If you have been following my Blog, you'll know by now that I AM -
1) Not a Man-Hater or a Taliban-Feminist. I actually do like men and have the priviledge of knowing some of the coolest and fabulous guys around. I am really appreciative of the great guys out there. They make my world into a more interesting playground, to say the least.
2) One of those who does not know how to appreciate women who do not have class, decorum and conviction. I don't care to and I don't want to. Period. That said, I am very grateful for all the wonderful and brilliant women out there. They make my world a better place for sure.
3) Not referring to men and women who are "exceptions to the rule" in my blog posts. There are all kinds of individuals in the world. Some are very complex (such as myself) and some are deeper than most, while others may be difficult to be categorised as this or that. So, what we are sharing here are "general rules and guidelines", so to speak.
4) Taking the time and effort to share because I firmly believe that with higher understanding, we can become better people, improve our relationships with one another, and hopefully, make wiser decisions. Most importantly, it is to arouse constructive thinking and discussions.
5) Not a certified doctor, expert or therapist. Not in the academic sense, anyways. Whatever I have learnt, observed and realised came from real life experiences, coupled by my volunteer counseling community work, and the priceless guidance from various life coaches, teachers and Gurus.
With that "Disclaimer" out of the way, I can now proceed to share what I really want to say. Again, this is a sharing. Not an imposition or a request to conform. After all, no one can make you do anything that you do not want to do unless you believe in it, and agree with it. At the most, I hope this blog post would be helpful.
Note to the guys: Do not be offended and please do not misunderstand. This is NOT a man-thrashing post. Please read my "Disclaimer" at the top again. I would encourage you guys to read though, because many women have had bad experiences with the following. So, if you want to understand women better, please do continue reading with an open mind.
Note to the gals: This is just a general list. So, please read with an open mind and take only what you find is useful for yourself. Then modify what you identify with to fit you.
The Dating Game and relationships are not easy these days. Whoever said that it was a walk in the park has got to be seriously insane or joking. The number of women who come crying because of bad relationships are astounding, and those who have sworn off dating are right up there too.
If we look at the stats and data, it does not paint a nice picture of the guys. However, I do not believe that guys carry all the blame. Women have some role to play in it too. And I will explain why.
It takes two hands to clap, two to dance the tango and definitely two people to form a relationship, to go on a date and even formalise a marriage or divorce. It takes two. Not just one. Therefore, what we should be doing is identifying the bad apples from the whole cart and not just condemn the whole cart because of the bad apples. I know it is not easy. But let us just try.
FIRST OFF -
THE TYPES OF MEN WOMEN WILL NOT MISS AND WHY
1) The Player
Oh, there is no doubt that he is smooth and suave. He knows just how to say all the right things and make all the right moves. Whenever you are with him, he makes you feel like you are the center of his solar system. He is definitely a lot of fun to be with. He knows where to take you and show you a good time. You will not be bored, for sure. He'll call you "darling", "baby", and all the sweet endearing terms sooner than you think.
Problem: He actually does that to and with every other woman, if not all. He can even chat up a barista from Starbucks without blinking. Yes, he is that good. His contact list is bigger than the encyclopedia, and it is not limited to the same country codes. It is his innate gift to make a woman feel like she is a "princess" or "the one and only", but do not be fooled. He is not ready to settle down, not by a million years. He loves the chase, the hunt and it is all like a game to him. He has a mission to sample all the different women on earth, because he truly loves women - all women.
WHY YES: You could be a willing participant, and happily go with The Player if you are a player too, or if you are in no mood for anything long term, or if you are recovering from a break up and are looking for a rebound guy, or you just want to have fun and you know you are not going to be the only one in his life.
WHY NO: If you are looking for anything serious and long term, you will have to wait until The Player is done playing with sowing his seeds around the world. And if you are even brave or insane enough to think that you are going to be the one who changes him or tames him, good luck with that.
General Rule of Thumb: Be clear as to what you want. And be very sure that you can play this game without wounding your own heart. Do not dive in without carefully looking beyond the flashy car, shiny suit and sparkly smile. The only time The Player can be considered for anything real and long term is when he is a Retired Player. That means, he has been there, done that in ways you can't even imagine, exhausted his fantasies list and is looking to settle down.
