Tuesday, February 5, 2013


This post is dedicated to the guys, especially the really good ones. 
Because they are the ones who rock my world. 
Through the good men, I witnessed the greatness of mankind. 
Through the good ones, I realised that I will never settle for anything less.
Thank goodness for the really good men!
This is why I am actually glad that men and women are really different. 

As I have said before, learning more will help us understand better.
So, it is in this spirit that I am sharing this post.

Now, below are the ten things what a typical male thinks makes a man sexy to a woman. Yes, it is written by men. You can read their whole article here

Source: http://datingrelationship-advice.blogspot.com/2009/03/hot-sexy-guys.html

1) Smile - This is self explanatory
2) Masculinity - The way he moves and talks
3) Confidence - Make her feel protected and taking charge
4) Eye Contact - Especially when talking and not staring at her boobs
5) Aromatic Scent - Smells nice
6) Having a Sense of Style - Looks nice and dresses well
7) Communication Skills - Know how to talk to a woman
8) Ability to Cook - An actual meal that's impressive
9) Having Sensitivity - Confidentiality, empathy and trust
10) Sense of Humour - Make her laugh

Notice how these are mostly designed to attract the women to the men, but it may not necessarily be the very things that women find sexy about a man. 

Although I have to say the Aromatic Scent thing is a must with me, and women like me. I can't stand men who smell like they have not showered for weeks, or those who seem to shower in the whole bottle of cologne. Just a tad hint of the scent, guys. Go easy with the cologne, please. You do not want to suffocate the woman now, do you? 

I'll tell you when the men smell really sexy - it is precisely when the hint of his cologne is mixed with his own natural scent. Now, that's what I'd call: "oozing sexiness". 

Now, let us look at what WOMEN find sexy in MEN. And yes, this is from the perspective of a woman. You can read Melanie Curtin's entire article here.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/melanie-curtin/ten-things-i-find-sexy-ab_b_2602313.html?ir=Women 

Here are the top 10 such things:

10. Lift Me Up
The guy that picks me up and spins me around, or holds me tightly with my arms and legs wrapped right around him, will always win my heart. Depending on the context, it is one of the sexiest, most comforting, or most erotic of experiences. Even if we're not dating, I always feel happy and free and feminine.
Perhaps it is the reminder of your strength, or my petite-ness, or both at the same time. Perhaps it's the sensual, spontaneous experience of the way we fit together, the way our bodies are connected in that moment. Perhaps it's just the fact that you're bigger than me.
Whatever it is, it's sexy.

9. Open Doors & Give Up Seats
I find it annoying when people say chivalry is dead. It's not. It's alive and kicking -- yes, even in the younger generation.
I know this because, amongst other things, I ride the NYC subway. There, I've experienced many men -- good men, great men -- give up their seats for the elderly (both women and men), open doors for others, and help me lift my (many) suitcases up the (many) stairs. To them I say, I salute you. I thank you.
Some women hate it when men open doors for them. They may interpret it as a statement that they can't take care of themselves, or that they're somehow less independent because a man is doing something for them.
I am not one of these women. I love it when a man carries my groceries for me, lets me go ahead of him in line, opens a door for me, or schleps my luggage.
I know I could do these things by myself, for myself. I've done them plenty of times. But when someone else does it, it really does make my life a little bit easier. I feel taken care of. Especially in cities, where we spend a lot of our time with headphones in, consciously ignoring everyone around us, it feels really good to be noticed. The way these men are says, "I see you." I care about you, simply because you're alive.
I also look at that guy who just gave up his seat in a new light. He comes across as strong, aware, trustworthy, significant. He comes across like a man.

8. Initiate Middle-of-the-Night Sex
If you know how to do this right (slooowly, softly, **gently**), it is one of the sexiest things in the world. I love the feeling of being touched between states of consciousness, of arousal before awareness. I adore the dissolving quality of dark, sleepy caresses, the extension of the dreamlike state of not knowing where you stop and I begin.
And I love the slow build, the way a man who knows what he's doing carefully rearranges my body for me, gently positioning me so that I don't have to do anything. The fact that he's guiding the situation, softly but firmly in control, means that I can just lay there languidly and enjoy the ride.
Yes, please. Over and over and three times on Sunday.

