DAY FIFTY-ONE: Monday, 10th May 2010
I have been just snowed under so many things.
And you know what that does to my mood? NOT A VERY PRETTY PICTURE.
Of course, I have been house bound too – because when one has so much to do, one can’t even leave the front door unless one is going out to throw the garbage.
Here, I am beginning to appreciate having a maid.
I have calculated the time it takes me to clean just my bathroom. Of course, this is bearing in mind that I clean like a NAZI on cleanliness and everything being spot-free. The “finish off” is the Disinfecting Spray.
It takes me 1 hour just to finish my bathroom according to my standards. Let’s not even go to how long it takes me to iron, mop the floor and vacuum.
In the past, I never knew how long it took to do all these things. And I used to think that an hour was already giving the maid plenty time to clean! Well, now I cannot blame her for missing out on so many things, and breaking many things in the process.
To date, I broke one of my offering bowls to Mother White Tara’s altar. But I have burnt and scalded myself numerous times. My fingers and hands carry all kinds of WAR wounds!
Now, the reason I am sharing all this is because when I used to have the maid, she was around to take care the many things that I do not need to do so that I can sleep in some more, or watch my DVDs or just do nothing and be happy about doing nothing.
I did not use the extra time I had for any worthy deeds, noble works or anything useful - NADA. I did not even offer to volunteer my time for any Dharma work!
I wanted to spend time going to the spa, shopping, singing and even dancing. By the way, when I say shopping – it is not shopping for clothes or shoes or bags. I do not have that kind of passion. Thank goodness!
I like shopping for household items, gadgets and all things for the kitchen. I also have a penchant for buying Blu Ray DVDs, and watching them, naturally.
I love all things audio visual! Music, Movies and then some! I love the whole theatre surround sound and THX effect. 3D, if I could too.
But sadly, these days I do not even have the time to switch on the telly or the DVD player, or even take out any of my Blu Ray Discs. I just say “Hello” when I walk past them every morning and then, I say “Good Night” when I walk past them at nights.
And I haven’t even told you the time I have to spend on my REAL work, after the cleaning and washing and ironing, etc.
I have to rush out a lot of writings for various different projects – from documentary, to MTV, to movie to a Gallery to a song.
And the famous words flashed before me – “DO NOT RUSH THE CREATIVE PROCESS”.
I am like going on the speed of the supersonic jet, and I still feel that I am running out of time.
So, if I were to hire a maid again – and that is a big “IF” – I’ll make sure that all my free time will not be used up in vain anymore.
These days, luxury comes in the form of me having the chance to eat Doritos Chips with Salsa sauce and just hear the quiet end to the day’s madness. Luxury takes on different meanings nowadays. And also, sleep.
I have to tell you about the one time that I screamed and threw my electric toothbrush across the bathroom because I was just sooooo darn mad that the ceiling in my bathroom leaked and it started to fall apart on me.
I had to spend 3 hours cleaning the bathroom that day, not counting the 2 hours it took the maintenance people to fix the leak. And guess what, they still have to come back and re-do the ceiling because they had to make sure that there is no more leak. All in all, I felt that I had wasted 5 fricking hours of doing things that did not have to be done if I had a maid, and I could just get on with my work. Yup, there will be more mess to clean when they come back to fix the ceiling. GAWD. What will I throw now since I have already completely damaged my electric toothbrush? HAHA
Yes, in the past, I would have screamed even more – probably throw more than a toothbrush and then may be took the screaming to the management of the condo, the workers or anyone I could get hold of because I HAD TO VENT. Yes, Her Majesty had to let it all out and so her subjects must endure her. I was always more pissed because it all ate into my “leisure time”, or it was disturbing my “leisure time”.
These days, I have no time for leisurely activities and have probably forgotten what they look like too.
All in all, I am very glad to be under-going all this – despite that one day of explosion. Thank goodness no one was around, except may be two fruit flies got whacked in the process. Karma, Karma, Karma...yes, I am well aware. After the whole volcanic eruption was over, I wept and wept – literally broke down in front of my altar.
I felt that I was coming undone.
Then I realised why people quit from Spiritual Practice and Dharma work.
They can’t take these trying times and all of us will undoubtedly have ours, because detoxification is about purging the bad stuff out. In our case, it is our minds, our emotions and our ill-intended desires. So much crap to flush out.
So, I begged for forgiveness and prayed for the two fruit flies which were casualties of my personal war within, and pledged to continue pushing myself. I vowed that I will return life after life and help these two flies until they too meet with a more beneficial option in their lives. Yes, imagine me – praying for two dead flies!
Honestly, I do not want to give up or even stop, just because everything is hard and challenging, and even if it is really draining on me. No, I simply do not want to keep running away because I expect things to be easy. Why must things be easy anyhow?
WHAT HAS “EASY” DONE FOR ME IN ALL MY LIFE?
Seriously, it only made me lazier, more afraid, more defensive, extremely selfish and I could go on and on.
Now, here lie before me is my golden chance to make something better of myself and I want to quit just because it is painful or difficult at this stage? Sorry, NO WAY!
I can cry and I may scream and curse again – I may even throw the whole toilet sink out of the window at some stage, but I will continue with this. I WILL!
The reality is I can’t even squeeze any more time out of myself even if I slept a little less than 3 hours without being dysfunctional, but I firmly believe in this training. This is the training of my life and I am not about to ask for an easier route. Not anymore. No more escapism from the truth. No more hiding from myself.
I don’t care how hard it is going to be – as I am sure it will get harder than this and I have heard so many different comments from all my family members and friends that it is just soooo terribly HARD. Well, my news for all of you – I ain’t going no where.
BRING IT ON.
GO AHEAD, CHALLENGE ME.
I am not going under. I have faith in my Guru.
I will show you what I am made of.
Here is my DAY FIFTY-ONE :-
No. Of Prostrations: 50
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: zero because I spent it all on household chores and my media work.
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 095.
Quote from Page 095 for Day Fifty-One:
“If we look around us, if we are very honest with ourselves and examine the difficulties we have in our lives, we should begin to question where these difficulties came from.
Who gave them to us? Who created them?
We have to be very honest, in the silence of our rooms, alone with our minds and we have to ask ourselves, “Was I the cause and author of all this?” If we are honest with ourselves, we will realise that we most likely were.
Commitment is not about how many obstacles you face.
Commitment is how much you want it.”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
Took the words right out of my mouth!
I do not need to wait until I am in the silence of my own room. I have already bared the truth about myself to all of you in here - openly, willingly and honestly.
I am the author of my own mess. I have created the causes for all of these to happen here and now, from all the things I have said and done in the past, and even those that I have not said and done.
I have carved this bed with my own bare hands, and if I don’t like lying in it, I had better re-upholster them myself and learn new skills if I have to.
So, there are no difficulties infront of me but only what I want.
And what I want is the best of Shirley Maya Tan.
Yes, I want that so badly that it burns through every pore in my body.
Now, I have to end here and get back to work.
Please forgive me for the delays in the blog posts and please expect that there will be more delays to come.
Life has just begun to get very interesting.
Thank you all and a very good night.