Monday, January 28, 2013

The Prison That Fear Made and We the willing captives

Memories fade
But the pain echoes
Wounds heal
But Fears reign
The way forward
Muddled with
Self-Doubts
And Disillusionment
Of Lessons
Learnt
And those
We need to Un-Learn




The road ahead lies
Like a mirage
So close
And yet so far
Dwelling in
Self-imposed Prisons
Like good little girls
Suffering becomes
Our medal of courage
Disturbing the silence
Of the tombs in our heart

When all is said and done
We only have misery for company
For we have been too afraid
Too conditioned by the chains
To break free and
LIVE in FREEDOM


FREEDOM TO SPEAK
FREEDOM TO DANCE
FREEDOM TO LOVE
FREEDOM TO CHOOSE
FREEDOM TO JUST BE


To die in prison, or to live in the vastness of freedom
We can be our own saviour and hero
Just as we can be our own oppressor and enemy
The choice is ours




Sunday, January 27, 2013

THE MANY SPLENDORED SHADES OF BEAUTIFUL


Beauty means different things to men and women. In fact, within the female community itself, beauty holds a variety of definitions. In the pursuit of that idealized beauty, many girls and women have subjected themselves to a motley of “transformations”. They still do to this day.

Here, the word: transformation encompasses a broad definition. It includes but is not limited to diets, makeovers, exercises, weight loss programs, cosmetic surgeries and etc.



The above quote is probably one of the reasons why we pursue beauty with such fervor. Whether you are a man or woman, we are all guilty by some measure in wanting to make ourselves more presentable, thinner and better looking. Some people even strive hard for it until it becomes an obsession.  Naturally, men and women differ in their pursuit of beauty. While I cannot speak for the men, I would like to offer my personal thoughts and experiences from a woman’s point of view. But before I do, here is my DISCLAIMER.

Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist, healer, doctor or an expert in the academic sense of the word. I have seen my fair share of therapists but have always found their advice rather dry and intellectual. These so-called specialists are after all only governed by their education and training, though it is all very commendable and respected, it is nothing like real life experiences. I have done my fair share of counseling and community work in helping others with their personal issues. However, I will never say that I am an authority figure on such matters. After all, I am also limited by own knowledge, experiences and observations. Therefore, please do not think that I am imposing my views on you but take it as a personal sharing. I do spend a great deal of time in researching, counseling and learning because I personally do want to understand more. For me, in understanding more, I am able to help, counsel and advise the people around me more effectively and compassionately. Hence, this is the purpose in all of my sharing.

Recently, many articles have been circulating in the net as well as in the real world on the subject of the feminine form and how the female gender have been made to “pay” for the “price” of beauty. Many have attributed the blame on the media and various social network/platforms. Some people have even assigned the blame to the male population which continues to objectify women.



After reading all those articles and debates - it is as if we, as women/girls, are so dissatisfied with ourselves that we need to break our original natural mould and re-create something “better” for ourselves. It seems that we like to fool ourselves into believing that it is all for the better. Otherwise, how would we convince ourselves to go through the pain of looking prettier, thinner and of turning ourselves "upside down" or beating up ourselves inside - in order to be "socially accepted" in our circles. Only the individual female knows the real price she has paid in the pursuit of her imagined ideal form of beauty. To the outside world watching, she looks perfectly groomed and well put together. If they only knew the truth! 

The sad thing is that I come away feeling as if the female population is so gullible and foolish that we would buy whatever B.S is thrown at us about beauty and we would willingly perpetuate the B.S amongst ourselves.  



Question: WHY DO WE INSIST ON TORTURING OURSELVES IN THIS MANNER, TIME AND TIME AGAIN?

We know it does not really solve all of our real problems.

We know it brings only a temporal happiness, because it is all superficial.

Ultimately, the changes are only physical. We are still the same unhappy, insecure and tormented soul trapped inside that shell of a body. We only look different but our internal world is still in shambles. All the “physical refurbishments” we have made does not change the view within.




I would like to share a very honest article from Kate Orazem. She shares a personal story of her pursuit of beauty and it is specifically about size/form. Read the original and entire article here.


What Women Lose In The Fight To Be Thin

I was anorexic and bulimic for many years. I never got bad enough to be hospitalized, but I was a scary-looking person. I'd stop getting my period for months at a time, and there was a constant sly whisper in my head saying worthless, undisciplined, fat. Skinny was my idol, starving my religion; I counted calories like I'd once prayed rosaries. I had a black notebook that I kept hidden behind a bookshelf in my room, and in it, every night, I wrote down four things: my weight, what I'd eaten, how much I'd exercised and how many times I'd thrown up. On good days, when I'd done hundreds of crunches and stuck to my diet of carrots and tea, I would feel virtuous, clean, filled with light. On bad days I'd curl up on my bathroom floor and sob, wondering why I was trapped in this thing, this body I hated, this clinging robe of flesh that I longed to discard.

