DAY FIFTY-THREE: Wednesday, 12th May 2010
Can I just say it again how much I totally loathe so many things coming at me all at the same time?
In my natural state – ok, perhaps not quite natural – maybe it is a state that has been compounded by many lifetimes of habituation – so let me start again...
In my habitual preferred state, I certainly do not like nor appreciate so many things happening ALL at one time and coming at me ALL at the same time.
I have always reacted very badly in the past.
Oh, very atrociously indeed!
Let me just state one very good blast from the past...
In my brief time of marriage (less than 2 years), what I could not stand most being in that marriage was that things just kept happening to us.
There was no rest, pause and you can forget about the word: STOP.
There was simply no such button.
And I took them all very badly because I viewed them as real problems and that would mean, dire absence of peace – in my context, in my world, of course.
What did I expect at that time?
Simple – I expected that I got married to this man and things would be rosy and well.
I expected, all things EASY.
At first, I was very keen and industrious in resolving all our challenges and woes. In fact, I was very much at the forefront of the battlefields, almost like a Joan of Arc.
Well, that didn’t last very long.
Because as soon as I resolved one problem, two more would turn up. And as soon as I resolved those two, three more would pop up. I am sure you get the sequence here.
It was unbelievable!
At some point, I began to question if there was a leaky tap of problems somewhere just directed at my ex-husband’s family in particular - because it truly, really felt like that for the longest time.
Then this un-ending and bottomless pit of problems began to gnaw at my sanity.
Until finally - I began to view my “ex-husband and his whole lot” as a real burden to me.
And I wanted to be rid of them so that I could also get rid of the problems once and for all.
That was my mental state and how I viewed things, people and life back in 2002.
I could not understand how problems are very much part of life, and that they do go hand in hand.
In truth, for the most part of my life, until I got married, that is – it was all very smooth and lovely. More like fun and games. There was never a dull or painful moment. Not real ones, at least. Problems simply did not exist in my world prior to marriage.
BUT after being married and starting a life, all these changed overnight.
And it was not so much that anything was super bad, I just could not handle anything remotely not good – all of them, all at the same time.
In a word, I succumbed.
In the end, all I was left was in tatters and shreds. I could barely recognise myself anymore.
And yes, I blamed "him(my ex-husband) and his whole lot". I really did.
But seriously, it was just me and my inability to manage life, in general.
So, the very idea of ending my own life became most appealing.
When one starts to view everything around as a LIVING HELL-HOLE, then one would be dying to die.
From then onwards, the disintegration was total and fatal.
Him, me and everyone else in the family.
Above all, our poor little daughter.
Now, I understand where all my anger stems from.
Frustrations, resentment and bitterness – that a picture perfect life was denied of me.
And the guilt that I could not complete my daughter’s idea of the picture perfect family also devastated me – until simply, one day, I just decided that it was really so easy and possible to die at any moment and I could make it happen. And that it will all really end with that slit on my wrist.
Morbid, isn’t it?
Well, I was ruled by Darkness for the longest time.
Do you know of the kind of darkness that I am talking about here?
The no-end-in-sight of a long lonely night, that drips, and drips, each drop beckons a leaky painful sting of no escape.
Yes, that was how I viewed it all.
But that is precisely the point – I viewed it all as such, as opposed to what was real - because I was so incapable and unwilling to see beyond my own pain.
The mere fact that I was suffering and that my suffering supersedes all else and everyone else, made me into a glorified self-piteous, pathetic betrayer of life.
We do not see it when we are in it.
In fact, we can’t even tell the difference anymore after a while.
That is the scariest and most dangerous thing about one’s delusional mind.
It weaves such insidious lies!
Before you know it, you’ve become an “invalid, crippling retard” because that is exactly how you have allowed your mind to mould you into. You find yourself asking for it, because you no longer want to be responsible and accountable. You cannot bear to be so, as that would mean that you must share the blame. And there is no way that you would want to believe that, of course. So, you begin to embrace, if not devour every delusion, illusion until they all become your new perceived reality.