2) The Mama's Boy
They are probably the hardest to spot, because they come in all shapes and sizes. They are sensitive to the women's needs, they seem to understand the plight of women and women's issues well. They can do all the stuff your gay guy friend would do for you but your straight boyfriend will never do - for example, go shopping with you without pulling a long face or complaining. They will even provide valuable feedback on your various tries on clothes and shoes. They appear to have infinite patience and are easy to talk to. Above all, they seem to listen well.
Problem: When it comes to his mother, you will never win. When it comes to his mother, his mother can do no wrong. You will have to take the back seat, when it comes to his mother. If you happen to be so unlucky that his mother is "Godzilla" incarnate, then be prepared to endure a long agonising power struggle with his mother. He will likely side with his mother more than you, because his mother gave birth to him and took care of him all this time. He may always compare your love and care to his mother's.
WHY YES: If you can get along with his mother, then definitely you are able to enjoy a wonderful relationship with The Mama's Boy. If you are the maternal and nurturing type, you will find joy in "mothering" him as well as his own mother. He will definitely be willing to let you boss him around, because he is accustomed to being led by his mother.
WHY NO: If you are not maternal and nurturing type and you are not into mothering a man, then know that The Mama's Boy will exasperate you till kingdom come.Things can only get worse when you do not get along with his mother. All hell might break lose every time you all get together. Because he will soon bring his mother along wherever he goes, whenever he can.
General Rule of Thumb: Be clear as to what you want. And be very sure that you do like his mother as much as you like him. Above all, his mother must also sincerely like you as well. Otherwise, it will be a time bomb waiting to happen. In any case, if he knows how to respect and love his mother without becoming overly attached to her - for example, he can be objective when it came to a situation where by the mother was wrong and you were right - then it is really possible to have something real and concrete with The Mama's Boy.
3) The Married Ones
Yes, it is incredible how many women have been with a married guy or are still with the married guys. They can tell you they love you and their wives do not understand them anymore. They will tell you whatever you need to hear in order to be with you. Actually, let me rephrase that - in order to get inside you. Now, I seriously do not know why some married men feel that they can still go around screwing other women like as if they are bachelors. Honestly, there are only 500 shades of Problem that can arise from any involvement with married men. Nothing good will ever come of it. There are no happy endings for you, him, his wife, his kids and family.
Personally, I have been "propositioned" by some married men in the past, and it just boggles my mind how they can view divorced or single mothers as perfect candidates to be their mistress or girlfriends. They must really think we are just dying to be "saved". The worst are the ones who are rich, powerful and successful because they feel that they are entitled to have it all - wives, one night stands, girlfriends and mistresses.
WHY YES: When you seriously do not care about ethics, morals and the honourable code of conduct. When you blatantly do not care about the wife or the fact that the man is already spoken for. When you care only about how you feel and what you want. In that case, you are just as self centered as the married men themselves. Women like these are the very ones we would love to eject into the Black Hole, along with the cheating cads. Why? Because women like these do not help the sisterhood and the female gender. In fact, there are women who keep throwing themselves at married men (and I know some of them). They are just as responsible for wrecking marriages and family lives as the men. Such women encourage the married men to cheat because they make themselves easily and conveniently available to these men. If the women do not comply and consent, I doubt that the married men will have that many opportunities to cheat.
WHY NO: No matter how you want to phrase it or justify it, this is not a good idea. It is definitely OFF LIMITS. In fact, any "taken" men would not be a good idea - be they married, engaged or are currently someone else's boyfriend. It is the worst kind of betrayal for another woman to take someone else's man - regardless if the man was willing and stupid enough to throw himself at you. They may look and sound like they are hot for you and only you, but do not ever think for a second that they will leave their wives for you. You are no different than the women he has had before you. This relationship is toxic from the very start.
I like what Jenn X wrote in her blog about married men - "Think of yourself as a rental car he used to get from point A to point B. No one ends up purchasing their rental car at the end of the trip. It’s not even an option in the contract."
General Rule of Thumb: Avoid at all costs. Do not go near them, do not even flirt with them in any way or form because it encourages them. Seriously, ladies, please have more class, grace and decorum.