Relationships seemed impossible; I couldn't imagine how anyone could ever want me the way I was. And so I spent a lot of time alone, at war with myself, doing quiet, devastating violence to my own body. There's a line from a poem I wrote at that age that comes back to me sometimes: I want to read my ribs like headlines. I thought there was some secret knowledge that thinness would bring me, some magic in it that would make me more successful, more lovely, more loved. I never found it.

In many ways, I am better now, but some things break and stay broke. I have a vivid memory of myself at 16, facing sideways in front of a mirror and pushing the skin of my sunken stomach into what I was sure was a potbelly. I stood there staring at my wasted frame, seeing, literally seeing, someone vast and bloated and monstrous staring back. How much can you ever rely on your senses again after that? How can you trust your own mind? There are other scraps of delusion that I can't ever seem to root out. I could still tell you without hesitation the number of calories in a handful of almonds or two and a half Saltines. I still steal glances at my reflection in shop windows and feel horrified at how thick my thighs are, or how round my cheeks. I am healthier and happier now, but I can't help but think I was prettier then. I can't shake the feeling that I'm locked in a body that I will never love.

I don't think I am alone in this. I think I am one of a multitude. I've met women my age who eat what they want and couldn't care less if they gain two pounds over Christmas, but I am convinced they are the exception, not the rule. The rule is that if you are a woman in America, you want nothing quite so much as you want to be a little smaller. The rule is you are always trying to lose.

It's no coincidence that this plague primarily strikes women (though I don't want to discount the growing number of men who struggle with disordered eating). As women, our bodies are not entirely our own, and we are not always able to avoid others' attempts to pass judgment on or make demands of or possess them. Having been made the emblems and objects of desire, we do our best to live up to the role, tithing gym trips and skipped dinners. Whole nations of women spend their hours not reading books or loving bands or making goddamn change but instead agonizing over the inches of a waist.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kate-orazem/body-image-what-women-lose-in-the-fight-to-be-thin_b_2551124.html?ref=topbar

Sadly, this mad pursuit of beauty is not just evident in America. It is a worldwide "epidemic" - it cuts through culture, races, beliefs and nationalities. Because it is really a social disease and a human affliction.

And if you want to argue that beautiful women definitely have it easier than the "plain Janes", because you think that only the non-beautiful ones are ignored and subjected to more suffering - please allow me to share the following the quote from the famous actress, Halle Berry.



"Let me tell you something - being thought of as a beautiful woman has spared me nothing in life. No heartaches, no trouble. Love has been difficult. Beauty is essentially meaningless and it is transitory."

I do not deny that being good looking has its benefits, but it does not SHIELD anyone from any pain or suffering. And it certainly does not mean that beautiful people are not insecure and that they do not have their own share of "personal hell". Underneath, we are all afflicted with the same issues, concerns, fears and etc.

The Power of Media

If we take the view that the media in all its form (including social networks/platforms) is to be blamed for distorting beauty in a certain way, and for objectifying women - the question still remains, why are we still buying it?

Why have we not turned our backs on the said media?

The media could churn out whatever they want to feed into the social system, but it is really up to us to decide and choose for ourselves. If we really want to make a stand, then stop buying into what the media spits out. 

When the buying stops, the B.S will end as well. Until then, it will continue.

When I was much younger, I used to benchmark beauty against those women featured in the magazines and movies. Of course, being Asian, I could never have blue eyes or green eyes and blonde hair naturally. Hence, I was happy to change my hair colour to something other than black and used coloured contacts to change the colour of my eyes. I worshipped people like Marilyn Monroe, Brooke Shields and Madonna. I thought they were the epitomes of beauty. I could not even name a single Asian actress to admire until they started breaking into the Hollywood scenes. For the longest time, I felt inadequate. As if I was never going to be good enough and attractive enough. By the sheer fact that I was Asian, I was not beautiful. 

Yes, such was the power of media. I am not denying it.

However, at this day and age, with a higher level of education and better access to even more information than before - we are no longer captive audiences around the world. We can be the well-informed, intelligent and discerning audience. The key operative word is DISCERNING. The greater access and freedom into media comes with the ugly price of pornography and other misrepresentation of beauty. We cannot open the flood gates and expect only purity and positivity to flow in. Hence, being discerning is of utmost importance. 

And how do we become more discerning, you may ask. This is where education comes in. After all, everything that we think we know all stemmed from our education first before we became adulterated with "everything else" later in life.



Un-Learn, Re-Learn and Embrace

The high schools all over the world, and particularly, in America, is a vicious "pitting" ground. Everyone or group is pitted against each other. Beauty is like a brutal war game in these places. Hence, "re-education" about beauty for the young can play a pivotal role in establishing a better understanding and respect for all types of beauty. It starts from our education systems, from day one. Without reinforcement from schools around the globe, we cannot stamp out the misconception of beauty. After all, these youngsters represent the future generations of the world. What we have realised later in life should be shared with them in order for them to NOT inherit the same disease and affliction that we have had to suffer. 


From the age of 12 onwards, we become more aware of our own bodies as well as those of the opposite sex. At that stage in life, we feel unsure and awkward about a multitude of things. However, there is no real person whom we can confide and talk to. And our parents would be the last people on earth we would want to discuss such intimate details about ourselves with. So, we pile on the make-up, double the mascara and shorten the skirts to mask the currents of anxieties or confusion stirring beneath our skin. 

