SURRENDER CAN BE GOOD

In Shakespeare's Macbeth - we see what happens to a man when his ambition becomes his obsession. It led to his damnation. Macbeth is one of the great 7 tragedies from Shakespeare. It is one of my favourite because it deals with one of the darkest afflictions of humanity - attachment.

Our attachments are no different than Macbeth's self-serving ambition. Whatever it is that we are attached to becomes our obsession. Different obsessions plague us in varying degrees. As long as we are governed by our attachments, we will never know the true meaning of freedom. 

How can we be truly free when we reside within the prisons of our attachments?

And who would know better than we, ourselves - what we are really attached to and how these attachments have led us down paths we truly regret, or the madness that goes inside our minds when we do not get what we want, etc. So, to exemplify - it is not the object that we we abstain from or renounce. It is our attachment to that object. How we react when we don't have it, what we do without it? 

Many people have the misconception that all Buddhists do is renounce and renounce. Hence, a lot of people assume that we, Buddhists, can't possibly live our lives to the fullest or even enjoy our lives in any way. Honestly, it is really not about renouncing life. It is about renouncing our very bad habits, attachments, fears and insecurities. There is a BIG difference. 

Don't just recoil because you see words like renunciation, abstinence and surrender. Understand what these words really mean and what they entail. So, in Buddhism, we may use huge words like renunciation, but the real renunciation comes from us breaking ourselves away from our attachments. 

As I learn more about Buddhism and renunciation, it invites me to look deeper into myself and discover what is it that I am really attached to. Freedom is not being happy only when we have what we want or just wanting and needing. Freedom is feeling happy and at peace, even when we don't have and we don't need to want.

Please read more about what Tsem Rinpoche explains about our attachments in here.

One of my biggest attachments revolve around yearning for approval, fame or recognition. This has led to me to do many things which I have come to regret. Most of the things I did were not things I really wanted to do. Hence, in the end, I never felt any sense of accomplishment or found any fulfillment in them. Most of the time, I'd abandon a project or task half way because I really found no meaning in them. This is just one of the many reasons as to why I have not done much in my life, and did not work for anything in my life. There are other reasons attributing to my complete lack of material success, but this is one of them. 

In the end, I realised that the only true fulfillment I received all came from doing spiritual work. Or any spiritual related work. I am not saying that this is the right path for everyone. I am only sharing my experience and discovery.

Here, I'd like to share an advice which Tsem Rinpoche gave me - 

And Shirley, if you have accomplished nothing in the material world at all for whatever reasons, let it be, accomplish everything in the spiritual world. It's not an escape or to make up or to gain face, but it's the only thing THAT REALLY MATTERS WHETHER PEOPLE ACCEPT THIS OR NOT. 

I found my deepest gratification and meaning in doing spiritual work. Truly, I have and do. Nothing comes to close to it. Everything suddenly made sense whenever I do spiritual related work. And there are going to be people and friends who will never understand or accept. And I do not expect them to either. Each of us view success differently. Each of us have different definitions of success.

I equate mine with spirituality.

There are many people who take the road less travelled and do things just very differently. Some find joy and purpose in creating a FB page on a cause or become an activist. Some find immense gratification in marrying the richest guy who will have them and settle into a life of leisure, luxury and comfort. Others may find most enjoyment out of saving animals or promoting good healthy living.

There are many different types of individuals in our world and we are all motivated by different things. I know some people who wouldn't mind giving up their entire lives to save the poor and those less fortunate like Tony Meloto and Mother Teresa. Yet there are people who would only be satisfied if they have the car, big house, wife and kids. 

There is no wrong or right.

As a parent, I would like to believe that we help our children to grow and find their own place in this world. We would not expect them to live our lives or our notion of what life should be. We can offer advice and guide, but we cannot shelter them from the mistakes they need to make in order to grow and become better.

Everyone's learning curve is also as unique. Just as everyone's pace and time to blossom and bloom are also very personal.

And if we do want to help someone or even our children, we should remember that we are helping them to become who they are meant to be, not what we think they should be. Many parents fail to see this. If we support someone or our children, support in a way that they continue to become the best of who they are meant to be - even if this may be very different from your idea of success and accomplishment. Otherwise, do not offer to help, give or support. Because if we hold any form of expectations, then we are offering to help with strings attached and with conditions. Then, this form of help and support cannot be real.