4) The Liar, Cheat, Impostor and Con Artist
These are the most patient and charming of the lot. They will take their time to study you, get to know you and spend all their available time with you. In some ways, they would appear like your knight in shining armour or the perfect BF or lover. They appear worldly, experienced and successful in order to appeal to you. To hook you in, they will employ all devices, tactics and drama. Again, I stress, they will not rush in courting you. You may never see it coming. They are masters of disguise and pretense.
Problem: They are not who they say they are. In fact, they may not even exist. Everything or a large portion of what they say and project are fabricated. They do so much in order to get something from the women. Usually, it is material things or a big pay-off at the end.
WHY YES: Are you delusional?
WHY NO: You will end up paying more than you can ever imagine. Seriously. JUST RUN.
Case in point - A friend of mine discovered that her husband of 5 years was actually a conman. He turned out to be someone who pretends to love women and marry them, and then try to get something from each woman. He travelled frequently to different countries on the pretense that it was for business. But these countries are where his other wives reside. Basically, he lived off the women in his life. He pretended to be a successful millionaire in order to gain access to her wealth. After discovering that her husband was not who he said the was, she divorced him. However, it was not without mess and its own grim drama because they had two children together. In the end, she also found that all the jewels and branded goods that he had bought her were all fake. Including her wedding ring. Most of the items he had purchased were from credit card scams.
General Rule of Thumb: Please take the trouble and time to check their backgrounds, google and research. Especially in this internet era, whereby we meet all kinds of people from various places. If we were to find inconsistencies and incomplete stories, those are red flags. The problem is that sometimes women do not perform the due diligence. At this day and age, it pays to be careful and to find out as much as you can. It is not about invading privacy or being a stalker. It is about being careful and well-informed.
5) The Emotionally Inept, The Needy and Clinging Ones
He may seem innocent, decent, sweet and attentive at the very beginning. As time passes on, you would see that you are becoming more of his crutch than his girlfriend. He is in constant need for you to assure him, then re-affirm his worth and even fight for him in a multitude of ways. Yes, he will count and invent the ways for you to do so. What starts out as the right guy will gradually turn into the very wrong guy.
Problem: He will drain you of your mental and emotional well-being. It will be so exhausting for you that fatigue will have a new meaning in your life. You thought you have found the guy who puts you at the center of his universe, but in reality - you are his center of gravity. Without you, he collapses.
Case in point - There was an ex of mine who was something like this. His insecurities demanded that I work to fill in all the gaps in his life. Naturally, it would come to a point that I simply could not. The worse was when he made me feel guilty for not trying hard enough. And God forbade that I could do well in some things which he could not. The power battles were not pretty. I realised that I could cut out my heart and liver to be served on a silver platter to him and it would still not suffice. Finally, I broke it off with him for my own sanity. Of course, he blamed me for everything.
WHY YES: If you are a Superwoman and you want to be the one in charge all the time, 24/7 and that you are prepared to do everything yourself as well as for him, please proceed at your own risk. If you are the saviour type, meaning you like rescuing pets, people and etc. Then you would not be able to help yourself but willingly seek to "save" him too. If you are a Saint and have boundless patience, then you can "baby" him all the way.
WHY NO: You may expire in every sense of the word, before he does. Because at the rate he is depleting you of your energy, time, emotions and etc, you might end up emotionally and mentally bankrupt. Whatever you do for him, will never be enough. He needs constant proof of your love, loyalty and etc. It is likened to a sinking ship with no survivors.
General Rule of Thumb: Some guys are nice as friends, but not more than friends. Know the difference and separate the two. Sometimes, we need to be clear as to what we are capable of as well as our own limitations. Someone else's insecurity and immaturity should never become our fault or failure. Insecurity is a killer in all relationships and friendships. You can read more about it in my older blog post here.
As I have mentioned earlier, there are various types of people in the world. The above list does not cover every individual.
There are some who are angry and aggressive to the point of being abusive and violent. They tend to blame everyone and everything else, except themselves. Those are definitely the types to avoid for the sake of one's own safety. I have seen enough battered and punched up faces in my community work than I care to elaborate. It is very sad indeed.
Then there are some who are funny and they make a joke out of everything, especially at our expense. In the end, we would discover that their words are not humorous but hurtful and mean. They can destroy our self-esteem over a period of time. The tragedy is when they bring you down to a level where you can hardly recognise yourself anymore. The funny guy with sting aimed at you is not loving and fun.