During our teenage years, our priority was to be accepted by our peers and friends. It could become so important that we would be tempted to sell our souls so that we could be included into the "special inner circle" or become the most popular darlings in the school. Hence, we may start doing things that we would undoubtedly later regret. But who could blame these kids? We too were once like them, and we did not know any better. If the education system does not change or modify itself, then they will learn what we have learnt, and no one will ever know any better.  

Confucius said, "EVERYONE HAS BEAUTY, BUT NOT EVERYONE SEES IT."

Therefore, it is crucial to teach the very young at schools and at homes, that beauty lies in everyone. It is vital that everyone is taught to appreciate that beauty does lie in every single person and not judge. More importantly, it must be emphasized that everyone is born with the right to be beautiful. Despite how every single person will have her/his own definition of beauty, there is absolutely no need to be disrespectful and no place should tolerate all the un-necessary rudeness. 

Each person should be allowed to grow and blossom at their own pace and time. Not everyone is made the same and that itself is a beautiful thing. Diversity should be celebrated and honoured. If our education systems worldwide can incorporate all these elements into their academic syllabus, then a new mind set will be formed. A new attitude towards beauty in humanity could be established.

THIS may well help our society at large and the global community to be more accepting of one another. Perhaps, even true HARMONY may be a realistic achievement rather than a distant dream.


SO, WHAT DOES IT REALLY MEAN TO BE BEAUTIFUL?
BEAUTY IS A COMPLETE PACKAGE.

It is beyond the face, the body and all things physical.

Naturally, when we are young, we do not see this. We may not even understand it. And when I say young, I mean young in mind and not age.

In a young mind, we see and think of beauty as the most important physical attainment. Therefore, we do everything to enhance our physical appearance, while neglecting the rest. 

Ideally, we should have made improvements within ourselves, as well as, our exterior. We should have invested in changing ourselves from “inside out”, and not just concentrate on the outside. Because our "true self" is the one within, and not only our physique. Everything on the outside is just an illusion, an image and a projection of ourselves. It may not be real, and it certainly would not last. 

If we had spent all our lives just focussing on building and modifying our exterior beauty, then when that beauty fades in time, we would become most unhappy. Our depression may be inconsolable because we have based everything on our physical appearance, and have even judged others based on their physique. 

Here, I would like to share another tale.

One very gorgeous woman, an ex-Beauty Pageant, was married to a good looking millionaire friend of mine. They seemed happy until one day the husband decided to leave her for another woman. This new woman was in no way more physically attractive than his soon-to-be ex-wife, but she was definitely more in tune with him in other ways. The new woman understood him in ways his Beauty Pageant wife could not. The connection or bond between him and the new woman was much stronger because it was not based on physicality. It developed from something much deeper.

And so, the couple eventually got divorced. The ex-Beauty Pageant wife went into a deep depression and it took her a long time before she could regain her self-esteem. Then she tried to get back into the dating scene and wanted to validate herself through getting as much attention from men as possible. She had thought that as long as she had strings of men interested in her, it meant that she was still "in demand". She equated her worth with the number of men who found her desirable or attractive. Needless to say, she went through a rough journey in order to find her true self.

On the surface, it might look like the husband was at fault and no doubt he must bear some of the responsibility. However, when we examine further, we discover that his ex-wife also had a part to play in the failure of their marriage. 

She was always only concerned with her appearance and believed that her beauty would captivate anyone who saw her. She felt that her being beautiful excused her from actually working at their marriage. As she had built her life around her beauty, she was defined by it and imprisoned in it. Therefore, it is understandable how everything fell apart for her when she learnt that her beauty could not save her marriage nor fill all the voids in her life. No one could fill all the emptiness in her life, and no one should. It was her job and responsibility to do so.  She has had to learn the hard way.  



This is what the husband finally shared with me - "no matter how beautiful a woman is, it is no guarantee that a man will stay with her forever. She could be a Miss Universe and a man could be bored with her in time. When one partner grows and evolves but the other remained stagnant, physical beauty is not going to save the marriage or relationship." 

Today, the ex-wife is a much happier woman. In a strange way, the divorce had set her free from her beautiful cage. She is a much more complete person now. Not just a woman who revolved her life and purpose on physical beauty alone. She understands the difference between inner beauty and outer beauty. I dare say that she is even more beautiful today than she ever was.




There is nothing wrong in wanting to be beautiful and in enhancing ourselves. Improving ourselves is a good and noble thing when it is done in the right way. Meaning, it is not only focussed on changing our physical appearance and only our physical appearances. But it includes enriching ourselves internally as well. 

For example, if we decide to go on diet to lose weight, it is carried out in order to be healthier and fitter rather than just to become thin so that we can squeeze ourselves into a smaller size. Then we gain a healthier mind as well as body. 

