The VISION and The DEMISE

"People see only what they are prepared to see."

We all see only what we are prepared to see.

Beyond that, no one and nothing can convince us otherwise.

They can tell us and point it out to us, and we can squint our eyes very hard to look but we may not see anything.

Hence, looking and seeing are two very different things.

As Henry David Thoreau puts it -

"The question is not what you look at, but what you see."

And what happens when the very things you thought you saw, knew, understood and held dear - all of those things which you have carefully built and placed your faith in - begin to fall apart? Or worse, the vision you had held onto, believed in and had your faith engraved on it begin to unravel?

What then?

What happens to the Visionary whose vision is no longer valid and is on its way to become irrelevant or extinct?

Will the Visionary perish with the vision?

In these interesting times, change is inevitable.

Impermanence is the way of life. 

Even if we do not want to change, situations and the environment will force it upon us. We can't hold onto everything and everyone for as long as we like to hang onto them.

This also applies to our vision - be it in life, love or in business.

Our visions would and should change over time - as we all have changed over time and will continue to do so. We have experienced many different things, we learn, we grow and we keep evolving.

Through the years, we have viewed life differently as I am sure life has viewed us differently as well, and will continue to do so.

In order to survive and enjoy the journey of life, we do have to allow our vision to change and grow with us. Otherwise, we will end feeling very lost.

I guess, the real demise here would be our attachment to the old cherished vision - which may very well have worked for us in the past and carried us through to this day, but it may no longer be relevant in our present and future. This is something we have to face, realize and accept - at our own time and pace, naturally. 

" We can undertake only what we are ready and prepared for."

Without first being ready and prepared, we are definitely setting ourselves up for failure. Or rather, the higher risk of failure.

Our individual transformation maps out our external transformation, much like the visionary who will evolve his or her vision in business, life or love. 

The death of our old vision should not be the death of us.

The visionary must survive and continue to evolve and transform.

Whether we need to leave, take a break, change the game or playing field, change our views, we need to do something - anything at all - just as long as we do not stand still and burn into extinction with our old vision.

The journey does not end when the vision dies.

Because all visions were/are created by the visionary, the individual.

As we have created past visions, we can also create new ones. A new vision that is relevant to the world and time we live in, in sync with the person we are now, and to accommodate the visionary we will transform into for all our tomorrows.

It is not easy - but then again, all good things never came to us with ease and convenience, have they?

This is where I have arrived.

My current state of displacement - crying my farewells to an old dream and vision, while trying to build a new one for myself. 

What I am really done with here is the guilt.

I no longer wish to be made to feel guilty just because I continue to want things for myself, or to wish to go out and have some fun, or to be with someone. I do not wish to be given a long lecture about how selfish I am just because I choose something for myself and not for others. 


Yes, I am over with the guilt.

I have fallen from one extreme to another in the past. Being pushed to one thing or another, be it willingly or by mere obligation, or by the strength of the current. Constantly, trying to please someone or help someone else. Then feeling guilty when I have failed to meet the mark or just don't fit in. In the end, I have run myself into exhaustion. When fatigue consumed me, it left me paralysed with a great deal of negative emotions.

Of course, all the above is self-inflicted - as they always are. Ultimately, no one can hurt us as much as we hurt ourselves.

These are indeed very interesting times we live in.

Here, we all have the chance to find out who we really are and what we are made of. 

LIFE = IMAGINATION + PASSION + TRANSFORMATION + EVOLUTION

MAY THE JOURNEY CONTINUE, YOURS AND MINE....

BON VOYAGE!

THE NEW LEAF

Turning over a new leaf is a term many of us are familiar with. But how do you turn over a new leaf when you don't even know yourself well and true?

I guess this is why they say it is a journey that never ends.

We just keep discovering, learning, growing and evolving.
After all, if nothing stays the same and everything changes, how can we be using the old ideas or solutions and expect to resolve current problems or challenges with them.