I think the above applies to everyone and every single situation - whether we choose to help or support a friend, a sibling, a family member, an organization or a charity event.

As of now, I have plans to create more causes for my spiritual journey to deepen. I love this message from Tsem Rinpoche below -

So whatever you are doing now, do not look at others on your left or right, you just look straight ahead and do it! 

I used to compare and compete.

I used to look everywhere to see where I was at.

I'd like to NOT do these things anymore and just concentrate on what I need to do and do them with the best of my ability. Most importantly, do them with all my heart.

As Tsem Tulku Rinpoche says, "So the vows are not suppose to stop you from enjoying what you like or labelling it negative..It is more the perception of what you like. The vows help you to step back and see the reality of your attachments, likes, dislikes, activities and where they bring you….And keep the music playing please…"

Seriously, I have never been happier and more at peace than I am right now.


It's really because I have found myself and understood what I want from my life. And what I want from my life, extends to all lifetimes.


If you are really a friend or if you really care about my happiness and peace, just be glad for me and rejoice that I am no longer lost and clueless.


That would be so nice and I'd appreciate that very much.


I sincerely thank every single person who has helped me, supported me and especially those, who never gave up on me.


Most importantly, I thank those who took the trouble to understand me even when I could not understand myself.


Thank you from my heart.

May the music of love, care, compassion and understanding always play on.

Where the Battle Wages On....

The landscape is charred, 


The ground is stained with fresh blood - 


All mine.




My stomach churns


As my head aches


My whole body feels drained,


Exhausted and shattered




I was just here yesterday


I thought I had conquered this region


The smell of a long endless war swarms the air




A new realisation crept into my tired mind,


As long as we are still stuck in samsara


The battles never end.

Yes, we get completely bruised, wounded beyond recognition and even get thrown from Hell and back.


It feels like that sometimes.


And it feels so real.


Sometimes I think I am deliberately being pushed and beaten into submission - submit to giving up....and yet I cannot bring myself to believe that I cannot break through.


I guess, at the end of the day, I do want to break through and this is why I do WANT to continue.


There are many terrible days - too many to list, but then again, I have been the only one who is responsible for all this. 


I am the one who created all of it. Hence, I must go through the consequences.






We are all the product of our own Karma.


We created all of it. 


So, if we created it - we can definitely correct it or make it better. 


This is how Dharma empowers us to take control of our lives.


There are days whereby I don't even know if I am winning or losing, but I believe as long as I do not stop - then I am definitely winning. 


If I do stop - it means I have given up and it all ends right there.


What really ends?


The potential for us to become better - our best will not be realised and we will never know what we are truly made of.




Here, I would like to share the words of my Perfect Guru - H. E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche -




"We move ahead a few steps, then we go back a few steps...we find it hard to battle the 'inner demons' within ourselves fighting all the time...we find the secret struggles never end...it almost seems futile... we find transformation so difficult. 


Does it get any easier? 


It doesn't get easier. 


The battle never stops. 


It gets worse and the struggles will bring us down. 


THAT IS GOOD. 


If there was no battle, then we know we are on the wrong path. The battle is actually our own efforts....efforts long overdue and weak at this point. 


Sometimes we fall because most of the time we were down, and now we are starting to get up, as we get up we fall. The fact that we fall, means we are getting up again and again. 


Remember Buddha under the Bodhi Tree in the last watch of the night, the maras attacked Him full force...even one so close to Buddhahood was attacked...so imagine for us? 


Never give up..because there is nothing to give up for." ~ Tsem Rinpoche

H.E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche advises -


"It's hard to change for the better because we were THAT much longer in self indulgence not thinking of others. 


So changing now will take monumental efforts, but if you don't, it becomes THAT much harder in the future. 


You'll end up so stuck, you really can't get out. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop thinking over and over how hard it is. 


Stop wondering if you are going the right way and JUST PRACTICE DHARMA AND DO DHARMA WORK!"






If we seriously think that everything is so hard now, it will not get any easier later on.