When our motivation is right, our results will also reflect the same. If we did not set out with the right intent or purpose, then we will not achieve the kind of results that will fulfill us in every sense of the word. It will only remain a temporal pleasurable result but the real problems or issues will rear its ugly head again in due course. In this respect, we cannot be completely happy with ourselves.

Therefore, always take time to search within, discover ourselves and question the real reason as to why we would want to do a certain thing. Our problems and issues will not magically disappear because we became prettier or thinner. In fact, other sets of problems may arise to highlight the void that was waiting for us to address and resolve. 

The question we must always ask ourselves is not just if we look beautiful, but do we feel beautiful?

When we embark on improvements with the right or true intention and motivation, we will experience the result that COMPLETES US. There will be no more missing pieces of the puzzle to find and fit. We might even feel the “wholeness” which we were really seeking for in the first place. Perhaps then, we could start taking responsibility for every aspect of our lives and assume sovereignty over ourselves. It will not be a one time deal but an on-going process. So, remember to be kind to yourself and your process. 

Yes, we have all the tools to make us into beautiful and better people.
And yes, these tools are all within us, just waiting for us to put them into good use. 

As ADELE rightly said - "I think no matter what you look like, the key is to first of all be happy with yourself. And then you know if you want to try to improve things that you don't like about yourself, then do it after you appreciate yourself."

FINALLY, TO LADIES AND GIRLS OUT THERE - please try and be a little nicer to your fellow sisters in the community. There is really no need to make another female feel any worse than she already does. Trust me when I say that we are all struggling with our own issues behind closed doors. 

If there is any shred of beauty in any of us, we will never need to make someone else feel small and belittle them in any way. It is no longer funny or fun when someone else's feelings get hurt.

Let us rise from our pettiness and not engage in the jealousy game. Being beautiful also means one has to be gracious.

There are truly many definitions of beauty. There is no real benefit to stay entrapped in our own definition when it obstructs us from recognising the beauty in others. 

Don't let anyone tell that you are not beautiful. They are just not familiar with your definition of beauty because they have been so conditioned in theirs for too long. Help them to see and understand your definition of beauty. They need our compassion and patience as well. 

From here on, BELIEVE IN YOUR OWN BEAUTY.


BRAND YOUR OWN KIND OF BEAUTIFUL.

To conclude, I shall leave you all with a quote from another beautiful individual, Ms. Audrey Hepburn.

"The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years."

As always, please do remember that your beauty can only grow when you grow.



Peace to all! 






Saturday, January 26, 2013

Incorporating ART into Our Living Spaces


So, you have finally got your dream house or apartment. All the fixtures and fittings have been impressively installed, and you have even bought the right decorative items to be positioned tastefully in your new home along with the furniture. All that begs to be “dressed” are the bare walls of various hues. Now, what would you choose to deck on those walls?

Pearl Lam Hong Kong Gallery

I would like to offer a humble suggestion here. How about buying an art piece instead of the usual wall hanging fare?

Pearl Lam Shanghai Gallery

Art, in all its broad definition, have helped shaped the spaces of our homes, offices and even hospitals. There are many different forms of art. From paintings, murals on walls, sculptures and etc. All we need to do is walk into a museum, or an art gallery to see how art has evolved over centuries; and thereby reflecting the changes in our society. In many ways, the art works of various centuries act like a mirror. They show us a peek into the culture of that particular era. From the great masters such as Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, to Monet, Renoir, Van Gogh, Picasso, Dali to Andy Warhol, Keith Haring and so forth. Each artist had captured their perspective of the world around them of that time.

Of course, art is a very personal and subjective topic. What is praised as a masterpiece by an individual or group may be dismissed as nothing more than child’s play by another. Henry David Thoreau famously said, It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see”. 

To this day, for the life of me, I still do not know how to appreciate a Jackson Pollock painting. However, there are many who do. Respected art specialists around the world have assessed his works to be worthy of its hefty price tag. Hence, art is something that speaks to the individual. What makes art different from the other wall hanging accents is that it could appreciate in value, depending on the artist who created it. In this respect, art is one of the most unique decorative items that we can procure to not only enhance our habitat, it can even become a priceless investment if we bought the works of a much sought after artist. 

When a society becomes more affluent, households can afford to deck their homes with all kinds of impressive “gadgets” and shiny “toys”. For some, art collection can become a passion. For others, it is a practical way of diversifying one’s investment portfolio. So, how do we really know which art to buy, collect or invest in? There are several local Malaysian respected artists such Ibrahim Hussein, Eng Tay and Chang Fee Ming to name a few. However, I wanted to understand the growing global fascination with the Chinese contemporary art. Of late, Chinese artists have been garnering a lot of media attention in the art world. Not to mention, how the prices of their art works have been rising consistently. As I had the pleasure to meet with Ms. Pearl Lam who was recently in Kuala Lumpur, I decided to consult her expert opinions on this genre.

Ms. Pearl Lam

Pearl Lam is a Hong Kong native. She is the owner and founder of “Pearl Lam Galleries” in both Shanghai and Hong Kong, and also, the “China Art Foundation”. In addition, she is a curator, collector and patron of the arts. Pearl defines Chinese contemporary art “as reinvention of traditions reacting or embracing western influences to create new expression”. What I admire about Pearl is that she is not only an art gallery owner, she is a passionate advocator of contemporary art.

