Day Four of Week One: Wednesday, 24th March 2010
Weight: 54 kg - Haha, wait till my Director hears of this. He said that I must lose 10 pounds because we tend to look much bigger in the telly. And he said that I should be around 50 kg in order to look just right in the telly. Thank goodness I am not seeing him anytime soon just yet. ( Hope he is not reading this either. Yikes! )
No. Of Prostrations: 21 - Yup, it is official - body aches, shoulder aches, they have arrived and landed on me. I woke up this morning and felt like as if a train has ran over me, and then it did a reverse, and decided to run over me again because I was not quite ironed out. I felt so shattered that I was looking around my bed to see if there were any parts of me which came apart while I had slept. Well, it would have been darn interesting for me to put myself back together again, that's for sure. I don't think that all the King's men or horses could have helped me either! Ok, should stop over-exaggerating now. I am in one piece, albeit sore, ok, check and done!
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done!
For those of you who are not familiar with what Sadhanas are - it is basically a personal daily prayer that one does under the direction of one's Spiritual Teacher or Guide. Mine takes me about 1 hour and a half to complete. And that is if I am concentrating well, and not day dreaming, or being distracted by other thoughts. I remember in the early days when I first started doing sadhanas, I couldn't make myself sit still nor could I endure the continuous chanting of the same verses as I went through my mala (similar to a rosary bead). And this was with something very short and simple that Rinpoche had instructed me to do. As you can imagine, I always ended up forgetting to do it, or 'deliberately' forgetting to do it, and to out right not wanting to do it at all. It got to a point whereby I became resentful about doing it. See, how languid I was! Every DNA in my body just refused to make an effort to do something for myself in a consistent and disciplined manner. Yup, LAZY TO THE CORE. Hence, the rightful nick name: Queen of Sloth.
The irony is that I was also terribly VAIN (ok, still is to some degree). And that made me most impatient and irritable when results did not materialize or took a snail's pace in arising. Can you imagine an impatient sloth? Ridiculous, I know. Yea, we can laugh about it now, but it was no laughing matter there and then. I simply wanted results without working for it, or at it. And then I'd cry and feel sorry for myself when things did not happen. "Woe is me, woe is me!" What utter B.S. So glad that I am so over with that! Now, moving swiftly along....
Physical Exercise: 35 minutes
Yes, today was another busy day. I had mentioned yesterday that my only darling daughter, Izabella, is down with a very bad viral fever, and I had to take care of her. It is really the pits when young children get ill. We worry and worry to death. We can't sleep, we got to keep watch over them and hope and pray that the fever breaks. But I must say, I am truly very fortunate indeed. Although Izabella's father and I have been divorced for about 8 years now, we do co-parent very well. So, I am not suffering the pains and agonies of a single mother. And I have witnessed and listened to enough horror/sob stories about and from single mothers. So, I am well aware how fortunate I am.
Izabella's dad loves her dearly and have always been there for her. Infact, we do support each other very well in raising our daughter together but not under the same roof. Things could be a lot worse and are so for many other seperated couples or estranged couples, yet we are able to remain good co-parents to this day. And this is something I am very very grateful for. He truly tries his very best to be the best father for Izabella. Mind you, we did not always had it so smooth. Especially not during our marriage. Funny enough.
In this respect, I came to realise that being parents do not automatically qualify us as being wiser or more mature. In fact, it may have no bearing whatsoever on one's maturity, wisdom or even understanding of the word: Responsibility.
In any case, I am much relieved and thankful that I do have a lot of help and support from various wonderful, caring people. Even Izabella's father's girlfriend. She is indeed a gem! We are very blessed that she is who she is and does what she does.
Daily Reflection from “IF NOT NOW, WHEN?” - Ok, let's do this again, I close my eyes and turn to a page at random. And today, it is - OH MY, MY - Guess what? It's Page 085 yet again! I wonder what does that mean. Haha.
I am just going to post it and share it here again. Just for easy reference and re-cap.
Quote from Page 085 for Day Four:
" Saving does not come from an outer source, it comes from yourself.
If you blame others for everything wrong in your life, you give control over your life to them. If you control your life, you cannot blame others."
My personal thoughts and feelings:
After much contemplation, I do find the above quote very relevant to the events of the day.
If we don't save ourselves, who could? Or rather, who should?
Frankly, I no longer believe that it is someone else's job to fix all the missing gaps and leaks in my life. Nor do I expect it either.
Ever since I started this whole new career in media, I have never been more exhausted in my entire life. I have not worked longer hours, days and weeks than I have ever done in my adult life. Sometimes they just seem to meld into one long phase of no sleep, no sight of an end, and it just drips on and on like a leaky faucet.
Some days I just seem to live out of a suitcase, because it is just non-stop travelling from one country to another. Other days, it is like a dreadful waiting game and the suspense build-up just gets more and more nerve wrecking. No, I have not been pulled, snapped, tugged, ripped and probed as much as I have been ever since I plunged into the world of media, tv and film. Yes, it is all foreign to me. Yes, it is sometimes scary and I don't even know what is going to happen tomorrow. Whether everything is going to get 'aired' or 'released' at some point in the near future, or whether I will ever get a proper pay check from this business. No, I don't know and I have no real concrete answers to offer at this point in time.
Just a little over two months ago, my dad came up to me and asked me to consider quiting this media business altogether. He said that he can see that it is not going to be easy. In fact, he said that it was going to be very tough for an inexprienced nobody like me, a complete unknown to break into this 'playing field'. He asked me to consider returning to the family business, because it is safer and already established. Less risky.
I looked at him and smiled. I understood where he was coming from. He was just being a dad, a caring and protective father who does not wish for his child to get hurt in any way. Yes, I understand, from where he stood, I must look like a deranged woman who seems to be on a self-defeated mission.
But I remember the words of my Teacher well and clearly. Especially when HE said, "Success is subjective. Failure is subjective."
So, this is precisely what I told my dad, "Thank you for being so concerned, daddy. I am very lucky to have a father like you who cares so much for his daughter. But it is precisely because it is hard and difficult that I chose to do this. My very training in life lies in it being hard, and I am not complaining. If it were easy and safe, then I would not have left the family business. I would have stayed. So, this is exactly what I need."
In truth, this whole journey has enriched me beyond words. I have met so many wonderful and inspiring individuals, and have learnt so much that I would not have been privy to had I stayed within my 'gilded cage'.
Who would have guessed that this spoilt over-pampered brat would have had the guts to travel all the way to Mindanao and interview ex-Muslim rebel leaders and soldiers.
Who would have imagined that this same self-absorbed cow would ever get her hands dirty and participate in building houses for the poor in the most dangerous slums of the Philippines.
Who would have guessed that I would learn so much about poverty from a real life every day hero named Tony Meloto and his legions of selfless patriots who are changing the lives of thousands in the whole of Philippines. Now, they are like my second family. (Tony is the one with the head full of white hair)
I will say, "This is for you, Rinpoche because you gave me the wings to fly and taught me the courage to leap out of my gilded cage."
Don't waste any more of your precious time on earth in waiting for someone else to come and save you.
You do it and define your own life. Then you would start owning your life.
Have a good night, wherever you are!