We have experienced both good and bad times, even nightmares. And we probably will experience much more as we go along. There will be darkest of nights and the brightest of days. We can't hold onto any great moments of our lives, even if we tried.

BUT there are some things that will not change and may be, should not change - no matter what happens. And these are our values and virtues - our strengths, our courage, determination, resilience and etc.

I have come to realise that humankind is definitely made to be destroyed, because we are so vulnerable and fragile. In addition, we also have an expiry date. Although we may not know when that will happen. So, it is inevitable that we will be destroyed in the end. However, we need not be defeated in the whole process.

To be defeated is our choice and lies in our attitude of the mind. We may not be able to control the time of our eventual destruction, but we can definitely control how we will not be defeated while we are still alive and breathing.

As Ernest Hemingway puts it so beautifully, "A man can be destroyed but not defeated."

From here on, I choose life.

Hence, I shall not give in and be defeated.

This is the new leaf I shall turn over. A non-defeatist attitude of mind and spirit.

When Darkness Falls

"Dearest, I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that – everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. V"

V stands for Virginia Woolf.

The above is written by Virginia Woolf. It was to become her last written words - her suicide note to her husband.

On 28th March 1941, Virginia put on her overcoat and filled the pockets with stones. 

Then she walked to River Ouse which was near her home and drowned herself.

Virginia's body was not found until 18th April 1941.

It was probably something like this -

The above are the opening scenes to the movie: "THE HOURS". The movie had a powerful cast of amazing women: Meryl Streep, Nicole Kidman and Julianne Moore. It remains one of my most favourite movies of all time. In "THE HOURS", Nicole Kidman delivered her most memorable role as "Virginia Woolf" and won the Best Actress Academy Award.

Virginia Woolf was not an easy woman to understand, and was an even more difficult woman to live with. To give you some idea of what it she was like, here is an excerpt from http://www.kirjasto.sci.fi/vwoolf.htm 

Woolf's mood swings, depression, physical ailments, headaches, and other symptoms are in current phychiatric parlance considered "psychosomatic", which include the so-called neurasthenic syndromes. Much of her writing reflected her inner conflicts. Woolf developed innovative literary techniques in order to reveal women's experience and find an alternative to the dominating views of reality. In her essay 'Mr. Bennett and Mrs. Brown' Woolf argued that John Galsworthy, H.G. Wells and other realistic English novelist dealt in surfaces but to get underneath these surfaces one must use less restricted presentation of life, and such devices as stream of consciousness and interior monologue and abandon linear narrative. Marital disappointments and frustrations she often dealt ironically. In To the Lighthouse Woolf wrote: "So that is marriage, Lily thought, a man and a woman looking at a girl throwing a ball."

She was indeed a very tormented woman, despite how talented she was.

Virginia had insisted that she was always alone in her suffering. That no matter how much her husband and friends cared about her, none of them could join her in her torment. None of them could save her. It was all in her mind and she alone could only save her.

The sad truth is, no matter how much we are loved and adored by others, none of that can compensate for the hole inside us. 

In the quietness of our mind 

We are all alone with the noises. 

We never allow the pain to leave us

Even as we grow into adulthood

We do not let our suffering go

Only happy to revive the misery

Repeatedly in our mind

We still have to face the hours

All alone...

This is the real maddening suffering that we inflict upon ourselves every day. 

Compressed, compounded by the various memories  of our past, our childhood, not moving past those moments. Each person we meet, every situation we get ourselves into, and if any of it even remotely reminds us of our pains, our sufferings, we are immediately transported back to that very spot or that very moment where it all began. And then, everything else start to culminate within us, like an uncontrollable wave - carrying all sorts of emotions and memories, churning into a vortex. Then it happens, we become overwhelmed. It is no longer about the matter at hand anymore, nor the person standing infront of us - it is everything that has led to this moment because we are still hanging onto every shred of painful memory - unwilling and unable to let them go. 

It is funny how we allow our pains and suffering to mould us and define us more than our virtues, strengths and hopes. 

This is why they say, HELL IS A STATE OF MIND AND NOT A PLACE.

