Saturday, May 1, 2010


DAY THIRTY-FIVE: Saturday, 24th April 2010

A dear guy-friend asked me if I miss having a relationship, but what he really wanted to know was whether I miss having sex.

Yes, eventually, he blurted out the real question: “Don’t you do it yourself, even? Or with the help of a machine?”

Mind you, this was in the middle of lunch, with another fellow guy-friend sitting in between us, trying his best to eat his lunch without barfing, I am sure!

Machine, he said?!

That startled me a little. I don’t know why it should since it is not exactly uncommon knowledge. But no, I have not encountered the pleasure of a ‘machine’. And I guess that was why my eyes widened when he said that.

Yes, I am sure many people would have imagined that someone like me, who had led such a colourful interesting life, would have employed the use of various “machineries” in her “sexual-capades”. But sad to disappoint, the only “machine” I probably have used was a whip – if I can even call it a “machine”. Actually, I would call a whip, an accessory – not so much a “machine”.

I hope my dear friend is reading this blog post because I am going to answer his question right here, right now.

We didn’t get to finish our conversation at lunch because I had to leave, not intentionally, mind you. I never run away from things these days – even if it is an unexpected subject matter.

No, I am not having sex with a person, or a machine.

I have been this way for quite a while now.

Yes, it is a huge turn-around from the person I had ‘projected’ in the past.

This is going to be the first for me – to be come clean about a subject matter that has always been rather prickly with me (no pun intended).

I may have held a few talents for doing some interesting things to a person’s body, but it does not mean that I was actually enjoying it.

I may have written my fair share of erotic poetry and even described sensuousness in several exotic ways, but it does not mean that I am particularly fond of it.

Now, this would be a shocker for most people – especially those whom I have bedded.

No, I have never found sex to be all that fun, engaging, rewarding or significant.

Yes, of all the talents I may have displayed on bed, the best of all was faking it. Yes, I am a great faker. There, I have said it.

I do not mean to offend or put down anyone, or embarrass anyone, for that matter.

It has always been a difficult subject for me, personally, because I derived so little pleasure in something which so many people seem to lust after or crave over and over again.

To me, sex is just another activity – no different than making a cup of coffee, or drinking tea. It could even be likened to an itch that needs to be scratched.

Frankly, I derive more pleasure in eating dessert and chocolate.

Sure, it was fun and great while you are both coming, but after that, then what? So much effort and emphasis are placed on the ‘orgasm’, and on achieving it. The way some people go on and on about it, it is as if it’s their most valued activity in life! So many people have sacrificed so much for it, or made the most stupid mistakes because of it, and a lot have paid dearly for it – one way or another.

Some people’s lives are just revolving around it. Imagine that.

And what is it exactly? What does it really do for you?

A conquest? A new body to experiment with? A substitute for what’s missing in yourself? A momentary distraction? A stress reliever? A substitute for going to the gym?

To be exact, the part that I can’t stand most is after the whole deed is done.

There was always this hollow feeling, a sense of emptiness which I did not realise or even recognise at the beginning. But over time, it became even more obvious and pronounced.

Before you misunderstand me, I am not implying that everyone is having sex for the wrong reasons. If there are right reasons to having sex, and you have found it, then great for you.

Here, I am really just spilling my guts out and sharing my personal views. And no, it is not an open challenge to anyone out there to come and change my mind. Lord, no! NO!

In all honesty, to me, sex is the most temporal of all the temporal pleasures in samsara. And Samsara is the world we all live in.

At best, I see it as a form of exercise because they say that you burn more calories in sex than running on the treadmill. So, fine. But I find no great benefit that can come from sex. Mostly, suffering.

If sex could solve problems and bring about tremendous benefits, then a lot of those people out there who are having sex on a regular basis should be the happiest people in the world. And especially those who have it with a variety of people, as often as possible.

But why aren’t they happy though? More importantly, why aren’t the people whom they are having sex with happy either? I.e. their sex partners.

Like I said, it is what happens after sex – I cannot shake that hollow feeling and it is not that I have not found the right partner to do it with either. I have had my fair share of partners to know the difference. And yet, that hollow feeling has never left me.

It simply does not fill me up nor does it complete me in any way. Hence, I simply cannot bring myself to take refuge in such a thing, or pay tribute to it like it is such a delightful gift in life.

