DAY TWENTY-NINE: Sunday, 18th April 2010
I haven’t had much sleep lately.
Well, after all the washing, ironing and cleaning, I have to complete my actual ‘media work’ and dharma assignments. But first, I have to make sure that my daughter is put to bed and sleeping soundly. Then I can go on to do what I really need to do.
I think I slept like 2 hours.
No, I am not complaining. Not in the least.
I know in the past I would have just screamed, shouted, cried and say that I am already pushed to the corner, I GIVE UP! I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!
Yes, in the past, that would be exactly me.
But remember why I started this 100 Days with “If Not Now, When?” Challenge?
I made a promise that I was going to attack all my bad habits and transform myself to be consistent and push myself to do more and get out of my lazy, sloth-like way of life.
So, it has been 29 days and I am still at it, despite the things that has happened.
I am still here and going strong each day.
The best part, I did not shout, scream, kick and scratch anyone while I was at it.
The only times I felt really explosive was when I was in my car, by myself. That was about 10 days ago. And I allowed myself to ‘erupt’ in the car, by myself so that it was all contained.
I just screamed and screamed until I started crying and then, not too long after, I felt so relieved.
Tonight, just before my daughter slept, she said that she felt really happy and close to me. She slept with a smile.
I guess this is what it is all about - we start with love and end with love.
So, here is my DAY TWENTY-NINE :-
No. Of Prostrations: 40 (Increased from 35)
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: Nil. Another crazy manic day.
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 129.
“Ants work so hard to drag crumbs, dig and build anthills, jostle to mate with each other and then may be ‘securely’ die. In between, someone may step on their anthill, it might rain or myriads of other incidences might arise to take away their hard-earned security. Our life is like that but just longer. No matter where we are, there is no security in samsara.
As long as we continue to work towards that sense of security, we will become disillusioned, depressed and tumble down, no matter how ‘high’ we get. No matter how much we build our lives towards this, it will be constantly threatened, taken away or we will lose it in the end. And because of our strong habituated belief that THERE IS SECURITY, our sufferings arise.”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
There is simply nothing permanent in life.
No matter how real the happiness is, it too shall pass.
No matter how painful the suffering is, it too will pass.
Emotions and moments come and go.
However when we can’t let go and we keep grasping onto every joy, sadness, pain or pleasure, etc – then, this is where our real problems begin and seems unable to end.
I used to dwell and even tie myself to the pain, like it was a bloody anchor.
I used to be so hungry for the pleasure or spurts of joy that I would crave and crave incessantly.
I used to make things even worse for myself, as you can well imagine.
The only security is in knowing that life is as fragile as it is impermanent.
It is also most unpredicatable.
But because it is so fragile, unpredictable and impermanent, then it becomes precious.
Then we learn to appreciate people and life for what it truly is.
So, I sleep a lot less now and the shit can hit the fan at any given day, especially after the day I had it buffed and polished.
So what is the big deal? Who says that everything must be rosy all the time and that everything must flow about smoothly every single day?
Why must I yell and make the whole earth tremor and shake just so that everyone knows that I am having a bad day? Just so that everyone must be disturbed by my bad day?
Why create disasters when there is none?
Why carry it around when we can already leave it behind like last season’s fashion?!
This is one thing I have learnt from my Guru and that my dad could not teach me himself – I don’t need to make myself into an angry storm when shit happens, and then become a cyclone or hurricane when I am around others.
When things go wrong, my dad gets all upset and he just cannot let it go because it is always about the seriousness or the gravity of the situation and the enormity of its impact. Of course, when you want to see it that way, there is nothing else to see but a catastrophe emerging.
Then my dad would have no control over his emotions, he would ‘share’ the full force of his anger, frustrations and rage with everyone he comes into contact with.
The saddest thing is – it really takes a toll on him, while damaging others within his path. Then again, he did not have a Guru, nor does he believe that he needs one. Hence, he would continue as such.
So, in this respect, everyone gets hurt and no one is safe from harm’s way.
But why allow such a thing to happen in the first place? Why create storms and disasters when there is no need for it?
When I was still in the family business, I did not know any better. I was within that environment and it was completely natural and normal to me. I was even doing the exact same things to people around me. Hence, the vicious and brutal cycle continues.
There is so much un-necessary pain and hurt that goes around in circles, repeating themselves. And yet when we blind ourselves to it, we become active proponents of it.
Here, again – when we do not know any better, how do we tell the difference?
Honestly, we are the cause of pain and suffering to ourselves. But we are also the very ones who can stop the pain and suffering, and even cure it. However, without a Guru or a Teacher, we would most likely not push ourselves to do it and we would just give up too soon. On our own, we can’t tell the difference between what’s a remedy and what’s a denial.
If we were truly to be left to ourselves, we would just continue being trapped in our afflicted perceptions and emotions.
So, this is why I push myself each day, each morning even though some days I really just want to stop.
Because I remember very clearly what happened each time I stopped and quit. I remembered how I just got no where and I end up still the same, frustrated, angersome and a little worse for wear. And so much time has already been wasted.
I have been down that road before - the road of giving up, being lazy, too scared to push myself ad not wanting to break that barrier. It seriously got me no where.
At best, it only provided me with a temporary respite but even then I knew, it was just an illusion.
I have had enough of illusions, mirages, charades and deluded representations of the truth.
I have had my fair share of Bull Shit.
Enough. This is not a movie or a movie set.
I want to learn how to cope with reality and not find ways to escape from it, or just spend time raging when reality bites me.