DAY THIRTY-ONE: Tuesday, 20th April 2010
Ok, I have to admit this.
Of all the household chores, there’s only one I don’t really like because I totally suck at it. And that is, ironing.
When I iron one side, it looks so nice and wrinkle-free. By the time I iron the other side, it is all crumpled again. I can’t figure out this ironing thing. I just do not have the gift for it, nor the skills???
I have to get myself one of those steamers thingy. I just steam all the wrinkles away while standing, and I don’t have to flip clothing from one side to the next side!
The chores I enjoy – mopping and vacuuming. Who would have guessed that I could actually acquire the ‘taste’ for such things?!
Wouldn’t it be just hilarious if my maid who ran away is reading this particular post? I think she’d fall off her chair! HAHAHA
I have become slightly ‘clever’ with my household chores now. It is all segmented and rotated on different days. By the end of the week, I would have finished every single square meter of the entire apartment.
Anyways, here is my DAY THIRTY-ONE :-
No. Of Prostrations: 40
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: 45 minutes
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 099.
This is the start of Chapter 06, entitled: LOVE & FEAR
Quote from Page 099 for Day Thirty-One:
“Don’t look for love. Create it with whoever you meet.
Don’t look for respect. Be humble and sow the seeds to be respected and cherished.
Don’t look for kind words. Speak to others kindly and you will get it naturally.
Don’t have ill motive for money, gain and possessions from others, and you will gain others’ trust, confidence and help.
Don’t find and magnify your own endless problems but solve, listen to and find solutions for others’ turmoil.
Then you will grow within and without.”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
The truth of the matter is simple – no one is going to respect me if I had everything so easy and I seem to go about my days so leisurely, with such ease and comforts.
As of now, families and friends see me struggling to cope and they do not know what to make of it.
Today, I had lunch with my God-brother and his awesome singer-girlfriend, and they noticed the scars and blisters on my hands. They asked me what happened. And I told them that these were all from cleaning my home because I no longer have the maid.
Their eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.
They could not believe that I was really doing it all on my own. To hear of the stories, or read about on my Facebook and Twitter updates is one thing - but to see the actual marks and scars on me – well, they do speak for themselves, don’t they?
I imagine it is the same for everyone – it is not just exclusive to me.
Especially considering the kind of reputation I had built for myself from my past actions/behaviour.
So, I do understand when some people may find it hard to believe because it sounds just too far-fetched. It would be like, Shirley is what now?! Impossible! Because this was one Empress of a Witch who made life a special kind of hell for those who served on her. See, how it all comes around now – back to me? Ain’t karma just grand? HAHA
In any case, if I don’t put myself through it all - every experience, every challenge and overcome each and every one, I would not conquer anything at all. If I do not use every opportunity to learn and embrace it as a blessing, then I would miss my golden opportunity to build a new track record of myself.
So, as of DAY ONE – there is no such thing as a bad day, bad experience or a bad luck. Not for me, at least. They are all opportunities, to train me, to better equip me in this life. And when major shit happens, it is my ‘testing opportunity’, no different than taking a public exam, to see if I have passed, improved or failed.
And if I have failed, then it is time for me to go back to the shit farm (BTTSF). This is a special code word that Rinpoche invented. Yup, BTTSF.
I am well aware of what I need to work on for myself, and I know what I am doing. If there was a camera that can be installed inside my head, then you would see a real gruesome internal battle scene. I guess, this is the only time violence is ever ‘allowed’ in Buddhism, or even ‘encouraged’ – when we are assassinating our ego, our demons and inner sirens.
Yes, I do mean ‘sirens’ like alarm bells and distress signals. Because these internal self-preservation mechanisms have got to be destroyed. They operate from afflicted perspectives. Hence, they will shelter you from the truth but will fool you into believing that it is sheltering you from pain. It is so sneaky like that. It is a real master of disguise, this self-defence mechanism.
In any case, I am under-going an overhaul internally. I am replacing these inner sirens with flower petals. Loads and loads of flower petals. And I imagine a sky filled with Buddhas. They are all looking down on me, throwing flower petals at me, all smiling and glowing with their warmth and kindness. Something similar to the scene from “American Beauty” where Kevin Spacey always imagined rose petals falling down on him, minus the naked woman, of course.
Then I continue, with no distress, with no need to defend myself but to see what more I can do for the person right in front of me. Mind you, I don’t always do this very well. But I am getting better at it with consistent practice.
So, yes, I expect the next two years for me will be HELL and HORROR personified.
But it is ok. I will endure and I will rise.
The worse it gets and the tougher it becomes, the more I will work hard to overcome.
We do not applaud someone for taking out the trash when he or she is on their way out. We applaud people for going beyond, especially when we know it is not an easy thing for that person to do.
By the end of the two years, I would have built a whole new track record and they will project a new image, a new reputation for myself.
Therefore, the work starts with here and now. The present.
It is the toughest but the most necessary part, because it is the beginning to a bright beautiful FUTURE.
I shall end this post with a little poem I wrote –
We often marvel at the beauty of butterflies
But we rarely acknowledge the amazing changes
It had to go through in order to achieve that beauty
And beauty does reside within each of us
Stirring our souls in deep repose.
Yes, this worm of a woman is on her way to becoming a butterfly.
Just you wait and see.
As they say – watch this space!