When darkness falls, we can choose to allow the darkness to engulf us or choose to swim the surface. But we cannot rise above when we are unwilling to face the truth. Yes, sometimes it is scary and painful to face the truth, whatever it may be. But do we truly want to remain as prisoners of our own pain for the rest of our lives? Do we want to carry these baggages of insufferable torment like they are glorious trophies? Are we only eulogized by our suffering?


Sad to say, some people will never go past their misery and affliction. Because some people actually think and believe that without their suffering, they are nothing. 


These people believe that their suffering becomes them. As if without the anguish, they would become non-existent or even worthless. 

As much as HELL is a state of mind, the same applies for HEAVEN or HAPPINESS.


And that is what I keep telling myself and my friends who seem to be drowning in their sea of pain. I once swam in that very same sea too. But even as a former dweller of that sea, I still could not pull them out of that familiar horrid water. Then I realised, having been in that ocean of suffering does not make me a capable saviour or helper. Just because I have been there and done similar things, do not make me better equipped to help anyone. Having courage alone, without real knowledge is useless. Having knowledge and experience but without compassion is also hopeless.


Just because we know the ways to help, may not mean we care to help. It certainly does not mean that we would be willing to dive that deep into the darkness in order to save another.


Likewise, wanting to help and caring to help without having the wisdom of the right methods is also a suicide mission. Because we do not know the best ways to help, we might end up causing more harm than good if we jump into the depths. We may end up killing the person we want to help and ourselves in the process.


In Buddhism, we stress the importance of having both the compassion and wisdom in union. One cannot exist without the other. Now, I am beginning to understand why.


Without wisdom, we cannot determine which is the most beneficial method to employ in helping someone and what's the dosage in applying the medication. Hence, our methods could be wrong and is not tailored according to that being in question. It is like a doctor who mis-diagnose a patient.


Without compassion, we will not care to help any being even though we may possess the knowledge and expertise. We will not go the extra mile or beyond our comfort zones. We will hesitate when we stand at the edge of the cliff and stare into the depths. We will not be moved to aid anyone without agenda, willingly and happily.


Sylvia Plath 
Ernest Hemingway
Anne Sexton
Elise Cowen
Yukio Mishima
Hunter S. Thompson
Jean Amery
Iris Chang
Kurt Cobain
Vincent van Gogh
Alexander McQueen
Leslie Cheung 


The names above are very talented people who have left our world by taking their own lives. And it is scary how very long this list runs. The names above are all people with a great deal of talent and some have led very wealthy or luxurious lives.


At the end of the day, nothing external can compensate for all that is missing or lacking internally.


Yes, we are a frail and vulnerable species in many ways. 


But we always have a choice.


We can find strength in our own frailty and vulnerability.


We can choose NOT TO GIVE UP even if we fall many times.


In falling down and getting up, we become stronger.


In admitting our own mistakes, facing our own failures and flaws, we grow within.


Above all, understand that darkness is a moment in time. As there is darkness, there is also light. Night will turn into day and vice versa.


It is a cycle of life. There is no need to be afraid of the dark when you realise that you can be your own source of light. 


Learn to cultivate the light within. Then we will never be afraid of darkness ever again, no matter where we go.


For me, I have chosen Buddhism. Because this is the path and method that suit me best. I believe in it and it has helped me so much to this day.


What will be your choice of light force is entirely up to you. Just as long as you don't choose to stay in those murky muddy waters, allowing the darkness to pull you down and drown you.


Become your own saviour.


Yes, you can.


Today's version of yourself is better than yesterday's version of you. And know that tomorrow version of you will be better than today when you do not quit.

SURRENDER CAN BE GOOD

In Shakespeare's Macbeth - we see what happens to a man when his ambition becomes his obsession. It led to his damnation. Macbeth is one of the great 7 tragedies from Shakespeare. It is one of my favourite because it deals with one of the darkest afflictions of humanity - attachment.

