Monday, May 3, 2010

Day 40: AN "EXILED" EXISTENCE

DAY FORTY: Thursday, 29th April 2010


I don’t know if you ever get this feeling, but it has haunted me all my life.

But before I go on any further, just let me state very clearly that it is NOT because anyone in my family has mistreated me in any way, or denied me of anything. We all have everything that we truly need in life, and more. There is nothing missing but my own sense of belonging.

So, it is even more absurd that I say I have always felt ‘exiled’ – ever since when I was young, till this day. There is no place that I can truly call my own, or even just call home. Because that familiar and secure feeling just isn’t there. This sense of being banished from one’s rightful place of abode has always accompanied me, like a faithful spouse.

I have always felt out of place, like I don’t belong and do not fit in – not with my family, not with my school mates, or society friends. No offence to anyone because truly, no one has done anything bad to me at all. So, it irks me even more to feel this way. And it does not help when people keep saying that I look nothing like my family, ever since I was a child.

The sad truth is, I have always felt that my rightful place is somewhere else. I just have not discovered where that place is - yet.

The strangest thing is I always felt that I am just on transit here – with this family, in this city or this situation. Like, this is not the final destination for me. Inside me, I just know that my true home is somewhere else.

It is a most peculiar thing, isn’t it? To be so ‘displaced’ all of one’s life.

At least, with the adopted kids, they can always say that they have the right to feel out of place. What can I say? What could I possibly say?

This is one puzzle in my life that I have not solved.

But there is a bizarre inkling that I will find out soon enough. It is coming.

So, with bated breath, I shall wait and see.


In any case, here is my DAY FORTY :-

Weight: 53kg

No. Of Prostrations: 300 (yes, I did! 150 in the day, and another 150 in the evening. My arms are still attached to my body - well, sort of.)

Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.

Physical Exercise: 35 mins

Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 069.

Wow, 69 – what a number! I once wrote an erotic poem about 69. It also happens to be the year I was born.



Quote from Page 069 for Day Forty:

“Envy and jealousy are very harmful because you are never ever satisfied with what you have and you never reflect on what you have. You constantly live your life based on what you do not have.


A person’s outer action reflects his inner mind.”






Personal Thoughts and Feelings:

Here, I am going to strip and bare my soul yet again.

I was the epitome of the Green-Eyed Monster. And I dare say, it was my real name too – not just the middle name. My middle name was Vain Impatient Sloth, remember?

Anyways, I believed my viciousness came from my being so envious and jealous of everything that everyone had that I could not have or just did not have the guts to go and get it for myself. So, I would resort to shredding people’s self-esteem into pieces, faster than a chainsaw massacre in order to reduce each person to the same level as me. In the end though, I realised that I have murdered more than I have chewed off.

My cruelty was insatiable and ferocious. Totally unstoppable.

It is no wonder that none of my ex-husband’s friends wanted to know me or even be near me. Some of them actually trembled when I walk into the room. Well, they were forced to be in the same room with me while I was married to their friend, right? What choice did they have?

And this is within the circle of friends...can you imagine everyone outside of this circle? Imagine what brutality I would unleash on each and every one of them.

This is why when I come across a mean person these days, I know exactly how very little they have in their lives and how empty they feel inside. Because they are so hollow and deprived, they can only exhibit malice and spite. It is, again, a self-protection thing.

In actuality, they crumble like a house of cards when they are all alone. Though they will never ever show anyone how very unfulfilled their lives are, they will never admit or even hint that something is drastically amiss – BUT when they are all alone, everything falls apart or comes apart. Of course, it does not excuse their appalling behaviour. But I can relate to them because I know where they are coming from. I spawned from the very same self-loathing place.

Yes, it is very sad.

In fact, I was a very sad representation of a human being.

But you know what the saddest thing here is?

Now, even when I am truly sorry and I aplogise to those I have clawed and maimed, they will not believe me, and some of them are running in the opposite direction.

I have no right whatsoever to blame anyone. Truly and deeply, I have lost all rights the minute I decided to be nasty and mean.

So, it is indeed a long road to redemption.

In my case, I have no choice but to continue and work at it until the last remaining “dis-believer” is convinced that I have turned over a new leaf, and is not running for their lives.

Yes, this is the price I have to pay. And I am willing to pay and do more, because I deserve every lashing that comes back at me now.

No, there is nothing to complain. I welcome with open arms. I am glad to be receiving the spits, snubs and glares – at least, they are giving me something rather than nothing.

 

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