Improving oneself takes consistent effort and time - only then we will see the results that we seek.


The real question we should be asking ourselves is ARE YOU WORTH ALL THE TIME AND EFFORT?




For a long time, I didn't realise what Rinpoche was trying to show me, and teach me.


Rinpoche was always trying to show me if I did not even think that I was worth any time or effort and I would not even stick through for me - then it would not be possible for me to do any of it for someone else.


Hence, is it any wonder that most of the time I failed in my past relationships - be it with friends, families or loved ones.


At the end of the day, the relationships we have with those around us reflect the real relationship we conduct with ourselves.


So, whatever you are involved in and whatever you are doing - whatever it is called, labelled or named - just do it and go all the way, because it is really for you.

In Tibetan Buddhism, we practice Dharma and do Dharma work because in that DHARMIC process we can finally start transforming from our lesser self to a much better self.


As Rinpoche always say, whatever that makes you a better person and helps you to become better will be the most suitable path for you. Then, just do it and go all the way with it.


I am going all the way because I do want to become a better person for all the people I love and only then, I can do more for those around me.


I wish everyone who is on their journey the very best.


May we never ever give up.


May we never be afraid to continue with the struggle.


May we truly WIN the war.


See you at the "finish line".

The Pursuit of Happiness - Everlasting Happiness, not Temporary Pleasures

They say that there are many ways to finding happiness. 


Some people believe that success will make them happy, while others believe that love will complete them.


It took me a long time to discover but I am beginning to understand now.


Happiness is the key to a true success in life. Not the other way around.


Material and financial success can only satisfy an individual for a period of time. After the recognition, the wealth, fame and social status - what then? 


All things material - however good or shiny and glamourous it may be - do not last. Hence, the happiness that is derived or defined by these things would not last either.


For those who believe that love is the answer to everything. Yes, you may be right. 


But the real question is - DO YOU KNOW HOW TO LOVE WITHOUT AGENDA?


DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS OR EVEN LOOKS LIKE?


Generally, all of us think we are in love with someone and we actually tell ourselves that we love that someone.


But in truth, we are actually in love with the way that someone gives us what we want, when we want it and how we want it. We have certain rules, expectations and conditions about this so-called love.


Our kind of love IS ONE THAT HOLDS A LONG LIST OF AGENDAS.


And the worst part is - we would never disclose to our partners or spouses. And if they keep getting it wrong, we'll blame them and become very upset. Even to the point of wanting to leave them.


Our kind of love is one governed by self-serving interests.


We are only happy when they do what we like and want.


It is all about us and judged from our own point of reference.


There is no such thing as a selfless and unconditional love.


If there ever was a period of selflessness and unconditional loving, it only happened at the very beginning of the courtship - when we want to attract and win the special someone over.


After getting that someone and for some, after marrying that someone - things begin to go downhill.


WHY?


Because more and more expectations start to seep in. More un-expressed rules and conditions come into play. And they become more important to us than the person we used to adore and yearn to be with.


Yes, our expectations, our conditions and rules become the most important key factors in our relationships. It is no longer about that special someone and it will soon cease to become fun, romantic and lovely dovey.


Soon, it becomes a chore to even talk to one another.


Before you know it, you can't even stand the sight of each other and you just want to punch each other's faces.


THAT IS HOW WE GENERALLY LOVE at this day and age.


Honestly, I have spent many years trying to figure out why we do these things to one another. 


How did the person we used to cherish become the person we wish to be perished from the face of the earth?


How did heaven suddenly become hell?


Believe it or not, it is only recently that the answers began to dawn on me.


MOST OF US REALLY DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LOVE.


We all want love and to be loved. But to really love in return is much harder to do than just to say, "I LOVE YOU."


So, if our happiness is based on such a deformed perception of love, then how can we truly be happy?


If our ideas and beliefs about love or life and people are so stained with expectations, rules and conditions - we will never truly see someone as how he or she really is.


We will only see what we want to see.


So, what is the solution then?


Here, I can only share my own experiences and speak for myself. I share them because I hope they would be of some use to anyone out there who is also on a search to finding the truth and not running away and resorting to blaming someone else.

Here is my two cents' worth -




Finding happiness is like finding yourself. 