Our attachments are no different than Macbeth's self-serving ambition. Whatever it is that we are attached to becomes our obsession. Different obsessions plague us in varying degrees. As long as we are governed by our attachments, we will never know the true meaning of freedom. 

How can we be truly free when we reside within the prisons of our attachments?

And who would know better than we, ourselves - what we are really attached to and how these attachments have led us down paths we truly regret, or the madness that goes inside our minds when we do not get what we want, etc. So, to exemplify - it is not the object that we we abstain from or renounce. It is our attachment to that object. How we react when we don't have it, what we do without it? 

Many people have the misconception that all Buddhists do is renounce and renounce. Hence, a lot of people assume that we, Buddhists, can't possibly live our lives to the fullest or even enjoy our lives in any way. Honestly, it is really not about renouncing life. It is about renouncing our very bad habits, attachments, fears and insecurities. There is a BIG difference. 

Don't just recoil because you see words like renunciation, abstinence and surrender. Understand what these words really mean and what they entail. So, in Buddhism, we may use huge words like renunciation, but the real renunciation comes from us breaking ourselves away from our attachments. 

As I learn more about Buddhism and renunciation, it invites me to look deeper into myself and discover what is it that I am really attached to. Freedom is not being happy only when we have what we want or just wanting and needing. Freedom is feeling happy and at peace, even when we don't have and we don't need to want.

Please read more about what Tsem Rinpoche explains about our attachments in here.

One of my biggest attachments revolve around yearning for approval, fame or recognition. This has led to me to do many things which I have come to regret. Most of the things I did were not things I really wanted to do. Hence, in the end, I never felt any sense of accomplishment or found any fulfillment in them. Most of the time, I'd abandon a project or task half way because I really found no meaning in them. This is just one of the many reasons as to why I have not done much in my life, and did not work for anything in my life. There are other reasons attributing to my complete lack of material success, but this is one of them. 

In the end, I realised that the only true fulfillment I received all came from doing spiritual work. Or any spiritual related work. I am not saying that this is the right path for everyone. I am only sharing my experience and discovery.

Here, I'd like to share an advice which Tsem Rinpoche gave me - 

And Shirley, if you have accomplished nothing in the material world at all for whatever reasons, let it be, accomplish everything in the spiritual world. It's not an escape or to make up or to gain face, but it's the only thing THAT REALLY MATTERS WHETHER PEOPLE ACCEPT THIS OR NOT. 

I found my deepest gratification and meaning in doing spiritual work. Truly, I have and do. Nothing comes to close to it. Everything suddenly made sense whenever I do spiritual related work. And there are going to be people and friends who will never understand or accept. And I do not expect them to either. Each of us view success differently. Each of us have different definitions of success.

I equate mine with spirituality.

There are many people who take the road less travelled and do things just very differently. Some find joy and purpose in creating a FB page on a cause or become an activist. Some find immense gratification in marrying the richest guy who will have them and settle into a life of leisure, luxury and comfort. Others may find most enjoyment out of saving animals or promoting good healthy living.

There are many different types of individuals in our world and we are all motivated by different things. I know some people who wouldn't mind giving up their entire lives to save the poor and those less fortunate like Tony Meloto and Mother Teresa. Yet there are people who would only be satisfied if they have the car, big house, wife and kids. 

There is no wrong or right.

As a parent, I would like to believe that we help our children to grow and find their own place in this world. We would not expect them to live our lives or our notion of what life should be. We can offer advice and guide, but we cannot shelter them from the mistakes they need to make in order to grow and become better.

Everyone's learning curve is also as unique. Just as everyone's pace and time to blossom and bloom are also very personal.

And if we do want to help someone or even our children, we should remember that we are helping them to become who they are meant to be, not what we think they should be. Many parents fail to see this. If we support someone or our children, support in a way that they continue to become the best of who they are meant to be - even if this may be very different from your idea of success and accomplishment. Otherwise, do not offer to help, give or support. Because if we hold any form of expectations, then we are offering to help with strings attached and with conditions. Then, this form of help and support cannot be real.

