I do apologise for being behind in my blog post again.
This week, it really felt like I was either running out of time, or that there was just not enough time in a day for me to do all the things that I needed to do.
As you all may know by now, I am without a maid.
Considering that I have spent most of my life, with maids and helpers of sorts.
It was quite surreal to be cleaning my own house, washing my own clothes, cleaning my own bathrooms, ironing, vacuuming, dusting, mopping the floor and etc.
By the way, did I happen to mention that I am completely anal about dirt and cleanliness? Yes, I am soooo anal about dirt. I’d run my fingers through surfaces and check if it is all dirt-free too. It is such a rotten habit to have when one is without a maid.
Yea, I am the kind who would make up my own room even before the chamber maids arrive to make-up my hotel room, and I’d re-arrange some things according to what I like or prefer after the chamber maids have left. Yes, exactly that kind of anal.
In any case, I was just determined to get through this.
So, it was quite interesting to see how I adjusted myself and my life’s schedule.
It got a little more hectic when my daughter came back to stay with me, because that meant I had to cook, clean after her and spend quality time with her – after doing whatever it is that I needed to do.
I was having a conversation with myself in my head – there are so many women who live without maids, and they have two or three children, some may be working as well and if they can cope, why can’t I?
As you can now quickly guess why I was behind in my blog post – I was beginning my life as an ordinary person, an average person and coping as best I can.
Granted I am sure, I am still at a better place than most people and for all the little mercies and blessings, I am very grateful.
So, perhaps it is a blessing in disguise after all – having no maid, that is.
My daughter likes it that I am totally and completely with her most of the time.
We even got to play Monopoly – something we have not done in a long while.
So, that is very nice indeed.
As for the cleaning, washing and etc – it is when I start doing all these myself, I realise how very little the maid has been doing and how much gets swept under the carpet so-to-speak. Then again, this is coming from Ms. ANAL I-want-everything-Dirt-free-clean.
First few days, I had blisters on my hands – yea, that’s what happens when hands like mine have not been cleaning for a while. So, they are not used to it.
But guess what, we humans are so adaptable.
Soon, everything heals and the body adapts and even the aches and pains will go away in time.
I am actually getting a hang of it. Like I said in my twitter, I CAN SO DO THIS!
The best part of not having the maid around – I can walk around naked and it is all right. I ain’t giving no one a heart attack, or sore eyes for that matter.
So, please forgive me for being so late and here is my DAY TWENTY-SIX: Thursday, 15th April 2010
Weight: 54kg (ya, still!)
No. Of Prostrations: 35
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: 35 mins
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 089.
I think I have picked out this page before, but as I said, it is all done at random, so here it is again. And it is so encouraging to get this quote at this time in my life.
Quote from Page 089 for Day Twenty-Six:
“The heroes we see in everyday life are just like you and me, except they are not afraid to be wrong, to admit their mistakes or to admit they are afraid. And in spite of the mistakes and fear, they achieve what they set out to do anyway.”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
I do sincerely appreciate this quote, especially at this time.
Because I am at this juncture where I am facing all my demons head on and I am not running away. And it is not because I am suddenly so heroic or filled with courage. I still have the fear in me. But I am no longer paralysed by the fears, doubts and uncertainty that I face.
There was a time when I used to be so afraid of hearing these certain words from my dad – “IF YOU MAKE THE WRONG CHOICE, YOU’LL LOSE YOUR STANDARD OF LIVING NOW AND END UP JUST LIVING A MEDIOCRE, ORDINARY LIFE – LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. YOU WILL NOT GET TO ENJOY WHAT YOU HAVE NOW.”
Of course my father was being protective and concerned, like all parents are. Naturally, all parents want what is best for their children. But it is what is best according to them, from their point of reference and life experiences.
But that statement used to scare me so much that I literally did not dare make a move or even make a real decision.
The few times that I did make a decision on my own and I failed were enough to be used against me, to remind me time and time again how I have not been able to do anything right and that I am just so un-qualified.
Soon, I began to believe that I was really un-qualified and that I should just stay as I was. Just stay un-moving. That belief that I would lose everything because of my inability to make the right decisions has led me to rot in a state of stagnation that lasted more than 15 years.
I gave up trying.
I did not even dare entertain the thought any more.
Just shut up and shut out.
It was no surprise to find that I was in some sort of “cold storage” for the most part of my adult life.
Hence, I will have to say that I am a late bloomer because I had not lived until I decided to break myself out of that comfort zone.
Fear is a very paralysing prison.
And yet we may not even be aware because most of the time, we are in denial.
It took so much out of me just to open the door to my ‘gilded cage’ and even when I stood there, at the edge – I was not even sure if I could actually “fly” because I have never used my own “wings” before.
There were times when I felt that I was free-falling or even drowning.
There were times when I felt so alone and scared and lost.
Those were indeed very scary times for me, personally.
Because there were no longer a safety net or security cushion around anymore – and I realised that I had given all control and power over to my dad.
He never asked for it, mind you.
He never even made me feel small.
I did it all.
I allowed him to.
It was all me, because I was afraid to be responsible for myself.
It was always easier to blame someone else or something else when things don’t go well and they all screw up.
So, if it was all in someone else’s hands – then, it was never going to be my fault.
Hence, I rather live a life that was “supposedly safe” just so save my own EGO.
Again, it is all about self preservation.
Cherishing myself, my mind and my own comfort zone.
In the end, my dad had to work even thrice as hard because he was living his life, my life and raising our entire family.
This is what happens when we allow FEAR to win – when we allow ourselves to tip to the dark side – then it becomes COWARDICE.
However, if we allow ourselves to rise in spite of the fear and still go ahead and do what we set out to do, then it becomes COURAGE.
FEAR is neither good or bad – it is what we decide to do with it.
So, today, I can say with an open heart that I am no longer afraid of shit happening and hitting the fan.
I know how to clean now.