7. Deal With Sh*t
I have many talents. I can speak five languages. I'm a good writer. I'm exquisitely empathetic. I kick ass at Trivial Pursuit. I can even dance the tango at a near-professional level. However, I suck at practical, common sense stuff. I can barely change a lightbulb, let alone fix sh*t around the house.
But my dude roommate can. And I gotta tell you, it's sexy. I came home the other day and a set of lights that had been out for months (literally months!) were fixed. Just like that. Ditto the thermostat. When I asked him how he did it, all I heard was, "Wah wah wah," like Charlie Brown's mother. I didn't follow it because I just don't care. I do, however, care that I can now actually see objects in the living room.
I get that this is a cliché -- trust me, I do. It's also true. I find it somehow deeply satisfying that men are distinct. I love that I'm good at things that they're not, and that they effortlessly do things I don't understand at all. I compliment you for complementing me. I get to relax because you just take care of sh*t. It's freeing.
It's also sexy.

6. Be Super Solid While I'm Freaking Out
When I am absolutely losing it about something (legitimate or not), I don't need to be fixed. I don't need to be told what to do, I don't need advice, and I certainly don't need someone to tell me to calm down.
I just need to be witnessed.
That's right, when I'm on my crazy train, I don't want a man to try to stop it (he won't be able to, anyway). I just want him to be with me while I'm on it. I want to know I'm not alone.
So the man who quietly listens, who takes it all in without taking it too seriously, is unbelievably sexy. He is sexy in his solidity, he's sexy in his presence, he's sexy in his naturally grounded nature. He's extra super-really sexy when I can tell that not only is he not intimidated by my freakout, he's actually (respectfully) entertained by it -- he welcomes it.
Those exceptional men I've been with who enjoy the ride, who witness my storms or those of other women with a knowing look, a wisdom that goes beyond my high-strung-ness or defensiveness or just general freakout, are rare.
They're also sexy.

5. Play With Kids
Straight up, it is hot when a man is genuinely good at playing with kids. This does not include faking it to get attention from women -- obviously that's a huge turnoff (and dude, we're biologically made to know when you're faking it). No, it's only -- and very -- hot when he actually likes them. It's probably something primordial, basic, an animalistic understanding that he'd be good at playing with our kids. But who cares?
Because it's not just a sweet moment, like, "Awww, look how good he is with that kid." It's an actual, visceral turn-on -- I literally feel a tingling in my nether regions. It doesn't make me want to have babies with you, but it sure makes me want to make them with you. (Just kidding. Sort of).

4. Accept Emotions
I recently called a guy friend to let him know that I was on my way to meeting up, but I wasn't feeling all that great. Being a little sad and irritable, I said, "Sorry in advance for not being very fun. I'm going to try to get into a better mood."
Do you know what he said?
"If you are, great. If not, great. Whatever you got, bring it."
I felt so accepted I started to tear up. I knew it would be OK even if I wasn't OK -- that I wouldn't be blamed or shamed for not being cheerful or upbeat. I could bring my truth -- my real truth -- and he would still be there.
I wasn't a problem.
When a man resists emotions -- mine or his own, I feel repressed and uncomfortable. A roiling sensation in my stomach builds, that I just can't kick. And in my experience, many men (many people, but men in particular) are threatened by emotions like sadness, anger, or fear. They want to fix it right away to soothe their own anxiety. They can't tolerate the idea that a woman is unhappy. They can't tolerate the idea that they might be blamed for it.
Then there is the man who accepts me in all of my facets, not just the 'pretty' ones. He has learned to be with emotion -- just be with it. He doesn't feel the need to make it go away or turn it into something else. He just accepts, and genuinely wants to know.
With him, I feel deeply safe. I know I can bring ALL of me, and he's going to be able to handle it. I don't have to manage his experience of me. I can just be. And the fact that he wants to know me makes me want to know him. Biblically.

3. Care About His Friends
I fell in love with my last boyfriend in stages. The first was one night when we sat in his truck outside his place while he called his best friend, who had just lost his grandfather. He listened, made manly sounds of sympathy (like grunts), asked about his friend's family members, told his friend he loved him in his own way, and promptly got off the phone.
It was brief, but real and heartfelt. And when I saw him care about his friend -- really care about him, but in a totally different way than I care about my female friends -- I fell pretty hard.
I think he was surprised by how much I wanted him after that phone call. I may or may not have given him a minute, then attacked him right there in the truck.

2. Show His Backbone
If you're my man, I want you to be vulnerable with me. I love watching you agonize over which stuffed animal your 3-year-old niece would like better: The panda or the whale? I enjoy when you tell me about something that's hard for you to admit about your past, or how you didn't have it all together for that presentation at work today, or when you own up to just how much you want me to like the necklace you just gave me (and how stressed you are that maybe I don't). I cherish those moments.
But it also turns me on when you have to be a hardass and you're willing to go there. Pointless aggression is a turn-off, but watching a man enforce strong boundaries is a huge turn-on. It's hot when a man stands up for himself by telling his boss to find someone else to work this weekend, or puts his foot down with the slacker on his team, or quietly but firmly tells his brother that he can't borrow the car (given that he drove it drunk the last time he did). Even when it's directed at me, I love seeing that fire within you, that point of resistance that says NO.
In fact, your NO has me say YES. Yes, yes, yessss.