I think the above applies to everyone and every single situation - whether we choose to help or support a friend, a sibling, a family member, an organization or a charity event.

As of now, I have plans to create more causes for my spiritual journey to deepen. I love this message from Tsem Rinpoche below -

So whatever you are doing now, do not look at others on your left or right, you just look straight ahead and do it! 

I used to compare and compete.

I used to look everywhere to see where I was at.

I'd like to NOT do these things anymore and just concentrate on what I need to do and do them with the best of my ability. Most importantly, do them with all my heart.

As Tsem Tulku Rinpoche says, "So the vows are not suppose to stop you from enjoying what you like or labelling it negative..It is more the perception of what you like. The vows help you to step back and see the reality of your attachments, likes, dislikes, activities and where they bring you….And keep the music playing please…"

Seriously, I have never been happier and more at peace than I am right now.


It's really because I have found myself and understood what I want from my life. And what I want from my life, extends to all lifetimes.


If you are really a friend or if you really care about my happiness and peace, just be glad for me and rejoice that I am no longer lost and clueless.


That would be so nice and I'd appreciate that very much.


I sincerely thank every single person who has helped me, supported me and especially those, who never gave up on me.


Most importantly, I thank those who took the trouble to understand me even when I could not understand myself.


Thank you from my heart.

May the music of love, care, compassion and understanding always play on.

The Recipe: Broccoli Florets Sauteed with Ginger and Onion

This is the dish that I cooked from the book: EAT HEALTHY, DAILY

What I love about the recipes in this cookbook is that they are not only healthy simple vegetarian dishes, but they are also medicinal and healing. The recipes in this book are all created by Dr. Jiang, who have spent almost all his life studying and researching traditional chinese medicine through herbs and foods. He is from China.

"Dr. Jiang founded a natural health therapy center to provide natural therapies to enhance health and prevent illness without the use of drugs." (extracted from the book)

And all thanks to H.E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche, the book became a reality to benefit all of us. Rinpoche has always been a firm believer in natural and holistic healing.

"I felt I would like to bring these wonderful, ancient, healing and special recipes to the world at large. I thought that this book would benefit a lot of people who are particular about their taste buds, and who would like meals which are healthy, very easy to make and economical, because none of these dishes are expensive at all." ~ Tsem Rinpoche (extracted from the book)

I must say, before doing the show and reading this book, I have not been one to care about my health and what I eat. My diet was mostly composed of junk food, junk snacks and lots of carbonated drinks. My all time faves were Cherry Coke and Dr. Pepper.

My most staple food was FRENCH FRIES. I used to just live on french fries! Yes, I know. I am walking toxic wasteland, waiting to explode.

So, doing the show, VEG & THE CITY, is definitely a very good thing for me personally, especially in terms of my health.

There are many exciting episodes coming up. So, do stay tuned. Every episode is a learning experience for me. So, I truly hope that it educates as well as entertain our viewers.

Now, here's the recipe -

Please note that all the combinations and amounts in the ingredients are created as such for its healing properties. So, Dr. Jiang does not advise that we modify them IF we are eating for healing and medicinal purposes. If we are just eating to fill our stomachs and stay healthy, then I guess we can go ahead and modify the recipe according to our own preference. Please do look out for any allergic reactions as everyone is different.

In the show, we used the following :-

300g of broccoli cut into individual florets (this was rather tricky for me but I am sure anyone who is accustomed to cooking will not have a problem)

1 medium red onion cut in half and thinly sliced (Is there any way to cut onions without crying? If you do know of a way, please do let me know too!)

2 inch ginger thinly sliced

1 tablespoon of soy sauce

2 tablespoon of vegetable oil

salt to taste with a pinch of brown sugar

So, we wash the broccoli well. Then we blanch in it boiling water for 1 minute. The colour of the broccoli will change to a brighter green. This is true! It did as you saw in the show. Then we drain the broccoli of the hot boiling water and immediately place it in a bowl of cold water. We drain it and set aside.