Pearl Lam Hong Kong Gallery

Pearl Lam Galleries has been advocating in the promotion and re-evaluation of the philosophy, perceptions and aesthetics of Chinese art for almost 20 years. Pearl has even funded an “artist-in-residence program” for artists and designers worldwide, where by they are invited to push the boundaries of traditional Chinese art and craft techniques in order to create new works that reflect their experiences in China. 

Yinghua's Art Piece

Her work as a curator was much recognized in the acclaimed exhibition entitled, “Awakening: La France Mandarin”. It was an exhibition of the French influence on Chinese art, which was a central part of the 2004 'French Year in China’. The exhibition was staged in the Urban Planning Museum, Shanghai and at Beijing's National Gallery of Art.


Su Xiaobai's One Line of Whiteness

As a patron, Pearl has donated many art works to the museums around the world. This includes the Victoria & Albert Musuem in London, the Asia Art Society Museum in New York, the KW Institute in Berlin, the Museum of Art and Design in New York, the Peabody Museum in Boston and the Metropolitan Museum in New York. Therefore, Pearl is definitely more than qualified to dispense advice on Chinese contemporary art.


Zhu Jinshi's Who Will Write Wei Bei with Me?

Pearl shares, “I love Chinese contemporary art that has a Chinese structure or language but it is contemporary versus Chinese art that has western structure or language with Chinese content, which, for me is a derivative.”

Pearl explains, “Chinese has been searching the contemporary identity in art while the West has been interested in Eastern spirituality which has made Chinese contemporary abstract art become "hot" to collect.”

So, I asked Pearl what she likes to collect. After all, if she personally collects art works from a certain artist, it must be worth looking into.

Jason Martin's Turca

This was Pearl’s reply, “Chinese contemporary abstract, which is derived from ink brush cultural based upon Daoism and Buddhism, is what I recently love to collect. It is distinctively different from Western Abstract expressionism, Chinese abstract is based on Chinese philosophy like Daoism’s "Form is Formless" or the Buddhism Diamond Sutra that questions Truth based on perception.” 

The “hot” Chinese contemporary artists that Pearl recommends for collectors and investors alike are Zhu Jinshi, Su Xiaobai and Yinghua. The Western abstract artists are Jason Martin and Jim Lambie. Sample of their work can be seen in the accompanying photographs.


Jim Lambie's Metal Box (Butterfly and Orchid)

Pearl labels “collectors” as people who have bought artworks from a certain artist because they believed in the artist, and that they are passionate about the works. They are not so concerned whether the prices of these artworks will go up or down. To them, the collected art works itself give them tremendous pleasure or enjoyment. They love the artworks purely for the art itself.

However, an investor has a different point of view. These collectors take calculated risk, and would be very disturbed if their artworks have diminished in value. They seek to gain a return on their art investments, as this is their primary focus in procuring the artworks. Therefore, these investors may only hold each artwork for no more than 10 to 15 years. They will seek to sell their artistic investment when the prices start to appreciate.

So, whether you choose to be an investor or a collector, it would be wise to gather as much research and knowledge about the artists in question. In addition, consult with various art specialists, galleries and art magazines. All these would undoubtedly assist you in making a more educated decision in your art acquisition. Art investment is nothing like buying a piece of furniture or a new electronic gadget. It does have a longer shelf life and would enrich not only your bare wall or a corner of your living space, but also your bank account when the art piece appreciates in value. For some families, certain art pieces are collected over decades and passed down to succeeding generations. Thereby, creating their own family heirloom or treasure.

Pearl Lam Galleries has been invited to participate in the “Art Stage Singapore” from 24th January to 27th January 2013 at the Marina Bay Sands Convention and Exhibition Center. This international art fair will showcase artists and their works from this region. There will be more than 100 galleries exhibiting and country platforms for Indonesia, Singapore and Australia. This might be a good place to visit, learn and source for a new artwork to enhance your living space.

At the end of the day, the question remains – Why is art important to a living space or even society? To answer this impossible question, I’d like to borrow the words of a beloved visual artist: Kermit the Frog ~ “How important are the visual arts in our society? I feel strongly that the visual arts are of vast and incalculable importance. Of course I could be prejudiced. I am a visual art.”

  

 

 

 

Saturday, January 19, 2013

LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX - AN HONEST DIALOGUE



YES, SEX IS ON MY MIND.


Quite a lot lately, to be honest.



Yes, seriously.



It's all because of the"disturbing" and "interesting" articles I have been reading online.



The "disturbing" reveals a rather "damaging" data on how porn is affecting the relationships between men and women, and how men's sexuality are warped by internet porn.




The "interesting" articles offer insights and even possible solutions to the above mentioned problem. This is where it gets "provocative" for me. And I do use that term: "provocative" loosely.


I am going to ask the obvious question before proceeding any further, and it is really up to you to be completely honest with yourself or not -


When was the first time you watched porn or anything sexually graphic?


