn to cope with it. And how we cope will undoubtedly dictate the consequences we have to endure/face. 

As illustrated from the above chart in Michael Neill's article, once we remove the insecurity from the whole equation - our thoughts and feelings would no longer retain any negativity. What's more important, we would not feel any more tormented than we need to.

Of course, all these are easier said than done. However, why should we not even try and work at it day by day so that we can finally break free from the chains of insecurity? 

When we understand how our insecurity influence our thoughts and emotions, we become better equipped to deal with them. We can even control them in a positive manner.

Every single thing in life takes practice. Nothing of great value comes easily.
Even as we drag ourselves to the gym day in day out, we need to invest time and effort in moulding our bodies to a desired shape or size.
The same can be applied to the motions of our minds. 
Eventually, in time, we will become better and stronger at identifying our insecurity and work towards stamping it out.

When we know how to overcome our own negative feelings and thoughts, we can then focus on resolving the daily challenges of our lives. Because the noise that insecurity creates inside the vicinity of our minds or hearts will be cease to become the main highlight of our lives. We will gradually stop wasting our time dwelling on things which do not help us. Then we can finally listen to the voices that really matter - for example, the voice of our own wisdom, intuition or the voices of people who truly care about us and whose advice is helpful. Without the maddening racket of insecurity, we can concentrate on improving our situations and rectify our problems or mistakes. 

Then in time, we would also learn how to utilize insecurity in a positive manner. How so, you may ask?

Once we understand insecurity, we would not let it stop us or hinder us in any way. It ceases to be our barrier. Because we know that ultimately we want to progress and move ahead in the journey of our lives. We do not wish to remain stagnant or regress. Hence, we would only employ insecurity to a point whereby it acts as a spur to propel us further ahead or do better and become stronger. And we would only utilize it for that purpose and that purpose only.


Basically, anything that has the power to stop us from becoming better is an obstacle. It always starts from within and it will take over us completely because we allowed it to. It would get to a point until we become so wrought with negativity that we are nothing but an invalid in life. We become invalid to our loved ones, our dreams, hopes, all the wonderful possibilities in our future and even to ourselves.  

When we know how to manage insecurity in this manner, it becomes a vehicle for positive outcomes or results for us. It does not become our prison or paralysis. It becomes a motivating factor, at best. Therein lies our true personal triumph.

Always remember - we are all made differently. So, there is no need to compare. Just focus on our own personal progress and growth. When we are ready, we will blossom but it would be at our own pace and time. 

The only commitment we need to make to ourselves is to never ever give up. EVER. 

Only then we can become our own saviours and heroes. 

Only then, we would win all the way.  

I shall leave you all with one of my fave quotes from someone who had experienced failures many times, and even insecurity did not spare him. After all, he was famous for being cut from high school basketball. 

"Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it." ~ Michael Jordan