Then we heat the oil in the pan. Make sure that the oil is sufficiently heated up first. Then we proceed to saute the ginger and onion till its all fragrant and nice. Then, we add the soy sauce. We stir fry for a bit and we add the broccoli.

Stir briskly to mix all the ingredients well and thoroughly. Add the salt and pinch of sugar to taste. And it's done. Ready to be served and eaten! My favourite part - the eating!

There are many health benefits that broccoli provides. As I have mentioned some of them in the show. In the cookbook, there is a chart that spells out all the goodness and nutritional benefits of each vegetable and ingredient. I love that chart! It's so informative and useful.

What's even better - it also informs us of the side effects,  if any. Like cooking at high temperatures will destroy much of the nutritional value in broccoli. That's why its recommended that we blanch and stir fry briskly. Not too long. In fact, eating raw is really best. Sorry, I can't pull that one off. I can probably eat raw carrots, cucumber and tomatoes, may be some lettuce - but that's it! Well, if it was absolutely necessary, may be I shall be persuaded. But for now, I'll stick to blanching and stir frying.

I really recommend the cookbook. It's only RM20! Very, very cheap. Especially when we consider its healing benefits. So, when you get the book, we can cook together and share more of our cooking experiences together.

Do drop us a note to share your favourite vegetarian recipes and your own vegetarian journey. We would love to hear from you! We appreciate any comments that helps us to improve the show further.

Until the next episode, I'll leave you with this lovely quote from Tsem Rinpoche.


"I would like everybody to have good health, to be free of pain and medicinal problems and to have a very long life."  

VEG & THE CITY - TWO GIRLS AND A COOK BOOK (first episode)

Can a cookbook really launch a journey?

Well, apparently it can.

In VEG & THE CITY, two girls played by Shin Tan and myself, begin their vegetarian journey with the help of a cookbook. The cookbook is part of a house warming gift from their neighbour, Ms. Jamie Khoo.

The show is an all-new series to promote vegetarianism as a healthy lifestyle that is fun, simple, easy and convenient. The show chronicles our every day life drama as vegetarians in the city of Kuala Lumpur.

In the first episode, I cooked (yes, really cooked) a dish from the cookbook. It's Broccoli sauteed with Onion and Ginger. For more information about the cookbook, EAT HEALTHY DAILY, please click here.

EAT HEALTHY DAILY is not only a vegetarian cookbook, it also provides healing through food. Each recipe has been specially selected for its healing properties.

It  is a recipe book of simple vegetarian dishes and more. It is a book of dietary strategies to successfully combat the drawback of modern civilization’s health ills, including cancer, diabetes and obesity. Poor eating habits and too much processed food are hardly conducive to good health. Obesity, as well as diabetes, with attendant problems is on the rise. Cancer, no respecter of status, hits at everyone, rich and poor.

“People sometimes forget to take their medication but they never forget to eat. It’s human nature. We must have our meals every single day. If the food we consume can help prevent illness, then this food is better than any kind of medicine.”


Seriously, if I can cook, anyone can cook. And this is proof that the cookbook is extremely user-friendly and easy to follow.


Hope you all enjoy the show and as we say, "SEE YOU ALL IN THE NEXT EPISODE!"

THE FALL and RISE

I used to be so naive. I used to think that I was such a nice person and that I was a poor little helpless victim of life.

When things fell apart, I would lock myself in the room and cry for days. I was crying for me. Poor me, sad me, pitiful me, oh, woe is me!

And it went on like this for years. I'd get into bouts of depression because things failed or I was found to have made a big mistake.

Upon closer inspection, I was more sad because I was found out or that the mistake was actually created by me and I was the cause of the problems.

No, I didn't like that one bit.

I had failed to see where I had gone wrong and how I had created the causes for things to fall apart. I was more than willing to assign the blame and responsibility to someone else. It made me feel better to know it was not me, but someone else or something else.

I know it is twisted. 

I wanted to be the captain of the ship, but I did not want to be held accountable. I wanted to chart my own destiny, but I did not want to be blamed when things go wrong. And that is just for starters.