1. Listen
The sexiest thing a man can do is listen to me -- all of me. With all of him.
Some men don't listen at all. They just don't. They talk about themselves ad nauseam and then wonder what happened when I wander away. These men are generally referred to as "douchebags."
Other men listen in such a manner that they practically collapse into me. They fall all over themselves to "do" listening right, keeping their focus and attention so on me that they lose themselves. In a way, they actually stop listening in their attempt to prove how well they do listen. These men are generally known as "nice guys."
Either way, not sexy.
Then there is the man who maintains his own core while also holding space for me. This man has a way of drawing out my deepest truth simply by being fully present. He isn't thinking about what to say next, whether I still like him, how to get me to stop crying, or what to do now. He's just noticing me, tracking me, tuning himself to me. He's letting the moment unfold without trying to control it. And him taking the lead in this way has me stop trying to control it as well. Which feels good.
This man listens to what I'm saying and what I'm not saying; he listens with his body as well as his heart. He listens with his mind, with his emotions, with his curiosity, with his soul. He asks questions when the time is right, because he really wants to understand, not because he wants to coach me to get somewhere else. He listens to all of me, with all of him.
When I am in his presence, my entire being relaxes. I become more gracious, more present, more in flow. I am expressive without being self-conscious. I am emotional without being reactive. I am beautiful without being perfect. I feel safe, I feel seen, I feel radiant.
In other words, I feel like a woman. With a man.
And that is sexy. For all parties involved.

Melanie Curtin is the founder of "Vixen On The Loose". 
I hope you guys can see the difference in the way women communicate and what they appreciate about a man. Things women find sexy in a man are imbued with her emotions. Because the qualities that turn her on would be the very attributes she would seek in a potential mate or partner. Hence, this is why her choices would have very little to do with a man's looks. A man's physical appearance may attract her at the beginning, but it will not work to sustain a relationship with her unless he possesses some of the qualities listed above. Women are beautiful emotional beings and trust me, you would not want to change that. 
Also, notice that LISTEN is the number one thing on the list. Guys, this is really the central key in maintaining a relationship with a woman. You have got to learn how to listen. And not just with your ears, but your entire being. Most importantly, your heart. I cannot stress this enough.
The two things that are missing from the above list are:- 
1) HIS MIND. I do personally value a man's mind and his intellect. It is to me, one of the most sexy features of a man - his brilliant mind. I am pretty sure, many women would agree with me as well.  
2) HIS SINCERITY. When a man is sincere, he shows that he genuinely cares. And that is super sexy. Always.
I have to say that I agree with Melanie about men being sexy when they are courteous and chivalrous. Here, please allow me to clarify - it is not that I am a helpless damsel who can't do stuff for herself. It is more of the fact that I appreciate what a man does for me - not because he has to or that he is obliged to - BUT BECAUSE he CARES to and he WANTS to.
When anyone does something out of the kindness of their heart, or because they care, I make it a point to show my appreciation. This is just basic human decency and courtesy.

To me, there is no issue of a power struggle between a man and a woman when it comes to a relationship or courtship. It is matter of how much both parties care for each other and how well they can express that care/love through their actions.
So, if there is anything I hope more women and men could do for one another is please CARE MORE and CARE BETTER.

Lastly, these are some of the basic but golden rules in life, love and relationships to live by. I thought I shall share them here.

  1. Being alone does not mean you are lonely, and being lonely does not mean you are alone.
  2. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
  3. Love means giving someone the chance to hurt you, but trusting them not to.
  4. You know you’ve found true love when you catch yourself falling in love with the same person over and over again.
  5. Don’t wait for the right person to come into your life.  Rather, be the right person to come to someone’s life.
  6. The one who is meant for you encourages you to be your best, but still loves and accepts you at your worst.
  7. Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
  8. Some relationships are like glass.  It’s better to leave it broken, than to hurt yourself more by trying to put it back together.
  9. Just because one person doesn’t seem to care for you, doesn’t mean you should forget about everyone else who does.
  10. Someone else doesn’t have to be wrong for you to be right.
  11. It is okay to be angry.  It is never okay to be cruel.
  12. Never do something permanently foolish just because you are temporarily upset.

May each of you find the right person for you.

Good luck and happy dating!

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