Yet, in truth, everything is still left un-resolved.
You are still swimming in the very cesspool that you have created. In fact, you have even made it bigger and deeper. So, now it will not only consume you but also those around you.
No different than that huge Black Hole in outer space.
It just sucks the life out of you and everyone else.
No, this is NOT just a vicious cycle anymore.
It is a bloody sadistic one.
Yup, that is what we have all become in today’s world.
"You inflict pain on me, I get you back."
In your mind, you’ll be saying to yourself – “I want you to feel all the pain I have felt and more. You are not getting off that easy. You will join me in the suffering.”
Before too long, you’ll start to derive too much pleasure out of inflicting the pain onto others, you’d start to really enjoy it so much that it becomes your only vocation in life.
Sadistic is the name you wear around your neck like a garland of great achievement.
Yes, that was how I saw life and people.
The sad thing – it took me so long to understand what great injustice and suffering I was inflicting onto others.
Hence, when we can’t resolve our own problems, we do become not just part of the problem to others and ourselves – we may just become the “real cause” of the problems to everyone else, including ourselves.
Now you can understand why I killed the old Shirley with my own bare hands.
It was mercy killing.
These days, when all things are flying at me all at the same time, I develop better time management and less agitation.
I would even squeeze in a time for Monopoly with my baby girl because it makes her happy to play that game before she goes to bed. Especially, when she wins.
The joy and calmness at nights when she lays sound asleep next to me, that face is everything that sums up the reason why I chose to transform myself in the first place.
There is another role I can choose to become – a source of comfort and joy.
Perhaps some day when I finally grow up, I can even become the solution to problems, not just for myself, but also, to others.
And that would be truly lovely.
Now, for my DAY FIFTY-THREE :-
No. Of Prostrations: 60
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: no time – it is all work, work, work
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 125.
Quote from Page 125 for Day Fifty-Three:
“I want you to have another perspective.
Right now, tonight, you find out your husband or your wife died. They died. No more.
You go home and your partner, your friend, your mother, your daughter, your sister, your wife, your husband is dead.
You go home alone.
Now, how do you feel?
Now, who wins?
What about the latest argument? The latest nagging session? The latest fight?
The last time you sat there in anger and thought, “They did this and they did that to me?”
And you know what is the fear behind all that? It will happen. None of us can escape that.”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
Will you be happy when everyone dies, because you actually believe that they are the source of all your problems?
Will be you attain your happiness when they are all dead?
Do you think you will be happy then?
I don’t think so either.
So, what will you choose to do?
Well, this is something you can only find out for yourself – when you decide to find that courage to dig deeper within, and un-earth the truth buried into the depths of you.
For me, I just have one more thing I need to do while I still can...
I offer my very public and deepest apologies to my ex-husband - for I had caused him the most pain and the greatest suffering until we were both drenched in blood, haemorrhaging all the way to the divorce courts and out. And the subsequent years it took to mend those wounds and heal those scars.
Though now we are no longer husband and wife, but surely, as good friends we can both continue to work on that.
THANK YOU FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME for all those years.
THANK YOU FOR BEING SUCH A GRACIOUS SOUL in all this time.
I sincerely wish you all the happiness that you so deserve with the most wonderful lady you have now.
Oh yes, she is a real darling and don’t you ever forget that!
I adore her dearly too. So, please value her every single day and make each day meaningful to behold.
Thank you for ALWAYS having such good taste in women! HAHA
And my personal message to the rest of you reading -
Our Past is gone. Our Future is yet to be.
Our Present becomes a gift when we make it to be, by creating the causes for a much better future to manifest.
And what is the best gift of all – PEACE FOR ALL, PEACE FOR YOURSELF.
The time for peace is now.
The time to make peace is NOW.
PEACE FOR YOURSELF, PEACE FOR ALL.
Don't delay it anymore ya.