The truth is, I have always wanted the glory, the fame and the recognition. I gave, helped and donated because I wanted people to like me and say that I am a nice person. My motivation to do many things were not altogether, pure. It was always stained with some self-serving desire. 

For years, I did not even realise this until one day, I got involved with helping in one of Kechara Soup Kitchen's charitable event back in 2008. The real ugly me made its presence felt and known. Not just to one person, but to many people, including my mentor and Guru. 

Slowly, but surely, I had allowed a monster to take over all of me. How did it happen? Simple, really. As long as I remained attached to wanting to be liked, recognised and praised for things that I did not accomplish, I was feeding the monster in me. As long as I allowed myself to think only of me and what I wanted at the cost of others, I was fueling the fire of the monster. 

Would I say that the monster was the real me? Yes, it was. But the monster was just part of me. It was NOT all of me. However, I had to sum up all my courage to DEFINE THAT - separating a monster inside me from taking over all of me. 


In life, we go through all kinds of situations. Sometimes, we screw up big time and we fall. But we do not have to stay there and stay down. 


When I was found out, I still fought to look innocent and refused to bear the part of my responsibilities. This was how stubborn and self-serving I was. I was more intent for the blame to fall on others. This is how our self-cherishing ego works all the time.


Because I was more interested in pitying myself and feeling sad for myself, my depression became the key for the monster to grow even bigger than it was already.


By the time I had the courage to look myself in the mirror, I could no longer see myself. Then, I began to doubt who I was really and what kind of person I was deep inside. 

Self-piteous depression is a cold sharp knife with an edge at the tip. The edge is deliberately designed as such so that when the knife plunges into your heart, it'll rip it apart while pulling out all your insides, leaving nothing unscathed. Well, that is how it felt like, to me.

I'd spend days and nights feeling sorry for myself and feeling depressed. Paralyzed in that state. What I didn't realise was that my depression had consumed me. And it was leading me down a spiral staircase into the pit of darkness. Without thinking clearly, I gladly followed the steps down. Before I knew it, I was falling.

When we keep bashing ourselves for the wrongs we have done but not spend any time on thinking how to resolve the situation and learn from them, then we will not grow. We will definitely descend further away from our sanity and our spirituality.

Depression is a double edge sword. It can fool us into thinking we are a victim and we continue in our own self-pity party but never grow. Or, it can delude us into believing that we are the cause of the problems and we stay imprisoned in our sadness. Either way, depression works only to stop us from moving on and progressing. 

I learnt that the hard way. 

After the fall, rising is difficult and even painful.

But I can honestly share, that it is well worth it. We can beat ourselves up but how does that make us into a better person and grow from here? What is the most important lesson that we need to learn here? Do we even know it?

It is not easy to rise, I know. I have been there. But if we do not rise, what will become of us? Will we always be defined by our falls and mistakes? 

Do not be fooled by our own sadness, or depression. Do not be deluded by our own tears. They do not help us in any way to grow and progress further. Really, they do not. All they do is drain us of our energy which should have been invested for better and more positive use - to turn things around. 


"We move ahead a few steps, then we go back a few steps…we find it hard to battle the ‘inner demons’ within ourselves fighting all the time…we find the secret struggles never end…it almost seems futile… we find transformation so difficult. Does it get any easier? It doesn’t get easier. The battle never stops. It gets worse and the struggles will bring us down. THAT IS GOOD. If there was no battle, then we know we are on the wrong path. The battle is actually our own efforts….efforts long overdue and weak at this point. Sometimes we fall because most of the time we were down, and now we are starting to get up, as we get up we fall. The fact that we fall, means we are getting up again and again. Remember Buddha under the Bodhi Tree in the last watch of the night, the maras attacked Him full force…even one so close to Buddhahood was attacked…so imagine for us? Never give up..because there is nothing to give up for." ~ Tsem Rinpoche

When we get up and fight, we are fighting for our right to become a better person and not remain as the monster or selfish person that we have been. Every individual is made up of many characteristics. We possess both the good and bad. But it is only through challenging situations, that we get to see what we are made of and what is the level of our mind.