I remember my first experience was at around 12 or 13 years of age. It was a big deal, considering I lived in a traditional and strict Chinese household. I would not say that it was hard core porn by today's standards, but it was certainly sexually graphic enough for a kid who had no prior knowledge of any sort of "birds and bees". It may seem archaic for me to say this, but those were the days when we had no internet, no smart phones, computers and etc. In a way, it was an age of innocence. It was much harder to find anything sexually graphic during those days. Of course, these days it is an entirely different world whereby a "climax" can be reached with a click of a button.



In those days, it was more of a big deal that someone got to watch something sexually graphic. It could be a picture of bare breasts, and it would have caused a HUGE commotion. However, there was no real understanding of what we saw. Then again, who could have explained it to us? Certainly not our parents or elders. They would have killed us for watching anything sexual in the first place, or at least got our share of bashing for "indecent" behaviour. Yes, it was considered extremely indecent for young kids to think about sex, watch anything that has anything to do with sex, let alone porn.



Yet I stumbled upon the VHS entitled something like "Miss Penelope and her adventures" by accident. Someone in the household must have forgotten to retrieve the video from the VHS machine. (For those born before the times of VHS, please look it up.)



Of course, I did not watch it for long. As it horrified me more than anything else. I could not understand what it was all about and whether the women in the video were in pain or having a fun time. I switched it off immediately, having felt like I had violated some cardinal rule just by watching. All I can really say is that the visuals left me with more confusion than anything else.



Still, the images ( it is always the visuals, isn't it?) lingered in my young mind. I was still trying to figure it out, or make some sense of it. However, there was no one I could talk to about it. In fact, sex was a subject that Asian families do not talk about in their homes. It may still be true to this day. It is as if talking about it would mean encouraging their children to participate in any kind of sexual activity with reckless abandonment. So, in those days, not talking about it was meant to be a good thing. Or so they thought. Personally, I think it just made everyone even more curious. Then they had to devise their own ways of finding out more about the taboo subject of sex. Before we know it, some people have graduated to experimenting having sex with whoever that were willing.



Of course, no one really understood the real meaning of it. I dare say, some still don't and they are well into their forties or fifties. Now, why would I say such a thing?



Knowing how to do the deed, does not automatically mean that you understand it or that you are any good at it.




Oh yes, and just because you may have slept with a lot of people does not necessarily mean that you are good in bed either. Yes, it had to be said. 


Which brings me to the "disturbing" articles that I have been reading of late. 



THIS IS WHAT THEY HAVE FIGURED OUT FINALLY! When I say THEY, I mean the men who are finally being open and honest with themselves, the media and those who sincerely wish to rise above this predicament that they are all in. 



The Mail is not the only newspaper reporting this. There are similar reports/stories from Huffington Post and other online sources/forums. 



Source: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2264419/Vanilla-sex-OUT-porn-addiction-IN-Disturbing-results-Cosmo-survey-reveal-porn-damaging-relationships.html


Vanilla sex is OUT, porn addiction is IN: Disturbing survey reveals how porn is damaging our relationships

  • Leading sex and relationship experts find men suffer performance anxiety because of ‘impressive’ feats in porn
  • Women feel insecure about their bodies and feel pressured to ‘perform’
  • ‘Vanilla’ sex is becoming less desirable, while porn addiction is increasing
  • 'More young people are learning about sex through porn, and it’s having a devastating effect on their perceptions.'

Britain’s leading sex and relationship experts have revealed their fears that porn use damages relationships.
70 per cent of men aged 18-34 admitting to using porn at least once a month and the use of it by both men and women is becoming more and more prevalent. But, at what cost? 
Cosmopolitan magazine questioned 68 leading sex and relationship experts about the effects of porn on today’s relationship, and the result was overwhelmingly negative.
70% of men aged 18-34 admitting to using porn at least once a month
'More young people are learning about sex through porn, and it’s devastating their perceptions'
Eighty six per cent of the therapists questioned believe porn has had a negative effect on relationships and 90 per cent have seen an increase in relationship problems due to porn in recent years.
As porn is now so easily accessible, Cosmopolitan was also told that ‘vanilla’ sex is becoming less desirable, while porn addiction – once seen a very niche sexual problem – is on the increase. 
    Almost all of the therapists surveyed (94 per cent) have seen an increase in incidents of porn addiction and 63 per cent believe porn increases men’s expectations of sex with their partner.
    Needless to say, porn has become a ticking time bomb in relationships and is crushing men’s and women’s confidence in the bedroom. 
    'Porn can affect men¿s ability to form relationships with real women, rather than those on their laptop'

    More and more men are suffering from performance anxiety because of the ‘impressive’ feats they see in porn, whilst women feel insecure about their bodies and feel pressured to ‘perform’. 

