DAY TWENTY-THREE: Monday, 12th April 2010
So, I have tried to practise all that I have learnt and what I say I will do during all my waking hours. And I remind myself each time I am close to blowing my top that I must be patient and remember all the things that my Guru has taught me.
Sometimes I do it well, sometimes not so well.
But if there was a graph, I am certain it is not going downwards. So, I take heart in the little things that I can do well, and continue building from there.
Today I find myself cleaning my apartment and mopping the floor with a smile.
Although we may not create merits from cleaning, I am sure the Buddha statues appreciate the dust-free and clean environment. After all, they are like my VERY IMPORTANT GUESTS in my home.
So, I keep it nice, bright and clean for them.
By the way, it is not that I have suddenly turned holy-smoley and has cultivated the artistry of house-cleaning.
I just do not have any angst about it all and do not do it grudgingly, that’s all.
I guess, this is my kindergarten level of “Joyous Effort” as spelled out in the 6 Paramitas, instead of painful effort that I usually associate any work with.
I am really very glad that my home does not have that much furniture. Haha
Here, let’s see what my DAY TWENTY-THREE is like :-
No. Of Prostrations: 35 (increased from 30)
Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.
Physical Exercise: 35 minutes (if we can include household chores too, then it’s more! Haha)
Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 085.
Oh what an appropriate quote for me! Wow!
Quote from Page 085 for Day Twenty-Three:
“Saving does not come from an outer source. It comes from yourself.
If you blame others for everything wrong in your life, you give control over your life to them. If you control your life, you cannot blame others.”
Personal Thoughts and Feelings:
This quote rings true for me – through and through.
Not just for this current situation, but for all my life.
It’s funny how I used to think that when things go wrong, it’s immediately someone else’s fault.
Especially, my ex-husband. Haha. Bless his big generous heart!
Like I said, I always viewed myself as the victim. Even if I thought I was so tough and independent and seem to be so capable of doing many great things.
For crying out loud, I left home to study abroad when I was about 7 years old.
I should bloody well be able to do many things on my own by now!
The problem was my great attachment to ease and comfort.
How quickly I have forgotten how to do all those things for myself, when there is someone else to do it for me – every single day.
And if things went wrong, which they naturally would as such is life, then I would throw a big bitch tantrum.
From something as menial as leaks in the bathrooms, to clothes washed with the wrong colours, etc.
It is sooooo easy to order people around, and point that accusing finger and bitch, yes?
All of sudden, I am sitting in this ivory tower issuing judgements like I was so holy-smoley.
Yes, I can laugh about it now. But it was no laughing matter back then.
Many people cried, got angry, got hurt and even left, broken-hearted.
So, how did we get so fragile suddenly and vulnerable for all the wrong things?
Up-bringing? Media? Peer pressure? Society pressure?
You know the Chinese has a saying that we should never ever show our weaknesses and admit our faults for all to see. Because that makes us weak and useless. We must always be on guard and show only our strong and positive side.
Ever thought that our strong and weak sides are actually inter-dependent?
Mutually co-existing on one another?
Why do I say that?
Because the very reason we put up a strong front is just to hide the very things we fear or are weak in.
So, it is all just a show, a grand illusion.
And we are all expert illusionists by now, but not expert saviours of ourselves.
Pain and Fear will always delude us into a twisted way of thinking.
It will disguise what’s truly bad for you as good so that you can escape the pain TEMPORARILY.
But in the end, you and I will still have to face the music.
And funny how, it is always worst at the end.
So, we have all evolved into great illusionists and escape artists.
No wonder we have so little clue about saving ourselves.
Once I tried explaining to someone about what it means to be really in control.
It was not easy. And no, it is not about S&M either.
I do not think I shall even attempt to explain it in here as well.
So, I will leave you all with this thought instead.
When shit happens, I do not fly into a rage, then I am in control.
When I take it upon myself, regardless of what started it and who started it, then I am in control.
When I believe I can resolve it and take responsibility for resolving it, then I am absolutely in control.
No one needs to clean up my shit, no one should - except me.
And when I get the hang of this shit-cleaning, I can even help others to clean theirs - without crippling their own ability to clean, of course.
I used to be called, Shit-Stirrer. Well, because I as so good at stirring up shit for people.
Now, I can change it to Shit-Cleaner.
Much better. More environmentally-friendly too.
Ok, got to go and vaccum my bedroom now.
See you all tomorrow.
Same place, your time.