When the shit hits the fan is when we will see where we are really at, in terms of our spiritual practice and our state of mind. We will see very clearly how stable or unstable we are, as we get thrown into various circumstances. Having experienced my share of "shit-hitting-the-fan" scenarios, I know better now. Instead of being afraid or sad, I'd focus and observe my mind and see how it is reacting.

Understand that our mind is only reacting to what we are attached to. And if we truly want to conquer the demons within, and kill the enemy within, we will not hesitate to look deeper and keep digging. FIND OUT THE TRUTH ABOUT OURSELVES, even if it is scary.

In Vajrayana practice, we are very fortunate because we have a Vajra Master, or the Guru who would create different situations for us to purify our karma and face our demons. Sometimes, the Vajra Master or Guru would even manifest different personas for us to face our enemy within. And this is actually a very good thing.

So, instead of being afraid or sad, no matter how wrathful or painful it can get, welcome this with open arms. Be very grateful that we have such a precious opportunity to purify our bad karma and even assassinate the enemy within.

Yes, it is not easy, I know. NOTHING GOOD IS EVER EASY.  ALL BAD THINGS ARE EASY TO DO.

This is where trust and faith in our Guru will be severely tested and demonstrated.

If we calm ourselves and think clearly, we will come to appreciate how kind our Guru is to put himself or herself through such a process in order to help us.

Just imagine that in our bodies lie a very toxic poison that is both lethal to us as much as it is to anyone who even attempts to extract this poison out from us. However, if this poison is not removed from us, we can never heal completely. It gets worse, from one life to the next, if we believe in karma. And even if you don't believe in karma, you will experience its terminal effects in this very life alone. If there is no antidote, we cannot be cured. Simple as that.

Now, imagine that immense kindness and compassion of the Vajra Master and Guru who takes the risk and responsibility upon himself or herself, to extract this venom from us so that our healing can begin. Fully knowing that the poison could kill him or her, in the process. This is how much our Gurus and Vajra Masters care for us all.

So, while we are so engrossed in our own self-pity party or anger or disappointments, we may not even realize how much our Gurus truly care for us. We may find it hard to maintain a pure view of our Gurus because we are more concerned with consoling ourselves. Hence, trust and faith in one's Guru is so crucial in Vajrayana. Especially more so when the Guru is extracting every poison out of our bodies. Bear in mind, our Gurus are not dealing with just one body or one person. Our Gurus have many students and friends who need just as much help. So, imagine how much work our Gurus have before him or her, if you can.

"No one wants to suffer. No one wants to feel pain. No one wishes to die. To make others suffer, feel pain and killing them will invite the same. Karma is blind to race, creed, religion, background, beliefs and understanding. It is universal. Never harm anyone or anything. Karma is ever recording our deeds." ~Tsem Tulku Rinpoche

Suffering is a state of mind. And it is very different from person to person. And it is not easy to see beyond our own suffering, while we are going through it. However, if we did not have any trace of the self-cherishing venom in us, we would not be experiencing any suffering in the first place. Also, if we did not create the causes for certain situations to arise, they can never arise.

At the end of it all, the most important question we should ask ourselves is, do we want the causes of our suffering to end? Not just temporary but permanently.

If we do, then we need to rise after our fall.

We need to rise as quickly as possible, and not waste more time in our suffering.

Yes, we do not need to dedicate more time into our suffering than necessary.

Focus on what truly helps us grow, learn and move on. We will gain a much better and stronger us in the end.

There may be monsters and demons that reside within each of us, but there are also angels, heroes and the Buddha nature that are also within every one of us.


Recognise which is the real enemy and attack the real enemies, not our saviours, friends and Gurus. More importantly, do not just beat up ourselves over and over. Only our enemies within.










May virtue always triumph in each of us.

MAY WE WIN EVERY FIGHT AND NEVER GIVE UP.