Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Realization came, but a little too late...

So, it took me a long while to walk this path.

Fear had ruled over me for as long as I can remember.

Imagine wasting more than half of my life on being afraid. So afraid that I did not allow myself to go after the things I truly wanted, to try the things that could have opened up my mind or enriched my life, say the things I should have said and the list goes on.

Imagine living with fear and nothing else. Believing that I am safe because I will not tread beyond my own comfort zones and step across the yellow lines of false security.

So much inner dialogue I had to uphold in order to maintain the status quo and even more so, to convince myself that it is the best thing for me right now.

How many of us have deprived ourselves from living the life we should have led and denying the person we could have become?

In actual fact, we become someone else entirely so far remote from the person we are meant to be. Hence, we dwell in an existance of lies and we do not even realise it.

We build fortresses of delusions and facades to hide our own deception.

Isn't it funny that we tend to lie to ourselves more than anyone else has ever deceived us in our entire lives?

To see the fallacy of it all, one has to desire living out the truth in the first place.

To have the desire to live in all honesty requires one to be the seeker of truth and not an escapist of truth.

So, in the last few years, I had to find the courage inside me to face myself.

Surrendering demands that I don't just bare all. But I must also own up to my flaws, delusions, lies, weaknesses, faults and mistakes. It meant that I should stop running away, hiding and play cover-ups.

It was about coming into the light and seeing the real me for the very first time.

Most people would not approve and would not be able to endure. For no one likes to think that they have any traces of "bad" in them, or that they are somehow responsible for everything that has gone wrong in their lives. No, their first and natural instinct is always to blame someone else or something outside of them.

And I cannot help but ask myself - why?

Who created this concept that we should not be held responsible for the bad things in our life, but only take credit for the good stuff?

Who instilled the idea that we are not capable of healing ourselves in the first place?

Why must saving ourselves always come from the outside, or become someone else's task and responsibility?

At the end of the day, if we do not save ourselves, who would?

If we do not work hard at lifting ourselves from our own misery and pain, who could?

Why can't we even commit to helping ourselves on a daily basis? Is it any wonder then, no one can also commit to us? Is this not what this society has become - a community of commitment-phobics, masters of disguise and lies, escapists of truth, valour and values...

Is this what humanity has evolved into after years of civilisation and advancement?

Sometimes it seems that the more advanced we seem to get, the more degraded our behaviour becomes. Especially, the health of our mind.

So, I asked myself, why should I continue in this way when it has not fulfilled me in the least.

What has any of my old ways done for me but dig a hole with a tombstone ready on the side?

Am I not worth something more? Do I not deserve the opportunity to rise and become the best of me, instead of living life as a lesser me?

So, I stood up that day and said to myself, I want a different life for myself.

I imagined that I can have a much more meaningful life and I was prepared to work at it, seek it out and find the answers to all my riddles. Even if in the beginning, I know it would be hard, volatile and unstable.

I just did not want to keep running or denying.

So, the first thing I did was find myself a Guru.

I did not want to start a new path without a real spiritual guide.

I wanted to reconcile my body, heart and mind.

I wanted all three of them to be in sync.

Thus began my life, at long last and the adventure never ends.

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