    'Porn can affect men’s ability to form relationships with real women, rather than those on their laptop,' said Psychosexual therapist Carol Featherstone.Porn is becoming such a problem for some that 85 per cent of experts think porn has had a negative effect on women’s confidence and 67 per cent agree that women are under pressure to behave like porn stars in the bedroom.
    Psychosexual therapist Karen Lobb-Rossini says, 'More and more young people (girls as well as boys) are learning about sex through porn, and it’s having a devastating effect on their perception of themselves and their bodies.'
    Whilst some experts have claimed porn can help some relationships, many experts now believe it can have a devastating effect by skewing what is expected in the bedroom,' said Louise Court, Editor of Cosmopolitan.


    So, my next question is this -


    When was the last time you watched porn or something sexually explicit?



    I know that most young boys start their "sexual education" through watching porn. The number of girls may not be as high as boys...for now. But this could easily change. Especially in today's world, with the internet porn, IT IS even more rampant. Young people's "sexual awakening" would begin at an even younger age now than ever. Most of them watch without any real understanding of the act, the emotions or anything related to intimacy, for that matter. Because porn does not promote real intimacy or understanding. Least of all, respect for women. Therefore, what "healthy" perspective would any of these young minds hold of sex, relationships, love and women, in general? 



    IF this is not enough to cause for any real concern, please read the following article from "Huffington Post".



    Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/16/internet-porn-men-pornography-male-sexuality_n_2488056.html?ir


    When 23-year-old writer Isaac Abel wrote a powerful piece on Salon asking "Did porn warp me forever?" he set off a conversation about how watching online pornography during adolescence impacts men's sexuality later on.
    HuffPost Live host Ricky Camilleri spoke with Abel Tuesday, as well as HuffPost Women editor Margaret Wheeler Johnson, author Naomi WolfMakeLoveNotPornfounder and advertising consultant Cindy Gallop, and activist John Stoltenbergabout the subject.
    Abel described the appeal of Internet porn, "I think to an extent it's actually being physically turned on by the rapid deviance, by sort of the addictive progressive perversity of being able to click from one climactic scene to another." Wolf said that pornography consumption can diminish men's ability to climax and become aroused with their real-life partners, and Johnson pointed out that the ubiquity of porn creates a sexual standard that impacts women just as much as it does men. "It creates certain expectations about what women will be willing to do, what women like. It informs how women think they have to behave in sexual situations," she said.
    But perhaps it's not just porn that's to blame for the sense Abel wrote that he and other young men have of being alienated from their own sexuality.
    "If the only cues you've ever been given are from porn ... then those are the cues you'll take," said Gallop. "If we don't talk about sex in the real world, they don't know how. The issue isn't porn. The issue is the complete lack in our society of an open, healthy, honest dialogue around sex for real."



    Here, I am going to begin my "honest dialogue about sex for real".



    Porn sex has very little to do with real life sex. The only times porn sex comes into the equation is when the couple is using it for fantasy play or experimenting with new scenarios and positions of sorts. Again, notice that it is only fun when the women or partner involved is willing and that they are actually into it. Otherwise, it is awkward, embarrassing and even coerced.



    TRUTHFULLY -



    There are ONLY very few women who actually enjoy giving men BJs. Most women gag at the thought of it. And I know some women who would rather eat pure lard than go down on a man. Many women do not find it remotely sexy to have men cum at their faces. They hate it especially even more when all the men do is push their heads down south, without as much as a gentle caress or a tender kiss. For some, THEY FIND IT DEMEANING to be shoved downwards. 



    Here, I think it is important to emphasize that respect for women does not stop or pause when you hit the sack with her. In fact, it is even more crucial to show a woman how much you respect her when you are in bed with her. The respect never ends for the woman or the man. It works both ways.  Hence, your behaviour towards one another during sex would say a great deal about what you really think and feel about the opposite gender. Are they merely toys and objects of your pleasure, to be used, played with and to fulfill all your sexual fantasies? Where do you get all these crazy ideas from in the first place? PORN, AGAIN?



    I am going to introduce all of you to someone who has made it one of her life's missions to educate people (especially, young people) about the difference between porn sex and making love. In fact, her website is called, makelovenotporn. Please meet Cindy Gallop. 


    Cindy Gallop in her element

    Please watch her in this TEDtalks video. You will be surprised and definitely somewhat educated by the end of the 4 minute video - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FV8n_E_6Tpc


    "At TED2009, audience member Cindy Gallop gave a 4-minute presentation that became one of the event's most talked about. Speaking from her personal experience, she argued that hardcore pornography had distorted the way a generation of young men think about sex. She talked about how she was fighting back with the launch of a website --http://makelovenotporn.com -- to correct the myths being propagated."   


    Cindy Gallop is not your average 50-something year old woman. She professes to date mostly younger men and they are largely 20-somethings. Below is her brief bio. 


    Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/09/fashion/cindy-gallops-online-effort-to-promote-real-not-porn-fed-sex.html?_r=0



    ABOUT a decade ago, Cindy Gallop, a pixie-like businesswoman, said she began dating and sleeping with men about half her age. While their stamina and her experience made a good combination, Ms. Gallop said, she also discerned a disturbing trend: the boudoir moves of many of her young lovers seemed drawn entirely from pornography.