Take a moment to think about this, please.


If you do not know yourself and you do not know what you want out of life and you simply do not understand yourself, how can you expect anyone else to do the job well?


And why would you put that responsibility on someone else when it is really yours to begin with, and it will also end with you?


If you are always expecting someone else to understand you better than yourself, or know you better than yourself while you are still trying to figure out your life or dreams/goals in life - then you are definitely setting up the both of you for failure.


You don't find happiness, you make happiness by taking the journey within.


And yes, this is a journey you must take alone - though you can invite others to join you, if they choose to or like to. You do not force it upon others. And no, it does not mean that they do not love you more if they do not want to come along.


This journey is really for you in order to become a better you.


Self-actualization is a process of discovering who you are, who you want to be and understanding yourself. 


After under-going all that - then you would start to see yourself as who you really are and who you aspire to be.


Without going through this, everyone is in the dark - including yourself. 


Here, constant open communication is very important. 


We must be able to talk openly and honestly with our partners or spouses. We must want to share and grow together. Otherwise, only one person is growing and moving ahead while the other one is being left behind.


There are no hard and fast rules here or a magic cure-all formula.


Every couple and individual are unique and different.


But if there is zero communication - then we are shutting the other person out.


If one is single, then it is a different story. You can take your time to discover and learn. 


But there is one thing I'd like to stress here - this journey is an on-going thing. It only ends when we end. I.e. when we die.


Growth and development does not stop.


So, you will find that we need to work at paving the way to happiness by doing what brings YOU the most meaning and contentment to your life over the long run - not some temporary pursuit of pleasures, lusts and joy.


Everlasting happiness is possible when we work for it and create the causes for it.


If we have spent our lives chasing every skirt or pair of pants - that is all we will find at the end of our time on earth. Nothing real and lasting.


If we refuse to open up and take a chance, we will always live in fear and distrust - we will never experience real love and real happiness.


If we do not want to invest time and effort in cultivating relationships, how can you expect that you will magically find it one day? it will not just land on your lap.


Seriously, no one is perfect.


We all have our flaws, idiosyncrasies, weaknesses, fears, insecurities, etc. No one is spared from any of these.


Also, the different up-bringing and childhood and life experiences each person goes through will make them into the people they are today.


Everyone is really very unique and yet the same.


We are the same because we all want love and happiness.


We treasure peace, harmony and unity.


Now, if we can learn to be sources of all the above, wouldn't all of us make the people around us also much happier people too - including ourselves?


When we are a source of joy - we will bring joy and give joy to everyone we meet.


When we are a source of love and understanding - that is what we will give to those around us.


If we are the opposite, then thats the exact results that we will receive and experience.


Everyone has in some point of their lives, loved and lost love.


Everyone has, at some point in time, broken someone else's heart as much as getting their own hearts broken in return.


But let us NOT be governed by only the pain, misery and continue this cycle of emotional agony.


Let us NOT create the same pain and misery unto others.


No one deserves to be hurt. No one needs to suffer.

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” — Helen Keller

Don't hang on to the past, or your anger or your pain - let it all go.

Forgive them in the same way as you will learn to forgive yourself.

Your future need not be a repeat of your past or even your present.

It can be and should be much better.

We just need to learn how to love better and become better people for those we truly love.


In all this time, I finally realised that if we truly love the people we love - we will never stop wanting to become better people for them. 


Because in becoming better people, we can give more care, create more love and happiness with everyone who is important to us.


If you truly love someone, you will really push yourself to become a better person for that someone.


You will never stop improving yourself and you will not feel tired in wanting to make that someone happy.


Why? Because your love is real and is without agenda.


Until you can love without agenda, you will not know what true love means.


You will only have a superficial version of it.


Here, I make a strong wish for everyone -


May each person find their own true happiness. 


May each person find strength in our own vulnerability and have the courage to love without expectations, conditions and rules.


May each of us work hard to nurture and build that happiness to last our entire lifetimes.

 “Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling.” — Margaret Lee Runbeck

It does help, when we choose the right companions too. So, choose wisely.

Happiness, if not now, when?

Obsession with Tibetan Buddhism? Who, Me?