In the past, it was not even the pleasure that I seek in sex. It was the fact that I could make a person feel this way or that, and that person was “under my spell” for that duration. How good I was at doing it, would determine how good I was as an individual. Again, it was for self praise and self-gratifiation that I was good in bed. It was all about the control I had over that particular person.

I was only as unforgettable as how I would have made you feel – that was how I used to think.

There are many ways, far better ways, to be unforgettable.

There are more beneficial ways to lift a person that would be good for that person in the ultimate sense.

But sadly, I just do not equate any of them with sex.

These days, I am far happier being a celibate because I do not need to feel that hollowness that I used to feel when I used to be intimate with people.

And I often wonder why they would use the word, intimate, in the first place. Because it resembled anything but intimate.

Intimacy has evolved to another meaning and level for me these days. It is about becoming a much better person inside out and helping others to achieve the same, without either of us stripping our clothes off and jumping onto each other.

In many ways, I really appreciate the fact that I do not have to deal with any sexual urges but just concentrated on helping a person solve their problems, or even just the task at hand.

I am not sure if any of you would understand what I am saying here. And no, I am not advocating this lifestyle for everyone nor am I saying that this is the best way. All I am saying is that it is the best way for me. So, I choose to stay as I am, without sex. And guess what, I am truly happy this way.

Here is my DAY THIRTY-FIVE :-

Weight: 53kg

No. of Prostrations: 40

Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.

Physical Exercise: 45 minutes

Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 033.

Quote from Page 033 for Day Thirty-Five:

“The ones with the biggest position, the biggest name and the biggest wealth will suffer the most because everything reinforces their fears and their non-perception of reality.

The secret is not to give up money, position, you wife, your husband or your children – the secret here is to do what you need to do for them but to realise you are only here for a short time. If you keep existing only for making yourself happy based on external objects, you will not be happy because those are not the causes of happiness. If you have experienced any ‘happiness’ from these external objects, it is false, it is made up, it is you telling yourself you are happy. Actually, you are not.”

Personal Thoughts and Feelings:

Many of us need to rely on external objects to fulfil us, help us get through the day and make us happy. It is a fact.

The fact that you cannot do without a maid, or a driver, or the car, or even sex – is a testament to how much you are dependent on all things external to make you happy or to just get through the day with ease and comfort according to your mind set. It is your own perceived reality of what external things are needed to complete you.

To me, everything in life is very short term.

Needless to say, sex to me is the shortest in the list of short term.

Those who abstain, even like the monks or nuns, are not necessarily the people who are deprived.

They may be the ones who are truly liberated because they know how to live without being attached to so many things.

Those who surround themselves with this or that may very well be the ones who are living in denial and are deprived. Because they are still imprisoned by their own desires, fears and issues.

And the reason those who are still imprisoned will complain about those who have chosen to abstain is perhaps due to their own guilt. Because prisoners will never like to admit that they have lost their freedom in any way. So, they try to justify themselves with intellectual arguments and statements. Besides, these are willing and ready prisoners. They want to stay attached and are desperately trying to retain their cravings. Hence, anything that remotely highlights the fact that their way of life is unhealthy, or destructive will not be tolerated, let alone, accepted.

This is why those who are free who want to come back and save those who are not, because they see how painful their ending would be. But those who are still trapped will try to fight it all the way because they think they are the ones liberated and are living out their lives in full.

Sometimes, having nothing means you have everything. And having everything means you have nothing.


  1. Well, I certainly enjoy sex myself, but I appreciate your complete honesty about where you are at with it. Maybe someone will come into your life and change how you feel, or maybe you'll be fully happy without it for the rest of your life.

    The key is being free of needing sex, or not needing sex - that it's presence or absence won't break you.

  2. It is so good to read you and to see how much I understand where you are coming from. I like how direct and clear you are. I am not very happy looking at my past but what really is important is how much l learned from my wrong moves and especially where it brought me to, to meet the Dharma, Rinpoche and all of you. So the past was useful in this way and I am grateful to be alive now and began the practice seriously.
    Best to you, my dharma friend,
    Your blogs are a real source of inspiration!

  3. Really loved this entry, truly barrier breaking (no pun intended). Being in the Asian culture, girls don't talk about sex often or even at all, so it was nice to hear it from you so straight forwardly. The urge for sex is can get so strong sometimes that you just cannot stop thinking about it. It's fortunate for those who can stop thinking of it.


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