Saturday, April 10, 2010


DAY TWENTY: Friday, 9th April 2010

Can you believe it has already been 20 days into my 100 days with “IF NOT NOW WHEN?”

So, 80 days more to go! Woohoo!

Today I would like to give thanks to all my sisters.

Truly, without them, my life would be crazier than Mad Hatter’s Tea Party.

I have three younger sisters – yes, I am the eldest.

Although I could very well be commended for putting myself through the spiritual path and staying on the path, more recognition and praise must go to my sisters.

No, none of them share the same enthusiasm as me for all things spiritual. But they do support all the causes that I am working on, such as Kechara Soup Kitchen and do contribute in monetary ways from time to time.

What I truly value about my sisters is this –

They help me take care of my daughter, they take over the duties and responsibilities which I have vacated since I went into media in full force, they do all the things that I used to do and did not like doing, they are there when I cannot be there and most of all, they do it because they know I can really use some help.

This is more than I could ever ask for.

How else can I do what I do and have the peace of mind to continue to do what I do, without them taking over the things I have resigned myself from?

I guess, everyone has a role to play in each lifetime, depending on their merits and karma.

The same goes to my parents, especially my dad.

He does not believe that what I am working on will really be a huge success, because he cannot relate to media. But he has not stopped me out right. That, in itself, is a big encouragement to me.

None of my family members would be able to really understand why I have chosen another way of life from theirs, and yet, they have in their own way, allowed me to just be.

That is truly enough for me.

And through the spiritual work that I do, I dedicate it all to them.

I am very grateful that I don’t have sisters like Cinderella’s.

I am very thankful that my sisters are nothing like the Kardashians, that’s for sure!

From the depth of my heart, I thank them for being who they are.

Now, here is my DAY TWENTY :-

Weight: 54 kg (Back to square one)

No. Of Prostrations: 30

Daily Sadhanas: Check and Done with Death Meditation and Dzambala Mantra.

Physical Exercise: 1 hour 35 minutes

Daily Reflection from "IF NOT NOW, WHEN?" – Here we go. I close my eyes and I picked out page 113 .

Quote from Page 113 for Day Twenty:

“GOD and BUDDHA cannot get rid of hatred but a development of LOVE within ourselves can. Forgiveness is the start.”

Personal Thoughts and Feelings:

Intense, powerful and universally applicable to everyone.

First, I ask forgiveness from everyone whom I have ever wounded or hurt in any way or form, intentionally or unintentionally.

Yes, the list is very, very long.

I go through them in my head, even when they may not care to remember me anymore, or even if they do not see me, and even if we are no longer in the same country.

I ask forgiveness from each and every one of them.

Then I pray for them.

I pray that they have everything that they need, and that they are truly happy and healthy - wherever they are.

Then I proceed to forgive those who I thought had wronged me but I cannot be too sure now.

In any case, it does not matter anymore. So, scratch that altogether.

Here comes the most difficult part of all – forgiving myself.

This is not easy for me. NOT AT ALL.

At some point in my life, I have developed some sort of self-loathing.

Yes, I have even made it into a mastery and artistry.

So, no matter how much I have said that I hated this or that...nothing can beat me hating myself most of all.

It seems such an oxymoron.

But I held contempt for myself in the highest one else can come close.

I cannot explain where it came from or how it started, because there was seriously nothing lacking in my life. At least, not in this life.

Hence, I find it impossible to forgive myself.

So, in fact, earlier this evening, I sobbed like a child in front of my altar while I was doing my Guru’s Long Life Mantra during my daily Sadhanas.

And this was way before I started writing my blog post for today, and picking out that quote from IF NOT NOW WHEN?

In my mind, I just kept saying, “I am sorry. I am sorry, I am so so sorry for everything. Please let me do this right, please help me get it right from here on. Please, please forgive me.”

I started bawling uncontrollably.

I had no idea what came over me, but it was like an emotional tsunami.

As suddenly as it came to purge out all the guilt and sadness inside me, it subsided like a wave back to the ocean where it came.

Just like that, it was gone.

Then it was all quiet and nice again.

And I continued with my Sadhanas until I finished.

I cannot change the past, but I can change the result of my future by starting here and now.

So, I began all over again, with the present.

And this time round, I will do it right by the people I care and love.

"Stop believing in what you are; start believing in what you can be" by H.E Tsem Tulku Rinpoche

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