Someone recently commented that I am obsessed with Tibetan Buddhism, and to this person, it is actually puzzling.

Putting things into perspective - I believe that everyone should be less obsessed with themselves and their own pursuits of pleasures in life, but rather cultivate a real concern for their ultimate benefit in life.

At this day and age, where everyone is chasing after money, sex, relationships, ambitions and temporal pleasures - yet no one seem to say that these are obsessive.

But when someone shows great devotion and commitment towards self-liberation or even self-transformation, that is regarded as obsessive?

Yes, I find that puzzling indeed.

People would condone materialism and the pursuit of materialism, to the point of applauding it and yet, discriminate against someone who is making a genuine effort to better themselves. Very strange.

Then again, our society has descended into this state without accident. All the decades of encouraging capitalism and self-indulgence have certainly cement a certain self-absorbed way of life and mind set.

Hence, those who wish to break free from such a deluded way of life would seem quite starking mad.

I don't think I am obsessed with Buddhism, but I am very obsessed with just becoming a better person, especially after being such a bitch for so long. I think I have earned the right to tell the difference from what's downright bad and what's truly good - for myself, at the least.

Here, being obsessed is not an extreme paranoid case - I mean it with a serious dash of humour.

There should always be a lightness about one's journey of transformation. And this is simply mine. I am seriously committed to it and yet, I am not paranoid about it.

When anything becomes an obsession it is no longer objective and if it not objective, how can it be helpful?

How much anyone would understand from this little post is not dependent on my words, but the level of your maturity and experience in life so far. Whether you relate or not, it is not for me to say. After all, you also have your own issues to work with.

Don't we all?

In any case, I have found my peace and my answers through Buddhism.

I am sure to each their own.

As long as it does help you to become better, it is already a very good thing.

Me - I am just living day by day, doing my best to ensure I do not fall backwards to become a bitch who ought to remain dead to the world.

While she lay silent in her grave, I shall have to face the consequences and clean up the mess she left behind.

We are the same and yet not.

I have moved on - thanks to Buddhism.

She remains where she is until her karma catches up with her.

And yes, karma is very much like old ghosts from the past. They will always find ways to catch up with us.

All I can say is serve me right for being such a spoilt brat in the first place.

Even after much realization, I still have much amends to make.

Now whether I can purify the damage of my past fast enough without incurring more in the present so that my future will not be as bleak - that remains to be seen.

The mind is a maze of sorts. It can play tricks and disguises itself so well.

At every stage, I still have to fight and struggle - nothing comes naturally at this point in time.

It still takes a lot of effort - conscious effort and much reflection - long, deep and hard.

Our so-called reality, which we fight so hard to hang onto, change all the time.

With every new discovery and upon learning something new - our minds expand further and wider.

Frankly, this is all I really care about.

Because this is what helps us grow as individuals.

Fortunately, I found my salvation and solace in Tibetan Buddhism.

And I sincerely hope that everyone will find their own form of salvation or path to a better self.

Whatever works for you, would be the one for you.

In my case, Buddhism totally works for me.

The Journey Intensifies...

I know it has been a very long time since I last wrote.

Well, a lot has taken place and I have taken a different turn at the fork of my spiritual path.

My absence has been attributed to my being in an intensive retreat.

There were days I did not want to continue with it anymore and there were the days when I asked myself what am I doing all this for?

There is so much that I can never probably share with my family members and they may never understand anyways. That is fine.

It does not change how I feel about them and why I would continue in this path.

They always say that the highest gift of love is to give of oneself - completely.

Frankly, I always thought that it was mere B.S.  Because I have never seen someone giving of themselves to anyone - completely.

It is typical isn't it? Just because we did not see something, we will say it does not exist and just because we could not do something, we will say it cannot be done.

We will always measure people and life according to our point of reference and our own personal agenda.

Everyone harbours a motive - there is no such thing as no motive.

On the most ordinary level, someone might do a lot of things for someone because he or she wants that person to like him or her.

On the highest level, we may do things because we truly want to help someone without any expectations. This is when we give ourselves to others.

In our ordinary world and lives, these benevolent acts are rare and they are never consistent.

Because, at the end of the day, we will demand something in return - however subtle or subconsciously it may be hidden.

