DAY TWENTY-EIGHT: Saturday, 17th April 2010
I am happy to report that I did not try to excuse myself even when I was not feeling well, and take the easy way out.
I still continued with my household chores, my daily sadhanas, prostrations, my dharma assignments and my media work.
In the past, I would have found myself perfect reasons NOT to continue and created ways for me to get out of every duty and responsibility.
Granted, some things I may not have done so well – like keep this blog updated on a daily basis. However, I would continue to do what I set out to do even if I have not posted them in the blog.
Hey, this is a lot of progress ok coming from the ex-Queen of Sloth and Self-Serving Bitch.
Anyhow, I am not looking for anyone to pat me in the back. This is not what it is about.
I am not waiting to be praised and seeking for it either.
It is about self-transformation – of the mind and the heart.
If that can be achieved, it is already the most precious reward and gift in itself.
Yes, it is so easy to give up. So convenient to just walk away and say, to hell with all this.
Because it goes against every single thing that we are so naturally grown accustomed to, and we certainly would not want to give it all up. It is too painful to be giving it all up.
Here, I am not talking about money.
I am referring to our normal way of doing things, thinking, feeling and everything that sums up our habituation.
Why do you think most people quit and only a handful will stay and persevere?
It is HARD, PAINFUL, CHALLENGING and downright AGONISINGLY FRUSTRATING.
Sadly a lot of people would give up because when they come face to face with themselves, they cannot take it.
They rather blame the Guru, the Dharma center, their Dharma brothers and sisters, anyone else except themselves.
I used to be exactly that way.
I would argue with my Guru.
I would ignore my Guru.
I would go against what my Guru advises me to do, and had the audacity to doubt HIM and think that HE did not know me any better.
Oh yes, I have gone through all the shades, colours and motions of the love-hate relationship with my Guru.
It was like a mirror of all my relationships with everyone in my life summed up in one major relationship – that was how it was for me.
My Guru made me see things I refuse to see, things I never thought I could be or have been but did not want to acknowledge.
In the end, it was all about my EGO fighting with my Guru.
Since 2004 to 2008, it was like a roller coaster ride.
But I did not leave because I knew my Guru was right. Even when I could not bring myself to accept what HE said, or agree with what HE prescribed for me to do – I always knew deep down inside my Guru held my best interest at heart.
My most difficult task was to convince my stubborn EGO to let go, or if not, I’d kill my EGO myself.
So, the struggle went on daily.
And the battle went on for about 5 years.
It is easy to be distracted and find ways to distract ourselves in order to pretend that all is well.
It is so easy. I could waste an entire week on just watching movies just so I don’t have to face my real problems.
When you are so rich or well off, you don’t feel that you need values and spirituality. Because life is seemingly so great and fabulous.
When you are trying to work your ass off to put food on the table, and you are dying of exhaustion because you are working more jobs than you can handle, then you would feel that you have no time for values and spirituality. It becomes a luxury that you just cannot afford.
But at the end of the day, when you are all alone, you will know what’s real and what’s a lie.
As much as we can fool everyone else, even ourselves, at times, we cannot fool everyone all the time. Not even ourselves. Not all the time.
I remember how it was so important for me to be loved and adored at one point. But even when I had people falling for me, and expressing their undying love – and then what?
The emptiness cannot be filled by someone else.
At one time, I thought it was so important for me to have beautiful cars and expensive branded items to flaunt around and even when I got them all and more, so what? And then what?
So, we get the fame, the money, the ideal partner, the great job, the hot body – and then what?
After a while, everything and everyone become stale, pale and faded. Even I became jaded.
When we have no inner peace, there can be no outer peace.
And no matter how much we try to escape or distract ourselves, it is only a matter of time the truth will come and bite us where it hurts the most.
This is why I truly value having my Guru.
Because the Guru reflects the suffering that we are putting ourselves through, but also at the same time, the Guru reflects what we can become when we rise above all our delusions.
When we cannot even see the best of us, and will not commit to becoming the best of ourselves, then the Guru embodies all of it and pushes us to become it. HE will push and pull, tug, probe and do whatever HE needs to do until we are truly free.
So, trust and belief in the Guru are keys to our freedom.
Because unless you know how to free yourself, you need the KEY MASTER.
And let’s not kid ourselves, shall we? If we did have the key or know how to free ourselves, we wouldn’t be in the state that we are in now.
So, the only question you will have is – do you have the courage to want to be liberated?
Now, that is something only you can answer for yourself.
And here is my DAY TWENTY-EIGHT :-
Weight: 53kg (You are going to laugh. Apparently, my weighing scale has not been re-adjusted properly. So, I was weighing myself wrongly! HAHAHA)
No. Of Prostrations: 35
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: Nil. Did not have time. What a crazy busy day!
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 123.
“Yes, your difficulties and your problems are genuine, they are real, but they will also pass.
Time is short.
Opportunities will be lost.
If you think you are young and you are going to live forever, the people around you who you care about will not be young and live forever.”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
The Guru gives you the keys to resolving all our problems.
The Guru heals us and teaches us how to heal others in return.
If this is not something precious and important to you, then I guess, living an authentic life that’s meaningful and purposeful is not important to you as well.
These are the reasons why I commit to my Guru at long last, and why I have not looked back since.
Whether your Guru is a man, a church, a temple, a mosque, a community, a cause, a mission, or a pet, or even an enemy – whatever it is called, it matters not – what truly matters is this – it made you a better person – one that you could not grow into on your own.
If you have found that Guru, then please by all means, do not just give up and walk away because it is hard or painful.
It is because it is painful and hard that you will become the better you.
This is the investment that you make now, with yourself, in yourself.
Are you worth such an investment?
Think about it deeply and carefully.
This is really for you - the best of you.