    Despite her strident views, Ms. Gallop said she did not set out to become a sex evangelist. Born to a Chinese mother and British father, she was raised in Borneo (“a great deal more boring than it sounds,” she said) and studied English at Oxford. After college, she went into advertising and joined the firm Bartle Bogle Hegarty in London, where she quickly scaled the ranks. She moved to New York in 1998 to start up its United States office.


    At first, she reveled in her sexual discovery. In 2008, she gave a talk at TED university titled “The Toyboy Manifesto: Why Older Woman Plus Younger Man Is the Relationship Model of the Future,” in which she argued that such pairings, while generally deemed socially unacceptable, were not only sexually ideal but also righted gender imbalances. Young men, she said, found her life experience appealing rather than threatening.
    But when she saw that many of the young men had little sex education outside of pornography, she was moved to speak out. “The issue I’m tackling is not porn,” she said. “It’s the complete lack of open, healthy dialogue around porn and sex.”
    For the full article, please go here. 
    Please do visit Ms. Gallop's sites and read the articles. I am certain that you will find it beneficial, if not informative and educational.
    I do agree with Ms. Gallop that real sex is not porn sex.
    When we were younger, just doing the deed seemed like a huge deal. To lose one's virginity seemed to be on every guy or girl's personal agenda, as it was the cool thing to do. And they associated that loss with maturity or coming of age. Unfortunately, this one act of losing one's virginity does not make one "older" or "wiser" or more experienced in any which way or form. It is basically a loss of one's innocence, no matter how you want to put it. 
    If one's virginity is not regarded as a prized personal gem, then it ceases to be that. Hence, losing it would be no big deal. And to whoever one lost it to would probably become a distant memory in time. However, if it was viewed as something precious, then it would be a sacred and beautiful jewel that's worthy of "safeguarding" until one is truly certain. Also, the person whom one would be willing to share it with would have to be worthy as well. Thus, one need not be in such a hurry to lose it. 
    Most young people lose their virginity early on for all the wrong reasons. It was mostly peer pressure or something they had to prove. Therefore, in this respect, it is imperative to establish one's INTENT - to understand and acknowledge why do we really want to be de-virginized in the first place? What's the hurry? What is the real reason behind all this rush to NOT be a virgin?
    One should take time to ask these questions and look within or beyond. The key lies in knowing and understanding oneself first and foremost. 
    Just being able to have sex does not mean you know how to have real sex, as Ms. Gallop has kindly elaborated in her many talks. How much do we really know of our own body, let alone the body of another individual? How much do we really know how to please ourselves, let alone pleasing someone else? Do we know how to maintain mutual respect for one another in our most intimate acts with each other? 
    There is a world of difference between ability and capability in the realms of sex. Ability comes with the basic human equipment that we are blessed with in life. Capability comes from experience, understanding and knowledge of the human equipments that we are blessed with in life. Therefore, how well we use these human equipments, and with whom would depend on our capability.
    There is also a world of difference between sexuality and sensuality. Sexuality is nothing more than what the porn industry has churned out over time. It is all scripted, pre-meditated and fabricated. Nothing is real. Sensuality is something very real, experienced between two individuals. It takes into account their emotions, vulnerability, intimacy and of course, capabilities.
    In fact, when one is older and more experienced, we will begin to appreciate and understand words like "intimacy" and "connection". Even the words: "making love" would not be viewed corny or out dated. With real understanding, these words mean so much more in a relationship between a man and a woman. Or any LGBT couple/relationship. Essentially, it is about intimate human relationships. 
    I have had counseled my fair share of couples about their intimacy and relationships. At the end of the day, I learnt one thing - Many people do enjoy playing "games" and may even seek out different "games" to play to enhance their sexual encounters. However, nothing can ever replace the real passionate intimacy and connection between two individuals. And these intense beautiful connections do not revolve around games to be played or fantasies to be re-enacted. They are the true unions of two hearts, minds and spirits. Beyond the sex, it is the intimacy that couples or individuals seek. Most of us just want to be with someone who could understand us and love us. Then, the physical intimacy with that person becomes much more than just another sexual activity. It becomes an extension of ourselves and our love for that person. This is the kind of intimate union that transcends time and space. I believe, this is the real intimacy everyone seeks and yearns for. 


    As every person is different, what pleases each individual would also be different from one to another. Finding out may take time, but it can also be a fun process. As long as it is done with love and respect, then the whole intimate act becomes special.
    So, my final question would be this -

    Why do you feel the need to watch porn or something sexually explicit?


    This is something for you to ask yourself.




    If what you seek is to connect with someone, then watching porn will not be of much help.
    If you want to have fun, then seek out people who just want to have fun without strings attached. However, be honest and clear about your intent. 
    If you are seeking for something more lasting and a relationship, then please stop using porn as a reference or guide. It will not help you at all.


    "An intimate relationship does not banish loneliness. Only when we are comfortable with who we are can we truly function independently in a healthy way, can we truly function within a relationship. Two halves do not make a whole when it comes to a healthy relationship: it takes two wholes." ~ Patricia Fry





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