Over the past two months, I have been thinking about the course of my life and certain decisions need to be made.

I had enough of running and hiding.

I had enough of playing pretense and games, even if it is just with my own mind.

I had enough of chasing after temporal success and pleasures.

I am done with the samsara's brand of lifestyle.

There is always side effects and prices to pay at the end. Worst of all, someone or a few someones would always get hurt in the process. How can that be a good thing, ever?

The longer I deny and take my time, the more I would be wasting.

One day it struck me - how can I claim to love anyone at all when I just refuse to give myself to anyone? Not even to myself?

I say this because I will not even lift a finger to help myself in the real sense.

Everything I have done so far is very superficial. It barely scraps the surface. And I did not want to get my hands dirty - so-to-speak.

I wanted liberation, but only at a distance.

I wanted happiness, but without putting any effort.

I wanted results, but with the easiest and most convenient route to me.

How can I keep demanding everything from my own self-preserved stance?

Then is it any wonder that I did not see any results within myself?

We're talking about real results here. Not those which will change and fluctuate madly like the stock market.

Real attainments and realizations do not go away today and come back tomorrow. They are consistent and real. They will only deepen and strengthen over time. Not the other way around.

So, I took stock of the sum of my life.

That barren landscape of inconsistencies and indecisiveness, marked by intense sloth.

The truth was simple enough and it stared straight into my eyes.

If I truly love the people I claim to love, then I would cease living for myself.

I would start living for them.

And what does that actually mean?

Well, it means doing everything for their ultimate good.

Even if I hated every moment of it. Even if I am lousy at it.

Even if I am dead tired and have reached a point beyond fatigue.

Yes, even if I am not especially happy doing any of it.

You see, when we pledge or make a vow to love someone and give our lives over to benefiting others, it does not matter any more whether we like pink or white, whether tonight we will sleep 5 minutes or 5 hours, whether someone will even acknowledge our efforts or not, whether we will even get a small thank you.

No - none of that matters, because we are not operating from wanting anything for self, including self-praise.

It took me a long while to make this leap.

And I can honestly tell you, I did not leap without kicking, screaming, crying and swearing all the way.

Every DNA in my body rejected the very notion of selflessness.

Every fibre in my being rebuked the idea of going into Dharma full-time and all the way.

If they could, they would have veto-ed my decision.

And I am sure they tried their level best.

I was moody, petty, angry and irritable beyond words.

The times I allowed myself to vent and come undone was while I was driving alone in my car and in my bedroom.

That went on for a while, although it became lesser and lesser as time passed by.

Finally, today - I would just sit infront of my altar and offer up my confession to the Buddhas.

I would "unload" everything infront of them - every scar, every wound, every lie, each hurt and most of all, the joys and gratification of knowing that I am on my way to something much more.

Yes, I want to do Dharma work full-time,

Yes, I want to give my life over to the Three Jewels and dedicate my very deeds to those I hold dear.

They may never know and they may never understand, but this is the one and only time I would be investing on their behalf. This would be the only investment that is worth making and I would use all  of me to achieve this till the day I die.

I want to start living my life for others.

I want to surrender my life over to serve others.

Yes, that makes me very happy - darn exhausting, but it is the only deed/investment that matters.

Well worth every pain, tear and sweat.

I used to think that serving others was beneath me and that I deserve to live out my life in the way I wanted.

Well, what has that really given me or anyone around me?

What can be more fulfilling and joyful than giving up myself for those I love because I want to return all their kindness?

I can't think of anything better.

Seriously, Dharma work is the best job in the world.

Why?

Because while you heal yourself and win every internal battle, you can also heal others and help them win in their own internal battles.

Everyone wins in the end.

And no one is left behind.

Show me another job that can do the same - life after life, and the merits we collect accumulates with each succeeding compassionate act.

Honestly, Dharma is the only career worth investing for all lifetimes.

In Buddhism, I use the word: Dharma. But there are many words in other religions that mean the same thing.

So, once you have found what makes you a better person - then go all the way with it. You will win and those around you will win as well. They will win a much better friend, sister, brother, spouse or child.

This is the kind of happiness that lasts for all times.

So, here I stand.

Here, I surrender myself.