The list goes on.
The above mentioned list also applies to women as much as it is to men. There are women players, married females who cheat, daddy's spoilt girls, con women and highly strung women as well. Women are just as capable of wounding and breaking hearts as men.
I know of several men who have been "damaged" by unpleasant women. Some women have left their husbands and kids to run off with their new man. Some have repeatedly cheated on their husbands with no less than their husband's close friends. As if cheating with strangers is not bad enough. Then, there are the husbands who got beaten up by their wives. Though they are few and rare, it exists.
In fact, some of the most prolific male Players I know have confessed that they were originally hurt by the women they have loved early in life. And because they do not wish to experience that pain again, they evolved into the Players we see today. Having said that, not all Players have been hurt by women before. Some are just born that way.
The classic cases are the men who married "trophy women" and later found out that their "trophy wives" are more than they could handle. Some of these gorgeous "trophy wives" are what I like to call "High Maintenance Bitches". They spend money as fast as they can guzzle down a bottle of Dom Perignon. They like to congregate among themselves and compare notes or gossip about other women. They are always well made-up and carrying a Hermes Birkin or Chanel bag with the colourful scarves tied around the handles just so. Most of their conversations are as caustic as their personalities.
I usually steer as far away from these women as possible. They scare the living daylgihts out of me. Though I do sympathize with their husbands, I cannot say that the husbands are innocent. After all, the men have chosen these women and made their beds with them. So, they should lie in them. If they do not like it anymore, then they should be honourable enough to release each other from the bondage of matrimony.
What these married men should not do is fool around with other women and mislead them into thinking that they will leave their wives in due time. The correct thing to do would be to bite the bullet, end the marriage first and then start anew. However, all options and avenues must be exhausted and fully explored before seeking the D-word, i.e. Divorce.
Generally, we all are beings who have become the way we are today due to our past. Be it good or bad, rightly or wrongly, we have been influenced and moulded by our past experiences. Even our thoughts and how respond to situations or people are all engineered from our past experiences. Therefore, how we engage with someone today is a culmination of what we had previously endured.
This is not to justify our behaviour and thoughts as being right. It is merely to explain. Which is why I stress on the importance of understanding. The more we discover, learn and understand, the more we can rid ourselves of the garbage of our past. As we mature and evolve, we would not need to hang onto our past ideologies or mistakes. Moreover, we would not make the current people in our lives pay for the pains created by the people in our past.
So, whether we choose to be alone or go back into the dating scenes, it is really up to us. As long as we exercise due diligence and are clear as to what we want, we would not confuse the people around us as well. Many guys have shared about being in love with women who are clueless and they become frustrated in the process. These women do not have a clear idea of what they want. Hence, the men become lost along with them.
At all times, please do not dive in without carefully looking beyond the well crafted surfaces. Sometimes, the only way we can only get to know the real colours of an individual is when trouble brews. Other times, it is less complicated and we should always be thankful for that.
Personally, I have always valued sincerity, honesty and kindness in a person. I find people who do not need to pretend, hide, lie or play games truly refreshing. Above all, someone who has a decent moral compass and a set of good values. So, I would start with those qualities first and foremost.
How you would choose to start is entirely up to you.
As always, know what you want and understand who you are. Then it becomes easier to communicate that to someone else. When we do not know what we want or who we are, we get lost and easily distracted. We might even make the wrong choice in a partner.
When the partner is the right one, s/he can even bring out the best in us. And we can do the same for them.
When the partner is the wrong one, s/he can create hell in our lives every minute of the day. And we can unleash the wrath of hell on them as well.
Do not confuse other feelings like lust and etc with love. Real love takes time, development and some sacrifices. Real love is patient, kind and shows no jealousy. Above all, real love encourages one another to grow.
They say that taking the time to love and be loved is the priviledge of Gods. I say that we all deserve the Godly priviledges because we are Gods and Goddesses of the earth. We are definitely worth the time and effort for someone who treasures us, as we would value them in the same way.
Good luck and happy loving.
I shall leave you all with a quote from Mary Manin Morrissey ~
"Start living now. Stop saving the good china for that special occasion. Stop withholding your love until that special person materializes. Every day you are alive is a special occasion. Every minute, every breath, is a gift from God."